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kalcario
Jan 3, 2003, 1:48 AM
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Climbing is a microcosm of life. The higher the level of commitment, the richer the rewards. Even failure, while not as fulfilling as success, has its own intrinsic value, and strangely enough usually has more to teach us about ourselves than a successful climb does. Thus it is easy to draw certain parallels between levels of commitment in climbing, and levels of commitment in that other endeavor that most climbers indulge in with more or less equal passion. I refer, of course, to that (heretofore) vaguely understood sphere of activity known as “relationships”. Striking similarities abound between different levels of commitment in climbing and those in relationships, to wit:
Himalayan Mountaineering = Marriage with Children
Total Commitment. You may think you can escape the commitment and get rescued (divorced) if things start looking grim, but the harshness of the environment (kids) combined with the logistical and financial aspects inherent in a remote rescue (alimony, child support, common property laws, etc.) render this option impractical at best. A more likely scenario is that your frozen and desiccated corpse (traumatized post-divorce psyche) will litter the slopes (singles bars) of the peak as an object of pity and derision for subsequent climbers (other bar patrons).
Small Range Mountaineering / Big Wall Climbing = Marriage without Children
Nominal Commitment. Requires proficiency at such specific skills as routefinding (listening), hauling (“feathering the nest”), and dealing with bad weather (arguments). Rescue (divorce), however, is a relatively easy, if somewhat unpalatable option. A simple cell-phone call (county courthouse filing) will usually do the trick. Rescue insurance (pre-nuptial agreement) is a good idea. More complicated are the implications of the rescue (divorce) on one’s ability to recruit partners for subsequent walls or peaks (marriages), who might be hesitant to commit to someone recently rescued (“on the rebound”). A lowering of the level of commitment for a while might be a good idea.
Trad Climbing = Unmarried but Steady Relationship with Significant Other
Lowest Level of Commitment. Can be viewed as necessary training for big walls (marriage) or as an end in itself. Usually involves carrying heavy packs full of ludicrously expensive and otherwise useless equipment (faith and trust in other person), and a level of adhesion to seemingly arbitrary ethical standards (fidelity) viewed by the non-initiated (sport climbers) as outdated; yet generally regarded by those who have actually done it as offering the best combination of commitment, results, and rewards.
Sport Climbing = Casual Sex (“Sport %@#$ing”)
No Commitment. Not terribly fulfilling in and of itself, but fun as hell. Involves more athleticism and talent to attain the upper levels of difficulty (different partner every night) compared to trad climbing. Pre-placed protection (pre-placed protection) a must. Shallow aesthetic appeal is substituted for emotional involvement in all but the most self centered and egotistical of practitioners, who lack the ability to become emotionally involved in the first place.
Bouldering = Masturbation
Not only No Commitment, but No Relationship! Can be practiced alone (in private) or with one’s friends or strangers gathered around offering support and encouragement (“circle jerk”). Particularly enthusiastic practitioners have been known to scream when “topping out” (achieving orgasm) [see “Free Hueco” video]. The overall experience can be enhanced by certain visual and tactile aids such as bouldering videos (porn), “sit down starts” (anal penetration with foreign object), and the use of a “crash pad” (pillow humping). Nothing wrong with the occasional session unless practiced exclusively of other forms of climbing, as this will leave the boulderer (“dolphin-flogger”) unable to actually climb ( have casual sex, relationships, marriage, children etc).
Free Soloing = Unprotected Gay Sex in San Francisco Bathhouse
My lack of experience in this arena leaves me unable to comment on the otherwise obvious parallels, however unusually good luck would seem to be the key to long term survival for the doggedly persistent…
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curt
Jan 3, 2003, 2:37 AM
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kalcario,
I almost agree with you, except for the misplacement of sport climbing. Sport climbing is well below bouldering, which you equate to masturbation.
Sport climbing would be ADULTERY. That is where you try to have your cake and eat it too. You can then pretend that you are climbing (i.e. in a meaningful relationship) but in reality can only sustain yourself by bolting a crag into submission (ie. being unfaithful.)
Curt
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t-dog
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Jan 3, 2003, 2:45 AM
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hahhah, not all that usefull but hilarious as sh*t!!!!!!!!!!
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holdplease2
Jan 3, 2003, 2:57 AM
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Both Brilliant and Useful.
Place this in the "beginners" section, so that people will know right away which type of climbing they are destined for...based on their relationship history.
Perfect "explanation" of the different kinds of climbing for the uninitiated.
I am putting it up on my wall right now!
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kalcario
Jan 3, 2003, 3:46 AM
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*I am putting it up on my wall right now!*
don't put it on the windshield you'll kill yourselllllffffffff.....
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farmerc
Jan 3, 2003, 4:33 AM
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Oh, doesn't it seem appropriate that I became a trad climber? being as nearly all of the girlfriends I've had have been relatively long term (over a year, and thats pretty long when you are still in high school)
Climb on!
~Chris
[ This Message was edited by: farmerc on 2003-01-02 20:34 ]
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micronut
Jan 5, 2003, 3:52 AM
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only thing is, if you don't set good pro while trad. climbing, it could easily turn into an epic of Himalayian proportions.
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neph
Jan 6, 2003, 12:34 AM
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Isn't ice climbing more like adultery? Fairly strenuous and unstable, and if you screw up even a little, you're toast...
-Nate
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esimhs99
Jan 6, 2003, 12:56 AM
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hahahahahahaha
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djmeat
Jan 6, 2003, 1:16 AM
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So what your saying is I need to be mastubating and having a lot more casual sex. So by summer I can get a long term girlfriend???
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pattray
Jan 6, 2003, 1:44 AM
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Brilliantly put, I'm in stiches, Can i make a copy of that for my wall ??
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ktwo
Jan 6, 2003, 4:58 PM
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Thats great... but, uh... perhaps you have a bit too much free time?
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holmeslovesguinness
Feb 18, 2003, 8:42 PM
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hehehe, that's one of the more amusing posts i've read in awhile, well done :wink:
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atg200
Feb 18, 2003, 9:24 PM
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you deserve a medal for this post. this is amazing.
ice climbers are more like twisted fetish types - lots of sharp things, wierd clothing, and completely uncomfortable environments.
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atg200
Feb 20, 2003, 1:10 PM
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bump - don't want something this good lost in the new forum shuffle.
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calamity_chk
Feb 20, 2003, 1:39 PM
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hmm, i feel left out ...
what's the analysis for never married, but with kids.
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celticelement
Feb 20, 2003, 3:09 PM
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In reply to: hmm, i feel left out ... what's the analysis for never married, but with kids.
Maybe you are the belayer and anchor setter who never gets to get on the rock.
Or maybe you are the indoor climber.
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calamity_chk
Feb 20, 2003, 5:00 PM
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hm, i dont like that analogy. that sucks more than being forgotten.
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atg200
Feb 20, 2003, 6:22 PM
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this is easy. you are a solo wall climber amber - all the commitment, you have to lead and clean everything, and no help from anyone.
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calamity_chk
Feb 20, 2003, 6:26 PM
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* sweet *
that sounds more appropriate.
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enigma
Feb 20, 2003, 6:54 PM
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Kalcario-I can see it clearly now , and you know how to style those hard sport routes,so does that mean a stellar performance in your "casual" encounters of the other kind.?? :roll:
And you got rid of all your trad gear right??hmmn 8)
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calamity_chk
Feb 20, 2003, 7:03 PM
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i'm gonna guess that if he's smart enough to articulate this analogy, then he's smart enough to satisfy a woman ... just a stab in the dark, though.
as with great climbers, though, great *ahem* "partners" are generally modest about their "abilities"
just my .02
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petsfed
Feb 20, 2003, 8:02 PM
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So for the sake of clarity, what would bouldering in a gym be? Masturbating while wearing a condom?
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calamity_chk
Feb 20, 2003, 8:05 PM
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that's a little gender-biased. girls boulder in gyms.
maybe it could be like masterbating in your bathroom ??
:oops:
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kcrag
Feb 20, 2003, 8:42 PM
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Holy Cow, kalcario. This has to be the most articulate and insightful posting on rc.com to date. Thank you for the entertainment and enlightenment.
Here's my shot for an addition:
Day Hiker = Voyeur
Not only no commitment and no relationship, but only dreams of getting into a girl's or guy's pants. This individual has all the money to go to REI and purchase the latest equipment and guide books (equal to that high speed internet access and a slick computer allowing for easy access to steamy websites). On occasion, they might commit to a local hike in the woods (perhaps they make it to a bar, to oogle over the opposite sex in person). And maybe, just maybe, during their day hike they will stumble across climbers and stare in awe (head out to a strip bar or peep show).
:wink:
-k.
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