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climbhigh2005
Apr 27, 2004, 12:20 AM
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Good luck.... thats all I have to say...
I'm lucky because my bf and I got into climbing together, and he's not the jealous time, so I can climb with guys whenever.. i actually just got back from climbing with 3 guys and myself... however I use to be really jealous and would be so pissed when Simon even talked to another girl... I've always been more like one of the guys, so Simon is just accustmoed to that... My jealous finally wore off after I accepted the fact that he loves me for me, and nobody else... Its taken over 2 years for me to figure that out, but hey, its fine now.. I hope everything works out!
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tradmanclimbs
Apr 27, 2004, 1:22 PM
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Mellisa. its totaly fine for you to go climbing with a group of guys but don't you think it would be pushing it a bit if you went and did a wall with a single guy and then maby did a weekend trip with him the next week and then the same guy again next week . At some point you have to realize that you are streching the limits of your partners pain threashold.
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ginerbiner
Jun 9, 2004, 1:34 AM
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Bump it up for you know who...
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hishopper
Jun 9, 2004, 2:56 AM
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It's not a sexist issue, and it's not complex or difficult. IF you love your wife you will dump the partner at the drop of a hat. I would gently urge you to consider that the mention of jealousy was not a statement of distrust, but a plea for assurance of your love and an inquisition of where she stands on your list of priorities. Your choice is simple: be a man and put your wife's needs before your own, or be a wuss.
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thegogirl
Jun 9, 2004, 2:59 AM
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always a difficult situation with two parties who are together and one,not. I often am a 3rd party if I throw on a harness, as I am single and typically boulder.I've gotten strange signals or perhaps just weirdness from one or the other and to NOT respect someones' feelings (even if out of order or in ones' opinion outlandish) is to NOT respect the relationship itself.
If your instincts or your wife/s.o has expressed discomfort there is a reason. Does not matter exactly what the reason is, but from where it comes from-the relationship? his/her own personal history and "issues" about sharing/friends/ etc...need to at a minimum, respect your relationship with your wife/partner and then go from there.
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paija
Jun 9, 2004, 4:48 AM
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I didn't go through all these responses but thought I'd give you my opinion - not all (or even most) single women are out there fishing for guys. It would really be unfair to Jane to dump her as a climbing partner because your wife is insecure. There are times in which you'll have to spend time with women other than your wife, and she'll have to learn to accept that you're not messing around on her. And then you better make sure you never do.
Jealousy is a symptom of deeper relationship problems, IMO. Dumping your climbing partner is NOT going to fix said problems.
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jason1
Jun 9, 2004, 4:51 AM
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i think melissa's on the right track...
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punkclimber52
Jun 9, 2004, 4:59 AM
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what is more important to you...this SWF climbing partner or your wife? When you get married you need to realize that life isn't just about you anymore. You and your wife are one. You need to make a decision. If this is bugging your wife then you shouldn't even think twice about it. If you truly love her then don't climb with Jane anymore, whether it's a problem or not, just do it out of respect for your wife.
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addiroids
Jun 9, 2004, 5:40 AM
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If Jane is as hard of a climber as you say, then I have the solution:
MOVE JANE OUT TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!!
This is seriously a win-win situation:
1) You can spend all your time with wifey until December when it is so cold your snot freezes as you open the door and you plan a trip to Josh for a week. Then you can come out here, and Jane can dominate your sorry midwest butt because she has been doing enchainments, two walls in a day, and cranking hard as hell out here. You will be just itching to go back to the midwest and freeze the rest of the winter and heal the backs of your hands.
2) Jane wins because she can climb with me, and she will even have a job right when she arrives (doing construction in 120 degree heat). She gets heat tolerance, works out after work ends around 2pm when the power tools cease to work and your sunglasses start to melt off your face, then goes home and fixes me dinner while I finish training people at the gym. Ohh, did I mention she gets a free place to live (with me)?
3) Wifey wins because Jane is out of the picture, you and her are climbing together, and she is starting to take it more serious lest another "Jane" pops into the picture.
Just kidding dude. My ex-financee' and I split up a week before the wedding because I didn't spend enough time with her. I worked 6am-11pm, and climbed all weekend (with a guy, not girl though). She enjoyed climbing too, but same situation as you. We are still friends though, so there is hope for you.
Good luck, sorry I didn't have anything intelligent to add, I just am no more in touch with my feelings than some of the other stuff I read on here that was much better than what I could come up with so I decided to inject a bit of humor.
Offer still stands for Jane to move to Cali though.
TRADitionally yours,
Cali Dirtbag
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phillygoat
Jun 11, 2004, 7:06 PM
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I'm surprised at all the comments suggesting-" If you really loved your wife(fiance?), you'd quit climbing with Jane." Of course, I'm usually suprised at how bad people are at being honest with themselves and their significant others. Yes, "honesty" and "trust" are thrown around a lot, but that's really what's at issue here. The initial post stated ( in his eyes) what the situation was. If he's being honest(let's give him the benefit of the doubt), then his fiance has a problem with trust. I've never quite understood why all the fuss/denial over attraction. Being attracted to others is a given! Spending time with people whose personalities you enjoy AND think are hot is going to happen! Here's the trick: to marry someone whose love has such a profound effect on you that it puts the attraction to others in perspective. In my experience, if you are really clicking with someone it's not a big deal to confess your crushes, occationally flirt, etc. In fact, I've found that throwing all that stuff out on the table dilutes its power. I think many more mistakes are made from repressing desire until it snaps. Again, being honest isn't easy, but with all the mistakes and flaws we make/have, it should be held as the highest priority. When I think of compromises being made between people for the wrong reasons, I can't help but think that it will eventually catch up to them.
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phillygoat
Jun 11, 2004, 7:07 PM
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I'm surprised at all the comments suggesting-" If you really loved your wife(fiance?), you'd quit climbing with Jane." Of course, I'm usually suprised at how bad people are at being honest with themselves and their significant others. Yes, "honesty" and "trust" are thrown around a lot, but that's really what's at issue here. The initial post stated ( in his eyes) what the situation was. If he's being honest(let's give him the benefit of the doubt), then his fiance has a problem with trust. I've never quite understood why all the fuss/denial over attraction. Being attracted to others is a given! Spending time with people whose personalities you enjoy AND think are hot is going to happen! Here's the trick: to marry someone whose love has such a profound effect on you that it puts the attraction to others in perspective. In my experience, if you are really clicking with someone it's not a big deal to confess your crushes, occationally flirt, etc. In fact, I've found that throwing all that stuff out on the table dilutes its power. I think many more mistakes are made from repressing desire until it snaps. Again, being honest isn't easy, but with all the mistakes and flaws we make/have, it should be held as the highest priority. When I think of compromises being made between people for the wrong reasons, I can't help but think that it will eventually catch up to them.
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robmcc
Jun 11, 2004, 8:38 PM
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In reply to: If this is bugging your wife then you shouldn't even think twice about it. If you truly love her then don't climb with Jane anymore, whether it's a problem or not, just do it out of respect for your wife.
http://www.guardimpact.com/...ges/smilies/whip.gif
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shortfatoldguy
Jun 13, 2004, 9:03 AM
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I've been married for 21 years. I fell for my climbing partner, bad. She wasn't even on my emotional radar when I started climbing with her. I was just looking for a partner. I climbed hard with her for a while, became friends, fell in love over time, denied it, admitted it, tried to suppress it. Finally verbalized it. Found out she had come to share my feelings. Now I'm separated. Seeing my partner, co-operating well with my estranged wife to finish raising our kids. Trying to sort my life out. It's not always horrible. But it's a hell of a job. Worse than you might imagine. There were serious issues in the marriage before, of course. But this still snuck up and bit me in the ass. Has taken most of my ass, in fact.
Think hard. Get counseling early. Not every marriage needs to be saved, but sometimes it's hard to know, and when you think you know, you might be wrong...
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jackscoldsweat
Jun 13, 2004, 1:06 PM
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I didn't bother to read through the entire thread due to extreme laziness. But I will say this:
You and your wife are ONE. She is your eternal partner. Not Jane. Your wife will hold your head while you pray to the porcelain gods. She will wipe your ass when you are comatose (well...at least pay someone to do it). She (if willing) may birth your children. This is the ultimate partnership between two climbers. Nothing would be more romantic then to experience all of what life has to offer with your life long/eternal partner. Not only would she catch your fat ass 12,000 ft up on a 5.9, but make love to you at base camp. Would Jane do that?
This entire sexist BS is just that.... BS! It's called RESPECT!! RESPECT your eternal partner's wishes.
JCS
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silkyerm
Jun 13, 2004, 2:45 PM
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In reply to: There's one aspect of this that no one has mentioned. . So, feelings of inadequacy may come more from climbing ability than looks. She may see Jane as someone who shares a high level of passion for climbing with you, and may worry that she (your wife) isn't good enough, dedicated enough, experienced enough to keep up with your interest in climbing, and that maybe, someday, that could be a bigger issue between you. All this, combined with the seemingly inevitable and unavoidable female tendency toward jealousy and worrying about relationships, may be the problem.
That is one of the type of things that my wife would be thinking. She really wants to be interested in the things that I am interested in, but she cannnot force herself to always have that same passion I do (for rock climbing). Whenever I talk to other more "outdoorsy" women, I can tell that she worries that I am going to connect with them in some way that she can't.
I think there is a lot of wisdom in all of the above posts and every guy/girl who wants to protect their marriage should heed the advice in this post.
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hishopper
Jun 13, 2004, 2:53 PM
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Spray all you wish about trust and emotional security, that's a bunch of BS. Again, it's not a muddy issue if you have the kahuna's to admit the truth: it boils down to a choice. Choose. Your wife's needs (like I'm sure you promised on your wedding day) or yours. It may be the case that she has an issue, and needs to learn to trust you more. But that is not your mail - your responsibility and promised duty is give her reason to trust..
And if by chance you're having difficulty making the choice, read shortfatoldguy's post again. (Thanks to shortfatoldguy for being so transparent, in hope of helping another.)
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bigga
Jun 13, 2004, 3:38 PM
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Not a tough situation.
If your wife is the most important thing to you and she feels threatened by this then it shouldn't be such a big deal to lose the climbing partner
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shortfatoldguy
Jun 13, 2004, 4:41 PM
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You've been with your wife for three years. Not that long. You have no idea where that relationship is going. You might think you do, but you don't. You've said you don't think about "Jane" any differently than you do about your male partners; I was saying the same thing at first. So here are some questions to keep in mind for the future (they'll come up, trust me):
How much do you think about your climbing partner when you're not with her? How much do you think about your wife when you're not with her?
More fundamentally:
How do you feel when you're with your climbing partner? How do you feel when you're with your wife? Not "what do you think?" but "how do you feel?" When do you have more energy? When do you laugh more? When do you breathe more deeply and slowly?
After a year of therapy (I'm a slow learner), my shrink has finally made me understand that it's not a choice between two women; it's about figuring out who I am, at this late date, and what I want and need out of a primary relationship. It's only after you figure that stuff out for real that you can have a serious longterm relationship with anybody--then you can address the questions that arise from those answers.
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rockbel
Jun 13, 2004, 7:22 PM
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Okay, this thread keeps on popping up...and it was started three months ago. Does anyone else want to know if a decision has been reached by the author? I mean come on, tell us what happened man!
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robmcc
Jun 13, 2004, 7:29 PM
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In reply to: If your wife is the most important thing to you and she feels threatened by this then it shouldn't be such a big deal to lose the climbing partner
It would be nice if the world was so simple, but it isn't. You can have a person in your life be the most important thing to you, but does that then mean that you'd give up everything else if she wants? Everything else is, by definition, less important, isn't it?
I think there are reasonable expectations in a relationship. One should be that the relationship doesn't preclude other friendships. You shouldn't be required to have no friendships with women, attractive women, or women with three breasts if that's your thing. That said, there's a line. Friendships are just that, not more.
In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big thing to lose a climbing partner. It's a big thing to have someone who supposedly loves you dictate who you can spend time with. It's a big thing to have someone who supposedly loves you tell you that the only way they can handle their fears is by making you give up your friends.
This is, of course, assuming those fears truly are baseless.
Rob
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paija
Jun 13, 2004, 7:30 PM
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I think he said that he was going to run Jane off by refusing to be alone with her, only climbing with her when others were around, refusing to ride with her in the car unless someone else was there, etc. Well, he didn't say he'd run her off, but chances are she'll find another partner who isn't so high maintenance and doesn't treat her like she's some sort of sexual predator, not to be trusted alone with any married man. :roll:
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higglif
Jun 14, 2004, 4:47 PM
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I hate to say this but when you got married, you were put under your wifes control.
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neverfalls
Jun 14, 2004, 5:08 PM
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I didn't really want to read through 7 pages of responses to see if someone had mentioned this alternate solution. But did you ever prompt the question about a threesome. You know like all three of you, climbing together. That way eveyone will have fun.
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robmcc
Jun 14, 2004, 5:13 PM
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In reply to: I hate to say this but when you got married, you were put under your wifes control.
Where do you people come from? Gah! In what twisted world are relationships about control?
Love, respect, partnership? Absolutely!
Control? Noooo way!
Rob
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