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robmcc
Jun 14, 2004, 5:14 PM
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In reply to: I hate to say this but when you got married, you were put under your wifes control.
Where do you people come from? Gah! In what twisted world are relationships about control?
Love, respect, partnership? Absolutely!
Control? Noooo way!
Rob
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saltamonte
Jul 1, 2004, 5:20 PM
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i didn't read all the responses I don't even know if you did but my advice is that you need to be sure that your wife knows she is your PRIORITY
That means you do WHATEVER it takes to make your wife comfortable. when she sees that she is your priority then she will feel secure and similar situations will probably be avoided in the future.
if you think that seems too radical then ask your self this. What is your marriage worth to you? I am not saying your marriage will be over if you keep spending time with "jane" but you will be sending a message to your wife about where she stands in your priorities. I assume when you got mairried your plan was that your wife will be at your side for years and years and years so a little investment now has along time to grow and yield returns.
If you find it a hard choice to choose between your wife's wishes and spending more time with a climbing partner who by your own admition you have no intimate relationship with, then either your wife is not a priority to you (and she should be so get started making her your priority) or there are issues in your relationship with Jane you have not mentioned
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slablizard
Jul 1, 2004, 5:28 PM
Post #103 of 147
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Does Jane looks hotter than your wife? If yes, then tour wife is right to be worried. If not...No.
Simple
:lol:
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ikefromla
Jul 1, 2004, 5:57 PM
Post #104 of 147
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I am jealous of your SWF climbing partner.
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dingus
Jul 1, 2004, 5:58 PM
Post #105 of 147
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In reply to: In reply to: It is a lot harder to be jealous of a friend, that someone you only know in passing. Here here! This is very true.
No, sorry. That isn't true AT ALL.
DMT
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dingus
Jul 1, 2004, 6:00 PM
Post #106 of 147
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In reply to: I've seen it... married man climbs with single chick... married man eventually divorces wife... man now with the chick. It happened with this couple at the gym. s---.
Another reason not to climb in fucking gyms. Get it... fucking gyms???
HAH! Sometimes I just KILL MYSELF!
DMT
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dingus
Jul 1, 2004, 6:10 PM
Post #107 of 147
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In reply to: Has taken most of my ass, in fact.
That's a GOOD THING, isn't it shortoldFATguy? Hehe.
Cheers!
DMT
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dingus
Jul 1, 2004, 6:32 PM
Post #108 of 147
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Well I read the thing start to finish.
THERE ARE NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL SOLUTIONS.
I have no cheap advice. I have no 'wise' experience.
But I will say this... I love my climbing partners. My wife knows I love my partners. I spend time with them. I think about them. I write about them. I want to hang with them.
Know what else? I love my wife. My partners know I love my wife. I spend time with her. I think about her. I DON'T write about her though. I DO want to hang with her.
The sort of climbing I do and the sort of person I am requires a bond of trust and friendship to develop with my partners. If that bond does not develop the partnership just isn't going to last. Male or female it doesn't matter, no bond, no partnership.
I've had a partner's wife jealous of me FOR YEARS, and I do not subscribe to the gay way. Has nothing to do with sex anyway. It has to do with what I wrote above.
Now I don't know about anyone else's climbing, nor what goes on in the confines of their heads. Nothing. But I'm guessing that its the same for many climbers. The sport is intense and fosters close emotional ties.
Some spouses are probably OK with that, to one extent or another. Some are probably threatened or insulted by those 'external' emotional ties. Most probably see saw back and forth on life's emotional roller coaster.
If your wife says 'Jane or me,' which will it be?
And will you force her to say it?
Do you REALLY know the answer?
Have you ever confronted it?
And thought... 'maybe?'
Are you prepared to confront it?
Do you want to go the OLDSHORTFATGUY's way (no offense oldshortfatguy).
Wait a minute, I do have some advice... get this resolved before you bring children into the world. It isn't fair to them at all.
And live your life, sieze the moment, capture the day, love the minute... we're all here for maybe 60 good years, its really not that long a stay.
Roll with the punches
Play all your hunches
Make the best of whatever comes your way.
I love my partners. I don't risk my life for strangers. I don't like placing my life in the hands of strangers.
Do you love your partners? Do you know what that means, to yourself (laws knows we'll be different!)? Does your wife know it too, that you love your partners?
Is that the real deal?
Hell, I dunno.
Cheers
DMT
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usmc_2tothetop
Jul 1, 2004, 6:35 PM
Post #109 of 147
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I don't think you should stop hanging out with your friend over this. Friends are important. So is your wife. You should try to show her and do tell her the things you said in your post. and down the road you should show her this post. Good luck.
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flipnfall
Jul 1, 2004, 6:42 PM
Post #110 of 147
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Find some guy to make friends with and climb with them. It's not worth the fighting and insecurities especially if you go climbing after you and your wife have had a fight. The insecurities would only increase the fighting. It's not worth it! :wink:
Later dude!
GT
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curt
Jul 1, 2004, 7:18 PM
Post #111 of 147
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You merely need to explain to your wife that the only time you get to have sex with Jane is on the weekend, whereas she gets you for the entire remainder of the week. Jesus, is she that selfish?
If you actually try this, let me know how it works out. Haha
Curt
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slablizard
Jul 1, 2004, 7:23 PM
Post #112 of 147
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LOL!
Good point.
In reply to: You merely need to explain to your wife that the only time you get to have sex with Jane is on the weekend, whereas she gets you for the entire remainder of the week. Jesus, is she that selfish? If you actually try this, let me know how it works out. Haha Curt |
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raelinn
Jul 1, 2004, 7:25 PM
Post #113 of 147
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I'll throw my 2 cents in. Ask your wife point blank if she wants you to stop climbing with your partner. Ask her why if she says yes. Ask her if her reasons are realistic or if they are just a product of some deeper insecurity she is having about your faithfulness or her own self-esteem.
If she sounds like she has a good argument, you might want to consider ditching the girl climbing partner for the honor of your marriage. Just for the sake of appearances even, to your wife and others around you. Climbing partners can always be found. A great wife is hard to come by.
Another alternative is to ask your wife to come climbing with you and your partner when it's the girl partner. Maybe THEY will become good friends!!
Or make your wife into your most frequent climbing partner. Will she go?
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brolloks
Jul 1, 2004, 7:44 PM
Post #114 of 147
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Trust is one of the corner stones of a healthy relationship. But it is understandable that your wife will get jealous - like it`s been said before, it`s because you share a passion with your climbing partner and your wife feels she can`t fill that gap.
I don`t agree that you have to look for another partner - this is an opportunity for both you, your wife and your relationship to grow and get stronger. Maybe you just need to be more affectionate towards your wife, especially in front of Jane.
I`ve had problems with my wife before as well about something similar, and being more affectionate (openly) and communicative cured that.
AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS : Make the wife and Jane go do a multi day climb together by themselves - things will get sorted out one way or another out there...
(Just trying to keep a sense of humour... I know how akward this situation can be....)
:oops: :cry: :x :lol: :cry: :wink:
Best of luck to you - stay positive.
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rispo
Jul 1, 2004, 8:24 PM
Post #115 of 147
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If you are climbing with jane alot alone i can see why it would be a problem but if your in a group it shouldn't be a big deal. I know I would feel bad just dropping a friend for no reason so I would try and think of a solution so you can keep your wife and your friend happy. Try and find Jane a boyfriend like one of your guy climbing buddies so then your wife won't have reason to feel jealous anymore. Dont make drastic decisions right away just try subtle things. Going climbing with Jane alone doesn't sound like a good idea just modify your schedule, only climb with Jane if your wife or other people (guys) are there. You could also go with Jane and just kinda do the "I'm going climbing" routine leaving out your going with Jane, if you know her jealousy is entirely unreasonable (but it may not be as already mentioned you may not know jane like you). If it doesn't work and it comes to Jane or your marriage you know which is more important (i hope).
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vivalargo
Jul 1, 2004, 8:32 PM
Post #116 of 147
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Fact is, if your partnership is in good faith (no monkey business, overtly or under the wire), and you're still having to compensate for your wive's reactions, you're as good as hosed. Providing you're not working the strange behind her back, her jealousy is not about you at all -- how could it be, when she's doing it. However if she's saying that the jealousy is not her own, and that you or the SWF created it, and snuck it into her mind when she wasn't looking, she's got a lot of work to do or you've got a very long row to hoe.
JL
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therealdeal
Jul 1, 2004, 8:32 PM
Post #117 of 147
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BTW, although I'm sure that someone else has mentioned this... it sounds to me like you want to knock boots w/ your SWF climbing partner.
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climb_plastic
Jul 1, 2004, 8:38 PM
Post #118 of 147
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Keep talking to your wife and eventually she'll understand your point of view. That way you gain her trust and that's the important thing. If you get her trust then you'll be free to screw around with Jane all you want to.
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hangerlessbolt
Jul 1, 2004, 8:51 PM
Post #119 of 147
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:lol: :lol: ^^^diet dr pepper...pc monitor...poor combo^^^ :lol: :lol:
I'd give you my opinion, but coming from a divorced dood...I'm probably not the best source of marital advice.
Good luck
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wodaddy
Jul 1, 2004, 9:38 PM
Post #120 of 147
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there's an obvious solution to this....... have a 3way and everybody wins. :lol:
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nirvana
Jul 1, 2004, 10:04 PM
Post #121 of 147
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In reply to: However if she's saying that the jealousy is not her own, and that you or the SWF created it, and snuck it into her mind when she wasn't looking, she's got a lot of work to do or you've got a very long row to hoe.
Smartest thing said on this thread so far. If my SO had a passion he was sharing with another woman, I'd feel jealous, of course. But I'd also have the sense to know whose problem it was. Mine!
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muncher
Jul 1, 2004, 10:36 PM
Post #122 of 147
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You think you have issues, my (almost) wife gets jealous of my mullet haired bogan climbing mate called Bevan. WTF is up with that????? LOL
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beth23
Jul 1, 2004, 10:50 PM
Post #123 of 147
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In reply to: Fact is, if your partnership is in good faith (no monkey business, overtly or under the wire), and you're still having to compensate for your wive's reactions, you're as good as hosed. Providing you're not working the strange behind her back, her jealousy is not about you at all -- how could it be, when she's doing it. However if she's saying that the jealousy is not her own, and that you or the SWF created it, and snuck it into her mind when she wasn't looking, she's got a lot of work to do or you've got a very long row to hoe. JL
Once again JL's the sage of good advice.
I recently had a great partner have to bail out on our climbing together because his girlfriend saw a picture of me (online here oddly enough) and felt threatened and didn't want him to climb with me anymore. That's it. Just from a picture. No issues before that. Which is ridiculous, cause my only interest in her man is as a safe multipitch climbing partner and being on the rock. We don't even hang out or talk off the rock, it's about climbing and only climbing. If I'd called his house nonstop, if he'd gone on and on about me, if I'd sent questionable e-mails or other things like that it would be one thing, but none of that happened. It's a climbing partnership, nothing more. And it's a shame that some person's personal insecurities can result in something like this. It's not the first time I've lost a good, safe male climbing partner to a woman who is too insecure to allow them to climb with me. I have to wonder what goes through their heads to be that threatened by someone who realistically is so obviously not a threat.
From now on I'm gonna tell my whipped male climbing partners to lie and tell their overly jealous s/o's that I prefer women....maybe that will help abate their insecurities. :evil:
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climb_plastic
Jul 1, 2004, 10:57 PM
Post #124 of 147
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In reply to: From now on I'm gonna tell my whipped male climbing partners to lie and tell their overly jealous s/o's that I prefer women....maybe that will help abate their insecurities. :evil:
If you tell them that you "prefer" women then that's even worse.
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pmyche
Jul 1, 2004, 11:16 PM
Post #125 of 147
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Feelings (your wife's and anyone's) don't necessarily make sense but they are none the less. Respect that. Women are nearly as idiosyncratic as us doods, and they've been taught by our illustrious culture to be insecure about their perceived shortcomings.
People you work with are not friends. They are acquaintances (you may even have an affinity for or become friends with) whom you see daily because you work with them. People you choose to spend your free time with are your friends, and your wife should be on top of that list. If she's not, your relationship has an inherent flaw IMO, and your climbing exploits are simply illustrating it. The crux of it is you're choosing another woman over your wife to spend free time with. You probably wouldn't be psyched on the reverse situation, no matter what emotional intent was present or not.
If you totally respect your wife's feelings, let Jane go completely. Learn to enjoy the range of outings you and your wife can do. Concentrate on your wife's advancement; get instruction for her (and you), train harder with her, climb more often with her - whatever helps. If you want to push your limit without the stress of worrying about your wife on the rope, head out for an occasional day with a bro. Just keep it in balance and know that emotions often are not logical. Good luck.
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