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subtle
Jan 31, 2005, 2:58 AM
Post #176 of 977
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In reply to: How do I get the right sort of self-righteous tone in my posts that makes everyone realise that I AM GOD? Sincerely, Self Important A$$hole.
Looks good to me, so far.
Allez. Moron.
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ajkclay
Jan 31, 2005, 3:13 AM
Post #177 of 977
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Posts: 1567
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Do I use moron at the end of each post? Or should I mix it up a bit?
Oh, and am I supposed to start with something like "obviously"
Please help, I have read all the climbing books, but they don't seem to help on this bit,
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jefffski
Feb 1, 2005, 7:59 AM
Post #178 of 977
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Posts: 286
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Dear N0ob,
is it okay to wear a thong? if so what brand? Does color matter?
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travelin_light
Feb 1, 2005, 6:08 PM
Post #179 of 977
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Registered: Jan 11, 2004
Posts: 93
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dear NOOB,
what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. one would think that beanies are made for colder temperatures. but i often see climbers (boulderers in particular) wearing beanies with no shirt on. as if their heads are in a perpetual state of hypothermia but their pale bumpy skin remains warm and toastie. sometimes i have often gone months without seeing people remove their beanies, what is the deal. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
thanks NOOB.
your pal,
Charles
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:14 PM
Post #180 of 977
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:15 PM
Post #181 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:16 PM
Post #182 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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smearhound
Feb 1, 2005, 11:33 PM
Post #183 of 977
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Registered: Dec 16, 2004
Posts: 83
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In reply to: Oh, and yeah, you'll easily crank 5.13d/X. I mean, 5.6 isn't that hard, and 5.13 is...like .47 easier...so you'll have no problems.
Thank you, NOOB! You do a great service to all readers of RC.com.
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gunksgoer
Feb 1, 2005, 11:38 PM
Post #184 of 977
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Registered: Sep 27, 2004
Posts: 1290
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noob, i believe travelin_light is reffering to something i like to call the dave graham syndrome... not taking your beanie off no matter what... (shudder)
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far_east_climber
Feb 2, 2005, 3:00 PM
Post #185 of 977
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Registered: Sep 30, 2003
Posts: 873
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Dearest n00b,
What are the origins of the word, "n00b"? I know it is a popularised version of "Newbie", but there must be more.
Enlighten me,
Matthew.
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subtle
Feb 3, 2005, 8:49 PM
Post #186 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: What are the origins of the word, "n00b"? I know it is a popularised version of "Newbie", but there must be more.
Oh, there's more all right...
It all started back in the old country with my great, great...truthfully not-so-great...grandfather Johan Fredierich von Huckensticken, the Duke of Noob. He and his brother, the Earl of Noob, fell out over who would tick the FA of the lovely and talented Princess of Thrutchelvania, who was known as much for her rad crimp strength as her dazzling beauty. Matters came to a head at Ye Olde Dyno Comp, when The Earl of Noob sabotaged the Duke of Noob's V.X hucking booties, causing him to grease off the starting holds to the general merriment of the rabble. The Earl then saucily adjusted his woolen Prana lederhosen and declared himself the Grande Champion of the Day, and claimed as his prize the hand in Marriage of the most fair Princess of Thrutchelvania. The Princess replied, as any sensible person should reasonably be able to guess by this point in the story...
STFU, NOOB!
The End.
Allez. They Lived Happily Ever After. Homard.
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saxfiend
Feb 3, 2005, 10:06 PM
Post #187 of 977
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Registered: Dec 31, 2004
Posts: 1208
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Dear NOOB --
I joined Rockclimbing.com over a month ago, but still haven't accumulated enough posts to have the coveted title of "Boulderer" under my user name. What do I need to do??? Or alternatively, is there some gear I could use to compensate for the shame of having a blank under my name?
Thanks in advance!
Saxfiend
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subtle
Feb 4, 2005, 3:30 PM
Post #188 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I joined Rockclimbing.com over a month ago, but still haven't accumulated enough posts to have the coveted title of "Boulderer" under my user name. What do I need to do??? Or alternatively, is there some gear I could use to compensate for the shame of having a blank under my name?
I think you're looking at this all wrong. At the moment, you're like the cute new co-ed at sorority rush...you're the center of attention, infinitely desirable, and everybody loves you. As soon as you align yourself with one group or another, though...watch out...all of a sudden 90% of the world hates you...and the other 10% is busy trying to steal your boyfriend and talking smack on your 5.8+ sends because you dabbed off the start hold.
Anyhow, since for some silly reason you want to pump up your bouldering street cred, here's how to do it. First, acquire the uniform. $195 multi-colored radically downturned shoes that you will use on V0+ slab problems. Nine pair of identical mega-flared yet bizzarely short ninja-pants made of 'technical fabric'...aka...garbage bag material. Duffle bag sized chalk pot, 50lbs of chalk, and 47 toothbrushes to clean holds with. Prana beanie, natch. Throw away all your shirts...shirts are widely seen as a tool of oppression...fight the power, brah!
Now that you look the part, you must sound the part. There are only three acceptable topics in bouldering conversation:
1. The Proj you're working, complete with move by move beta.
2. Chris Sharma
3. Women who won't sleep with you, and why.
Bonus points are given for combining all three in the same sentence, like so: "So, after the bad sloper you have to, like, totally dyno to this razor-blade crimp, yo, and I'm like, yeah, brah, maybe if I was Sharma, but yo, if I can send, I totally think that hottie from yesterday will get with me...Rad, yo!"
Now that you are blending in seamlessly with the bouldering community, it's time to act the part. This is fairly easy. Go buy a huge crashpad, lug it to the base of a V1+ problem...and sit on it. Occasionally get up and milk the start holds a little, but be sure to sit back down before you accidentally climb the thing. If someone asks why you're just looking at the rock while listening to your headphones, tell them you're waiting for optimal friction.
Aren't we all?
Allez. Homard.
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arjunrattan
Feb 8, 2005, 5:59 AM
Post #189 of 977
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Registered: Feb 20, 2004
Posts: 150
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hey noob
after weeks of being a really popular topic i see ASK THE NOOB is now on page two?? wats up with this. its totally uncool! i mean i can feel my climbing go down already, thanks to all the usefull advice i dont seem to be getting. please of protector of noobs, do something. you are our(fellow noobs) only hope. restore ask the NOOB to its former glory! i say this should be made a sticky thread right at the top, considering the wealth of information that lies herein!
as you say. alez, eh!
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all_that_is_rock
Feb 8, 2005, 4:44 PM
Post #190 of 977
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Registered: Feb 8, 2005
Posts: 291
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Dear NOOB:
just thought you would like to hear from a satisfied costomer! i started my own diet consisting of raw fish slatherd in mustard and tabasco. the only drawback is the fish goes bad the first day on big wall, but its ok because im a hard man. i recently climbed cerro torre in a day using my 4000 meter rope. i only place one #3 stopper the whole way and it was on the third pitch. i also started to ice climb with bare feet and toothpick in each hand, and i dry tooled an M16 FA on half dome in a blizzard. since im so awsome now I had my name changed to Barron Flawless the Great. we should hook up soon and go base jumping in a lightning storm off the top of an oak tree.
Sincerly: Sir Barron Flawless the Great
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subtle
Feb 8, 2005, 6:36 PM
Post #191 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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It warms my shrunken, no cardio-doing, boulderer heart to see that people like reading Ask The NOOB. We...errr...I...here at Ask The NOOB, Inc. will be rolling out a number of product improvements on a going forward basis to better serve you, the customer. Please take this opportuity to fill out a brief survey, so that your voice can be heard...and...mocked.
Ask The NOOB Quality Control Survey:
I like it best when The NOOB makes fun of:
a. Boulderers
b. Trad Climbers
c. Sport Climbers
d. Aid Climbers
e. All French People
f. Himself
The Cliche that the NOOB should drop first is:
a. Boulderers never have sex (with other people).
b. All sport climbers wear spandex.
c. Trad Climbers only eat Ham Sandwiches.
d. French People are annoying.
e. All of the Above.
I wish the NOOB did more posts about:__________________
If I met the NOOB, I would:
a. Give him a Ham Sandwich
b. Sock him in the nose.
c. Fix him up with my hot friends.
d. Steal his chalk and campus his proj, then call him a Beyotch.
e. All of the above.
Optional 500 Word Essay:
Thank you for your support.
Allez. Homard. Trademark 2004, 2005. NOOBco Industries, LLC.
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jakedatc
Feb 8, 2005, 9:43 PM
Post #192 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
Posts: 11054
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1) a. Boulderers
b. Trad Climbers
2) b. All sport climbers wear spandex.
3) how i can ascent my 10Km peak dammit!
4) d. Steal his chalk and campus his proj, then call him a Beyotch. (been there... done that)
500 word essay to be dictated on next car ride or perhaps i'll pass it in early tonight at that plastic rock land
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all_that_is_rock
Feb 10, 2005, 6:39 AM
Post #193 of 977
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Registered: Feb 8, 2005
Posts: 291
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1)keep making fun of those stinky, non armpit shaving frogs.
2)trad climbers only eat ham sandwitches
3)aid climbers, alpine goonies, and ice monkeys ( i myself am guilty)
4) non of the abouve. if i met the noob i would rub him down with dryer sheets then give him a hug. wait hard men dont hug eeergh.
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subtle
Feb 10, 2005, 9:14 PM
Post #194 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear noob, what size shoe should I get? It seems like the better climbers like size 9. I really want to be a better climber. Thanks!
Well, you've already hit on the key princple, that gear = sucess...so you're like 96% to sending V14. Here's the scoop for the other 14%, bro, on the reality tip.
Size doesn't mean anything....ahem...as far as climbing shoes, that is. The dirty buggers are totally handmade, and let's just say the quality control is about as good as you would expect from a product manfacturered entirely by boulderers...which is to say...rad, yo! I once had a pair of factory fresh high-strung thoroughbred uber-slippers disintegrate in a cloud of patchouli oil and rubber bits because I looked at them with bad footwork in my soul. The number '9' sewn into the heel could just as easily be an upside down '6'...or a backward 'e'...or all of the above. I hear that both Litz and Kehl wear 9e6 shoes...
There's really only two sizes...'Hurts' and 'I climb for fun!'.
Ice cream and cake in the party room...
Allez. Gangrene. Homard.
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karina
Feb 11, 2005, 7:51 PM
Post #195 of 977
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Registered: Feb 1, 2005
Posts: 31
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Dear NOOB,
I've been climbing for a year now and I'm doing spectacular things on 5.7s at my gym. I'm really getting noticed by all the other climbers at the gym. I believe it's time to work on my image. I need a climbing wardrobe overhaul, but I have some questions:
-is it best to wear the most expensive designer clothes you can find? I heard they come with an "instantly better climbing" guarantee.
-should I mix different labels?
Thanks.
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jomal
Feb 11, 2005, 8:32 PM
Post #196 of 977
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Registered: Oct 10, 2004
Posts: 45
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Dear n00b,
I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
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csgambill
Feb 11, 2005, 11:35 PM
Post #197 of 977
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Registered: May 3, 2004
Posts: 607
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Dear nOOb,
I really want to be a trad climber, but mostly I just want to be cool. I saw an earlier post where you said the key to being good is buy tons of shiny cam and nut things. So I did. I even made some of my own with stuff I bought at the local hardware store and found in my dad's tool shed! Now my question goes like this: I wear my harness everywhere! and I hang all my cam and nut things from it. My principal at my high school says I have to take off my harness because all the stuff could be used as a weapon. But how can I be cool without all my trad stuff? Please help! I just want to be accepted!
Ps. I think my principal may be hitting on me by trying to get me to take off my harness. Should I be concerned?
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naw
Feb 11, 2005, 11:49 PM
Post #198 of 977
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Registered: Sep 13, 2004
Posts: 192
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
This is infinitely funnier than a response could ever be.
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 1:26 AM
Post #199 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
Wow...just...sheesh, wow.
Allez. Wow. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 1:54 AM
Post #200 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear nOOb, I really want to be a trad climber, but mostly I just want to be cool. I saw an earlier post where you said the key to being good is buy tons of shiny cam and nut things. So I did. I even made some of my own with stuff I bought at the local hardware store and found in my dad's tool shed! Now my question goes like this: I wear my harness everywhere! and I hang all my cam and nut things from it. My principal at my high school says I have to take off my harness because all the stuff could be used as a weapon. But how can I be cool without all my trad stuff? Please help! I just want to be accepted! Ps. I think my principal may be hitting on me by trying to get me to take off my harness. Should I be concerned?
You have a number of issues, there, friend...but fortunately I have a lot of free time...so let's work through this...I got your spot, brah.
Firstly, any trad rack that you can wear for very long without sustaining some sort of hideous explosive groiny-pully type injury just isn't awfully impressive. A proper trad rack should require some sort of cart to pull along beind you...or a...burro...perhaps two burros and a...sherpa. Anyway, if you aren't rolling 50 cams deep, you're not going to get into the Trad Climber VIP room at Da Club, y'heard?
Secondly, could your rack be used as a weapon? C'mon now, like any self-respecting traddie would dare risk sproinging a trigger cable off his belolved #6 C4...to say nothing of the fact that each of your pieces of pro is so dear to you it probably has it's own name. Would Shelia the tri-cam ever hurt anyone? Of course not...
So, then, is your principal trying to hit on you...and the answer is almost certainly...yes. As we well know, trad folk are the coolest, sexiest and most virile of all the climber tribes...we know this...because they tell us all the time. Perhaps your principal is attracted to the intoxicating aroma of ham sandwich and all-day shoe funk...who can say? Regardless, you will have to learn to deal with this eventually, since as a trad climber you have a long future ahead of you of breaking hearts and hauling jugs. Tell your principal the truth...that your heart is spoken for...by 140 feet of perfect splitter with bomber placements.
He'll understand...
Allez. Heartbreak. Homard.
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