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mother_sheep
Feb 17, 2005, 11:50 PM
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Well, I think I did something stooopid. I decided it was time to start dating again. I have the hardest time meeting men. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t hardly visit the bars and when I’m climbing I’m either with another guy or I’m in a place where there are virtually no other people. So I decided to take out an ad on match.com. Big mistake. I’ve met some pretty cool guys but I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t possible to be in a relationship with someone who does not climb or who is not interested in the types of climbing that I do. The reason being is that I’m selfish with my time. As a single mom, there is no way I’m going to give up kid time for dating (NO WAY IN HELL). Then on those days where my sons are with my ex, I want to climb. I have no idea how to find the balance. I’m curious to hear from others, men or women, who devote a great deal of time to climbing and have managed to have a successful relationship. I seem to be getting myself involved with these men who get upset with me for wanting to spend my weekends in remote places, climbing with my partners and THEN see them when I get back. Maybe I’m just incredibly selfish. I really do want to have my cake and eat it to. But holy crap, can someone give me a clue how it’s done? I feel kind of like an idiot for posting this and even putting myself on a personals site anyway but I’m to the point where I’m feeling that I have to find my own happiness because up to this point, it’s not seeking me out. So clue me in. From what I’ve discovered, I’m either A. going to have to give up some of my climbing time (but really, why should I give up something that I love). B. Find a guy who enjoys adventure climbing and can stand to have a female as his SO and partner from time to time. C. Give up searching and take as much happiness I can from climbing, realize I’m really lucky and stop bitching about my love life. Even if you have to flame me do it, I don’t care. And BTW. . .this is NOT a troll. After telling another guy that it wasn’t going to work out because he didn’t understand me, I’m a little upset and pissed off at myself. Maybe hearing that I’m a dumbass from other people will do me some good. Go for it. I’d love to hear from some female climbers who have experienced this. I hope there are some because I’m really, really feeling like a freak.
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gblauer
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Feb 18, 2005, 1:33 AM
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Mother_Sheep, The answer is simple. Fall in love with a climbing guy. That's what I did (Mitchal) and now I have a climbing partner, training buddy, best friend and lover. Life couldn't be sweeter. Alternatively, find a guy that wants to learn... Personally, I don't think you can climb all the time, be a good mother and be in a relationship with a non-climber. The urge to climb is too strong, you are away all the time, your non clmbing SO will never understand and you are likely climbing with male climbing partners. This all adds up to a lot of frustration and unhappiness for all. (I know this because I was involved with a non-climber at the beginning of my climbing, the more obsessed I became, the more he refused to even consider learning. It was the END of our relationship) So...how did I meet Mitchal? Through RC.COM! I was a noob looking for a climbing mentor and he stepped up. It was literally love at first site, 2.5 years later, we couldn't possibly be happier. He is involved with my kids, we have travelled the world climbing, we hit the gym together at least 2-3 times per week and we compete in local bouldering comps together. I keep pinching myself to see if I am going to wake up from this dream, I never imagined finding love again, let alone at my ripe old age.
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climbhigh2005
Feb 18, 2005, 3:09 AM
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YEp... My boyfriend of 3 years and I got into climbing together... now we climb obsessivly and have a great relationship... :)
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crimpergirl
Feb 18, 2005, 3:19 AM
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Mother_Sheep: Been there, done that. I did Eharmony though. I know a lot of people have had huge success with Match and Eharmony, but that was not the case with me. I think a lot of it has to do with being a bit older. I think for older (not old) women dating decent men (heck, finding decent men) is much more difficult. In sum, the pickins' are mighty slim. I told myself when I signed up for Eharmony that I had to meet each person they suggested I meet. And I did. Both guys. Let's see, the first one - Brad - showed up and looked NOTHING like his photo. Ruddy red complexion, fat, bleached permed hair (ack). A horror. The first words out of his mouth were "wow, you look just like your photo!" I said, "shocker, huh?" We sat there at TGIF (his choice) while I listened to his excruciately boring life - how everyone has done him wrong - how he is so awesome - how his ex-wife is a bitch (word to men, don't tell dates that your ex is a wench even if she was). We never did get to anything about me. The lunch was so bad I started wishing my friends were at the bar so they could at least get a kick out of the horror of it all. Guy 2: Keith. One of his opening statements to me was "wow, your hair has a lot of colors in it. I don't like it." Off to a good start. ha. His eyes pointed off in two directions like a chameleon and I could never figure out which one to focus on. I'm not making fun of this, but it was difficult to fein interest. The conversation was dull. I got the standard comments regarding my background and interests and lack of kids, etc. When I got back to the office I had an email from him asking me to 'rate' several aspects of the date on a scale of 0 to 10 so he could determine if there should be another. weirdo. The third guy I was suppose to meet had the following hobbies: killing birds, stuffing birds, eating birds, hunting birds, etc. I guess we got matched since my profile said that I love birds, I raise birds, I have several birds, I bird watch, etc. You get the picture. I chose not to meet this savage. Where are all the decent men? If you find some, please let me know too.
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goofyc
Feb 18, 2005, 3:30 AM
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I am in a similar boat as you and found that most guys you meet that are worth your time are either married (and hiding it) or gay. But on the flip side, have you tried maybe looking into posting an ad at your local climbing gym and seeing if any one is single and looking for a climbing partner? This could lead into something more. Maybe we should petition our favorite website, this one, to make a forum for single climbers looking for partners on and off the walls? It's a thought! :lol: 8^)
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crimpergirl
Feb 18, 2005, 3:39 AM
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Thanks for the helpful suggestion. Thing is, I have no difficulty finding climbing partners. I have several regular partners who I really enjoy. Problem is that I am 40 years old and I climb relatively hard (harder than I ever thought I would). Find me a 35+ guy who climbs, isn't married, isn't bitter and cynical, doesn't care if I climb harder than him, isn't gay who is interested in a relationship and I'll happily meet him. Hell, I'll fly someone to meet him! Don't know if this is similar to Mother_Sheep's issue or I'm alone with this sort of thing.
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maculated
Feb 18, 2005, 6:35 AM
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Crimper, they are out there. I know some really stellar individuals that I climb with regularly. You just have to go climbing at J Tree. MS knows this, but seriously - if you're a stellar woman, you need a stellar man. Since the quality of stellar is rare, both sexes are out there looking . . . looking . . . looking. Some are lucky, others not so much.
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cantbuymefriends
Feb 18, 2005, 12:29 PM
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In reply to: Maybe hearing that I’m a dumbass from other people will do me some good. Go for it. You are NOT a dumbass! The men you meet who don't want to climb with you, on the other hand... :wink: About your alternatives, I'd say go for C! If that's what YOU want! Maybe you'll get lucky and strike a B) one day. But if you don't, well at least you wont have to be sitting around feeling miserable for giving up something you love. All the best /J (Sorry for answering this without being a woman, but take it for what it's worth.)
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adnix
Feb 18, 2005, 12:40 PM
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In reply to: From what I’ve discovered, I’m either A. going to have to give up some of my climbing time (but really, why should I give up something that I love). B. Find a guy who enjoys adventure climbing and can stand to have a female as his SO and partner from time to time. C. Give up searching and take as much happiness I can from climbing, realize I’m really lucky and stop b---- about my love life. I'd go for plan B or C. Depends on how much routine you'll be ready to tolerate.
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crimpergirl
Feb 18, 2005, 2:06 PM
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Hmmmmm.... I've always wanted to go to JTree... :D
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 2:58 PM
Post #11 of 48
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In reply to: Mother_Sheep, The answer is simple. Fall in love with a climbing guy. That's what I did (Mitchal) and now I have a climbing partner, training buddy, best friend and lover. Life couldn't be sweeter. Alternatively, find a guy that wants to learn... Personally, I don't think you can climb all the time, be a good mother and be in a relationship with a non-climber. The urge to climb is too strong, you are away all the time, your non clmbing SO will never understand and you are likely climbing with male climbing partners. This all adds up to a lot of frustration and unhappiness for all. (I know this because I was involved with a non-climber at the beginning of my climbing, the more obsessed I became, the more he refused to even consider learning. It was the END of our relationship) So...how did I meet Mitchal? Through RC.COM! I was a noob looking for a climbing mentor and he stepped up. It was literally love at first site, 2.5 years later, we couldn't possibly be happier. He is involved with my kids, we have travelled the world climbing, we hit the gym together at least 2-3 times per week and we compete in local bouldering comps together. I keep pinching myself to see if I am going to wake up from this dream, I never imagined finding love again, let alone at my ripe old age. Wow gblauer, that's awesome!
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 3:03 PM
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In reply to: Mother_Sheep: Been there, done that. I did Eharmony though. I know a lot of people have had huge success with Match and Eharmony, but that was not the case with me. I think a lot of it has to do with being a bit older. I think for older (not old) women dating decent men (heck, finding decent men) is much more difficult. In sum, the pickins' are mighty slim. I told myself when I signed up for Eharmony that I had to meet each person they suggested I meet. And I did. Both guys. Let's see, the first one - Brad - showed up and looked NOTHING like his photo. Ruddy red complexion, fat, bleached permed hair (ack). A horror. The first words out of his mouth were "wow, you look just like your photo!" I said, "shocker, huh?" We sat there at TGIF (his choice) while I listened to his excruciately boring life - how everyone has done him wrong - how he is so awesome - how his ex-wife is a b---- (word to men, don't tell dates that your ex is a wench even if she was). We never did get to anything about me. The lunch was so bad I started wishing my friends were at the bar so they could at least get a kick out of the horror of it all. Guy 2: Keith. One of his opening statements to me was "wow, your hair has a lot of colors in it. I don't like it." Off to a good start. ha. His eyes pointed off in two directions like a chameleon and I could never figure out which one to focus on. I'm not making fun of this, but it was difficult to fein interest. The conversation was dull. I got the standard comments regarding my background and interests and lack of kids, etc. When I got back to the office I had an email from him asking me to 'rate' several aspects of the date on a scale of 0 to 10 so he could determine if there should be another. weirdo. The third guy I was suppose to meet had the following hobbies: killing birds, stuffing birds, eating birds, hunting birds, etc. I guess we got matched since my profile said that I love birds, I raise birds, I have several birds, I bird watch, etc. You get the picture. I chose not to meet this savage. Where are all the decent men? If you find some, please let me know too. OMG! The visuals are killing me about your dates. Mine haven't been that bad. I've limited myself to going out for drinks with them pretty late in the evening so I can bail fast after a couple. This one guy, I had him meet me at the gym. I know there are descent guys out there. I'm a female with mostly male friends and seriously, I love these guys. They are descent, kind, etc. . . but I'm not attracted to them. Finding that complete package is so hard. I found it once, or at least I thought I did and in a flash, it fell apart. Grrrrrrrr!!!
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 3:04 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: From what I’ve discovered, I’m either A. going to have to give up some of my climbing time (but really, why should I give up something that I love). B. Find a guy who enjoys adventure climbing and can stand to have a female as his SO and partner from time to time. C. Give up searching and take as much happiness I can from climbing, realize I’m really lucky and stop b---- about my love life. I'd go for plan B or C. Depends on how much routine you'll be ready to tolerate. I'm hoping for B, dreaming about it in fact but currently living with C. Phooey.!
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 3:10 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: Maybe hearing that I’m a dumbass from other people will do me some good. Go for it. You are NOT a dumbass! The men you meet who don't want to climb with you, on the other hand... :wink: About your alternatives, I'd say go for C! If that's what YOU want! Maybe you'll get lucky and strike a B) one day. But if you don't, well at least you wont have to be sitting around feeling miserable for giving up something you love. All the best /J (Sorry for answering this without being a woman, but take it for what it's worth.) No worries. Anyone can answer, male or female. I suggested females answer me because I've been feeling a bit ostracized in my love life because of my climbing habit so I was hoping to hear that I'm not alone out there. Yeah, C has kinda been my path lately. But yeah, I am hoping that C will get me to B but I need to open my eyes more. I focus so much on climbing that I'm not taking the time to see if there are any Bs out there. This is almost like algebra. I'm awful at math. :lol:
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crimpergirl
Feb 18, 2005, 3:10 PM
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I wish I could say I was exaggerating these dates when in reality I left out many equally hideous aspects of them to keep the post short. One day we'll meet and I'll have you crying from laughing at the rest of it. I joke that I should have kept notes on these dates and written a book. I don't have a title in mind, (feel free to make a suggestion) but I know the structure of the book... Each chapter would be titled the guy's name. So chapter 1 is Brad, and Chapter 2 is Keith, etc. The concluding chapter would be named for that one guy, the one that I can always depend on, who is loyal and never fails to please me - Bob (battery operated boyfriend). :lol: :shock: :lol: :shock: :lol:
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friktion
Feb 18, 2005, 3:30 PM
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Mother Sheep, Personally, I think that any of the 3 choices would work. B and C have been covered in other posts. I think the problem lies in the way option A is written. You can't be comfortable with option A because you don't want to sacrifice something you love, however your post is about balancing a love life a child and passion. Instead of looking at as a sacrifice, why not view it as an exchange. Its like your exchanging time with one love to find another, because you know that when you find the one that gives you balance that whatever you gave up in the process will be seen as insignificant. Then again maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but thats my story and I'm sticking to it. Friktion
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 3:34 PM
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That's good insight. I never thought of it like that. Maybe I've been so unwilling to resort to A because I haven't met that right person who I've loved. I'm sure that once I do, I will be more willing to exchange. I just never looked at it like that.
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usmc_2tothetop
Feb 18, 2005, 3:46 PM
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In reply to: Mother Sheep, Personally, I think that any of the 3 choices would work. B and C have been covered in other posts. I think the problem lies in the way option A is written. You can't be comfortable with option A because you don't want to sacrifice something you love, however your post is about balancing a love life a child and passion. Instead of looking at as a sacrifice, why not view it as an exchange. Its like your exchanging time with one love to find another, because you know that when you find the one that gives you balance that whatever you gave up in the process will be seen as insignificant. Then again maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but thats my story and I'm sticking to it. Friktion Good post. I figure love isn't something you can go looking for. Looking for it can ehaust your emotions. You'll find it. Or I should say it will find you. Don't give up your passions. They are very important in life. Your passions are what give you enlightenment (if I spelled that right). Love is a whole other level of enlightenment. It will show you new things but also shed more light on things you already know. You will look at things in a different way. Passion and love are a combination. I used always be the person in a relationship. The past few years, aside from seeing people I have kind of done my own thing. My passions have held me content so far and for some reason I know love will trip over me sooner or later. I know my heart has a lot to give so it's only a matter of time. For now I'm ok with being single. It's more peacful than a relationship gone wrong. Then again I'm at a much younger stage in my life. For all I know 5 years from now this could be old news. I think I'm running my mouth now. Time to hit submit.
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winter
Feb 18, 2005, 6:32 PM
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ahh, the endless question for the passionate person. You sound like a passionate person, this means that although you are exceptional, things will be alot harder for you than someone who is just ho hum. You can't date a mundane person, me either. Resulted in me spending a lot of time single. Up until my current relationship I refused to sacrifice anything for a relationship. Ever. My ex-bf would make me dinner but I wouldn't get home from climbing until midnight and it would be cold. It hurt his feelings, I guess I didn't care. We fought constantly about how much time I spent climbing and riding. Ultimately we broke up. I really felt that if someone loves you they don't expect you to give up what you love. Then I realised that in fact, to love someone you will have to sacrifice some things, it's inevitable. We can't be everywhere at once, which is what I tried to do. Now I realise that it's just about finding someone you can get along with and laugh with who respects you and who you can have rocket sex with. That person may or may not climb. My current bf climbs but we do it seperately, I have my regular partners and so does he. We talk about our mutual experiences. My other passion is horses. I know I won't meet someone who shares this soooo....I make it clear from the start that this will take alot of my time and money, and that I will never give it up BUT I will be willing to juggle it so that we can spend time together. It's workign so far. I know this post is rambling but what I've learned is that as a passionate person, you need to be with someone who is also passionate. Find someone who has a passion that equals yours for climbing: It can be for anything, biking, surfing, skiing, reading...you name it. Those are the only sorts of people who will a)be able to entertain themselves when you are out climbing b)understand your need to be there. Hope this helps at least a little.
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bad_lil_kitty
Feb 18, 2005, 9:14 PM
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Wow - thank you ladies for your posts. While I know I haven't met the right guy there are times when I am fine w/ being single and there are other times, I'd love so badly to share my experiences w/ a partner. I don't want to tangent too much so I will stop here. Where are all the available good fellas? They're probably wondering the same thing (re: gals). Me - trying to stay optimistic always! Even though, I may need a good smack in the head for unsatifying reality.
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snoangel
Feb 21, 2005, 7:35 PM
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In reply to: Wow - thank you ladies for your posts. While I know I haven't met the right guy there are times when I am fine w/ being single and there are other times, I'd love so badly to share my experiences w/ a partner. Ditto.
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cracklover
Feb 21, 2005, 10:09 PM
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Sorry - I'm a guy, but I'll donate my $0.02 - disregard if you like. I have only one point to make: NEVER expect to get everything from one person. In your case, what I mean by that is that even if you do find your "soulmate" who climbs, you'll still find parts of your life that do not interlock with his. For me, that has meant that I have chosen a variation on A. It has been more or less workable so far. Who knows what the future will bring. GO
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macherry
Feb 22, 2005, 6:10 AM
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a few ramblings..............i've been with the same guy for almost 20 years. It wasn't our interests that brought us together, but mutual attraction/friendship.......yadda yadda yadda. We share some interests like mtn biking and skiing, but for the most part even with these activites we tend to do them separately. he will climb with me, but he's not passionate about the activity. Conversely, he loves motorcycles, and i'm not the least bit interested in getting on one. We both respect each other's need to explore their passion, even though we don't do it together. time apart is savoured just as much as time together. I really believe we wouldn't be together if we couldn't express ourselves individually and spend time apart. i have no real advice, just what works for me. MS, juggling kids/work/passions is hard.....especially as a single parent. But, you never know, just when you think you've given up :wink:
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tavs
Feb 22, 2005, 3:30 PM
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In reply to: I know this post is rambling but what I've learned is that as a passionate person, you need to be with someone who is also passionate. Find someone who has a passion that equals yours for climbing: It can be for anything, biking, surfing, skiing, reading...you name it. Those are the only sorts of people who will a)be able to entertain themselves when you are out climbing b)understand your need to be there. Hope this helps at least a little. Great insight. While for me, the shared passion of climbing has been there, I think Winter's right, you need to find not just anybody, but someone who can share passion (even if not for the same thing) with you....Trouble is, it can be awfully difficult to find such people. So, a few thoughts from me. I met my boyfriend of over four years through climbing, though I was definitely looking for climbing partners and not love partners (I do think there is something to the whole "finding love when you're not looking" thing). We have other climbing partners, but we are each others' first choice partner. It is, frankly, fantastic. And one great thing is that even within climbing, we've been able to share the process of getting into new things together--learned to ice climb together last year, he started learning to aid climb first and is now teaching me. I think there are single guy climbers out there who are amazing people (I've got some awesome single friends). But it can be hard to find and connect with them, especially if, as MS said, you tend to be out at the crag with other guys. You might want to work on that situation. I was out this weekend with a married guy friend and his single girl friend, they had a whole system worked out where she could single him if she was talking to/wanted to talk to a possibly interesting guy. A bit cheesy, but it sent the signal to "hey, give me a few minutes here before you come over looking for a belay and make this guy think you're my man." The other point is purely based on my experience, but I don't know many good, functioning relationships between a committed climber and a non-climber. This is NOT to say it's not possible (macherry shows that), but I suppose it is to say it seems rare. A friend of mine recently broke up with his non-climber girlfriend, and while the breakup had nothing to do with the climbing issue, one of his first reactions/assessments was that next time, he needed a climber girl. With our reformulation of it, I think A is possible, but we shouldn't expect it to be easy. A good friend of mine has been a climber for over a decade, but has climbed much less in the last couple of years. His girlfriend is not really a climber (note: she does climb some, and she enjoys ice climbing, but kind of hates rock), and there is a strain. You need for both sides to be willing to make compromises (not just on your end, MS)--you to give up some climbing time for a guy you love, but also the guy to give up some you time for the passion you love. That doesn't always seem to happen with this friend of mine--his decisions to go away for a weekend, for example, are almost always met (no matter how much advance notice he gives) with complaints and sullen moods. But, despite the strain, they seem to be working it all out....it just takes time and you really need to find that great person to be willing to give all that. Ok, that's the end of my long-winded rambling. Hope someone gets something out of it :)
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wanderinfree
Feb 22, 2005, 4:29 PM
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Ma Sheep, I completely hear your pain on this one, and I was thinking about the same issue on the trip down to Hueco Tanks this weekend. I think in the end it isn't about A, B, or C. It's simply about meeting someone you feel that passion for. It's amazing how easy it is to alter our priorities when there is someone you are excited about waiting for you. Dating another climber is ideal, as they will understand your passion and it opens that door to shared experiences, but I have qualifiers on this one. I think you are like me in that you already have established partners. I'm not looking for a new partner, and in many aspects, I don't want to start off meeting someone new by climbing with them. If the relationship ends, then you loose a trusted climbing partner as well. Cynical I know, but just a safety catch. But I would much rather date another climber who also has an established partner. Then, no pressure on "you spend too much time climbing," or "you spend a lot of time alone with another man." And it would also leave open the door to climbing WITH that person as well, if the relationship continues. So maybe the key is to meet men at your gym, but instead of climbing with them--simply ask them out for drinks after. Really need to do less thinking on car trips.
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