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climberchic
Feb 22, 2005, 10:41 PM
Post #1 of 17
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Registered: Apr 24, 2000
Posts: 2077
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Yes, I know I have a theme going here. Please excuse me - I'm bored.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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climberterp
Feb 22, 2005, 11:04 PM
Post #2 of 17
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Registered: Jun 16, 2003
Posts: 386
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In reply to: I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
I am laughing so hard I can barely type!! My smallish dog takes up way more than his share of space on the bed, and is able to give you such an adorable and pitiful look that you feel guilty for wanting to actually be comfortable in your own bed. Plus, he has an amazing grasp of English. Last night my hubby was saying that he was going to keep the dog out of the bedroom because he keeps getting woken up by the scratching. Just a couple of minutes later Loki goes trot trot trotting down the hall to the bedroom and curls up on my hubby's pillow. Now, normally he doesn't come into the bedroom until one of us is actually in there and in the bed. I think he's way smarter than we realize. :?
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zozo
Feb 22, 2005, 11:15 PM
Post #3 of 17
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Registered: Feb 3, 2004
Posts: 3431
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That's funny as hell!! My dog will get in between me and the wall and put his front paws on the wall, his back paws on me and stretch out, basically pushing me off the bed.
Dogs are smarter than people.
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dookie
Feb 23, 2005, 1:22 PM
Post #5 of 17
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Registered: Nov 25, 2003
Posts: 3528
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this is one of the funniest things I've read in a while! :lol: :lol: too freaking hilarious, this is my dog to a tee.
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overlord
Feb 23, 2005, 6:26 PM
Post #6 of 17
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Registered: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 14120
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
my exgf had a dog that was just like that. well, it was big (giant schnauzer) but when i first saw him id never guess hed need the whole bed to sleep comfortably.
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joshj
Feb 23, 2005, 6:39 PM
Post #7 of 17
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Registered: Jun 25, 2003
Posts: 302
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:lol: :lol:
Too funny!
We have 5 cats that all find it necessary to sleep on our full-size bed with us. The youngest one has a tendancy to sleep on my head if he can't find room between us! :roll:
Hey, at least we save money on heating and blankets. ;-)
josh
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bandycoot
Feb 23, 2005, 6:48 PM
Post #8 of 17
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Registered: Nov 25, 2002
Posts: 2028
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My dog always sleeps perpendicular between my wife and I in the tent. Stupid dog.... :lol:
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epic_ed
Feb 23, 2005, 7:19 PM
Post #9 of 17
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Registered: Jun 17, 2002
Posts: 4724
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As the owner of a Rottweiler and two precocious cats, I can fully identify with the "message." I have printed it out and will leave copies for their review in obvious locations where it will be hard to miss -- such as on the table, the counter top, or bottom of the toilet bowl. I expect they will ignore these edicts and will claim they don't know how to read, much less understand English. I know this is a bunch of crap because they'll sit there and watch TV and they even have their favorite shows. They get it. One of the cats even helps me websurf. Don't tell me these guys don't know how to read and write. I'm not buying it.
Ed
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epic_ed
Feb 23, 2005, 9:07 PM
Post #11 of 17
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Registered: Jun 17, 2002
Posts: 4724
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Well, Loran, that explains some of the more intelligent posts coming from your IP address. Who shall we assume is posting the drivel? He wouldn't be known to wear a purple sport bra now and then, would he?
Skibbs -- yeah, you're right. They'd either shread it or hide it under some piece of furniture never to be seen again until the next time we move.
Ed
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the_pirate
Feb 23, 2005, 9:33 PM
Post #12 of 17
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Registered: May 20, 2003
Posts: 3984
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In reply to: I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Hmmm, after having a dog for 6 years, I wonder how I ever managed to crap without him. I'm just thankful that he doesn't tie a rope around my neck while I poop.
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climberterp
Feb 23, 2005, 9:38 PM
Post #13 of 17
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Registered: Jun 16, 2003
Posts: 386
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In reply to: In reply to: I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. Hmmm, after having a dog for 6 years, I wonder how I ever managed to crap without him. I'm just thankful that he doesn't tie a rope around my neck while I poop.
maybe that's what my dog is thinking when he looks at me all forlornly while he poops 'this sucks, why don't YOU have to wear a collar and leash when you poop?'
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edge
Feb 23, 2005, 10:31 PM
Post #14 of 17
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Registered: Apr 14, 2003
Posts: 9120
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In reply to: Well, Loran, that explains so of the more intelligent posts coming from your IP address. Who shall we assume is posting the drivel? He wouldn't be known to wear a purple sport bra now and then, would he? Ed
Dammit Ed, the bra was "cornflower", not purple!!! :evil:
And Miss Penny Underfoot is most decidedly not a "he". She poops in your general direction.
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blowboarder
Feb 24, 2005, 12:03 AM
Post #15 of 17
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Registered: Feb 7, 2005
Posts: 681
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I don't mean to be a killjoy on this lovefest, but wasn't the original post a copy/paste out of widely circulated supposedly humorous emailing?
Cause I deleted it out of my email sometime last year.
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madriver
Feb 24, 2005, 12:22 AM
Post #16 of 17
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Registered: Oct 17, 2001
Posts: 8700
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In reply to: Re: Letter to Pets
..was that the pre-quel to "Pet Sounds"..?
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