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adeptus
Mar 5, 2005, 9:31 PM
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My girlfriend is perfect. She is intelligent, beautiful, play the violin and so on. She is kind of a family person and would like to spend all holidays with family and friends at home and doesn’t like to travel too much. She doesn’t like it when I travel and she certainly doesn’t like it when I go on a climbing trip.
After my last trip she nearly got a nervous breakdown and wanted to split up with me when I got home. I convinced her to give me a second chance (third chance actually) and promised that I wouldn’t go climbing for a while.
I love her very much and she knows how important climbing is to me, but apparently she can’t handle the stress of me leaving and maybe not returning (that’s how she sees it).
I wish I could tell her that I will quit climbing for her sake, but it’s such a big part of me that I wouldn’t be the same person if I stopped and she knows that. She says that she can’t think or do anything when I'm on a trip, because she is so worried. She actually said that she loved me for who I am, but I should find a girlfriend who climbs, because she can’t keep going on like this.
The thing is that I don’t want a girl who climbs. I want her and no other.
What should I do? Anybody been in a similar situation?
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112
Mar 5, 2005, 9:41 PM
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In reply to: I convinced her to give me a second chance (third chance actually) and promised that I wouldn’t go climbing for a while.
It sounds like you know the answer. You have to decide what makes you happier (climbing or her), because your not going to get both.
Ken
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couchwarrior
Mar 5, 2005, 9:47 PM
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I think you will forced to choose at some point - most committed alpinists have at least a few broken relationships in their wake. If you are just a poser or wanker, you'll be fine. But didn't you post a bunch of major alpine testpieces as your goals for 2005 in another thread? Any of those are going to strain your relationship in a major way.
Your wants and desires are valid and reasonable. So are your girlfriend's. My girlfriend paid for my plane ticket to Argentina to climb, and we have rented an apartment here for 2 months. I'm sure she would prefer I spend this 2 months hanging in cafes, walking in the parks, etc. We have a strong and balanced relationship but it can still be tough. She used to accompany me to the start of alpine climbs like the Eiger and Mont Blanc but she decided that watching me walk away makes her want to puke. She deals with it but who knows for how long?
My advice is to try with your whole heart to make things work and go easy on yourself. Don't make promises you can't keep. Remember that sometimes nobody can be "wrong" in a relationship and it still might not work.
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slavetogravity
Mar 5, 2005, 9:57 PM
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My grandmother once told me, as she lay on her death bed, “Well Aaron, you can’t bloody well marry a rock, now can you!!?”
I’m in a relationship that’s been going strong for close to two years now. I’m lucky because my girlfriend is cool about me going climbing. Even though she’s never with me when I’m climbing, we both agree that it’s important that we both have separate lives. She telling me that I have to quit climbing to be with her would be like me demanding that she quit University to be with me. Because at the end of the day she spends a hell of a lot more time at school then I’ll ever spend climbing.
Now you have to ask your self. Is climbing the only problem here? Or is there more? If your GF’s anxiety is caused by her insecurity in the knowledge that your living some sort of double life away from her, and that’s she’s stressed that your out cheeting on her or that climbing is somehow more important then her. Then there’s your problem.
If that’s the case then today it’s climbing, then tomorrow it’s your job, the next day it’s your friends, then it’s family. Before you know it you’ve sacrificed everything you hold deer in your life so you could bow down to her insecurities.
If that’s the case then, I’m sorry to say, no amount of violin playing is going to worth the amount of sacrifice you’re going to have to make to satisfy this women.
On the other hand, if this girl of yours is in no way insecure and selfish then forget what I’ve just said. Ditch climbing and take my Grandmothers advice. Because like Grama says. “You can love the rock, but the rock can’t love you back.”
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abraxas
Mar 5, 2005, 10:20 PM
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You do realize that your relationship with this woman is doomed, right?
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csgambill
Mar 5, 2005, 10:21 PM
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In reply to: It sounds like you know the answer. You have to decide what makes you happier (climbing or her), because your not going to get both. Ken
Right on! There's no way in hell I'd give up climbing for a girl. Yes, they're both large and important parts of your life, but like 112 said you have to decide which makes you happier. There could still be a way to have your cake and eat it too. Have you tried taking her climbing just so she gets a better understanding of it, and sees that it's not completely reckless? I'm not suggesting you force her to become a climber, but just give her an idea of what it's all about. Mabye then she'll be a little more accepting. Good luck, I hope you figure out what makes you want out of life.
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slobmonster
Mar 5, 2005, 10:22 PM
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In reply to: If you are just a poser or wanker, you'll be fine. |
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mhh35
Mar 5, 2005, 10:25 PM
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I quit climbing for my wife
until the kids
Got the kids into it
They love it
The wife can't said much about it
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angry
Mar 5, 2005, 10:31 PM
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She's not for you. When people are together for a while they get comfortable with each other and think it is love. If you are a true climber, meaning part of your life will always be spent going up, this won't work.
She's a dramatic person wanting the perfect little life. You are perfect because right now she is "comfortable" I mean in love with you, she's just got to fix a few things. Climbing doesn't fit well into her vision of white picket fences.
Move on dude, I've done it and couldn't be happier.
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lightandfast
Mar 5, 2005, 10:42 PM
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Dr phil says: come on my show and we can talk.
Oprah says: see you in Chicago.
I say: pull down your pants, look in your underwear and you should see two egg shaped items. If you see them go and edit your post and erase it all. If you dont see two egg shaped items go to Dr phil and Oprah.
Question for you......you said shes perfect? Perfect except for the fact you cant be you. I find it amazing that you post this online and spray it to people you dont know. If you knew anything about yourself, you could awnser theses questions w/o sharing it with the whole world.
I quess anything goes on the site as long as it is remotley tied to climbing. For example,
I cant get an erection............is my harness too tight.
I have a receding hairline............is it from my helmet.
how do you change a flat tire.................Iam on a road trip.
See were iam going here.
www.oprah.com
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glchromeice
Mar 5, 2005, 10:51 PM
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Have you tried to get HER into climbing? Maybe just the indoors stuff so she really thinks it's safe and all...
If that don't work... you may just have to make the trechorous choice...
Or better yet, just go on long "camping trips" that actually are climbing trips. hahaha.
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no-brakes
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Mar 5, 2005, 10:52 PM
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While I've never been in the same situation, I can relate to any number of similar situations - girlfriend jealous/anxious when I'd do just about anything without her. That particular girl and I split up a long time ago...
There's a happy medium that both of you, if you truly love one another, need to work toward. You don't have to quit climbing, maybe just climb closer to home, not be gone for extended periods of time, etc. She, on the other hand, needs to address some serious control and manipulation issues. She's only happy when you're doing what makes her happy (or so it sounds). Also, you both ought to accept the fact you two may not be cut out for each other, that playing the ultimatum game (wanting to break up with you after a climbing trip???) not only breeds resentment, but is immature as hell.
Do you really want to be with someone who is not supportive and encouraging of the things that make you happy?
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sava6e
Mar 5, 2005, 11:39 PM
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seriously, my ex and i re-iderate EX tried to get me to sell my 1965 mustang becasue she thought i loved it more than her and all crazy nonsense, and she wanted me to choose car or her and i said i love you both the car and her just in different ways, well she couldnt handle that i mean how jealous can you get of a car but oh well so she said so your gonna choose the car over me and i said no you are choosing to leave by being irrational. im glad im outta that god and i was about to marry that girl, never felt so good to have the burden lifted. it seriously sounds like either your g/f thinks your gonna die cuz she loves you so much or shes jealous of climbing in which case take my advice, if they want you to change then they really dont love you they love who they want you to be, or 3rd she thinks your cheating which shes gonna just have to trust you then or go with, good excuse to get her into climbing!!!
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mega
Mar 5, 2005, 11:49 PM
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Does your girlfriend have an activity that she is frequently involved in that you have zero involvement - something to create a balance? My fiancee is very into poker and plays almost every weekend. He has no love for climbing and I have no love for poker, but our seperate activities create a balance in our relationship despite our differences. When I am not bogged down with work on the weekends, I go to the Gunks, he goes to Atlantic City and we are both happy doing our own thing during the day. He was even OK with me going to Colorado this past year with a male friend to climb. Although I would prefer it if he climbed, nobody is perfect.
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blind_wit
Mar 6, 2005, 12:16 AM
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If she loved you, she wouldnt make you choose.
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bmxer
Mar 6, 2005, 12:23 AM
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I only read the first half of the posts, but it was good advice.
Next time you go climbing invite her, and give her something to do, hey even teach her to belay, then she'll be the one who keeps you from dying, wouldn't that be fun?
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boardline22
Mar 6, 2005, 12:32 AM
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dump her I mean you always have your hand...if you catch my drift...
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sirdrinksalot
Mar 6, 2005, 12:52 AM
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two friends of mine, a male and female were dating, and in love. both were climbers, he had been at it for more than ten years and she had just started within the past year and progressing rapidly(as fit girls do). well, she was climbing with a bunch of other noobs and decked, breaking her back. luckily she had a remarkably speedy recovery. however she was advised by doctors and her parents to NEVER CLIMB AGAIN. so she gave my boy the big ultimatum. "me or climbing" what do you think he did? he eventually got over her.
you can't fall in love with someone and ask them to change. people always want to make their dream person instead of find them.
daniel son, its nature's rule, not mine.
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kpj240789
Mar 6, 2005, 12:57 AM
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Slap her in the face and tell her how its gonna go.
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vivalargo
Mar 6, 2005, 1:04 AM
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He wrote: "After my last trip she nearly got a nervous breakdown and wanted to split up with me when I got home. I convinced her to give me a second chance (third chance actually) and promised that I wouldn’t go climbing for a while."
She's playing you like a banjo.
JL
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gblauer
Moderator
Mar 6, 2005, 1:15 AM
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This is a doomed relationship.
You can't have someone prevent you from doing what you love.
GIve it up before you get married, have kids and impact more than your own lives when you get divorced.
You'll meet someone else who will embrace who you are and what you love.
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karlbaba
Mar 6, 2005, 1:18 AM
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How long have you been going out with her? A lot of newer relationships are more attached and clinging than ones that have had time to mellow.
You could try pointing out how important her own passions are to her and how they don't detract from your relationship. If you have money, you could get couples counseling. It would show how much you care and you could hope that a third party would have more leverage in getting her to see clearly.
Best of Luck
Karl
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static_endurance
Mar 6, 2005, 1:41 AM
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She needs to relax alot. Freaking out everytime you leave isn't healthy.
It's a hard situation you're in. I found myself there not too long ago, and i practically quit climbing for this girl. But when i realized that i had to be climbing and started again, it was the beginning of the end. Right now I couldn't be happier with my decision. But that's just me. You needa go with your gut instinct on this one.
And you also needa ask yourself a very important question. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Cause you can pretty much bet that you'll be climbing for a good chunk of the rest of your life, and unless you're going to spend the rest of your life with her, it's just time climbing that you're losing.
Make the right decision first. If you pick her but still have a need to climb, then believe me, the sound of that violin will get sour very quickly.
Oh, and make sure you pick up all your stuff from her house. My ex still has my $100 sunglasses :x .
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lightandfast
Mar 6, 2005, 1:49 AM
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In reply to: Slap her in the face and tell her how its gonna go.
trailer trash
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montaniero
Mar 6, 2005, 1:51 AM
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In reply to: He wrote: "After my last trip she nearly got a nervous breakdown and wanted to split up with me when I got home. I convinced her to give me a second chance (third chance actually) and promised that I wouldn’t go climbing for a while." She's playing you like a banjo. JL
Right on target! But you are also playing her:
You said you promised her you wouldn't go climbing for a while but then you say in some other post not long ago you want to climb this year Grandes Jorasses, Petit Dru, Grand Capucin and Central Pillar of Freney. Considering your tick list, maybe you should ask yourself: what would Walter Bonatti do in a situation like this? :)
Seriously, you are both lying to each other and yourselves. I believe you can't change what you are, it's against your nature. If she really loves you, she will accept you as you are. Falling out of love is hard, but there are many women in this world that will accept you as you are, either as rough alpinist or violin player. You need to end this relationship. I'd like to believe that's what Bonatti would do.
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