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builttospill
Apr 21, 2006, 5:23 AM
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I think most people do. This isn't an abnormal thought for people that climb, or who do other sports (or really any activity probably, where training is involved).
When I was running competitively, we would ask ourselves daily "why in god's name are we doing this to ourselves? We could go home, take a nap, eat some ice cream, drink beer and get fat." Sometimes people would disappear for 2-3 weeks at a time, but they'd almost always be back, regretting that they had left. Usually with a fire they hadn't had previously. I can't count the number of minutes I spent thinking about all the things I'd rather be doing when I was running 20 milers on the C&O Canal towpath on sunday afternoons. My friends were just waking up from drinking binges, and I had had to restrain myself. Or, it not, I was paying for it today.
I don't think I had ever felt that way about climbing previously. I've given up competitive running, over the course of the last two years. Repeated injuries, inability to cope with the high level of training and some other things helped cause that. I still run regularly to stay in shape for climbing, but nothing like before.
Today I was out attempting an alpine route I had been looking forward to for almost a year. It's a route a friend had done previously and I had regretted not going with him. I found a partner with a similarly odd schedule and we went and got after it. It's not major by any means, but taxing for my ability levels.
And about 1/3 of the way through the semi-technical climbing, we began to wonder whether we would finish the route with any daylight left. We ended up bailing from about the mid-point, a stupid decision in my opinion, since finishing the route would have taken less time than attempting to rappel off the ridge we were on.
But before that decision was even made, I honestly began to wonder why I was out there. I wasn't enjoying myself. We were simuling easy terrain, stuff that it would be tough to fall on--snow that was very steep, but firm enough to be secure. Easy 5th class rock. I still felt nervous though. Maybe it was because this was the first route I had been on where I was the de facto "leader" or the more knowledgeable of the two partners. I had never had that in my hands before. I always relied on my partner's placements when simuling easy terrain and they would lead the cruxes. I don't think my complacency had anything to do with fear of having someone's life in my hands though.....I felt confident that a fall could be arrested even without protection holding. I think he felt more nervous than I, and maybe that affected me.
But the fact that I stopped 2 or 3 times, just sat down, and thought "I'd really like to be at home, lying in my bed, watching a movie," makes me wonder why I got off work, drove straight to the trailhead and met this guy in the first place. What was the purpose? I enjoyed the first 15 minutes of skinning, after which my legs felt terrible. The climbing was hardly enjoyable, as I've mentioned. What was the point?
I went through a similar phase of wondering why I was climbing shortly after I started alpine climbing.....at that time I was engaged to a girl that had helped change my life in a lot of ways. I think climbing was originally an escape from social pressures, from disappointments, from whatever. I climbed because it was something different, it was slightly dangerous and I felt good after having done it. But during that time I backed off two routes in a month because I no longer felt the need to prove anything to anyone. She cared about me and that's all that mattered really. I could go home, a failure, and she wouldn't care.
But that's not the case this time. There is no girl. There is no redeeming quality in my life that assures me that what I've done here, with my 21 years, is worthwhile. But I'd still rather lay at home in my bed with the lights off.
I know it will pass. In two days I'll be daydreaming at my lame night job about routes on big mountains and trips I want to take. But right now I just want to put my gear in the attic, throw away my elitist climbing and running books, burn my books on philosophy and politics, change my major to something that will make a difference to someone instead of just perpetuating the same garbage we see on the nightly news day after day, and be left alone by everyone at work, school and elsewhere.
End of Rant/Diatribe/Emotional Psychobabble Rambling.
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yakiman
Apr 21, 2006, 6:24 AM
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I haven't asked myself this question for awhile, that is until I read your post. It reminded me of why I don't do alpine. I used to, but I really don't enjoy it as much as craggin' and bouldering.
I used to run like a fiend, but had to stop altogether after my 5th knee surgery (all on the same knee, 2 were ACL reconstructions).
Climbing is one of the few things that I have found that effectivley silences the philosophical/political/ego driven thoughts that typically float through my head day to day. I am not a serene person by nature and climbing has been one of the few activities that have given me the gift of peace. Its not a 100% of the time kind of thing but it generally works that way, especially on lead.
I think that my reason(s) of "why I climb" change all the time. Sometimes I just need to connect with my climbing buddies (wife and 3 kids are great, but I have to get out of the house now and then or I become irritable, restless, and discontent). Sometimes its an escape from ______ (insert anything here: work, school, etc.)Why I climb is usually some combination of reasons.
I have taken breaks from climbing when I have lost the desire. These breaks have been good. I usually return to the rock with a different perspective. Alex Lowe said something like (not a direct quote unless by accident), "The best climber on a given day is he who is having the most fun." WHOOP THERE IT IS!
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adnix
Apr 21, 2006, 9:45 AM
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In reply to: I went through a similar phase of wondering why I was climbing shortly after I started alpine climbing.....at that time I was engaged to a girl that had helped change my life in a lot of ways. I think climbing was originally an escape from social pressures, from disappointments, from whatever. I climbed because it was something different, it was slightly dangerous and I felt good after having done it.
Some of my motives are probably social stuff but most of all I like the scenery and exposure on a beautiful day. Every now ant then I like journey to suffering, too. Once out of the epic I remember what's important and what's not that meaningful.
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builttospill
Apr 21, 2006, 10:51 AM
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It wasn't even epic though. I've had epics and I usually complain endlessly during them. But by the time I've got food inside me and we're reminiscing a bit, it seems perfectly normal and I'm dreaming of being out there again.
Today we gave up before it was even reasonable to do so, partially because my partner was nervous and because I certainly wasn't willing to argue with him about it. I didn't care, and this was well before it was necessary to start thinking about getting off the thing. It was like 1 in the afternoon. We had plenty of daylight left.
In the last 6 weeks I've attempted 3 climbs and succeeded on one. It was, to be honest, underwhelming. The other failure was due to sickness. This one was lack of motivation. I'm wondering if I'm enjoying it less because I know all the sacrifices I have made to make time to climb. I want to climb a lot more, but I also have other things I do. I'm in school part time and work full time. I train daily, but it's hard to fit in time to climb very much, but I try. When I get back from a climb I usually have work to catch up on, things to take care of, etc. I think maybe some of my frustration is that I've rearranged my work schedule to accomodate climbing, and altered my life to help make time, and it has ended in disappiontment lately.
Who really knows how I'll feel tomorrow though.
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superted
Apr 21, 2006, 11:52 AM
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I think alpine climbing and crag climbing offer two completely different rewards for me. Alpine climbing can be miserable, the weather turns, your partner has cerebral edema, and you dropped your stove. The closer you come to death, the better story it will be when you get back down. Tempting fate is worth it only until somebody dies, and then you realize how foolish you were to be risking so much for so little(says Mark Twight). But rock climbing, I've found, is so much fun while you're doing it instead of just making a interesting journal entry. I think that's the difference. When I look back on my limited climbing experience, I realize that when I am mountaineering, trudging through the snow with 40 lbs on my back and my frozen snot is suffocating me through my balaclava, I am not happy at all. In fact, I can't wait to get the climb over with and be on my couch watching scrubs again. When I ask myself why I'm doing this to myself, the honest answer I do not want to admit is,"because I'd be bad ass if I told people I climbed this".
But when I'm rock climbing, my eyes glaze over every time I get to recoil the rope, set a stopper, step over a puckering rappel ledge, or any of the many things that must be done during a climb. I savor those moments and in them, I think with disgust how pathetic I would be if I were at home watching scrubs instead of on the rock.
So I guess it really matters why you climb. If you're trying to please somebody else, or feel obligated to prove yourself, you won't find any contentment in your struggle. When you find what you really want to do because you want to do it, the answer to your question would be very simple, "because it's fun"
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j_ung
Apr 21, 2006, 2:39 PM
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I had similar feelings about guiding when I used to do it full time. Eventually, I listened to them. I also had similar feelings climbing alpine stuff. Eventually, I listened to those, too. Now I'm just a fair-weather cragger. It's almost all single pitch. I'm out when the weather's good and I'm not when it isn't. And though my routes aren't terribly committing and I'm not climbing as hard as I once was, I'm happier than ever enjoying the crag social scene and playing on rock. If you aren't into it, don't do it. You'll be happier.
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brent_e
Apr 21, 2006, 2:55 PM
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We're the same age, Builttospill, and I know how you feel - having your play time feel like work. I realized that, with a bit of searching, there is an aspect of the sport that I really liked, and that drives me. And even though I don't get out as much as i wish i could, I still have a passion for the sport. Find what you like; if it's not climbing, that's ok. I know this is a contradiction, but if you find yourself in that place where you want to be in bed, push harder. You might just find out something about yourself you didn't know. I think Blanchard said "it doesn't have to be fun to be fun." like you said, you looked back and wished you hadn't turned around.
Brent
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adnix
Apr 21, 2006, 3:21 PM
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In reply to: When I ask myself why I'm doing this to myself, the honest answer I do not want to admit is,"because I'd be bad ass if I told people I climbed this". |
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schveety
Apr 21, 2006, 4:03 PM
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I haven't done much alpine, or any snow climbs for that matter. But I think those same thoughts almost everytime my boyfriend and I go off to climb. We're driving on the way to Eldorado Canyon on Saturday mornings and I'm thinking to myself, mostly unconciously,"Man, it's kind of cloudy today, it's kind of cold right now, I'm kind of hungry, man the approach is gonna suck (even though it's not that bad), am I doing this because I want to or is it because Danny loves it, how come we don't climb more moderate stuff for me to lead................" And I'm just cranky in the morning anyway, get to the crag, have an attitude problem, hem and haw about how it's cold - finally start the approach and almost always everything changes for me and I get on the climb and I remember why I go through the pain of getting to the climb and my frown turns to smiles (unless I'm having a shitty climbing day). Sometimes I'm on a route and I'm cleaning and I can't get a nut out and I start bitching (quite audibly) how I hate fricken cleaning because you're always getting the damn nuts stuck, how climbing sucks, and then the next thing you know I'm on the belay ledge and I'm smiling and laughing and chatting about this move or that move.
Basically, I think most of us do have these thoughts, I think it just depends on how we react to difficult situations. I often have a hard time starting something mainly because I'm afraid of failure, and I like to think of myself as tough, but when I start getting mentally or physically fatigued I start to get mad at myself for not being able to keep up with "the guys" and I start to wonder if I shouldn't be sitting on the couch or shopping with the girls, "being a girl" hahaha..... I think I tend to have negative thoughts at the beginning of the day too because a small part of me is always scared about what might happen on this climbing day................
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sspssp
Apr 21, 2006, 6:34 PM
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I have two responses.
The first, to paraphrase a previous climber:
There are things that are fun to do and there are things that are fun to have done.
Drinking beer around the campfire is fun to do. Climbing Everest is fun to have done.
And a related one: when I'm old and shriveled on my death bed (if I make it that long), I really don't think I'm going to look back on my life and say, "damn, I wish I hadn't pushed myself on all those burley (for me) climbs. I wish instead I had spent more time on a couch drinking beer."
I could be wrong, but I just don't see it.
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stonefoxgirl
Apr 21, 2006, 7:18 PM
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I never wondered that but I am having a really hard time with,
"Why did I quit"? It's so hard to get going again, physically. Mentally, I am there. Just enjoy it, don't question it. In your soul you know why you do it.
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srwings
Apr 21, 2006, 9:48 PM
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Great topic. Thanks for sharing. I think I know how you feel. Many times I feel like "why the hell am I doing this?" before I embark on my adventure du jour. I recently came back from a trip to Panama. Several of the things I did down there involved a fair amount of physical discomfort and unknown outcomes. When I'm packing my gear at 3 a.m. is when the self-doubt comes. But I know, for me, once I get going the doubts start to fade. It helps knowing at the end of my journey that there will be lots of cool pictures and memories to share with my partner.
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builttospill
Apr 21, 2006, 11:20 PM
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In reply to: I never wondered that but I am having a really hard time with, "Why did I quit"? It's so hard to get going again, physically. Mentally, I am there. Just enjoy it, don't question it. In your soul you know why you do it.
I think this is an important point.....because I quit running occasionally for a week or two at a time and remember hating myself for the fitness I had lost....I won't quit this just yet. I'm supposed to meet someone for a moderate climb tomorrow morning, and I may or may not still do that. I'll keep training though, because I know the fire will come back....I just may lay off the actual routes for a couple of weeks while I get through finals and do some other things. I know I'll regret the weekends I missed, but if I just don't feel like it....
sspssp:
I know you're right, because I generally agree. I look at some members of my family with pity almost sometimes, because I wonder whether they are wasting their lives. It's not really for me to judge, so I try not to, but sometimes I can't help myself.
I guess the question in my mind yesterday became: is fear of regrets on my death bed (which has always been the fear that caused me the most anxiety...about all major life decisions as well as "wasting my life") worth doing something I wasn't enjoying at all in that given moment? Most of the time I think it is, and most of the time I enjoy alpine climbing and all its suffering but yesterday I just wasn't into it. Would I be happier if I hadn't done it? Probably not, because I'd fear regret later in life, but that's the internal debate I was having I guess. I hope taht makes some sense.
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scotty1974
May 31, 2006, 2:41 AM
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I'm glad I read this post...I'm a beginner climber, but I find myself in the same situations compelling me in the mountains. Like driving 8 hrs up to maine by myself to climb Mt katahdin via the knife edge ridge. A steep slog up what I quickly realized was a vertical boulder field. These rocks were screaming from the gravity...then onto a knife edge ridge (really..hand over hand) in the blazing sun..All the while I'm doubting myself, asking what the hell am I doing here? But then on the other side of the ridge boom!! I'm like well maybe I could do that again, and later at the base I'm making plans to come back. I've been trying to figure out for a long time why I do these things, when sometimes they don't seem to make me happy and actually make me feel selfish for having thousands of dollars of gear in my closet. The best things I found were that it purges me. All my doubts and self loathing come up during the climb and then slowly start to be cleared away. And then on the decent it's like I feel like I'm being filled with all the good things and thought that I want in my life. The second part is that moment, even if its only for 10 minutes, when I hit my stride and am in the zone, or pull off a cool move, or see an amazing sunrise. It's those few moments that make me come back and put myself through the tough times..Great posts!!!!
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