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climbingpride
Aug 30, 2002, 9:47 PM
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I'm with pushtheextreme. LOL
Some of these things are so funny only because they are so true.
pride
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pinnaclechick
Aug 30, 2002, 9:54 PM
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CP, You are so right!
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spydermonkey
Aug 31, 2002, 4:24 AM
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I love you all!!!
I have to go to the hospital now to have them stich up my spleen b/c I've been laughing so hard.
spyder
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climberchic
Sep 4, 2002, 11:28 PM
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pinnaclechick~girl, you rock! Too funny!
Here's another one i got today. Cheesy, but hey....
FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
[ This Message was edited by: climberchic on 2002-09-04 16:29 ]
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climbingpride
Sep 4, 2002, 11:47 PM
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LOL!!!
That has to be some of the best stuff yet climberchic! Ouch! Thats great! LOL!
Few.... breath.... LOL!
Man that was great stuff.
Pride
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pinnaclechick
Sep 4, 2002, 11:51 PM
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Thanks CC, yours is good too..I have many more.. almost put them in, but I actually started to feel a little twinge of guilt! Turned out it was just gas... I'll put in some more tomorrow.
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spydermonkey
Sep 5, 2002, 12:18 AM
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I can't wait to have a good laugh.
spyder
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rock_diva
Sep 5, 2002, 6:20 AM
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Posts: 320
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Men are like... parking spaces. All the good ones are taken; the only ones available are either handicapped or WAY OUT THERE!
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spank_spank
Sep 5, 2002, 12:42 PM
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I love women. But I love rock climbing women even more.
[ This Message was edited by: spank_spank on 2002-09-05 05:44 ]
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climbinganne
Sep 5, 2002, 2:43 PM
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i love you, too spank_spank...
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spank_spank
Sep 5, 2002, 3:12 PM
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I can feel the love. East Coast, West Coast, its all love.
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calamity_chk
Sep 5, 2002, 3:23 PM
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Nah .. men are like toilets. They're either full of sh*t or engaged ..
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calamity_chk
Sep 5, 2002, 3:28 PM
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A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "B*TCH!!" They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen!
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calamity_chk
Sep 5, 2002, 3:34 PM
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Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*********************
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
*********************
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
*********************
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
*********************
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
*********************
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
*********************
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
*********************
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
*********************
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
*********************
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
*********************
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
*********************
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.
*********************
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
*********************
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
*********************
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
*********************
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
*********************
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
*********************
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.
*********************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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calamity_chk
Sep 5, 2002, 3:39 PM
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ok, ok .. one more then i'll stop
*********************************
Girl Poem
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any,
shopping spree
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
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bcmtngrrrl
Sep 5, 2002, 3:45 PM
Post #41 of 115
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Registered: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 309
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What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't get drunk and act like men.
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cass
Sep 5, 2002, 4:18 PM
Post #42 of 115
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Registered: May 5, 2001
Posts: 1956
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''Woman Language''
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing"
SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow
GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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pinnaclechick
Sep 5, 2002, 4:37 PM
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Posts: 1890
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said: 'Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages
in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.
So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exlaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries
have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful.
That's what I wish for .... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said: "Let me see that map again."
>
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pinnaclechick
Sep 5, 2002, 4:52 PM
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Posts: 1890
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>A young couple were in their honeymoon suite
>on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed hispants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the sizeof her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband."I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,"Try these on." He tried them on and found he couldonly get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it'sgoing to be until your damn attitude changes!"
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calamity_chk
Sep 5, 2002, 4:57 PM
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HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Good one!
LoL!!
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pinnaclechick
Sep 5, 2002, 4:57 PM
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Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties:
Generally soft and round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Melts when treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties:
Very active.
Highly unstable.
Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage:
Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most
powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution:
Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
------------------------------------------------------------
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties:
Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to maintain structure as easily as
young samples.
Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:
None known.
Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to generate large quantities on command. (Especially,
after exposure to legumes.)
Caution:
In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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spydermonkey
Sep 5, 2002, 7:19 PM
Post #47 of 115
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Registered: Jul 21, 2002
Posts: 1151
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It hurts!!!! Your just to funny.
spyder
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climberchic
Sep 6, 2002, 3:35 AM
Post #48 of 115
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Registered: Apr 24, 2000
Posts: 2077
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Niiiiiice...Amber~awesome! pinnaclechick Where do you find this stuff??
Girls rule.
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hangerlessbolt
Sep 6, 2002, 3:51 AM
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Registered: Dec 2, 2001
Posts: 7255
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The Man Song
(Ok, ladies and gents...listen closely to the words...)
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scradje
Sep 6, 2002, 3:59 AM
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Registered: Oct 1, 2001
Posts: 179
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OUCH!
I am wounded mortally!
You women are just tooo smart for us poor men folk. You see I can't say anything mean back, otherwise I get in trouble! But hey this is all in good fun. Which is why i would like to place a personals ad. Young, (moderately) intelligent, sunny (sometimes) personality man. Age - almost 17 (5 more days!) which i dont have to lie about. Weight - 65kgs (which i dont have to lie about either).
SO any young climbing girls out there?
Scrad
NB - above was a joke.
i swear
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