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eminem
Jan 22, 2007, 5:14 PM
Post #1 of 21
(1951 views)
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Registered: Feb 26, 2003
Posts: 15
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I need money to climb. I have to pay for climbing gear, pay for food, and pay for drugs. These days I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention. There are two options to survive. One would be brutal and the other reasonable. I could live in Sub-Saharan squalor and grovel or I could become a normal member of society. The former was the obvious choice as the latter would require morally degrading activity: namely a job. "Work" is a four letter word; it's blasphemy. So, I became a dirt bag rock climber.
In my desperation to avoid responsibility and still climb, I started attending college. School is about meeting a slinky, generous, extremely rich girl, and then marrying her mom. I'm majoring in geology so I can become a gold digger.
Until my wealthy woman comes, I'm penniless and homeless. Rent in California is offensively high. The prospect of spending six hundred dollars a month for a hovel that makes a cardboard box look like the Bellagio is less than enticing. If I'm going to live in the dirt I'll do it literally. I went to an outdoor store and got a three-man pup tent. They scammed me though; it didn't include three men or a pup. Still I needed a place to stay until my next climbing trip so I set the tent up in the woods.
Earlier this spring Santa Cruz had a record forty-three days of straight rain. In the first week it rained twice: three days the first time and four the second. The path to my abode was flooded and I had to do a 500 meter breast stroke to get there. The rain kept coming. I knew I was in trouble when the fish started drowning.
Finding shelter became a priority but I was lost. My options seemed limited. After forty days of rain Idid what any reasonable man would do. I decided to build an ark. Soon animals were congregating around my tent. I found a lizard the size of a Komodo dragon in my haul bag one night and then the next morning woke to the tickle of a tick on my testicles. The next invader would see no mercy and when I found a worm in my sleeping bag I buried the bastard alive.
The rain eventually slowed but there were obscene amounts of damage from the water. Moss was on my clock, mold grew through my clothes, and my cams grew fungus. My junk had more funk than George Clinton. Everything I owned stunk. I had to put a tic-tac in my asshole so my shit wouldn't stink.
The water damage was just the start of my trouble. I usually get laid like tile, I've got more game than Parker Brothers, but it was impossible to bring ladies back to my tent. Women thought I was either Ted Kaczynski or an Ewok, so I was either a hairy beast running around in the woods or a political terrorist. It didn't help that anyone willing to spend the night in a bug infested tent with a filthy rock monkey is way too dirty for me.
Luckily, there are some advantages to being a dirt bag climber. I've moved into a lower tax bracket and get government assistance. I was able to switch from Mickey's to Pabst, from smooth peanut butter to crunchy, and now my jelly is strawberry instead of K.Y. My place is beautiful. My bathroom is the third tree down from my tent and there's nothing better than wiping your ass with a pinecone.
Ultimately, the pain and sacrifice are all worth it. I've finally saved enough money to stay in Camp 4 for an entire weekend.
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cintune
Jan 22, 2007, 5:24 PM
Post #2 of 21
(1921 views)
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
Posts: 1293
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You'll be here all week, right?
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svilnit
Jan 22, 2007, 5:41 PM
Post #3 of 21
(1878 views)
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Registered: Jun 19, 2002
Posts: 582
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We need you to step away from the computer and towards a rock my friend ;)
Great rant though!
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shanz
Jan 22, 2007, 5:57 PM
Post #4 of 21
(1847 views)
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Registered: May 18, 2004
Posts: 702
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MUwahaha
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dingus
Jan 22, 2007, 5:59 PM
Post #5 of 21
(1833 views)
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Registered: Dec 16, 2002
Posts: 17398
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Rosy you're all right
(you wear my ring)
When you hold me tight
(Rosy that's my thing)
When I turn out the lights
(I got to hand it to me...)
Looks like its me and you again tonight
Rosy!
DMT
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mushroomsamba
Jan 22, 2007, 10:17 PM
Post #6 of 21
(1685 views)
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Registered: Apr 24, 2006
Posts: 389
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I needed that.
very appropriate. good work
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br
Jan 22, 2007, 10:48 PM
Post #7 of 21
(1616 views)
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Registered: Oct 18, 2006
Posts: 82
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standing ovation... bravo. I don't feel like such a loser now.
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ozoneclimber
Jan 22, 2007, 11:03 PM
Post #9 of 21
(1577 views)
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Registered: Sep 30, 2005
Posts: 250
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I molested myself yesterday. I tried to resist but I knew I wanted it.
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cracklover
Jan 22, 2007, 11:26 PM
Post #10 of 21
(1517 views)
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Registered: Nov 14, 2002
Posts: 10162
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Busted!!!!
GO
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breaksnclimbs
Jan 23, 2007, 12:42 AM
Post #11 of 21
(1403 views)
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Registered: Dec 9, 2003
Posts: 203
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Ahhh ha ha ha ahhhh.. . . HA HAHA!!!
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tradrenn
Jan 23, 2007, 1:01 AM
Post #12 of 21
(1362 views)
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Registered: Jan 16, 2005
Posts: 2990
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You lazy bastard.
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styleboy
Jan 23, 2007, 1:15 AM
Post #13 of 21
(1337 views)
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Registered: Nov 13, 2006
Posts: 107
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(This post was edited by styleboy on Jan 23, 2007, 1:17 AM)
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brent_e
Jan 23, 2007, 1:18 AM
Post #14 of 21
(1331 views)
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Registered: Dec 15, 2004
Posts: 5111
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^^^^^^^ first poster.....funny.
that vid - i think he kinda sucked.
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styleboy
Jan 23, 2007, 2:06 AM
Post #15 of 21
(1263 views)
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Registered: Nov 13, 2006
Posts: 107
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brent_e wrote: ^^^^^^^ first poster.....funny. that vid - i think he kinda sucked.
I believe it is the same person...
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brent_e
Jan 23, 2007, 4:56 PM
Post #16 of 21
(1076 views)
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Registered: Dec 15, 2004
Posts: 5111
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styleboy wrote: brent_e wrote: ^^^^^^^ first poster.....funny. that vid - i think he kinda sucked. I believe it is the same person...
i'll be damned, you're right.
James,
you got some laughs with the vid from me, but your post was much better.
constructive criticism, relax in front of an audience.
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bizarrodrinker
Jan 23, 2007, 5:05 PM
Post #17 of 21
(1062 views)
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Registered: Dec 20, 2005
Posts: 2316
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What would I call a climber with no girlfriend?
Free to climb at will. aka a lucky bastard
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el_layclimber
Jan 23, 2007, 5:19 PM
Post #18 of 21
(1038 views)
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Registered: Jan 9, 2006
Posts: 550
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I laughed so hard I almost cried, but had to stop and wonder, for all that dirt bagging, what about that other four letter word, how often did you climb?
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ultraloveninja
Jan 23, 2007, 6:39 PM
Post #19 of 21
(959 views)
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Registered: Jul 24, 2006
Posts: 49
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wow.
better on paper than live.
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snoangel
Jan 23, 2007, 10:14 PM
Post #20 of 21
(823 views)
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Registered: Jul 28, 2004
Posts: 1715
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good material, marginal delivery
Work on that & you could do well. 
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eminem
Jan 24, 2007, 3:06 AM
Post #21 of 21
(714 views)
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Registered: Feb 26, 2003
Posts: 15
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It was my first "gig" and the nervousness caused by the audience of 150 college students couldn't be crushed by a 40oz.
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