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SuzieQ383
Dec 19, 2007, 4:38 PM
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I've never posted on here before, but I've read a lot. I'm not really looking for sympathy, but I just really wanted to let this out and I wanted to get your wise opinions.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was my best friend and climbing partner.
I caught him cheating on me with another girl and when I confronted him, he acted as if he was going to kiss ass until we got back together. The next day he never called so I called him and found out that he had spent the day not sure of what to do. Not sure if he wanted to be with me. Needless to say I broke up with him, because I'm not going to wait around for him to decide.
So anyway I am looking for a way to move on and continue climbing with him. I have a lot of other friends that climb with me, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't feel as strongly supported by them when we climb.
If any of you have gone through this or have some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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happiegrrrl
Dec 19, 2007, 5:17 PM
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Often people can remain friends after a breakup, but it's really a good idea to go with a period of separation while you work through all the emotions involved.
If you continue without that break, you don't really have time to process and get a clear idea of what's going on with yourself and the dynamic between the two of you.
I was hanging with a guy for a while who I climbed with too. I got my first lead with him, got introduced to trail work and first ascents, too. We climbed in the back country(or so he said, now I know what back country really is. Sure, we were in places were we didn't see people, but it wasn't really back country). It was tough to break off because I was getting something very powerful out of the deal that kept tipping the weight on the "but he's an awful person" scale.
After I broke uo with him, he wanted to do climbing together still, and I wanted the adventure too, but I just knew it was a bad idea. I told myself, "maybe in a year."
Well - I can tell you it didn't take the year for me to decide "OH MY GOD, I'm so glad I didn't keep climbing with that asshole!"
Your experience may be the opposite, but without at least SOME time apart, I think it's difficult to really see clearly.
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jgloporto
Dec 19, 2007, 5:22 PM
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SuzieQ383 wrote: I've never posted on here before, but I've read a lot. I'm not really looking for sympathy, but I just really wanted to let this out and I wanted to get your wise opinions. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was my best friend and climbing partner. I caught him cheating on me with another girl and when I confronted him, he acted as if he was going to kiss ass until we got back together. The next day he never called so I called him and found out that he had spent the day not sure of what to do. Not sure if he wanted to be with me. Needless to say I broke up with him, because I'm not going to wait around for him to decide. So anyway I am looking for a way to move on and continue climbing with him. I have a lot of other friends that climb with me, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't feel as strongly supported by them when we climb. If any of you have gone through this or have some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Umm... I wouldn't want to be on the sharp end with someone I dumped holding the other end of the line. I am a firm believer in platonic climbing relationships... and in burning my bridges.
Of course, offering to climb with him would give you the chance to cutz teh r0pe... i'm just sayin.
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erisspirit
Dec 19, 2007, 5:46 PM
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I would say for now just keep climbing with your friends, and be open to meeting new people. Right now your breakup is recent, so the memories of how things were are still fresh. Also your former partner was a bf as well as climbing partner. That connection would explain the feeling of being more strongly supported by him than other people. In time you'll meet other climbers that might be as supportive as you want, you'll forget about the cheating BF being a great partner, and find maybe even find a non cheating climber bf 
time really does fix a lot of problems post breakup  Just make sure you don't dwell any ideas that he was the perfect climbing partner or perfect amount of supportive etc...
good luck!
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pbjclimb
Dec 19, 2007, 7:04 PM
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SuzieQ383 wrote: I caught him cheating on me with another girl and when I confronted him, he acted as if he was going to kiss ass until we got back together. The next day he never called so I called him and found out that he had spent the day not sure of what to do. Not sure if he wanted to be with me. Needless to say I broke up with him, because I'm not going to wait around for him to decide. So anyway I am looking for a way to move on and continue climbing with him. I have a lot of other friends that climb with me, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't feel as strongly supported by them when we climb.
I understand where you're coming from. In my experience climbing with an ex can be very tricky because the trust that you've built on is destroyed. Climbing with your friends will be different but in the long run it might be healthier than climbing with someone who cheated on you. In my experience, a little bit of space can go a long way to help make those confused feelings work themselves out. Remember he's your 'ex' bf not your bf. Hope everything works out!
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gogounou
Dec 19, 2007, 7:24 PM
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happiegrrrl wrote: Very rarely, people can remain friends after a breakup
Fixed that for you.
To the OP: I'd start climbing a bit more with some of those other climbing partners, and establish some good, trusting, platonic climbing partnerships. Even if you do manage to have one of those exceptional situations in which a healthy friendship develops post breakup, it's going to take a hell of a long time. I personally wouldn't want that sort of a hiatus (or even a slowing down) from climbing - I find it too therapeutic.
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lhwang
Dec 19, 2007, 8:56 PM
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Agree 100%... a climbing partnership is based on trust. This guy obviously does not deserve your trust, and it sounds like he has trouble making up his mind, both characteristics I tend to avoid in my climbing partners.
I used to climb fairly regularly with my ex-boyfriend, but the circumstances of our break-up were quite different and it was mutual and respectful. Anyway, his fiancee is so jealous that we don't climb together anymore.
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happiegrrrl
Dec 19, 2007, 10:27 PM
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gogounou wrote: happiegrrrl wrote: Very rarely, people can remain friends after a breakup Fixed that for you.
haha - I guess you're right. Especially when one of the partners has cheated.
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themadmilkman
Dec 19, 2007, 10:29 PM
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gogounou wrote: happiegrrrl wrote: Very rarely, people can remain friends after a breakup Fixed that for you.
I'd say that it's more than very rarely, but it takes a lot of time away from each other before it can really happen.
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maww
Dec 19, 2007, 10:39 PM
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themadmilkman wrote: gogounou wrote: happiegrrrl wrote: Very rarely, people can remain friends after a breakup Fixed that for you. I'd say that it's more than very rarely, but it takes a lot of time away from each other before it can really happen.
Yeah I think you can remain friends depending on the break up, the reasons behind it and how it was handled. But I'd venture to say in all cases, you need some time apart to heal and move forward.
Just because you care about someone doesn't mean he has to be your friend.
Take some time to focus on you, building your life without this guy (who is an emotional f***wit in my opinion) and growing on your own.
It's all about you now hunny - go indulge and enjoy.
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aerili
Dec 20, 2007, 12:58 AM
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Are you joking? You had the self respect to walk away from him, so get the self respect to forget about being a friend or climbing partner for him too.
Give it one month and you will suddenly be questioning why you ever wrote this post, girl.
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kantkatchme
Dec 20, 2007, 3:01 AM
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not that i have much to add....
I just broke with my bf in the summer....we really did need to spend time apart, unfortuntly we lived together, so the time apart took a while to happen.
now that i dont see him everyday and i dont have to be his friend i dont want to be. I really wanted to stay friends with him cause he was a neat guy, but in reality there was no friendship. not after we broke up. sometimes things just end...and thats all there is to it.
cheers
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acacongua
Dec 20, 2007, 7:44 PM
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Walk away and consider a friendship later.
What I see is true is here is that despite breaking up, you still have an attachment. Maybe you hope that he'll change as well, but as long as he has the benefit of your attachment, don't count on it. Besides, if you forgive him easily (even if for a friendship), what respect will he find in you to treat you as you want?
And what also is true is that this isn't the kind of breakup that results in an immediate friendship. You'll have way too many feelings (anger, hurt, love, resentment, anger) for it to really be a friendship right now.
Walk away ... although it's so dang hard, you'll thank yourself.
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desertwanderer81
Dec 24, 2007, 5:38 PM
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Meh, I would keep him as a secondary partner if I were you. It's winter now, so come spring, you should have enough time between the two of you. Try to develop other partners and you should be in good shape.
Just because you can't trust him to keep his penis in his pants, doesn't mean you can't trust him on the cliffs.
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jules
Jan 3, 2008, 5:38 PM
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Fuck him.
Well, no, don't fuck him... but you know what I mean.
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stonefoxgirl
Jan 5, 2008, 6:24 PM
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At first I thought well, I don't know their situation, then I read the next part where he cheated on you and I have to say - there is no 'second' chance. Please do whatever it is you need to to seperate from him. You'll cry and be pissed and try to make yourself believe that you should some how be together, he might say the right thing and you might believe him but in the end, there is still his untrustworthiness. The process can be a long one but separate and move on. RC was here for me when I was going through some sh*** and needed to vent, they can be here for you too as well as your friends and family.
You can always PM me ....
Keep your head up-
-L
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