|
granite_grrl
May 16, 2012, 1:01 PM
Post #1 of 94
(17293 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 25, 2002
Posts: 15084
|
So there are so many threads on here about getting preggers, having kids, etc. So this is a little thread for those of us who don't HAVE kids, don't WANT kids and maybe don't even LIKE kids!
I personally have no interest in childern. I feel that I'm too selfish and they don't do that much for me anyway. I like to do what I want and when I want and kids are just going to get in the way of that. Me and my husband will have a nice little nest egg built up in a year or two and the plans are to head on the road for a while. Obviously kids are not part of that plan, and I feel no loss about not having them.
So how does a childless life treat you? Does your family still bug you about it? Do you feel like strangling someone whenever there's a crying child around? Does a thread like this feel a little taboo to you because of what society seems to expect from you?
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 1:45 PM
Post #2 of 94
(17277 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
Funny. I just turned 38 and it recently occurred to me that I have never had the slightest desire to become pregnant (much to my mother's dismay). It's not that I don't like kids.
I always pictured myself adopting an older child and I got exactly what I wanted when I met and married Josh, who already had a daughter. I met Dakotah when she was 5. She is now nearly 16 and at the 'You're not my real mom' stage. But I predicted that day, too, would come. She gives her biological mom hell, too, so I figure that I am in good company and that she will someday come back. I hope.
What bothers me is that people expect you to have your own baby. I explain that I do already have a kid, and am happy with my life. But I think some people feel that you are somehow 'incomplete' if you don't go through the whole pregnancy thing.
Sometimes I feel that people think you are missing out on something. But I look at all that I have in life and am so happy. I am really thrilled with my life and would not change a thing.
|
|
|
|
|
Kerry_NC
May 16, 2012, 2:46 PM
Post #3 of 94
(17262 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 23, 2012
Posts: 15
|
Hmm..so I'm in both camps..
I do have a son, age 7...that I have shared custody of..why? because I am too selfish to be a f/t mom...possibly. I love my son, but I need me time and in hindsight was greatly pressured into having a child by both my family and my ex-spouse (note the ex). I personally never really felt like I wanted to have a child.
I hate the sound of a crying child. Have never been comfortable around children, my son is the only exception. After my ex and I went our separate ways and I was looking again..my one major qualification in a future SO...no children, no desire to have children.
Call my selfish..works for me. I like traveling, climbing, spontaneous trips.
Trust me you will never catching me posting about babies...PROMISE!
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 2:58 PM
Post #4 of 94
(17254 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting to have children.
(This post was edited by wonderwoman on May 16, 2012, 3:07 PM)
|
|
|
|
|
SylviaSmile
May 16, 2012, 3:00 PM
Post #5 of 94
(17249 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 3, 2011
Posts: 983
|
wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children.
I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations.
|
|
|
|
|
karmiclimber
May 16, 2012, 3:04 PM
Post #6 of 94
(17242 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 11, 2004
Posts: 1058
|
granite_grrl wrote: So there are so many threads on here about getting preggers, having kids, etc. So this is a little thread for those of us who don't HAVE kids, don't WANT kids and maybe don't even LIKE kids! I personally have no interest in childern. I feel that I'm too selfish and they don't do that much for me anyway. I like to do what I want and when I want and kids are just going to get in the way of that. Me and my husband will have a nice little nest egg built up in a year or two and the plans are to head on the road for a while. Obviously kids are not part of that plan, and I feel no loss about not having them. So how does a childless life treat you? Does your family still bug you about it? Do you feel like strangling someone whenever there's a crying child around? Does a thread like this feel a little taboo to you because of what society seems to expect from you?
No judgement here. In fact, I think its always better to realize you don't like/want kids and go with it, than to squeeze yourself into some box because of societal pressure. So, good for you...I think the world would be a much better place if more people thought like you do.
But I will say that I love love love my daughter and being a Mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is not for everyone though!
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 3:06 PM
Post #7 of 94
(17241 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
SylviaSmile wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children. I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations.
In a fight between couples? Sure. But society-wise? Probably not.
However, I do believe partners should be in sync with long-term family planning before settling down. That makes sense.
|
|
|
|
|
karmiclimber
May 16, 2012, 3:10 PM
Post #8 of 94
(17232 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 11, 2004
Posts: 1058
|
SylviaSmile wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children. I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations.
Uh, that should be what dating is all about...if one doesn't want kids, and the other does, then its probably not going to work out. Sometimes people get married and then one realizes, oh they really want kids all of the sudden (Or what I see sort of often is one doesn't want kids and the other PRETENDS to not want kids also...sad sad sad). It probably won't work out either. But sticking around and yelling "selfish!" randomly isn't going to make it work or make it better. Its so important to find someone who has the same views and wants WELL before marriage or big commitment.
|
|
|
|
|
SylviaSmile
May 16, 2012, 3:17 PM
Post #9 of 94
(17214 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 3, 2011
Posts: 983
|
karmiclimber wrote: SylviaSmile wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children. I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations. Uh, that should be what dating is all about...if one doesn't want kids, and the other does, then its probably not going to work out. Sometimes people get married and then one realizes, oh they really want kids all of the sudden (Or what I see sort of often is one doesn't want kids and the other PRETENDS to not want kids also...sad sad sad). It probably won't work out either. But sticking around and yelling "selfish!" randomly isn't going to make it work or make it better. Its so important to find someone who has the same views and wants WELL before marriage or big commitment.
Yeah, I agree. It's a maturity thing . . . it's harder if you get married young, before you are even sure what path you want your life to take. But there is something natural about wanting kids. Getting married might awaken some people to that natural urge, whereas before they (like me) were content to have lots of fun without babies on the scene. I'm not married and don't want kids right now, but I'm okay with saying that it seems like the rule to want kids at some point in your life and the exception not to want them ever. I think that's part of the gist of the OP is getting at--you feel a bit of pressure to conform to the norm of most people. 
|
|
|
|
|
Kerry_NC
May 16, 2012, 3:18 PM
Post #10 of 94
(17211 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 23, 2012
Posts: 15
|
That's what happened to me..my ex and I dated for 5 yrs, the entire time he said "no kids" which was perfect for me. 6 yrs into the marriage...the I want kids now started. There is no history of divorce in either of our families..so to 'conform and save the marriage', hindsight wrong decision. After we had our son, the pressure to have more was intense..I had to get out.
Best decision of my life. I am happy, my son is happy, my ex has a family with 5 kids now, and I have a great bf who shares my appetite for adventure and travel...and who brought me into climbing. :-)
|
|
|
|
|
granite_grrl
May 16, 2012, 3:24 PM
Post #11 of 94
(17203 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 25, 2002
Posts: 15084
|
wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting to have children.
I did use the term selfish, but I don't think it's as negative as it's being made out to be here. It just means that I want to put myself and my husband first instead of having a child that I will also have to be concerned about.
I do think that if you do have a child they should be your main priority, which is another reason I don't want a child. In my mind good parents are the ones that put their childern first and I'm just don't want to have to do this.
|
|
|
|
|
karmiclimber
May 16, 2012, 3:25 PM
Post #12 of 94
(17203 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 11, 2004
Posts: 1058
|
SylviaSmile wrote: karmiclimber wrote: SylviaSmile wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children. I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations. Uh, that should be what dating is all about...if one doesn't want kids, and the other does, then its probably not going to work out. Sometimes people get married and then one realizes, oh they really want kids all of the sudden (Or what I see sort of often is one doesn't want kids and the other PRETENDS to not want kids also...sad sad sad). It probably won't work out either. But sticking around and yelling "selfish!" randomly isn't going to make it work or make it better. Its so important to find someone who has the same views and wants WELL before marriage or big commitment. Yeah, I agree. It's a maturity thing . . . it's harder if you get married young, before you are even sure what path you want your life to take. But there is something natural about wanting kids. Getting married might awaken some people to that natural urge, whereas before they (like me) were content to have lots of fun without babies on the scene. I'm not married and don't want kids right now, but I'm okay with saying that it seems like the rule to want kids at some point in your life and the exception not to want them ever. I think that's part of the gist of the OP is getting at--you feel a bit of pressure to conform to the norm of most people.
I am pregnant and have lack of filter when I am pregnant, so if this comes off as rough, I am sorry...
That is why I don't think people should get married til they are older.
That said...I've made my own mistakes in life. But after you grow up and realize what you want, you cannot remain chained to someone who doesn't want what you want. Its not fair to either party.
As far as wanting kids being a natural thing...I disagree. In my mind, there is far more to sway you off of wanting kids than to want them. They are expensive, the biggest responsibility you will ever EVER have, and it doesn't ever go away...to many people take it too lightly, IMO. "Oh, I'll make a mini me and we can go shopping together and drink frappochinos." Its not like that. Anyway...my 2 cents.
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 3:28 PM
Post #13 of 94
(17197 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
granite_grrl wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting to have children. I did use the term selfish, but I don't think it's as negative as it's being made out to be here. It just means that I want to put myself and my husband first instead of having a child that I will also have to be concerned about. I do think that if you do have a child they should be your main priority, which is another reason I don't want a child. In my mind good parents are the ones that put their childern first and I'm just don't want to have to do this.
Okay. You can be selfish. However, I am not selfish. I just don't want babies. 
|
|
|
|
|
macherry
May 16, 2012, 3:30 PM
Post #14 of 94
(17192 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 10, 2003
Posts: 15848
|
i have two kids. i love them dearly, but for the most part, i dont like kids or tolerate other people's kids.
my husband could have gone either way on the kid decision, but we did make the decision together about reproducing.
now that my kids are in their 20's, they both have told us that they have no interest in having kids. they will get no pressure from me for grand kids. i totally get their decision.
|
|
|
|
|
SylviaSmile
May 16, 2012, 3:33 PM
Post #15 of 94
(17188 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 3, 2011
Posts: 983
|
karmiclimber wrote: SylviaSmile wrote: karmiclimber wrote: SylviaSmile wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting toh have children. I don't know if that's actually true. I've heard of marriages where the wife wanted children but the husband didn't, and yeah, the word "selfish" was flung around a bit for those situations. Uh, that should be what dating is all about...if one doesn't want kids, and the other does, then its probably not going to work out. Sometimes people get married and then one realizes, oh they really want kids all of the sudden (Or what I see sort of often is one doesn't want kids and the other PRETENDS to not want kids also...sad sad sad). It probably won't work out either. But sticking around and yelling "selfish!" randomly isn't going to make it work or make it better. Its so important to find someone who has the same views and wants WELL before marriage or big commitment. Yeah, I agree. It's a maturity thing . . . it's harder if you get married young, before you are even sure what path you want your life to take. But there is something natural about wanting kids. Getting married might awaken some people to that natural urge, whereas before they (like me) were content to have lots of fun without babies on the scene. I'm not married and don't want kids right now, but I'm okay with saying that it seems like the rule to want kids at some point in your life and the exception not to want them ever. I think that's part of the gist of the OP is getting at--you feel a bit of pressure to conform to the norm of most people. I am pregnant and have lack of filter when I am pregnant, so if this comes off as rough, I am sorry... That is why I don't think people should get married til they are older. That said...I've made my own mistakes in life. But after you grow up and realize what you want, you cannot remain chained to someone who doesn't want what you want. Its not fair to either party. As far as wanting kids being a natural thing...I disagree. In my mind, there is far more to sway you off of wanting kids than to want them. They are expensive, the biggest responsibility you will ever EVER have, and it doesn't ever go away...to many people take it too lightly, IMO. "Oh, I'll make a mini me and we can go shopping together and drink frappochinos." Its not like that. Anyway...my 2 cents.
Yeah, I hear ya. I'm not saying it makes logical SENSE to want kids, and that the more you think about it the more you'd want them . . . to the contrary. But I've seen friend after friend succumb to marriage+kids, a lot of people even on here seem to have kids, and the human race appears to continue on even as technology to hinder reproduction is increasingly available. As far as the mini-me with frappocinos thing--I think it's like with marriage, in that people still get married even after you see so many marriages fail. There's still hope that it can be a more ideal situation in your own case. I agree with you that it should not be taken lightly. On the other side of the equation, though, I do love to go home and drink coffee with my mom. 
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 3:35 PM
Post #16 of 94
(17184 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
macherry wrote: they will get no pressure from me for grand kids. i totally get their decision.
To this day, my mother still requests that I get myself impregnated. Thank god for moms like you!
|
|
|
|
|
granite_grrl
May 16, 2012, 3:43 PM
Post #17 of 94
(17171 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 25, 2002
Posts: 15084
|
wonderwoman wrote: macherry wrote: they will get no pressure from me for grand kids. i totally get their decision. To this day, my mother still requests that I get myself impregnated. Thank god for moms like you!
My mom is pretty cool with my and the hubby, she seems to have accepted our decsion and has never pressured us.....my aunts on the other hand.....
|
|
|
|
|
granite_grrl
May 16, 2012, 3:51 PM
Post #18 of 94
(17163 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 25, 2002
Posts: 15084
|
wonderwoman wrote: granite_grrl wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting to have children. I did use the term selfish, but I don't think it's as negative as it's being made out to be here. It just means that I want to put myself and my husband first instead of having a child that I will also have to be concerned about. I do think that if you do have a child they should be your main priority, which is another reason I don't want a child. In my mind good parents are the ones that put their childern first and I'm just don't want to have to do this. Okay. You can be selfish. However, I am not selfish. I just don't want babies.
No, but you do take care of your husband's kid, who I assume you treat like your own daughter? You might not want babies, but you do have a kid to take care of.
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 3:57 PM
Post #19 of 94
(17160 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
granite_grrl wrote: wonderwoman wrote: granite_grrl wrote: wonderwoman wrote: We are not selfish when we don't want to have children. We just don't want children. You would never hear a man being accused of being selfish for not wanting to have children. I did use the term selfish, but I don't think it's as negative as it's being made out to be here. It just means that I want to put myself and my husband first instead of having a child that I will also have to be concerned about. I do think that if you do have a child they should be your main priority, which is another reason I don't want a child. In my mind good parents are the ones that put their childern first and I'm just don't want to have to do this. Okay. You can be selfish. However, I am not selfish. I just don't want babies. No, but you do take care of your husband's kid, who I assume you treat like your own daughter? You might not want babies, but you do have a kid to take care of.
Yes, she is my daughter. But no, I never wanted a 'baby'. I wanted a kid. And I wanted somebody else's uterus to do the work.
Still, my family members (and other people who feel like it's somehow their business to say so) seem to think that is not good enough. This perplexes me.
|
|
|
|
|
lena_chita
Moderator
May 16, 2012, 3:58 PM
Post #20 of 94
(17157 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2006
Posts: 6087
|
granite_grrl wrote: So there are so many threads on here about getting preggers, having kids, etc. So this is a little thread for those of us who don't HAVE kids, don't WANT kids and maybe don't even LIKE kids! I personally have no interest in childern. I feel that I'm too selfish and they don't do that much for me anyway. I like to do what I want and when I want and kids are just going to get in the way of that. Me and my husband will have a nice little nest egg built up in a year or two and the plans are to head on the road for a while. Obviously kids are not part of that plan, and I feel no loss about not having them. So how does a childless life treat you? Does your family still bug you about it? Do you feel like strangling someone whenever there's a crying child around? Does a thread like this feel a little taboo to you because of what society seems to expect from you?
The societal/family pressure to procreate is HUGE.
I honestly don't remember the time in my life when I didn't want kids. From the time I was a little girl, I knew that I would have a baby or two. But then again, I also knew that i would go to college, get married. etc. etc.
In retrospect, ALL of this was pretty much cultural conditioning, growing up in a place where this was pretty much the only way. The only people who didn't have kids were the ones who couldn't have kids, and that was very, very sad, and they were the ones who had to make do with adoption, but the assumption was that of course they still wanted kids, regardless of whether they could make them biologically, or not.
It is hard for me to say, in retrospect, whether I would have felt the same about having kids if I had grown up in America. Sometimes I think that if I had discovered climbing earlier in my life, I might have opted not to have kids. It's a moot point now, because I have them, I love them, and I can't imagine not having them. I fought hard to have them living with me during divorce, and I got what i wanted and what I believe is the best for them. They are wonderful kids.
But in the past two years a lot of my friends have been having babies. And it REALLY drove home the fact that I absolutely don't want any babies anymore. No, thank you!
I love to hold those babies for a few minutes, I think they are adorable, and then I am very much relieved to pass the squealing package back to the parent who has to deal with poop, pee, drool, spit-up, and all the other normal bodily functions, and who has to wake up at night, and juggle that baby on one arm while attempting to eat, have adult conversation, or read a book.
Don't get me started on toddlers. Babies I love. other people's toddlers & tantruming pre-schoolers I can barely tolerate. I really think it is the worst age. Old enough to be mobile, vocal and demanding, not old enough to negotiate, compromise or be considerate to others.
Every time I see one, I thank the Universe for my now-older, smart, mature and delightful kids. I really enjoy having older kids. And I am really looking forward to them getting even older.
|
|
|
|
|
wonderwoman
May 16, 2012, 7:49 PM
Post #21 of 94
(17107 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2002
Posts: 4275
|
I had almost forgotten (purposely?) a statement from my mother:
"I hope you that you get pregnant so that you stop climbing."
|
|
|
|
|
granite_grrl
May 17, 2012, 12:17 AM
Post #22 of 94
(17082 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 25, 2002
Posts: 15084
|
wonderwoman wrote: I had almost forgotten (purposely?) a statement from my mother: "I hope you that you get pregnant so that you stop climbing."
BwaHAHAHA!
|
|
|
|
|
clee03m
May 17, 2012, 3:03 AM
Post #23 of 94
(17066 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 29, 2004
Posts: 785
|
Really? You haven't heard people say, "When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?" And when they say settle down, they mean with kids.
I find professionally the pressure is opposite. Since men don't have to take an extended paternity leave, they can have as many kids as they want, but god forbid a woman has too many kids....
|
|
|
|
|
lena_chita
Moderator
May 17, 2012, 3:34 PM
Post #24 of 94
(17013 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2006
Posts: 6087
|
wonderwoman wrote: I had almost forgotten (purposely?) a statement from my mother: "I hope you that you get pregnant so that you stop climbing."
LOL, the statement from my parents usually goes along the lines of: Come on, you HAVE kids, you are a mother, when are you going to start acting mature and stop all that climbing nonsense?
|
|
|
|
|
macherry
May 17, 2012, 6:25 PM
Post #25 of 94
(16989 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 10, 2003
Posts: 15848
|
lena_chita wrote: wonderwoman wrote: I had almost forgotten (purposely?) a statement from my mother: "I hope you that you get pregnant so that you stop climbing." LOL, the statement from my parents usually goes along the lines of: Come on, you HAVE kids, you are a mother, when are you going to start acting mature and stop all that climbing nonsense?
oh gawd, even in my 40's i got that line from my mom!!
my favorite line though, is from one of my main climbing partners. mike once said to me, "i like climbing with you. you take no crazy risks, and i know you always want to come home in one piece........you're a mom!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
1
