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jefffski
May 30, 2012, 12:55 AM
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I am a man in a healthy, loving relationship with a woman. She climbs a little, but not well and likes, but does not love it. She is unlikely to become a partner for me, but i do like taking her out on easier climbs.
We have a host of other activities that we do together, winter and summer, and enjoy each other's company very much.
I am always looking out for new partners to climb with and recently climbed with another woman. She is single, fit, attractive and although she does not lead, is a good follower. I am not interested in any kind of intimate relationship with her, but do enjoy climbing with her. I do not see her as becoming my regular partner because she does not lead, but do want to climb with her again.
Climbing with her has reinforced my strength of feelings for my current GF.
I have communicated all this to my GF, but she feels intimidated and worried (nor sure that jealous is the right word) about me climbing with this female climber. She would prefer that I do not climb with this female climber anymore. Although she is not adamant, she is expressing some emotion about it.
I would like to hear from female climbers here for their perspectives.
Thanks.
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smallclimber
May 30, 2012, 12:50 PM
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You can climb with her, and in many cases there are similar climber partnerships which work out just fine and as you say you have no intention of going off with her. But......the point is you could go off with her and every so often this does happen. Not necessarily with climbing partners, but work, tennis, golf partners etc. There may be absolutely no intent at the start but over time it sometimes happens. I am absolutely sure it won't happen with you, but nothing is,impossible. You have noted that she is fit and attractive.
How about the three of you climb together a few times? Then your wife would quickly see from the dynamics between you and the other woman that's there is nothing. Also other woman sees your beautiful wife and knows how happy you are together and that you have a strong trusting relationship. Having met the other woman your wife might be happier and the other woman will have met her which would reinforce that you are off limits!
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granite_grrl
May 30, 2012, 1:37 PM
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Sounds like your GF is being pretty reasonable, telling you how she feels instead of going into a rage of jealousy. I would definitly continue this communication with her.
She's probably having a bit of a hard time sorting out her feelings, but it would be worth letting your gf know that you do enjoy climbing with this other woman, would like to continue, but if there's anything you can do to make her feel better about it.
If you think your GF and climbing partner will get along it would be worthwhile getting out with both of them. In fact, you might find your GF enjoys getting out climbing more when there's another female around. Keep in mind this could work the other way too, that your GF starts feeling insecure because your female partner preforms so much better than she does. If you think this might be the case maybe a more neutral arena? Just meeting for coffee of something?
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SylviaSmile
May 30, 2012, 2:21 PM
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Some good advice here already. My thoughts are that you have to be open to the possibility that her feelings may not change on this point and to ask yourself whether you are willing to honor her feelings or if this is going to be a deal-breaking scenario for your relationship. In other words, if even after a bit of reflection and time, she still feels the same emotions about your climbing with this fit and attractive woman climber, are you ready to look for other, non-female (or maybe just non-attractive-female) climbing partners?
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david_g48
May 30, 2012, 2:33 PM
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Priorities and trade offs, life is filled with them. The fact that your GF seems uneasy may be just the tip of the iceberg as to how she feels about an attractive female climber spending time with her BF. The decision is yours to make but if it were me I would move forward with caution. Maybe you should discuss it with her more. A dilemma but lots of attractive options seem to be available to you.
Best of luck!
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lena_chita
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May 30, 2012, 3:27 PM
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It is great that you and your GF can talk about it, and that she is feelling comfortable expressing her feelings of misgivings while at the same time not doing anything extreme such as flying into a fit of jealousy or forbidding it outright.
I do know quite a few women who are much more adamant about it. One particular person would not allow her husband so much as carpooling with another climber to a climbing destination, with no intent of even climbing with that climber. and this is a blanket rule regardless of which female climber is involved. This particular guy would go on a trip with me if my BF is also coming along (my BF has been his primary climbing partner of 13+ years), but would not go on a climbing trip with me alone. Extreme? Yes, I think so. Ridiculous? Yep. But hey, they have been married for a long time, and it works for them. The guy doesn't seem to chafe at this restriction, nor does he lack male climbing partners that are on the approved list.
My personal feeling is on the opposite side of this spectrum. If the only way I can keep my significant other truthful and faithful is by keeping him strictly away from all possible opportunities for cheating, then this partner is not worth keeping in the first place. And I feel this way even after discovering that my ex was a lying cheating jerk in precisely this sort of scenario.
But many women fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, e.i. they feel that, while they trust their partner, they still prefer to keep their partner away from tempting opportunities.
So, back to your situation. I don't think you should never climb with this particular female. But you should respect your GF's feeling and not go out of your way to seek out this female partner. I agree with what others suggested, maybe inviting this woman when your GF is also climbing, and including another climber or two, so your GF would meet this other lady in a non-stressful not-threatening scenario. Maybe your GF will feel more comfortable with this other lady as a result. Or maybe not.
But the bottom line is, if your GF's feelings are important for you, and this other female is truly nothing more than a random fun person to hang out with (are you completely truthful with yourself there?), then it won't be such a big deal to keep your GF happy.
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notapplicable
May 30, 2012, 11:33 PM
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lena_chita wrote: My personal feeling is on the opposite side of this spectrum. If the only way I can keep my significant other truthful and faithful is by keeping him strictly away from all possible opportunities for cheating, then this partner is not worth keeping in the first place.
^Truth^
And on a personal note - Three of my regular climbing partners are women. All three are in relationships with other people. I climb with them frequently, including overnight trips. People are either adults and can moderate their emotions and behavior or they are not. I personally choose not to spend time with the latter.
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Gmburns2000
May 30, 2012, 11:40 PM
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notapplicable wrote: lena_chita wrote: My personal feeling is on the opposite side of this spectrum. If the only way I can keep my significant other truthful and faithful is by keeping him strictly away from all possible opportunities for cheating, then this partner is not worth keeping in the first place. ^Truth^ And on a personal note - Three of my regular climbing partners are women. All three are in relationships with other people. I climb with them frequently, including overnight trips. People are either adults and can moderate their emotions and behavior or they are not. I personally choose not to spend time with the latter.
I've spent many a night in the same tent with a married woman and have never had a problem. Of course, it helps that I'm good friends with both of them, but I'm not the only one of my friends who has had this experience.
What Lena said. What's that old expression? If you love something, set it free...?
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jefffski
May 31, 2012, 4:07 PM
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Thank you for all the terrific advice and ideas. All are valid. I'll let you know how it turns out and what we decide.
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chadnsc
May 31, 2012, 5:59 PM
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Simple answer:
It depends on you, your girlfriend and the woman you're climbing with. If you need further explanation of the why's of this then NO you can't climb with a woman who's not your girlfriend.
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clee03m
Jun 1, 2012, 7:05 PM
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Why this much thought into a partner who doesn't even lead? Is it worth it? You said she would not be a regular climbing partner for you. I have delt with my husband not feeling comfortable with certain partners especially in the beginning of my climbing years, and I would not have fought for a weak partner like her. I have also dealt with jealous SO's of climbing partners, and if we were not all that compatible as partners and the guy was pushing hard to climb with me, I would kind of wonder if there were ulterior motives.
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guangzhou
Jun 2, 2012, 5:16 AM
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Your GF and you need to solve this issue on your own.
How much do you trust each other?
How well do you communicate?
Where is your relationship going?
How long have you been together? Climbing?
Every relationship is different. Personally, I don't do well with people telling me what I can and can't do.
With that said, if my wife were uncomfortable with climbing partner choice, male or female, I would ask for specifics and go from there. Lucky for me, my wife is my number 1 climbing partner and she knows that I climb with everyone and anyone who is safe. (If you can belay safely, I'll climb with you regardless of everything else.)
On a side note, she's your GF, better decide how much more she'll want to dictate term to you as the relationship develops. All relationships require compromises.
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wonderwoman
Jun 2, 2012, 2:21 PM
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guangzhou wrote: On a side note, she's your GF, better decide how much more she'll want to dictate term to you as the relationship develops. All relationships require compromises.
In addition, would wonder if her problem is with ALL women or this particular woman. If it's all women, you will run into this problem again & it may extend out to other activities in your life. If it is solely this woman that your partner has a problem with, ask yourself & your GF why. Be honest with yourself.
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josephfazioli
Jun 4, 2012, 6:14 PM
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OH MY GOD! NO! Absolutely not! That's practically cheating already! There is no way that you would be able to control your urges and, obviously, she wouldn't be in control either. Men and women can't be friends! It's all sex, all the time. I know that when I guide a raft with female clients, we always do it, right there on the river.
jk
But on a serious note, everyone in the relationship needs to be comfortable. If your GF feels uncomfortable, it's her right to have those emotions, right? It sounds like you guys have great communication skills, so that's an awesome start.
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drivel
Jun 4, 2012, 8:10 PM
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josephfazioli wrote: OH MY GOD! NO! Absolutely not! That's practically cheating already! There is no way that you would be able to control your urges and, obviously, she wouldn't be in control either. Men and women can't be friends! It's all sex, all the time. I know that when I guide a raft with female clients, we always do it, right there on the river. jk But on a serious note, everyone in the relationship needs to be comfortable. If your GF feels uncomfortable, it's her right to have those emotions, right? It sounds like you guys have great communication skills, so that's an awesome start.
she also has the right [use her money to pay for] to a therapist!
edited.
(This post was edited by drivel on Jun 4, 2012, 8:10 PM)
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jefffski
Jun 5, 2012, 2:34 AM
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Yes, we communicate well and yes, she was calm and rationale as she explained her feelings. She is a keeper, for sure.
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dan2see
Jun 5, 2012, 3:50 AM
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Somebody asked my wife, "How do you feel about your husband going climbing with all those ladies?"
She replied, "Well at least I know where he is!"
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Laney
Jun 12, 2012, 12:44 AM
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I vote in favor of you climbing with this woman who is not your GF. All of my outdoor climbing friends are guys, and most weekends they go off together and forget to invite me. I lead at their level, sometimes above, and as far as I can tell I'm fun and peppy. I think it's just easier to coordinate things between guys, especially when you have a significant other to answer to when you get home. But yah, from the perspective of the girl that really wants to go on the climb, it means a ton to be included.
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guangzhou
Jun 12, 2012, 11:31 AM
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I'm the wrong person to ask, I did some big walls with women I wasn't married to. My wife was fine with it.
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desertwanderer81
Jul 6, 2012, 7:28 PM
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Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner was that insecure. It is however a two way street. Your mutual trust is built upon each other. If I were you, I would work on giving her trust and building her own security in your relationship. The fact that she does trust you enough to talk to you about her own insecurities says a lot about he foundation of your relationship.
In the mean you should probably hold off climbing climbing with the new girl solo so you can build up that trust in your current relationship.
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