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The Ultimate Climbing Story: PART ONE
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fullahsiffur


Jun 5, 2003, 3:24 PM
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Ummm... NO.


climber49er


Jun 5, 2003, 4:54 PM
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In reply to:
Ummm... NO.

Wow dude, you're gettin' kind of control freaky over "our" story...

Just write the dang thing yourself!

"The rurps blow and Dave decks, sending blobulets of blood flying against the wall, earily spelling out "the end"". (ending 5?)


fullahsiffur


Jun 5, 2003, 5:06 PM
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You're right, I am. I guess evil gnomes and sex change operations weren't what I had in mind. But if each person wants to end it and distort it and just in general make it weir and meaningless, other people with good ideas and thoughts cannot put them on the CONTINUING story. That's why it is a continuing story, it is not supposed to end. "His RURPs ripped out and he was dangling five hundred feet in the air when..." would be just fine and would set someone else up to add something cool on. Do you see where I am headed?


kindredlion


Jun 5, 2003, 5:20 PM
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After the Curtains fall the killer gnomes come to sweep up the mess...


i gotta say all of this is HILARIOUS!!!


fullahsiffur


Jun 5, 2003, 5:58 PM
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Ya, it's getting there! :cry: :x :( :? :wink: :) :D :lol:


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Jun 5, 2003, 6:01 PM
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after the rurps blew Dave knew that there was nothing to stop him falling past the belay. The spire rushed up to meet him and entered his body like a sword into a scabbard. Impaled on this geologic formation was not how he thought his day would turn out. Daves life slowly eked out and before the lights turned off forever Dave had a moment where he wished for those carefree days when he was once again Gwendolin.

THE END

Mate we all know where you are headed and wanting to take this story but I fall off my chair laughing soooo hard at the alternative endings that have been posted so far. i say keep it up guys, how many alternative endings can we make. It gives a whole new meaning to choose your own story.

...Phil...


fullahsiffur


Jun 5, 2003, 6:04 PM
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That's okay, it is pretty funny! :lol: Somebody needs to thinks of a section where Dave is judged by the Good and Evil climbing gnomes...


climber49er


Jun 5, 2003, 6:14 PM
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And then RC.com shuts down and no one knows what happens to Dave and no one can sleep at night worriying about him. THE END


fullahsiffur


Jun 5, 2003, 6:33 PM
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Yep, he's part of our lives! :lol: :lol:


ronamick


Jun 6, 2003, 1:24 PM
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Once you make something public, you loose the ability to control it. Ya don't start a "chain letter" type story for everybody's participation, and then edit the thing fer chrissakes!

Clearly the old irritable bowel syndrome is affecting someone's attitude, Mr. poopy-pants!


fullahsiffur


Jun 6, 2003, 3:13 PM
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I do. Anyway, it was like riding a bull, and I fell off. Chill. 8)


timstich


Jun 6, 2003, 7:52 PM
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Dave sat in his squalid bedroom looking at piles of cams, carabiner, slings, and assorted climbing gear. He took another puff on his cigarette. It had a small rip in the paper, so it was burning unevenly. Dave looked at the tricams."Do I want these?" he thought to himself. Dave twirled the cams on their keeper nuts. He put them on the rack.

He looked closer at the blue slings. "Take all sixteen, or only five?" Dave thought. He racked the loose carabiners in doubles on his harness. Then he felt differently and reracked them in one long chain. Finally he decided to rack them on one of the blue slings. Then he transferred them to his chili colored sling, which he considered lucky. Dave took a long drag on his cig and drank some more ale. Without realizing it, Dave feel asleep staring out the window listening to the tape he had on.

When the morning light hit Dave's eyes, he glanced over at the clock. It was10:30AM. He had missed his buddies. Since Dave had no car, he put on some gym shorts and a torn t-shirt and walked the mile to the convenience store for more smokes and a cheese Danish. When he got there the Danishes had all been sold, but they had a stale doughnut. Dave bought the doughnut and a cup of coffee. The coffee turned out to be burnt and bitter, so he poured it out on the walk home. The smokes were like always; vaguely minty in a chemical sort of way.


tenn_dawg


Jun 6, 2003, 8:29 PM
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While lighting his second cigarette and walking down the sidewalk toward his appartment Dave noticed something strange. The street was completely deserted. As Dave had no Television, and didin' t care to read a news paper, he wondered if he had missed something. Even the clerk at the convience store had seemed slightly unnerved this morning, but that had not occured to him at the moment.

As he walked down the silent street kicking himself for missing his buddies and their ride, he heard something in the distance. Looking out across a unkempt field, he noticed a tuft of dust rising in the distance. And he felt something... Something strange...something omminious.

The hair stood up on the back of his neck as he began to notice a strange vibration in the ground, and a dull roar off across that field. The dust cloud was bigger now, and at once he could tell that it was caused by something coming across the field hidden in the high grass.

The noise was slowly rising to a roar, then a scream, and as the horrible realization hit him, his cigarette fell from his lips, and he staggered backward in terror.

"Evil Gnomes". Dave gasped.

Thousands of them, they formed a line as far as the eye could see in either direction. And in the poor light of the sun obscured by the dust storm, Dave saw the light gleaming off of their jagged teeth. By now, the Gnomes were almost to the street oposite Dave. He turned and began to run. He ran as fast as he could away from the screeching Gnomes.

He sprinted through back yards, and over fences at unpresecented speed. He jumped creeks and was sprinting across a huge parking lot when he slowed to a stop. His eyes took on a new look. Gone was the terror, and disbelief. And replaced...

Replaced by a new look.

Rage.

Dave turned and looked over his shoulder slowly and deliberately. He had gained several hundered yards on the line of approaching Gnomes. HE looked around for a weapon. Something, anything to fend off his approaching doom. And his wish was granted.

Across the street was the local Hummer dealership, and in their haste to leave, the owners had left the keys in a shiny black 2003 hummer.

Dave climbed in and turned the key. 500 Horsepower barked to life under the broad hood. Dave put on his sunglasses and said.

"IT's Payback time. "

The Hummer shifted into four wheel high, and dropped into drive. Dave floored it and burned out of the parking lot leaving a streak of black rubber on the pavement 100 yards long.

He screamed down the street towards the line of the hideous beasts and when he spotted them he stopped.

The line saw him, and stopped as well, and stared. ten thousand sets of gleaming teeth and drool, and pointy red hats. DAve and the Gnomes were separated by 200 feet of wide open field.

A gnome shifted his feet. Dave reffed the engine.

The ugliest of the Gnomes stepped foreward and spoke.

"Eeek ee wack fon tici torch fondu terra fon con-TERRAGASTA"

And the line sprinted foreward. Dave slammed the gas, and tore ruts all the way across the field, he cut the wheel and smashed straight up the line of gnomes. The evil bastards smashed into the hood and over the roof. Some were ground into the dirt from which they came. And Dave smiled.

After 5 minutes, the gnomes were gone. Dave stepped out of the hummer, and looked to the ground. He slowly reached down and picked up a gnome that was still groaning in agony.

He lifted it above his head, grabbed it by the neck, and with a heart wrenching scream, he ripped the gnomes head from it's body. Green blood poured down over dave, and he screamed a victory cry.

His day had come, and he had risen to the strength of 100 men. Slowly shop doors opened around him. People came out of their houses, and looked at him. Birds began singing, and a dog barked in the distance.

"Hello?"

DAve turned to see who had spoken behind him. It was a young blonde woman. "Thank you for saving my life, mister..."

"Dave... Just call me dave"

The girl slid to his side, and grabbed his arm. Dave lit a cigarette, and spit on a gnome carcass. The two walked off into the distance toward Daves appartment. And just as they rounded the corner, the girl squeezed dave's ass.

This was turning out to be a fine day.

(follow that story tellers)


Partner philbox
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Jun 10, 2003, 11:01 PM
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The crucial thing that Dave did not notice however was the fact that this gorgeous blond apparition was indeed an evil gnome in disguise.

"Say what is your name anyway, I haven`t seen you round these here parts purty lady" Dave declared.

"Terra, Terragasta" came the retort from the evil gnome in disguise.

"I`m sure I`ve heard that name before, Terra" Dave was beginning to show his true colours of being a dull witted buffoon. Terra exposed a steely glint through her beautiful blue eyes and she thrust her fullsome breast out towards the unsuspecting Dave. "Take me, here and now, take me to the nearest hotel and buy me a beer".

"Der, shucks ya sooo purty, ok".

Dave was led off by his nose ring to certain doom.

Did the evil gnome have her way with Dave, stay tuned for the next exciting episode as we await with baited breath to see whether Dave loses his.....
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Hairpiece.

...Phil...


tenn_dawg


Jun 10, 2003, 11:54 PM
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Hahahahaha....

This thing started out alright, then got lame, but recently has taken a turn for the FANTASTIC!

I have been laughing my ass off at the gibberish contained therein. We are a hell of a bunch of writers. Good ole dave.... I'll continue the saga tomorrow...

Travis


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Jun 15, 2003, 11:05 PM
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Oh please can someone continue the story, there`s enough loose ends in it to drag the Titanic through.

...Phil...


fishypete


Jun 16, 2003, 8:13 AM
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"Der, shucks ya sooo purty, ok".

As they walked toward the nearest hotel, Dave began to enjoy the rhythmical motion of Terra's leg as she brushed against him. He began to daydream as he walked, his already cloudy mind fogging still further.

However as they rounded a corner, a clammy feeling of impending disaster began to seep into his brain stem. He slowly rolled his eyes back out of their sockets far enough to realise that Terra was now behind him, and was reaching "basic instinct-style" down between her generous busoms...

....from where in a flash she unsheathed a murderous hunting knife - glinting with evil. She lunged for him with the vigour of hate, and screamed

"You will pay! You heathen climbers show no respect for Grolthius the god of Granite - protector of our people, and provider of caves! With every bolt you drill, you add another nail to your coffin! My people will triumph, and kill every last climber on earth!"

With a flash of instinct, Dave drew his sharpened nut tool from his belt, and parryed the swift blows of Terra. However he soon realised that he was outgunned, and being forced into a blind alley. With his options for escape dwindling, he eyes flickered around the blank walls, desperately searching for an escape route.

And then he saw it! An 11d offwidth squeeze chimney formed between two leaning buildings. In a flash he leapt of the nearest trash can, and threw in a desperate head/fist jam and began to work his feet up. Terra screamed in anguish as he began to slither out of her reach....


ronamick


Jun 16, 2003, 5:47 PM
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Looking down at Chappa twirling from his creaking pair of rurps high above the Gambian rainforest, Dave felt a pang of.....what? Fear?...apprehension? Right down in his....what? Former girly place? Imitation manly place? It was all too much to think about now, as a far more sinister and threatening question begged for an answer.............

WHERE WERE CHAPPA'S RED PANTALOONS??????????????

Chappa had started the climb wearing a gala pair of scarlet pantaloons, the type elder Kurdish gentlemen now wear with Nike cross-trainers as they gun down fleeing Al-Queda suspects high in the Northern reaches of Iraq. And now......Dave swallowed so hard his ersatz manhood jumped a full centimeter to the left........AND NOW CHAPPA HAD NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER! None.

"My god!" thought Dave, panic welling up inside of him where his upper girly parts used to be "Only a Mountain Gnome would attempt such an arduous ascent SIN PANTALONES!!"

"My god!" thought Dave for the second time in seconds, panic welling up inside of him in all of the other parts, most of which are shared by both genders, but some of which, an Adam's apple for example, he lacked for his assigned gender.
"Mountain Gnomes". The thought was of the type that would have come out in a low hiss were it spoken, but did not, since it was a thought, and thoughts make no noise.

Then, before his eyes, "Chappa" transformed into the King of the Mountain Gnomes, Abburretto himself! And due to their asexual nature, the pervo gnome freak began to multiply into a teeming mass of grim gnomes, all of which began to swarm up the rope with blood in their eyes.
Dave's rope soon bore the weight of scores of murderous creatures bent on his destruction, and the foul horde was ascending the single 10.5mm rope at speed!

"My god!" thought Dave one time too many for even the simplest editor to allow, yet most internet hacks wouldn't consider a noteworthy transgression,
"Those ugly little freaks are fixing to kill me!"
By now the first gnomes were a mere 10 feet below Dave, so Dave calmly pulled out his Swiss Army knife, opened the small blade and gently touched the honed side to his rope.

The sharp twang of parting nylon sang throughout the lush valley, quickly followed by the sound of a hundred hairy bipeds pulling off the 3 ton belay block, then wearing it as a top hat back down on the ground, just as Dave finished slicing off a hearty hunk of Hebrew National salami with that same knifeblade.

"My god!" Thought Dave an inexcusable fourth time in a row.
"Chappa always wore pants".
With that Dave merrily tossed the sausage bit into his mouth and choked to death on it.

THE END


Partner philbox
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Jun 17, 2003, 8:13 PM
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This was indeed THE END of Chappa and his red pantaloons. It was also almost the end of Dave but a fortunate thing happened, just as Dave started to see his life swimming past his eyes a rock dislodged from far above landed on his chest compressing his ribs and expelling the offending Hebrew National salami from it`s stuck position within Daves windpipe.

Dave was somewhat injured from this hymlic type maneouvre. Fresh oxygen flooded back into his lungs and the stereo vision of his life swimming before his eyes backstroked away into the distance.

What was our erstwhile hero to do stranded up on his perch with mere metres of rope left. The wall rose far up into the vast emptiness of sky. Dave of course still had his whole rack with him minus the gear that Chappa was cleaning.

The thought crossed his sick and twisted mind that perhaps he could short fix and down aid but that option was quickly discarded as he could hear some scuttling about from down beside the 4 ton belay block that had crashed onto the tallus below. He knew that somehow some of the evil gnomes had survived the plummet, hardy little blighters eh.

Dave was able to make use of the soaring splitter crack and he crack walked a couple of number one Camalots up in a steady progression which saw him eat up a significant amount of metres.

As he neared the top he heard an ominous whirring and he dodged a bomb of rock by mere inches. He then heard an evil cackling, oh no, evil gnomes have found their way to the top of the cliff. Another whirring and again a meteor like rock missed but this time by quite a few metres.

Gnomes are not noted for their aim which is fortunate for Dave. Another minor miracle is that the overhung top out will keep Dave hidden from the nasty little creatures.

Dave readied his aid hammer to do battle and setting himself up to pull the lip he poked his head up and.........


ontherocks


Jun 17, 2003, 9:33 PM
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...he kept hammering his head for while... and when he stopped he felt a great relief and pleasure...


tenn_dawg


Jun 17, 2003, 9:43 PM
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... "oh, wait" he said.
The source of the relief became apparent with the sudden realization that he had pooped his pants.
"Damn Evil Gnomes, must have sprinkled Magic Poop My Pants Powder on me, is there no end to their treachery??"...

Suddenly he remembered his sceret weapon! He reached into his day pack and pulled out....

Travis


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Jun 17, 2003, 9:58 PM
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... his magic fairy wand complete with sparkles that he got when he entered a teletubbies competition. Dave waved the wand first towards his butt to clear up the poopy pants and then over his forehead to clear away a bit of the blood and bruising from the self flagellated flogging he gave himself.

But alas the wand sputtered and spurted and Dave realised that he had used up the last of its power. Now what could he use to overcome the evil horde of damnable gnomes.

Dave sank back down below the lip of the headwall to contemplate his future. Just then he noticed a cable anchored into the wall not ten feet away and stretching off into the distance. Could he get over to it before the gnomes worked out how to get down to him. Where did that cable go to. Did Dave in fact lose his hairpiece. How did Chappa lose his pantaloons.

Stay tuned and hold your breath as we await with much anticipation the answers to these rivetting questions.

...Phil...


wlderdude


Jun 18, 2003, 7:22 PM
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Dave reached over to the cable.

Hot! he screamed. The voltage running through the power line made his hads grasp it with more might than he thought he had.

But Dave knew a few things about electricity. He knew not to pee on an electric fence. But he forgot.

Worth a try eh (rember how he wanted to go to Canada).

He proceded to urinate on the cable, which shorted it out and blew a circuit breaker breaker. (Don't try this at home)

His hands were cinged to the cable, but fortunately, a gnome threw a rock right on one of his arms, ripping it free.

Luck shot?

He grabbed his trusty pulley, attached it to the rope and. . .


tenn_dawg


Jun 18, 2003, 8:40 PM
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He grabbed his trusty pulley, attached it to the cable and. . .

cut himself loose from the string of crappy pro, releasing himself for the most insane zipline ever concieved.

The Cable angles down sharply toward the oposite side of a huge jungle river. Dave could barely see due to the acceleration flattening his eyeballs. The pulley and cable screamed a penetrating "vvvvwwwIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHH" at a deafaning volume. 30, 50, 80 miles per hour. He looked up at the pully and saw that it was leaving a trail of smoke behind him, and was glowing white hot!!

It wouldn't last for long, he could see the metal starting to stretch and deform, he thought that mabey, just mabey this would be the end, after all he had been through!!

He cringed, and gritted his teeth as the pully melted above him. He felt it give, then in his last moment he felt the weightlessness and heard the silence of freefall.

"God..." he whispered.


SPLASH!!!!!!!

He impacted the calm water of the river. He gasped for air at the surface. He looked down at his body, and saw that it was all there.

"YEEEEEEEHA!!!" he screamed, "I've beaten you gnomes again!!!"

Just as these words left his lips, he looked down stream for the first time.

He had no time to even think, before being drawn into the rapids...

(P.S. Phil, A magic wand with sparkles? That was his secret weapon??? I was thinking more along the lines of "bazooka", but whatever does it for ya. HA!)
Travis


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Mate work with me here eh. I was only going along with the pythonesque flavour of the story so I thought that a magic wand with sparkles would exhibit the sufficient amount of absurdityness required.

I looooove this story, it gets better with age, it is improving the longer it goes on. Damn we`re good. This`ll be the basis of a good book someday. Heh, I just thought of something, we need a better name for this story.

How did Chappa lose his pants.

Dave and the evil gnomes adventure.

Dave meets/is Gwendolin.

Choose you own Dave adventure

...Phil...

Quote,
He had no time to even think, before being drawn into the rapids...

Continued

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