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darin
Aug 13, 2003, 6:56 PM
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dalguard
Aug 13, 2003, 7:15 PM
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"We're too good a friends to risk it" is just a nice way of saying no. What you want to know is why they all say no. Ask some of the women in question. If they're such good friends now maybe they'll be honest with you.
You could think about the way in which you initially approach these women. Getting to know someone isn't necessarily the same thing as becoming friends. To be specific, put your best foot forward in the beginning and save the belching and ass-scratching for later.
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jumpingrock
Aug 13, 2003, 7:21 PM
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In reply to: "We're too good a friends to risk it" is just a nice way of saying no. What you want to know is why they all say no. Ask some of the women in question. If they're such good friends now maybe they'll be honest with you. You could think about the way in which you initially approach these women. Getting to know someone isn't necessarily the same thing as becoming friends. To be specific, put your best foot forward in the beginning and save the belching and ass-scratching for later.
You mean women arn't turned on by belching and ass-scratching??? :shock: :shock: What about nut scratching? Any scratching??? Hmmm maybe that explains why I am still single. :roll:
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rockfool
Aug 13, 2003, 7:40 PM
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The fear of rejection sucks, but it happens. If you are into a chick, all you have to do is ask. Just be yourself and good things will happen :wink:
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maculated
Aug 13, 2003, 8:03 PM
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Snail-like is bad. I do the snail-like thing myself and it hasn't gotten me very far. It is very hard to break out of friends category, and by that time that person's probably already moved on from the initial attraction, I know I do.
Everyone's got baggage. Hide it and let it leak out slowly as someone falls in love with you. If you truly love someone, it sort of just becomes another interesting feature about that person.
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mother_sheep
Aug 13, 2003, 8:10 PM
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In reply to: does my overly-cautious, friends-first, downright snail-like pace ever have a chance at working on a strong, confident, independent woman?
Yes, but only if she is attracted to you. When a woman tells you that you're just too good of friends to let things progress any further, I think it is only half true. The other half is the fact that she just isn't interested. If she was, taking the risk of becoming more intimate w/you and then possibly standing a chance of losing you would be more apealing. Does that make sense?
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gretchino
Aug 13, 2003, 8:20 PM
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I hate to say it, but you may just need a little dose of confidence.
In reply to: I'll be the first to admit that when they were passing out looks, I was taking another trip thru the personality line
There is nothing more attractive to me than 1) a great personality and 2) the confidence to back it up. You say you have the personality, do you have the confidence?? :D
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climbingbetty22
Aug 14, 2003, 4:11 PM
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Maybe this will help, maybe it won't...
Personally, I'm a bit more reserved myself, so I tend to like guys who are more aggressive. That is, they know what they what and they go after it. If what they want is me, well then, we have something to talk about. Earlier this year, some advances were made to me by a guy with the same approach (quiet, get to be friends first, etc.) and that was my reaction, " I don't want to ruin our friendship." Get to know a girl a little before going out with her, but if you invest too much, that's the response you're going to get. In my view, dating is how you get to know someone and by dating them both you and her know what kind of relationship you're after. If you try the friends approach and then change your mind because you want to date, well it changes the expectations in a uncomfortable, almost bait and switch sort of way. Personally, I like a guy to get to know me a little and then lay it on the table, "I think you're awesome, I want to get to know you more in the context of a dating relationship becasue I'm attracted to you." To me, that's what shows confidence.
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climbs4fun
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Aug 15, 2003, 12:23 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: I hate to say it, but you may just need a little dose of confidence. In reply to: I'll be the first to admit that when they were passing out looks, I was taking another trip thru the personality line There is nothing more attractive to me than 1) a great personality and 2) the confidence to back it up. You say you have the personality, do you have the confidence?? :D I'd like to think so. some guys are blessed with "head turning" looks when they enter a room. I'm not one of them. I just got an extra dose of personality.
Darin, that may be true, but I've met many incredible looking men that suddenly became the Hunchback as soon as they opened their mouths. There is something to be said for a self-confident, intelligent and funny man. In the long run, it gets you much further with me. Looks fade.
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moabbeth
Aug 15, 2003, 2:30 AM
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In reply to: Get to know a girl a little before going out with her, but if you invest too much, that's the response you're going to get. In my view, dating is how you get to know someone and by dating them both you and her know what kind of relationship you're after.
Good advice. Get to know her, but not too much. Getting to know someone really well is half the fun of dating. If you do that when you're not dating, then you're just growing into more of a friendship.
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gamine
Aug 15, 2003, 5:05 AM
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I think the secret is just being genuinely interested in getting to know people. If you're interested and she's not, then move on. What she means when she says "We just have too great a friendship going to spoil it with romance..." is that she's not attracted. Period. But, she probably still does genuinely like you, platonically speaking. Good luck to you! One of these days you'll find your match. ;)
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timart
Aug 15, 2003, 2:55 PM
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darin,
I would like to thank you for making this post. I am in the same boat for dating and can really say that this info has opened my eyes on what I also might be doing wrong.
I hope the ladies keep putting information on here that you can learn from its better to get it from the source. I have just learned a ton from just what was here.
Thank you
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dalguard
Aug 15, 2003, 4:12 PM
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Most men don't have head-turning looks. Frankly, we women don't expect all that much, just something slighltly better than physically repulsive.
Unless you're one of those guys who only goes after women who are drop-dead gorgeous. I've known a few of those. Crying about how women don't appreciate personality in a guy and then you look at the women they're chasing and . . . gee, isn't that a funny coincidence? They're all really beautiful. Really beautiful women can afford to be somewhat more discriminating and often are.
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corpse
Aug 15, 2003, 4:39 PM
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In reply to: Everyone's got baggage. Hide it and let it leak out slowly as someone falls in love with you. If you truly love someone, it sort of just becomes another interesting feature about that person.
"I know we are about to consumate our marriage, but now that we are married, I wanted to tell you about some of my "baggage".. I used to be a man."
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maculated
Aug 15, 2003, 4:40 PM
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Here's a tip. Guys I find attractive are usually totally opposite of what my friends like. There's going to be someone out there that really enjoys every bit of you, looks and all.
Heck, there are very handsome people out there who get uglier the more you know them . . . but the less handsome people get more beautiful the more you know them . . . try and deny that. It's a wonder of nature.
If you're confident that you are great, others will think so too.
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maculated
Aug 15, 2003, 4:41 PM
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Ack!!! That's a tough one. :)
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hstewart
Aug 15, 2003, 7:51 PM
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I'll preface this by saying--If you're in the market for "the one" then you shouldn't worry about your approach. If it's meant to be, then it won't matter if you start off as friends, and no amount of advice you follow, games you play, or gimmicks you use will amount to much.
HOWEVER, that being said--if you're just looking to date, that's a different story. Women (at least the strong, independent type you referred to) are not all that different from you guys. We like a challenge. Personally, show me something I can't have or someone who doesn't seem the least bit interested, and my interest is piqued--whether they are gorgeous or an average looking joe.
And we can't say enough about confidence (not to be confused with cockiness). I think that's the secret you're looking for, and it can't be faked. You have to really, truly like yourself and your life--if you have that, people will be drawn to you.
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the_pirate
Aug 15, 2003, 8:09 PM
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Darin,
Don't let these women lie to you. Personality can never replace looks. The only substitute for looks is cash. Lots of cash. Credit may get some of the ladies, but cash keeps 'em coming back. You need to be wearing overly expensive clothes and some jewelry to advertise said cash... Get yourself some Versache shirts, a few pairs of Tommy Hillfinger trousers, several gold necklaces, and rings. At least one ring for every finger. Then you'll have to fend off the ladies with your diamond studded walking stick.... :lol:
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darin
Aug 15, 2003, 8:29 PM
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In reply to: Most men don't have head-turning looks. Frankly, we women don't expect all that much, just something slighltly better than physically repulsive. Unless you're one of those guys who only goes after women who are drop-dead gorgeous. I've known a few of those. Crying about how women don't appreciate personality in a guy and then you look at the women they're chasing and . . . gee, isn't that a funny coincidence? They're all really beautiful. Really beautiful women can afford to be somewhat more discriminating and often are.
oh, *I* think she's beautiful, but most would probably label her as girl-next-door... most beautiful smile I've ever seen and a pair of enchanting green eyes... and a witty, smart tomboy.. sigh....
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on_sight_man
Aug 15, 2003, 10:05 PM
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In reply to: I'll preface this by saying--If you're in the market for "the one" then you shouldn't worry about your approach. If it's meant to be, then it won't matter if you start off as friends, and no amount of advice you follow, games you play, or gimmicks you use will amount to much. HOWEVER, that being said--if you're just looking to date, that's a different story. Women (at least the strong, independent type you referred to) are not all that different from you guys. We like a challenge. Personally, show me something I can't have or someone who doesn't seem the least bit interested, and my interest is piqued--whether they are gorgeous or an average looking joe. And we can't say enough about confidence (not to be confused with cockiness). I think that's the secret you're looking for, and it can't be faked. You have to really, truly like yourself and your life--if you have that, people will be drawn to you.
Classic, and true for both genders. Though I think that what you said is true for "the one" as well. People do not like to be bored, they like to be challenged. People do not like to be with people who are always negative on themselves, they want happiness and confidence generally. Maybe I'm a cynic, but even "the one" cannot accept me if I don't. And when I'm old and gray and there are no other options for me OR my beloved, we both STILL have the option of being alone.
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thrillseeker05
Aug 15, 2003, 10:37 PM
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Darin I think I might take a stab at your question…..
All these answers are very good. but none are very direct or simple. From what I have learned, keeping things simple is the key. Being honest, having a personality and the ability to make a girl laugh are all really big turn-ons for them.. don’t believe me? just ask them.
There are two things I see flat out. one is you aren’t all that honest. I don’t mean you are dishonest, I mean you are not straight forward with them. these friends of yours became friends with you since you basically led them to believe that is what you wanted…. so my advice is to grow some balls, be flat out honest next time and also go for it. tell her that you find her incredibly attractive. Tell her you would love to become her friend and even more if she would give you the honor of it. put something on the line rather then hiding so much. You claim you have confidence yet I can’t see that you do. I know many very beautiful woman that all have said they wish some guy would take a chance and just try. I don’t think these beautiful rock climbing gals are any different.
So my advice is to be honest and go for it. good luck.
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atg200
Aug 15, 2003, 11:58 PM
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whenever i am single, i have one hell of a hard time getting a date. after reading thrillseeker's post, i thought about it a bit. i have been shot down a grand total of 1 time since middle school when asking a girl out. i just don't ever ask, and most of the dates/girlfriends i have had have been a result of the girl picking me up.
i think that most of the nice guys out there who have a hard time getting a date(nice guys finish last syndrome) fail because we just never ask. for some people, it is a confidence issue. for me, i guess i always assume that whichever girl catches my eye is so busy turning down offers that i don't want to trouble her. after reading some of these posts and talking about this with some female friends, i'm guessing probably at least a few of them are wondering why on earth that guy over there isn't coming over to strike up a conversation.
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phylp
Aug 16, 2003, 2:28 AM
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Darin!
I took a look at your photo. What are you complaining about - you certainly don't have to rely on personality alone! A little more self-confidence will really enhance what you've already got. Or maybe you can write those "Queer eye for the straight guy" men and they can help you with your total package! :wink: .
Facial looks have never been the most important thing for me and are not for most women I know. Good body, brains, sense of humor, good person, self-aware, self-confident, sexy (not necessarily in that order) are more important.
I've been married for a long time and my husband is now one of my best friends, but when I first met him, the thing that got us together very quickly was the sexual chemistry. If you feel that for someone you meet, definately don't focus your energy on becoming "good friends"! An honest approach is the best one. Maybe you go the "friends" route because you're a bit afraid of rejection and think you'll test the waters with the "friends" approach? Waste of time. If you want a woman to feel attracted to you, she has to feel that coming from you too.
Good luck sweetie!
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moabbeth
Aug 16, 2003, 3:26 AM
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In reply to: maybe you can write those "Queer eye for the straight guy" men and they can help you with your total package! :wink: .
:lol: :lol: That's a good one. Did you see what they did to that guy's living space last night? From blah to fab in just a few hours They are miricle workers :P
Most of the advice above is good, but careful you don't come on TOO strong when making your intentions known. There's laying it all out there for a woman and there's scaring her off too soon. A simple "can I call you sometime" will almost always get a yes.
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calamity_chk
Aug 16, 2003, 2:03 PM
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i'm certainly not really the best person to be giving advice as i seem to be better at staying single than dating someone, but there's something to be said for guys who are confident but respectful. just sit back and concentrate on your own life for a while, and once you get yourself sorted out, you'll find someone. i know that it seems trite, but good relatioships rarely form when you're desperately seeking someone. the best relationships in my life have evolved when i wasnt really looking for something. (go figure) honestly, though, i think it's just that feeling of confidence and comfort with your own life is partially what makes someone appear attractive .. just my .02
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