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My wife is jealous of my SWF climbing partner
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madyak


Apr 21, 2004, 11:44 AM
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All right folks, here's what's going down. Thanks for all of your suggestions and comments.

Suggestions that I tossed out the window as I read them:
Drop "Jane" as a climbing partner
Drop my wife for "Jane"
Develop a threesome
Hook up "Jane" with someone (she doesn't want anyone right now)

The route being taken to fix the situation:
"Jane" and my wife are getting to know each other better, and on the near horizon will spend some time climbing together without me around - possibly becoming climbing partners (which would be awesome). Both like and are beginning to gain trust of one another.

"Jane" and I will never again climb just by ourselves. If we're climbing together and my wife isn't around, we're going to be climbing in the company of people who know my wife and wouldn't hesitate a second to tell her of anything they thought was going on. That goes for both indoors and outside.

As to road trips that my wife can't go on b/c of work or school (we have different spring breaks) "Jane" may be my navigator, but we won't be alone in my van - i.e., carpooling means more than two.

Oh yeah, and I'm working on spending more time with my wife and less time on my hobbies. I'm not there yet, but I really am making an honest commitment to it. I've found that her feelings of jealousy stem more from the fact that I spend more time riding my bike and climbing than I do just hanging out with her, then any other reason; the fact that "Jane" was another girl with which I was enjoying one of my hobbies just complicated that.

That combination of things along with a lot of commincation have helped to smooth things out, and I honestly think that this is all going to work out in the favor of all three of us.


wannabelaybabe


Apr 21, 2004, 11:51 AM
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Way to go with muddling through all the comments. Glad to hear that both of you are being sensible and not ranting about it to eachother. I think your ideas are an honest effort; keep us posted in a couple of months if things are still on the ups :)


funk29


Apr 21, 2004, 11:54 AM
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She should be jealous you Choosy Bastard!

You need to pull on some pants and be a Husband.

Note to self: "donít have a female climbing partner who is not your wife while trying to maintain a meaningful monogamous relationship..."


fitz


Apr 21, 2004, 1:09 PM
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I'm sorry, but does anyone else but me here the word "Duh" echoing in their head?

Still, Madyak does not seem to completely get it. It's not really about sex, anyone who has made it through puberty knows that any male hanging out with a female who is engaged in an limber, athletic activity is going to have occasional dirty movies play in his mind - unless he has an abnormally low sex drive or is the portion of the population that is wired for same-sex attraction.

A chaperone might seem like it addresses sex, but it really just insults trust. Everyone knows the movies exist, trust is what means they won't be acted on. If a person has to delegate trust to a chaperone, they aren't getting at the root of the problem.

The root is probably either a) spouse is concerned she is tethered to a little boy, not a man, since hobbies come first b) worried she is married to someone who invests more in a relationship with another woman than with her or c) some combination of the above.

I'm with funk29, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to start acting like it.

-jjf


dsafanda


Apr 21, 2004, 1:17 PM
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As a happily married climber I have to admit the last two posts pretty much hit the nail on the head.

It doesn't matter how you rationalize it. It doesn't matter whether or not your wife is right or wrong to be jealous. If she feels uncomfortable about it that's reason enough to listen to her and do something about it. A good climbing partner can be tough to find but its not nearly as tough as finding someone you want to marry. Finding a climbing partner other than Jane shouldn't be that big of deal to you. Do you honestly have such a special bond with Jane that finding a different climbing partner is out of the question? Would you like to explain that to your wife? Good luck.


jumaringjeff


Apr 21, 2004, 1:59 PM
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HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW

bummer man....that's a bummer.


stellanole


Apr 21, 2004, 2:05 PM
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hmmmm...im diggin the last couple of comments. interesting summation of this whole issue.

some things shouldn't need explanation. (im allowed to change my position at any moment dammit) If youre the type of person who is so caught up in having to qualify everything...and everything must go back to causation...i think you might find it difficult to get thru life with one person. i have found myself on several occasions in different relationships wishing that i didn't have to have a REASON and that whatever behavior was causing me stress or anxiety from my partner would cease on the SIMPLICITY of 'regardless of how/why...or IF I understand...my actions/behavior is hurting my partner'. Isn't that enough??? Aren't there just those situations where its a GIVEN that its probably not the most IDEAL to be in, regardless of how innocent it may seem?

for example....dude enjoys a brewski or two while driving around in his car...girlfriend isn't 'cool' with it. after request of cessation...at the minimum out of respect for her safety...he says "i wouldn't ask you to quit quit going to the gym..." DUH! ya know what i mean? you can't compare CRACK on the same level as a pot simply because its a drug!? urg.

this brings us back to the whole trust position. yes, trust is important in a relationship...but i think we must assume different discretions and responsibilities when suddenly your life becomes not only about you, but about the person with whom you have vowed to share it with.

hmmmm....

Is it not okay to ask your partner to stop doing something that carries potential risks or ill repurcussions on the relationship when the only REASON you have is that it makes you uncomfortable?


chouca


Apr 21, 2004, 2:52 PM
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Go ahead and be an objectivist. It's ok, you're among friends. Your wife is a looker and you acknowldge that. You would have to have your sphincter alot tighter than posessed by members of the climbing community to take issue with that statement.

This is NOT where you want to take your stand. Find a male climbing partner and don't go climbing with the female partner as a couple, only as group. Include the wife as much as possible. Your climbing partners come and go, hottie wives are forever.

Marc B.


rockartist43


Apr 21, 2004, 5:37 PM
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i would think the best medicine would be to get the two girls together climbing bring in another climber male and see where that goes


robgordon


Apr 21, 2004, 6:36 PM
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girlz ain't nothin but trouble.

RUN AWAY!!111


zeta


Apr 25, 2004, 10:18 PM
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well,it's interesting reading this now b/c i'm currently in a situation where i guess i'm the "jane" and it's a hard situation on the other side too! My climbing partner is engaged (been w/ his s.o for 8 years). She doesn't climb or ski at all, which is-of course-how we met. So, we climb together a lot--go on climbing trips (though there's always other people along) and he's a great climbing partner and friend. Problem is, i'm getting definite mixed signals from him and it's throwing me off b/c --underneath it all--I do really like him (but i would never act on these feelings and i always make sure we're in a group situation). I know that I should climb w/ others but i'm having a hard time *not* climbing w/ him. And I do know that I'm rationalizing my behavior. And I am working on removing myself from the situation. I'm just trying to figure out whether i should confront/call him on his behavior--hash everything all out...and see if we can still be friends after all this. Or just let it go entirely.

I hate this situation...it's not always about jealousy. Sometimes it's just about whether men and women can climb together with it being understood that nothing's gonna happen. I've had lots of other male climbing partners and there's not any kind of sexual tension going on.


akclimber


Apr 26, 2004, 2:37 AM
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Evidence. :lol:


cantbuymefriends


Apr 26, 2004, 4:25 AM
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In reply to:
Oh yeah, and I'm working on spending more time with my wife and less time on my hobbies. I'm not there yet, but I really am making an honest commitment to it. I've found that her feelings of jealousy stem more from the fact that I spend more time riding my bike and climbing than I do just hanging out with her, then any other reason; the fact that "Jane" was another girl with which I was enjoying one of my hobbies just complicated that.

That combination of things along with a lot of commincation have helped to smooth things out, and I honestly think that this is all going to work out in the favor of all three of us.

So, the way I see it, you are to...
1. ... minimize your time with a great friend and climbing partner.
2. ... generally cut down on your outdoor time.
3. ... spend more "domestic" time.

So, tell me again, How does these points exactly work out in favor of YOU? (And what do you do that perfect climbing day when there's no partner but Jane available, and there's no chaperon around?)

Stellanole: your comparison sux!


treehugger


Apr 26, 2004, 5:13 AM
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So, tell me again, How does these points exactly work out in favor of YOU?

Let me take a stab at this one...stabilizes his relationship with his wife, which apparently has a higher priority than his relationship with his hobbies. While that may be a weird concept to some, sounds like he is okay with it.


jbell2355


Apr 26, 2004, 5:45 AM
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I've had similar problems with my wife....women are a strange lot. Here is my recommendation, take it for what it's worth. I would tell my wife that I have no feelings for Jane, but that I am willing to do whatever will make her happy (if your wife is like the rest, nothing will make her happy, but you can try). Tell her that you won't climb with Jane anymore if that is what she wants, but explain why you don't favor that as a solution. Let her make the decision...climbing with Jane is not worth having an unhappy wife. Especially when you have other partners available.


cantbuymefriends


Apr 26, 2004, 7:16 AM
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In reply to:
Let me take a stab at this one...stabilizes his relationship with his wife, which apparently has a higher priority than his relationship with his hobbies. While that may be a weird concept to some, sounds like he is okay with it.

Oh, well. :roll: I hope he comes back and let us know when he has decrased his time with his hobbies to a level that his wife IS happy with...


sarcat


Apr 26, 2004, 7:37 AM
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decrased his time with his hobbies to a level that his wife IS happy with...

I don't think this is possible unless he resigns to 1 Saturday morning a month.


stellanole


Apr 26, 2004, 10:46 AM
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cantbuymefriends.

maybe you think it SUCKS because thats how RIDICULOUS you men can be sometimes.

always trying to level the playing field with things that are completely irrelevant to the 'issue' at hand.


tradmanclimbs


Apr 26, 2004, 11:02 AM
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the wife should be Jealous. casual cragging dosen't count but if you are doing real rt's with jane then sooner or later you guys will end up tearing each others chlothes off and doing the wild thing. fear and adrenalin will do that to you. Multi pitch climbs, hot female rope gun, skinnydipping in the cold mtn stream after a near death experience,getting close to stay warm on a bivey, Shareing the sunset and sunrises. all these things are bound to wreck your marrige so don't waste any more time. Either hook up with jane or distance yourself from her and teach the wife enough so she can go on those big climbs with you.


curt


Apr 26, 2004, 11:13 AM
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In reply to:
It seems like the consensus is dump the climbing partner before risking the marriage, which I don't agree with. I think it's unfair of your wife to expect you not to hang out with her, if she does. Jealousy is almost always a result of insecurity. So it's not about Jane, but about how your wife feels about herself and your relationship. Work on that. If this jealousy is a big enough issue to have you dump your climbing partner, I think it's a symptom of other problems and those will continue throughout the marriage.

In reply to:
The fact that your wife is a beginning climber...and you spend time with this woman who is climbing closer to your level--kinda sucks. Its natural to feel a little insecure when the person you love spends time with another of the opposite sex who not only shares a love for said acitivity, but does it WELL! thats the icing on the cake. lol. Just imagine this for a moment...

Dr. Curt says these two posts are right on point. Also, in order to determine the correct action it is first necessary to understand if:

1) The wife is jealous because she feels inadequate in terms of being a climbing partner--regardless of who any other female partner of hubby's might be (whether Jane, Mary, Liz...or whoever.)

or

2) Whether the jealousy is beacuse of something about "Jane" in particular that the wife sees as threatening.

Curt


johnhemlock


Apr 26, 2004, 11:32 AM
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if it were me, and my marriage were on the line, i'd be talking to a marriage counselor instead of a bunch of goofballs on a rockclimbing website, but that's just me.

Goofballs? I resemble that remark!

I would make it a contest so everyone can win. Tell your wife that if she can pull 5.10 by the end of the summer you will stop climbing with Jane. This gives your wife a goal. People need a goal.


robbovius


Apr 26, 2004, 11:32 AM
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*sniff, sniff*...This thread stinks of "Troll".


robmcc


Apr 26, 2004, 11:46 AM
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In reply to:
*sniff, sniff*...This thread stinks of "Troll".

Ya think? I don't know. I find it all too plausible.

Rob


micahmcguire


Apr 26, 2004, 1:54 PM
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In reply to:
In reply to:
well,it's interesting reading this now b/c i'm currently in a situation where i guess i'm the "jane" and it's a hard situation on the other side too! My climbing partner is engaged (been w/ his s.o for 8 years). She doesn't climb or ski at all, which is-of course-how we met. So, we climb together a lot--go on climbing trips (though there's always other people along) and he's a great climbing partner and friend. Problem is, i'm getting definite mixed signals from him and it's throwing me off b/c --underneath it all--I do really like him (but i would never act on these feelings and i always make sure we're in a group situation). I know that I should climb w/ others but i'm having a hard time *not* climbing w/ him. And I do know that I'm rationalizing my behavior. And I am working on removing myself from the situation. I'm just trying to figure out whether i should confront/call him on his behavior--hash everything all out...and see if we can still be friends after all this. Or just let it go entirely.

I hate this situation...it's not always about jealousy. Sometimes it's just about whether men and women can climb together with it being understood that nothing's gonna happen. I've had lots of other male climbing partners and there's not any kind of sexual tension going on.

my advice..give BJ now, ask questions later...

but who cares what my advice is :twisted: :twisted:

who cares indeed!

But all Akclimber bashing aside, the man either needs to leave his fiance or stick with her. It boils down to this-if he wants to leave her, then you keep climbing with him and more power to you, I hope you get him. If he does want to leave her, stop climbing with him. Coming from someone who is engaged, I would much rather leave him alone and help to assure he has a happy marraige than to keep causing tension between him and his spouse over something as trite as a climbing partner.

But really, its his choice. He can't keep riding the fence between two women like that, even if one side of the fence is clearly more predominant. Men, in the end, tend to think with their pecker if allowed to continue interacting on this level without clear, discussed boundaries. So I suggest you have an ultimatum wherein you outline your feelings for him, and tell him that you can't climb with him anymore because you want him to have a successful marraige, or tell him that you want him and he should leave his fiance for you. It will eventually boil down to thhose two options-or a third-continue in this manner past his date of marraige and you will be condemning his relationship with his wife to failure. What do you really want? What do you think he really wants?

Its either time to move on, or make your move.


tradmanclimbs


Apr 26, 2004, 2:36 PM
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I will cragg with allmost anyone. I am a climbing junki who goes to the local cragg and soloes untill i find a victim I can drag up somthing harder than i am willing to solo. A day of multi pitch climbing is a different story and a multi day trip raises the bar another notch. I would never do a full day with a single woman. i definatly wouldn't do a multi day trip or put up a new rt with another woman. My Girlfriend is my best partner and leads harder rock than I do so why risk pissing her off?

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