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mattdog
Apr 22, 2004, 5:05 PM
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Things I Have Learned About Women During my Brief Time on this Planet
Part Three
Women talk. A lot. No, not just general discussion. Talking to women is anologous to some combination of an injection of morphine, a mild orgasm, three snickers bars, and a back massage.
Yes, the mouth of a woman is connected to the brain by a direct channel, similar to the connection of a man to his penis, only more direct.
In general, the rule of 3 applies to women's conversations in comparison to men's. Women will talk about the same thing with three times the frequency, three times the detail, to three times as many people. For instance, Bob told his friend Steve that he hooked up with Mary last night. That's about it for us men. Steve congratulates Bob, and the day goes on as usual.
Oh no... not for women. Mary begins in the morning by telling her best friend about the encounter. She begins with Steve's name, age, place of residence, mother's and father's names, any pets, bedsheet color, and any other pertinent details. By lunchtime Mary's other friends have heard and must also be informed. By dinner time, all the girls get together and discuss, in detail, the entire encounter. This will include, but is not limited to, lovemaking style, penile appearance, angle of erection (in radians and degrees), all positions used (and whether you attempted rear entry), and how long it took you to finish, in both seconds, and in comparison to all her previous lovers.
Women are laughing now. Do you know why? Because all of them. Every single last one of them has had one or more "penis" discussions. Hell, they know more about your little man than you do. They know size, width, girth, color. They've talked about the highly-prized "banana" shape, and the dreaded "pencil penis." Using a color chart, they could probably go to Lowe's and pick out paint the exact color of your jimmy.
Talking is theraputic for women, the same way masturbation is for men. (Notice the anaologous connection.) While we might pass out my whacking the wet noodle, women might call their best friend to get the latest juicy gossip.
Women often claim that men aren't listening to them.
They are correct. We don't listen. We have a much smaller memory buffer when it comes to conversation -- perhaps on the order of a seven year old. When my wife tells me, "Be here to pick me up at seven... because I'm yada yada yada." By the time she finishes, I have forgotten the first part.
In order to help many couples avoid these circumstances, I provide the following suggestions for relaying important information to your male counterpart.
1) First, call his name. This causes him to pause focusing on whatever his current task is. If his current task is important (say, the football game), you might need to wait until his has a lower focus factor.
2) Wait for eye contact. DON'T believe that simply because you're talking, he is hearing you. Make contact, hold it. Be strong. You may have to move around to maintain this.
3) If this is general conversation, prime him. Warm him up with, "remember my friend Jenny?" and then, "remember her house in Rhode Island?" This gets your man ready to recieve said conversation.
4) LASTLY, relay the important information: "Well, Jenny is a lesbian." BAM! This allows the most important piece of information to be the last one remembered.
Don't make the mistake of leading off with the details and then hoping to maintain his focus while you trail off into lesser juicy bits. Think of your man like bread: you must first let the yeast do its work before you can bake it.
Hopefully this will help you talk to your caveman. I've got to call Keri now...she told me to pick her up some time today, but I've forgotten when.
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climber49er
Apr 22, 2004, 5:17 PM
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In reply to: I've got to call Keri now...she told me to pick her up some time today...
There's no way you could have remembered that.
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macherry
Apr 22, 2004, 5:36 PM
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
hey mattie, you are on a roll!
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climberchic
Apr 22, 2004, 6:21 PM
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Best one yet Matt! I e-mailed this to Ivan :wink:
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chanceboarder
Apr 22, 2004, 6:31 PM
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
thats great, these rock...teach us more oh wise one.
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camsticker
Apr 22, 2004, 6:59 PM
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Well done!! These are truely profound observations. Now the question is are these merely inherent characteristics based on nurturing or are they merely a genetic manipulation that allow "Man" to focus on the more physical??
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mattdog
Apr 22, 2004, 11:59 PM
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In reply to: Well done!! These are truely profound observations. Now the question is are these merely inherent characteristics based on nurturing or are they merely a genetic manipulation that allow "Man" to focus on the more physical??
you got me. all I know is that whenever Keri is cleaning out the dishwasher, I'm checking out a whole lot more than those dirty dishes.
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slablizard
Apr 23, 2004, 12:06 AM
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Matt
You made me spit my coffee all over the monitor.
great post :P
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wannabelaybabe
Apr 23, 2004, 1:30 AM
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In reply to: [ you got me. all I know is that whenever Keri is cleaning out the dishwasher, I'm checking out a whole lot more than those dirty dishes.
you know... if i was cleaning OUT the dish washer, they would be clean dishes. and i always wondered why he stares then... :P
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mattdog
Apr 23, 2004, 2:01 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: [ you got me. all I know is that whenever Keri is cleaning out the dishwasher, I'm checking out a whole lot more than those dirty dishes. you know... if i was cleaning OUT the dish washer, they would be clean dishes. and i always wondered why he stares then... :P
Typical woman. Always got to get in the last word.
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cantbuymefriends
Apr 23, 2004, 12:18 PM
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In reply to: you know... if i was cleaning OUT the dish washer, they would be clean dishes. and i always wondered why he stares then... :P
He's staring because he cannot fathom how the dishes can be clean, when they were dirty when you put them there and closed the lid... :D
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bumblie
Apr 23, 2004, 12:29 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: you know... if i was cleaning OUT the dish washer, they would be clean dishes. and i always wondered why he stares then... :P He's staring because he cannot fathom how the dishes can be clean, when they were dirty when you put them there and closed the lid... :D
It must be magic. Just like the thermos.
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mattdog
Apr 23, 2004, 1:40 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: you know... if i was cleaning OUT the dish washer, they would be clean dishes. and i always wondered why he stares then... :P He's staring because he cannot fathom how the dishes can be clean, when they were dirty when you put them there and closed the lid... :D It must be magic. Just like the thermos.
I don't quite get it either. I'm not allowed to touch the dishwasher, anyways. Apperently, my dish placement (get it, displacement?) technique is lacking. :lol: :lol: :lol:
har har har
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bumblie
Apr 23, 2004, 2:21 PM
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In reply to: Apperently, my dish placement (get it, displacement?) technique is lacking. :lol: :lol: :lol: har har har
You should stick to satire.
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micronut
Apr 23, 2004, 2:47 PM
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In reply to: Women talk. A lot..
And then you wonder why some guys get all the play
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cantbuymefriends
Apr 23, 2004, 2:48 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: Apperently, my dish placement (get it, displacement?) technique is lacking. :lol: :lol: :lol: har har har You should stick to satire.
I think he should stick to Keri...
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