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petro
Aug 6, 2004, 3:02 PM
Post #26 of 57
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Y'all gotta understand something...
THEY TOOK THE F'IKN BOLTS OFF THE POTATO CHIP!!!
(The Dr'd up picture (pre photoshop) on the cover of the heel and toe guide)
Here is the recipie for LOVE at the Voo. First, you climb Edward's crack, pure jammy candy. She teases you with a short little chimney at the end. Then you grow some naders and decide to climb Mother #1. A beautiful butt-crack of a route. THE most prominant line that you can see from Edward's crack. Then you climb the big ol' girl. Well... you grunt, thrutch, whine, abrade, cheeze grater, sob, crank, wheeze, dryheave, your way to the top. You top out after some beautimus fists, and look across the vast desert of the parabolic slab. You run it out to the top... a little apprehensive with one thought in your head. "ONLY 5.7??? My tucass that was 5.7??? What is their definition of 5.2??? Then you get to the bolts over a beautiful overhanging potato chip.
O.K. this is an interactive post. There is an alternate ending. This is the present ending...
Ending #1) THE HANGERS ARE GONE!!! GASP! EGAD! You are so tiffed that you could cry... you are out of gear, and there is no way to make an anchor. You arrange a hip belay for your partner, and try to make like "The Fridge", his little rap ditty from back in the day is playing in your head. You laugh, but fail to realize that the rope has become lodged in the top of the crack. Your partner nears the top of the climb, pissed off at you ineptness at taking the slack out of the system, and your inability to even come close to replicating 80's old school football player rap. Suddenly, the rock below his left foot turns into ball bearings, and he is shat from said booty crack of a route. He yells, but it's too late, he smacks the end of the rope, sending you head over heels down the parabolic slab. Your pulpus body is slung off the slab like a ski jump, and you realize you have nothing left to lose so you yell "I can see my house from here", as you smack head first into the rock. First it goes the most brilliant white, then it goes black...
Alternate ending #2) THE HANGERS ARE GONE!!! GASP! EGAD! You are so tiffed that you could cry... You studied the guidebook, and yell to your partner that you are downclimbing, the anchor's missing. You head into the top of baldwin's chimney and make a human chock-stone. Everything goes without incident, and your buddy gets to you and is pissed off. "No anchor? Why didn't you tell me you A-wad." To ease the situation, you tell him that you will give him a hip belay as he downclimbs. He makes it down safely, and heads off to the car in a fit of rage. You start downclimbing, mocking your x-partner aloud. "Why didn't you tell me A-wad?" "I can't climb with you today, I have vaginal dryness... A-wad!" Suddenly, because of your lack of concentration, you are falling. Only you are falling down a chimney, like a human plinko chip. First it goes white, then it goes black...
You awaken in a world of pain. The type of pain that makes you question the existance of pain, merely a manifestation of the concious mind. A defence mechanism. As your world fades back from red to technicolor, your view is only a close-up of the Voo's precambrian granite, a drizzle of blood, and your right knee. It takes about 5 minutes for your brain to get wrapped around the idea that you are wedged in Baldwin's chimney, keyster down, head and feet above you. Both arms are broken and numb, and your femorial artery was severed by your nut-tool in the fall. Your world slowly fades as the blood drains from your body.
Three years later, your X climbing buddy commits suicide, unable to live with himself after that afternoon's tragedy. He dies alone in a Kansas City shotgun shack. 400 lbs., bald, and unshaven, wearing only stretched out/month old/unwashed/tattered tighty whiteys, lipstick, and a superman cape.
Alternate ending #3) THE HANGERS ARE GONE!!! GASP! EGAD! You start to shake as the thoughts bounce around inside your head. You are one flashing light away from an epileptic seisure as the picture from the guide-book flashes into your consciousness. There were anchors to the right of the route!!! You shout to your partner and downclimb. Cursing the Ratt Bastard who chopped the bolts and deprived you of one of the Voo's greatest rappells... As you bring your partner up, you loathe the mundane typical, everyday rap. He get's to the top, with a look on his face like "What in the? Who in the? Why I oughtta..." His bottom lip quivers, and his eyes well up. The silence is only punctuated by the dry Wyoming wind, as you embrace, trying to console eachother. The loss of innocence. A small shower of tears falls upon the talus as you rappel tandem style for moral support. You walk off to the truck, tails tucked between your legs, and head hung low in shame. You'll never return to Vedauwoo, your life is ruined... You throw your shiny new #5 camalot into the truck, it bounces and shatters the rear window. You just shake your head, get into the truck, and tear out of the parking lot, spraying the side of a Giant Disel Dodge with gravel. The Wyoming cowboys fire the machine into action, and chase you down. Using their cow-pusher brush guard they send you into the ditch. Your climbing buddy is hurled through the windshield dying instantly, but your fate is much worse. The cowboys bind your legs with your climbing rope, and drag you through the streets of Cheyanne...
The cowboys are never caught. Rumor has it, they were last seen in Kalispell, MT... Heading North...
Alternate ending #4) You clip the webbing running through the two solid bolts, and loosely through the manky 1/4" bolt. You decide that you should replace the webbing, since it is looking a little frayed. You take your time, enjoying the view, noticing the weird pyramid on the plains to the south. Your partner gets to the top, congratulating you on the fine lead. You take the first rap, kicking off into space. The freedom you feel overflows your heart and wells up through your lungs flying out as a hearth barbaric yalp. A touron in the parking lot hears the yalp, and immediately snaps a picture with his 8 megapixel new toy. He waits well past dark, wanting to e-mail you the incredible sunset shot, the nautilus lit blood red against a blue and yellow backdrop of sky, and you perfectly siloetted against God's brilliance. The rule of thirds was obeyed, and even Murphy could not find fault in the beautiful picture. It becomes the backdrop for your office computer, and your boss suddenly decides that you deserve a raise for all your hard work. You run home to your trophy wife's warm embrace to tell her the good news. You stop to fill up, and decide to buy a lottery ticket. You win the lottery, and set up a trust fund for you and every one of your friends, and live hapilly ever after...
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overlord
Aug 6, 2004, 3:10 PM
Post #27 of 57
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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petsfed
Aug 6, 2004, 5:13 PM
Post #28 of 57
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petro,
That was beautiful.
*sniff*
The cowboys... paraded through cheyenne... diesel dodge...
*wipes away a tear*
I LOVE YOU MAN!
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ikefromla
Aug 6, 2004, 6:45 PM
Post #29 of 57
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that was one of the most interesting things I've ever read on RC.com. GOOD JOB with that...
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fredrogers
Aug 6, 2004, 7:01 PM
Post #30 of 57
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The rumor is that the hangers are being replaced ASAP. Yes, these are convenience anchors. Yes, such anchors have been used at Vedauwoo for 20+ years.
J-Tree has got way more bolts/square meter than Vedauwoo will ever have.
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billcoe_
Aug 6, 2004, 7:29 PM
Post #31 of 57
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Can't speak to the bolts: but Petro should be forcefed whatever he ate which caused him to write that stuff so we can get some more of it regurgitated.
It'sssssssssssssssssssss GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:
PS, Petro -put some sheep in the next story, everyone loves sheep, even people from New York. :shock:
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mungeclimber
Aug 6, 2004, 9:15 PM
Post #32 of 57
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In reply to: Three years later, your X climbing buddy commits suicide, unable to live with himself after that afternoon's tragedy. He dies alone in a Kansas City shotgun shack. 400 lbs., bald, and unshaven, wearing only stretched out/month old/unwashed/tattered tighty whiteys, lipstick, and a superman cape.
5 out of 6 ain't bad, I just don't live in Kansas City.
:lol:
Good stuff Petro, muchisimas gracias.
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sarcat
Aug 6, 2004, 9:44 PM
Post #33 of 57
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gwad is a troll. A 104 year old male troll. He got some of you going didn't he?
Nice prose petro.
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mtnjunkie
Aug 6, 2004, 10:56 PM
Post #34 of 57
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In reply to: As it may be a disturbing thought to get to the top of a route and find that the hangers have been removed ,consider this: What if you came to the top of the climb and the flake that those bolts had been attached to was no longer there. I sugest that people climb with a little more self reliance and realize that routes and conditions change.
In reply to: Plan for the worst and hope for the best. If you show up to a climb with your sport gear and no back up equipment, you are getting what you deserve. Use a nut snugged up around the bolt, place some traditional pro, drive a piton or carry your own hand drive bolt kit to protect your self or turn around and head home.
B) Yeah, let's deface the rock even more because some removed a couple of hangers. Good thinking! How about I drive ANOTHER bolt right next to a hangerless bolt. It will give our prophet another hanger to remove!
Please comment on a topic you are somewhat familiar with.
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tradclimbinfool
Aug 7, 2004, 2:26 PM
Post #35 of 57
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Troll or not, the sad truth is that people with gawd's opinion do actually exist. These people take climbing way too seriously and don't realize that in the "grand scheme of things" (and I use this term loosely) climbing doesn't really matter. Climbing is not going to change the world. Climbing is not going to bring about world peace. No one is ever going to win a Nobel for climbing. These people forget that Climbing is a recreational activity. It's something we do for fun. Climbing is no more important or transcendant than (gasp) Golf!
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petro
Aug 12, 2004, 2:41 PM
Post #36 of 57
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Who needs bolts when we live in this modern age of duct tape, suction cups, ninja grappeling hooks, sheep (offwidth pro), women with skin grafted to couches :shock: (chimney pro), and who could forget "gecko tape"...
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angelaa
Aug 12, 2004, 2:45 PM
Post #37 of 57
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that is too funny, I just saw that on TV last night. . . . . :lol: :lol:
although last time I was in a Vedauwoo chimney, no pro was necessary - because my hips were BOMBER pro :oops: . . . . . and I don't have a couch stuck to my a$$ yet! :wink:
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mtnbkrxtrordnair
Aug 12, 2004, 4:05 PM
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Petro, that was fooking brilliant. Best thing I've read here. When are you publishing your first novel. Can I order an advance copy?
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pixielesha
Aug 13, 2004, 3:46 AM
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As a former gym rat (forced by location) that is now able to learn from awesome, positive people about trad and climbing outdoors, I was shocked to stumble upon this thread.
I didn't realize that in achieving death "you are getting what you deserve." And yes, Gawd and the others I HAVE heard of the Darwin awards.....
So comforting to know that the very people who could educate us abhorrent previous-plastic-pullers, who in other cases would lovingly cling to their cherished words of wisdom, are going to give said words of wisdom from the perspective of *natural selection* as a way of organizing the climbing community. "---f you"....right, that’s alllllways helpful.
So, thank you to Gawd and his/her ilk who have shown me that I need to be careful who I ask for advice, not just because of technical expertise, but because of *attitude*, they just might be people with some serious unresolved anger issues as well as a serious need for spell check (don't toss that computer, you might need it). I’m sorry to see such hostility, which makes me want to kiss Petro all the more.
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petro
Aug 13, 2004, 3:06 PM
Post #40 of 57
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My first novel???
I was just having a little fun, why you gotta get all serious on me? If I could find someone who would publish me, I would. I have an excellent article in "Gases and Technology" ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz Huh?
No, really. I would love to write for a living, bank on some royalties and lead a nomadic existance. I'll work for cheap, I'm like a spartan with clothes...
---
Lesha, I'd love to teach you some of ropes. I'm always looking for chill people to climb with. I have trust issues when people have phallic personalities.
---
O.K. so I wrote a funny story. Good job Petro, I'm still patting myself on the back... But, I think you guys are missing a deeper message in the story. It was simply an exaggeration to make you THINK!!! O.K. very biased, but... Don't you enjoy some of the cooler parts of our sport? Being able to confidently huck your meat into the gravity experiment that even modern science is trying to understand, with some quiet internal reassurance that everything will be O.K. because of a few slivers of refined ore? In the giant scheme of things, bolts are miniscule. We're really just arguing about the shape of that refined ore, be it stopper, piton, cam, hex, or bolt. It's all just climbing... tools.
I'm a traddie through and through, but every time I clip a bolt, I realize that sometimes I take myself too seriously. I love the self sufficiency I feel when I study a crack system, I may in fact need it. Who really cares HOW we learn our trade? Be it plastic, sport, or insignificant ascents up rocks the size of refrigerator boxes... I climb for the freedom, to alliterate, "the freedom of the hills". I don't really care why anybody else climbs, I am comfortable with my own decisions, and accepting of the decisions of others. If you want to chop bolts, that's cool...
But isn't it better to create than to destroy?
Imagine. All the people... living for the day...
ooo ooo ooo ooo oooo
Some may say I'm a dreamer.
Can't we all just get along?
My impression of climbers in the past is that they were exceedingly cool brotha's. They held the ideals of coolness in high esteem. There may be a few lone wolves in history, but generally, and I recognise the danger in speaking in generalities, however, I'm a sucker for punishment, generally, climbers are social animals.
Why don't you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!!!
What I'm trying to say here is...
YO!!! Why you gotta be all up in my face like dat? Choppin' bolts? Dude. That's kinda weak. We got a good thing going here, free places to camp, great rock to climb, beautiful scenery... Every time people start gettin' all hard the man comes around and makes me start followin' rules, paying for camping, driving on the pavement, stuck somewhere in the middle of the herd. I have always had a problem with authority, like the rules don't necessarily apply to me... Like there is a secret passage behind the smoke and mirrors, the disappearing magician who knows the trick. I can find that in climbing, but it keeps getting taken away from me. Man? Don't be all choppin' to look all hard man, just be cool...
Savy?
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decaf
Aug 13, 2004, 3:45 PM
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Hey petro, you sure you don't write for a living cause you have quite the way with words. :)
Also despite the fact that I did get the meaning of your message the story in and of itself was rather enjoyable to.
Somestimes the medium is as important as the message eh? :D
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nistrong
Aug 25, 2004, 10:57 PM
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Good words, Petro, good words. Keep it up.
The problem nowadays is that people don't really have to take responsibility for what they do, unlike what "the master" GAWD and his kin think. We all know that his egotistical ass yanks these hangers when there ain't nobody around, since he's so tough an' all. Well, let's just put it this way: If I see him yankin' a hanger or choppin' a bolt in an area I frequent, I will show him a placement for a #5 Camelot that he never thought would have fit. We'll see if his tune changes after that.
GAWD, pass it off as conjecture but don't be surprised when it's not.
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petro
Aug 26, 2004, 1:36 PM
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In reply to: I will show him a placement for a #5 Camelot that he never thought would have fit. We'll see if his tune changes after that. GAWD, pass it off as conjecture but don't be surprised when it's not.
Nistrong, I would like to take this opportunity to warn you about the inherant dangers of over camming. Physics would argue, "If it went in, it will come out", but we are talking about an expensive peice of climbing equippage here for Pete's sake. I have seen many over cammed placements that seem to defy all extraction attempts.
If you are talking about the flaring placement that I think you are, a safer option may be a #11 Hex, sideways. Speaking strictly on a cost basis, these peices may be considered disposable when contrasted with a #5 Camalot.
It is your decision though, and I understand that you must draw upon all of your personal experiences before attempting to rectum-fy the situation.
Rock on
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cdb1386
Aug 26, 2004, 2:21 PM
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I think a large tri-cam with a good tug might be better and probably the same price as that hex.
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nistrong
Aug 26, 2004, 3:54 PM
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The benefit of not being able to get the cam out, however, is that he would forever have his tail between his legs when waddling around like the dawg he is.
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petsfed
Aug 26, 2004, 4:37 PM
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Update:
Some friends have gone and replaced a few of the chopped bolts, no news on which. Also, there are reports of half-chopped bolts as well. I can not give locations I have not seen them myself, but presumably that was at the top of Mark's list to replace. I will let you know as I find out more.
Also, this chopping has been limited to the more crowded areas, and to bolts one can get to by walking. The bolts on Friday the 13th are still there, as are those on Air Travel With Report, and the Prow bolts.
Reports say that our chopper is "some old dude" but every single "old dude" that I can think of knows better. So that kicks out Scarpelli (woe be unto the chopper when he meets that individual, and Scarpelli's been out there virtually every single weekend this summer), Kuestner, Jenkins, Piana (why he'd chop bolts God alone may know), Millard, Driese, Jaquot (though I think he's stopped climbing), anybody I missed? They've all placed bolts at Vedauwoo, some unnecessarily, but the bolts weren't chopped. This is a self-righteous gumby. Because if he had any climbing skills, he would've chopped all the bolts on Friday the 13th. Those are all convenience bolts. You just have to climb 11b/c to get off the route.
And what about Southwest Friction? You don't really need the bolts, but if you chop those, you have to downclimb the same route. Why not chop the 4th of July rappel bolts? They're right next to a crack after all.
This disgusts me.
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nistrong
Aug 26, 2004, 6:46 PM
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In reply to: ...but every single "old dude" that I can think of knows better... a self-righteous gumby... he would've chopped all the bolts on Friday the 13th... all convenience bolts... have to climb 11b/c to get off the route... if you chop those, you have to downclimb the same route. Why not chop the 4th of July rappel bolts? They're right next to a crack after all.
So old dudes know better than to chop bolts, this bolt chopper is a self-righteous gumby, and yet you're suggesting that it is actually OK to chop convenience bolts. Even going as far as suggesting which ones. Where do you think you get off? If you don't want to use them, here's a bright f***ing idea. DON'T!!! But as soon as you start doling out suggested chops, it snowballs. Who are you to decide which ones are convenience bolts? Doesn't it depend on how egostistical, stupid and self-conscious you are? Take GAWD for instance; I'm guessing 4 inches fully inflated at most. He has to make up for that by being an a**hole and doing generally stupid things. Should we let him decide which ones are convenience bolts? I think it should be a guy that solos 13s in his flip-flops. That would be very objective. Where do you draw the line?
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petsfed
Aug 26, 2004, 8:45 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: ...but every single "old dude" that I can think of knows better... a self-righteous gumby... he would've chopped all the bolts on Friday the 13th... all convenience bolts... have to climb 11b/c to get off the route... if you chop those, you have to downclimb the same route. Why not chop the 4th of July rappel bolts? They're right next to a crack after all. So old dudes know better than to chop bolts, this bolt chopper is a self-righteous gumby, and yet you're suggesting that it is actually OK to chop convenience bolts. Even going as far as suggesting which ones. Where do you think you get off? If you don't want to use them, here's a bright f***ing idea. DON'T!!! But as soon as you start doling out suggested chops, it snowballs. Who are you to decide which ones are convenience bolts? Doesn't it depend on how egostistical, stupid and self-conscious you are? Take GAWD for instance; I'm guessing 4 inches fully inflated at most. He has to make up for that by being an a**hole and doing generally stupid things. Should we let him decide which ones are convenience bolts? I think it should be a guy that solos 13s in his flip-flops. That would be very objective. Where do you draw the line?
1) If I were so deluded by my own beliefs as to chop bolts, that's where I'd start. They are the most obvious and public bolts to chop. If I wanted to make a statement, those are the ones I'd chop yes. But you clearly have no familiarity with the area. The only way off of Friday the 13th is to rap from the bolts at the top of the first pitch, the second pitch, or the Prow rappel bolts. But if you're going to chop the bolts at the top of the first pitch (which are 18 inches from the crack that is the route), you have to climb the second pitch. If you chop those at the top of the second (likewise very close to the crack that is the route), you have to climb the third. So if you want to make a statement with that route, you gotta be pulling 5.11+ trad first.
2) Every single person I mentioned (I feel) are the people to ask if you want to chop bolts. You read any of the Vedauwoo guidebooks, their names will appear over and over and over. If nothing else, they can put you in contact with the first ascent party. They know how the game is played. And they're not chopping bolts.
3) My point remains. This is not some *Trad til I die* hardman who is offended by anyone he doesn't think should be climbing. This is instead some *Trad til I die* gumby that hasn't been climbing long enough to really realize the consequences of his choices nor does he recognize the history behind the ethic in Vedauwoo. Say what you will about bolts chopped in the middle of a route. This person is chopping rappel anchors. The most obvious being the anchors at the top of the Parabolic slab. There are no horns, nor chockstones, nor anything else to anchor from at the top of that slab. You have two options, when you climb Mother #1 or Baldwin's Chimney. You can rappel from there, or you can finish via the Parabolic slab. As of right now, if you choose to finish via the Parabolic slab, you climb all the way to the tip of that overhang, then all the way back down WITHOUT PROTECTION. Not more than a month ago, you could climb to the top, clip the anchors, belay up your second and rappel.
This chopper is making a statement, but he since he clearly lacks the background to have any relevancy in Vedauwoo, he must resort to petty (and as Petro pointed out, dangerous) vandalism. I have no respect for this chopper's goals because I spend a lot of time away from the maddening crowd in Vedauwoo, and all of those bolts remain.
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slablizard
Aug 26, 2004, 9:52 PM
Post #49 of 57
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I say CHOP THE BOLT CHOPPER!
With a chock of stone on his chupa-choops
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