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dancesonrocks
Sep 12, 2004, 8:01 PM
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I essentially got my boyfriend into climbing (he had taken one beginner class about a year before he met me and then never climbed again until he met me).
Now he climbs harder than me and sometimes I get depressed when I can't lead a climb that he can lead. He thinks it's because I'm competitive with him. But I know in my head that realistically he *should* be able to climb harder climbs than I can. He's taller, stronger, naturally more athletic, bolder on lead, and presently has tons more time to climb than I do so gets more practice.
I think my "problem" is that I felt like climbing was something I excelled at and brought to the relationship but now he's the one with more knowledge so I guess I feel useless or dismissed. It doesn't help that we often climb with another guy who is a really strong climber so I'm the one who is the weakest link. Maybe it's partly wanting to look good to one's SO too... before he was in awe of me and now I think he isn't (he says he is though and reminds me that tons of women can't do what I can do).
Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else had this with their SO? Maybe it's just my hormones? Seriously though it doesn't come up all the time so... ;)
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missedyno
Sep 13, 2004, 4:49 PM
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it's tough, but try not to think about it. i'm a fiercely competitive person too, which is weird since i've never been exceptionally good at anything. perfectionism slash competitiveness? who knows.
compare you to you and not to them. humans like to learn/judge/make decisions based on comparison, but when it comes to climbing there are just too many other factors involved.
i've been told i'm too hard on myself, and i've been trying to relax about the whole deal. personally, bouldering has helped since it's a style of climbing i can do on my very own, and see progress quickly.
but of course, what works for me won't work for most. there's that comparison thing again.
hang in there!
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cruzit
Sep 13, 2004, 8:50 PM
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My husband and I started climbing at the same time. He has progressed faster than me. As with you, he is stronger than me and bolder on lead. On the other hand, I'm more flexible and tend to climb with my eyes instead of just muscleing my way up something. I tend to think of it less of a competition between me and my husband and more of a competition with me and the rock.
Instead of worrying about what you can't do, look at what you can do and what you have accomplished. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds as if your SO is supportive. It's just a matter of getting your head straight.
Good luck.
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dancesonrocks
Sep 13, 2004, 11:52 PM
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Thanks gals!
I guess I knew what to do but it's good to see feedback as well. I'll work at making it more about "me and me" or "me and the rock" next time I feel out of sorts about climbing.
I definitely have been steadily improving over the years, I'm stronger and bolder than before and have done things I wouldn't have thought I could do so I'll focus on that instead :)
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jdouble
Sep 15, 2004, 3:01 PM
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Maybe a slightly different perspective? As far as your progression in climbing as a whole, would you rather be climbing with people who are better or worse than you? What at present you see as frustrating could be the best thing for your climbing ability!
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dancesonrocks
Sep 15, 2004, 3:59 PM
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In reply to: Maybe a slightly different perspective? As far as your progression in climbing as a whole, would you rather be climbing with people who are better or worse than you? What at present you see as frustrating could be the best thing for your climbing ability!
Very good point!
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holdplease2
Sep 15, 2004, 4:41 PM
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You mention in your post that one of the things that is getting you down is that he has more "knowledge" than you. Strength? Boldness? You may not be able to perform as well as him...
But knowledge or lack therof? Take the opportunity to perform in this area. Learn self rescue. Learn aspects of additional forms of climbing (aid, trad (if you don't already) or ice. Gender is no excuse in this area.
I don't know where you live, but if there is slab climbing, do some of this. I climbed in Red River Gorge Kentucky for 2 years...known for burly overhanging sport routes. Couldn't keep up with my guys for the world. So I took up trad and also learned to climb the rare slabs in the area...it gave me something to contribute to the group.
I'm not condoning being competitive, just trying to point out ways you can bring yourself up to par relative to your partners.
-Kate.
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maculated
Sep 15, 2004, 4:51 PM
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That's why you and I get along, Kate.
I attract people who can climb harder than me by: (a) knowing my crap when it comes to first aid and belaying, (b) climbing trad (many of the people around here are sport weenies), (c) getting really involved in the community.
EVERYONE has a place of importance everywhere, they just need to find a niche and fill it.
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dancesonrocks
Sep 15, 2004, 9:08 PM
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In reply to: But knowledge or lack therof? Take the opportunity to perform in this area. Learn self rescue. Learn aspects of additional forms of climbing (aid, trad (if you don't already) or ice. Gender is no excuse in this area.
Sorry, I realize I haven't posted in a long time here so may come off as a new climber, but I'm actually fairly knowledgeable about climbing and have taken various classes, including a multi day advance trad climbing class as well as a CPR class. I've been on many multi pitch trad climbs including being on the leading edge. I usually am the one teaching others climbing techniques and have been rope gun a number of times. I don't use gender as an excuse.
My SO has more knowledge because he has more time to devote to climbing and is part of Search and Rescue - I can't go along on his training runs because of insurance purposes. I think a medical first aid class would be a great idea though and more knowledge is a good thing :) The key for me perhaps is to accept that climbing is not my full time occupation and to not be competitive in this area but just advance in it at my own pace.
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holdplease2
Sep 16, 2004, 5:33 AM
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Oops, sorry then, I didn't realize you were experienced in so many areas of climbing.
The post struck me as one from a climber with maybe a little less experience. I don't know why now that I re-read it.
Can't really help you with the relationship side either. Mine usually don't last more than a week. ;)
No more ladies forum for me, its toooooo complicated in here.
-Kate.
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punk
Sep 16, 2004, 7:41 AM
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In reply to: No more ladies forum for me, its toooooo complicated in here. -Kate.
Just looking...Just looking...
BTW Danceonrock two words Sigmund Freud
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goye2cz
Sep 18, 2004, 9:15 AM
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Hi there,
This is my first time posting here. I read a lot, but stay quiet. This one hit home though. Climbing is the first hobby that I've had since high school. It's the first thing that I've loved to do since then. I had wanted to try it for years and then a friend helped me get started. It was finally something that was mine. My husband is a musician and is good with computers and all kinds of things. I'm a lot like you and am not particularly good at anything, which I'm normally ok with.
Recently, my husband has started to climb with us, and, just like I knew he would be, he is great at it. His first time out he out climbed me. It is a little bit of a struggle for me between being proud of him and happy for him and handling him being better so fast.
Also, like your man, he is very sweet and supportive and proud of me. It's just something we have to learn to live with and spur us on. EVERYONE I climb with is stronger and better than me, so I should be used to it. (My middle name is klutz by the way!) But like someone said, its really just about me and the rock anyway.
Thanks for posting though. It was good for me to hear that I'm not the only one who has felt this way.
Blessings,
Laurie
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hardrock_chik
Sep 20, 2004, 12:50 PM
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I don't think it matters at all if they're better than you. I've been climbing longer than soem of my climbing friends and it often annoys the h**l outta me because they're better.
The best way is excuses, excuses, excuses and find something you're better at than them in a climbing aspect. For instance this guy is is so much better on higher grades than me but I'm much stronger and have a better technique. We compete all the time but don't take it too seriously.
It's when you seriously compete, are under pressure or aren't having fun, thats when you should worry.
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tonithegreat
Sep 20, 2004, 6:19 PM
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Gah!
I have to fight this too. And unlike most of the rest of you ladies, I do not have the tallness excuse to blame anything on. I am taller than all of my male and female partners. I think I may be the tallest person I know of who climbs at our gym. And I still get outclimbed all the time by most of the gym rats.
In the last year, the person that I generally climb with in the gym (who is not and has never been my SO) has _solidly_ surpassed me as far as the grades he can master in the gym. He's pretty good about it, though, and it actually pushes me helpfully more than anything, to keep climbing with him. It's been a frustrating summer. Between popping a finger tendon and gaining a bunch of desk-job-related weight, my climbing abilities have actually gone down instead of up. And it is too easy to just stay frustrated with that, and put even more pressure on myself because my friends are watching and I still want to impress them (damnit! this was supposed to be the summer that I became a solid 5.10 climber!).
Oh well. Stupid slow-healing tendon has me climbing a lot of juggy endurance stuff only these days, which I suppose will be good for me in the long run and maybe help me shed my attorney pounds. . .
Toni
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dancesonrocks
Sep 22, 2004, 4:03 AM
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Kate: No worries :) I'm not a frequent poster so I can see how it would be easy to assume I was a beginner climber, especially since I was complaining, hehe.
Punk: "BTW Danceonrock two words Sigmund Freud"
Ah yes good ol' Sigmund, I think he needed a little psycho therapy himself ;)
Laurie, hardrock_chik and Toni: Yep, you know what I mean, hehe. It's hard not to give in to the "excuses" ploy too. I'm definitely a Jill of all Trades though depending on my activity swing I have peaks of "Mistress of Some" ;) I like the excel part of things though. I must admit that I was heartened that on a particular start of a climb I flagged and got up that part no problem but my bf had trouble so it reminded me that I still have some natural technique talent.
As an update: We both recently went out on purpose to do some crack climbs we'd never been to before and we both had some difficulty -- it's been a while since we did more than our familiar cracks and this one was brand new to us. It was fun to flounder a little together LOL.
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climbs4fun
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Sep 22, 2004, 4:16 AM
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We use that competitiveness to push each other harder. We are both very supportive of each other. He's been climbing longer and is much better at it than I am. But thanks to friends like Kate teaching me new things, I am able to pass that on to him. This tends to even things out a little. Makes things less competitiive and more like having a true climbing partner.
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holdplease2
Sep 22, 2004, 11:22 PM
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Ha! Kel...just wait 'till you see what Mac and I have in store for Josh! You'll have plenty to...um...write home about, for sure. :twisted:
-Kate.
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climbs4fun
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Sep 22, 2004, 11:25 PM
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In reply to: Ha! Kel...just wait 'till you see what Mac and I have in store for Josh! You'll have plenty to...um...write home about, for sure. :twisted: -Kate.
Stand in line girl. Art is already trying to kill me. You two will just have to wait your turn! :twisted: :roll: :wink:
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holdplease2
Sep 23, 2004, 12:39 AM
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Hey...I thought I had the VIP pass, jump to the front of the line and all the rides are free?
Who is this art character, anyway?
And to save this thread from pending hijak:
I always compete with my SO on climbs. Lucky for me, it's not hard to outshine an invisible friend. Especially one with bad footwork.
Where's the office of homeland security when you need it?
-Kate.
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jt512
Sep 23, 2004, 1:58 AM
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In reply to: Who is this art character, anyway?
IIRC, he's the guy that Kelly and Amber want to have the menage-et-trois with.
In reply to: And to save this thread from pending hijak:
Too late.
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holdplease2
Sep 23, 2004, 4:55 AM
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Amber! Kelly! I thought it was JT you guys had your eye on...oh well, my bad.
The real question, then, is "Do you get competitive with your climbing SO's SO?
:twisted:
-Kate.
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magpie
Sep 23, 2004, 6:48 PM
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Ahhh, this is such an interesting topic.
My name is Erica and I also get competitive with my significant other. (who, yes, I introduced climbing to...)
Some good points mentioned previously. It's hard not to get frustrated sometimes. When we first started training at the gym, he blew way ahead of me in bouldering land. On routes, we've always been more well-matched, which makes me feel better. But why does it matter? It's so hard- always an internal struggle; "I'm climbing for me, I'm enjoying myself, I'm challenging myself, and I occasionally do something he can't, or show better technique, or..." then the next minute: "Damn! He's leading harder than me- I don't want him to be my rope gun!"
It's tough. I also have to remind myself that he can do 12 pull-ups and I've just recently made 1. (yay, though, I was excited!) I'm not being honest with myself if I say I'm not competitive, and that it doesn't bother me on occasion. It's hard not to compare, but I have to catch myself so I don't end up in a sour mood instead of enjoying the fresh air, the trees, and the rock on my skin. What I try to focus on is feeling good moving on the rock, feeling good pushing myself, and enjoying myself out there. Hell, if he can put up climbs I can't lead yet, then it's all a way to better my technique and work through some hard moves.
You have to give yourself slack. Think about what we do- the general population thinks it's crazy and looks impossible. Gotta keep it all in perspective. We'll all continue to improve by pushing ourselves. There's always going to be someone better and someone worse than you at any given task. The only thing we have control over is ourselves....
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scottsm
Sep 24, 2004, 7:58 PM
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No. He can climb harder and is stronger but can't route-find for his life. I wonder how many multipitch climbs he'd actually finish if he didn't have me to point out the route (routes that I'm climbing for the first time also) for him at each belay. Then again, I wonder how many multipitch climbs I'd finish if he weren't there to lead the hard pitches.
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climbinggurl
Sep 25, 2004, 9:58 PM
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YES! i actually do. im always competing w/ my friends! my boyfriend is like! "ALLIE STOP BEING COMPOETITIVE"i just cant help it. i always ask if that person wants 2 compte. n if they say yes then i get competitive. so my answer is YES!! do yall :?: 8^) :? :) :( :o :lol: :P :x :wink:
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hyhuu
Sep 27, 2004, 5:13 PM
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Perhaps it's worth re-examining the reason why you climb? Cheer.
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