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traddad
Jun 12, 2002, 3:15 PM
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I’m proposing a new branch of big wall tourism: Big Wall Bouldering. In this new action packed adventure X-stremist’s dream come true, the first step is to ply a Valley dirt bag ( it’s best to pick one that has been living behind camp 4 for more than 3 months) with Old Milwaukee 40 ouncers and Moon Pies. This will cause said dirt bag to hallucinate from caloric shock and go into a trance-like state where he/she is easily manipulated. Once this has occurred, the BWBer saddles the pig on the DB and attaches a stick with a new Zero Friend dangling just out of reach and points him/her toward the nearest Big Stone. Once at the base, the DB, still in the throes of a sugar and cheap alcohol high, begins to aid the nearest A5, hauling the BWBer up the climb attached like a remora to the pig. Once at a suitable altitude (and before the DB comes to his/her senses) the BWBer pops open the double port-a-ledge, throws down his/her fetid crash pad, lights a fattie and begins to work the sequence on a new, untouched A5/V4 “boulder route”.
Now THAT’S highball.
Traddad
[ This Message was edited by: traddad on 2002-06-12 08:15 ]
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radistrad
Jun 12, 2002, 3:27 PM
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Sounds like and adventure...
I think we can find a few V10's with in the first few pitches of ZM, but ya better share that fattie 'cause I'm a wuss when it come to high ballin it... I'll need to seek the big wall anebriation (did I spell that right?) during the bouldering phase... But waht do we do with the camp 4 refugee when he becomes alert again?
-Rob-o-"high"ballin
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traddad
Jun 12, 2002, 4:45 PM
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Rad,
Ah....therein lies the conundrum! How do you control your “beast of burden” without having to haul copious amounts of cheap hooch and Twinkies. Well, there are several methods that can be applied. The first is what I like to refer to as the “Mark Twight” light and fast method, in which you carry only enough Everclear and Gu to last half the route. When the beast of burden (here-to-for known as the BOB) comes to, you notify them that they are halfway up “Wyoming Sheep Ranch”, there is no alcohol left, you only have one 150' rope and the poop tube just sprang a leak (this will cover for the stink emanating from your crash pad). This news will cause the BOB to make a bee-line for the top out, possibly nailing a new route in the process (for which you can claim co-authorship).
The second method is to let the BOB peruse your stash and then regale you with lavish tales of his/her big wall exploits while under the influence. A cautionary note here: This method could lead to an excessively long stay on the wall, requiring said BOB to haul massive amounts of munchie food. The bright spot is, the Big Wall Boulderer would have more time to kick back, light some incense and contemplate the true meaning of his/her latest masterpiece: “Dude, Where’s My Crashpad?”.
The BWBer should beware of big wall religious conversions that can occur during particularly heinous A5 beak fests. If this should occur and the BOB eschews all offerings of mind altering substances, the BWBer has no alternative but to either take his/her turn hauling the pig or appeal to the BOB’s baser instincts by taunting him/her incessantly with epithets such as “How can you call it climbing if you never fall?” or “Hey, Dean Potter is right behind you and he wants to free this sucker”. Adding “duuuude” to the end of each epithet serves to deepen the wound.
Just some advice from your ‘Dad
[ This Message was edited by: traddad on 2002-06-12 09:46 ]
[ This Message was edited by: traddad on 2002-06-12 09:48 ]
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traddad
Jun 12, 2002, 7:22 PM
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Ah, I see that Big Wall Guru Russ Walling has joined our group! Perhaps he could design some sort of bridal and harness set up to control the BOB. And maybe a Big Wall portaledge/crash pad combo. How 'bout a Big Wall still so that all you would have to bring is water and raw sugar to brew up some "Wall Lightning".
Traddad
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radistrad
Jun 12, 2002, 7:43 PM
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Traddad,
I can see you have as much free time at work as I do (I assume your working, if not you should be climbing), its either that or the "dad" has a lot of teaching to do...
I like the idea of the still on the wall, it can become a stop on the way to the top, too bad the 'wallers dont have any $$$ we could just open up a Big Wall Bar atop of Mammoth T. From the Big Wall Bar we can hire Chongo to fix lines to every route so ALL can enjoy your wicked ever-clear wall brew.
I bet we can even invent a "puke tube" that they bring with them, kind of like your bringing own glass, after all it is the wicked wall brew they will be swilling.
Perhaps instead of $$ we can charge by the gear, 1 drink = 1 'biner, 1 pitcher = 2 nuts, to go = that rack of beaks...
too fun...
radistrad can leard from the traddad
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climbsomething
Jun 12, 2002, 8:03 PM
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hehe, I am in stitches reading this thread. I LOVE climbing humor!!
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traddad
Jun 12, 2002, 8:08 PM
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You'd have to hire a bar tender (Perhaps Russ could help there too!)and maybe have a waitstaff dressed in Hooters costumes (Including Leo Houlding for the Big Wall Babes)ready to pendulum over to the respective bivis to take orders.
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phlyfisher
Jun 12, 2002, 8:11 PM
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I love the idea. Too funny.
Climb on climba
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radistrad
Jun 12, 2002, 8:41 PM
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I really think we are on to something...
However we would also need Lynn Hill and Lisa Rand (gotta have a bouldering bar maid)!
I also think we can use the Dolt Cart for easy restocking of the Mammoth T (MT) bar.
So now we have bigwall bouldering in its finest form.
All of the boulders will now need need a wall rat that is at least half-cocked (you can get one from the depths of camp 4 (as previously noted), "Sunnyside" to the boulder heads), a crash pad and some gear for the MT bar or cash, can never refuse the green stuff.
I think the MT bar is more for the benefit of the boulderer, this way he/she can keep their big wall refugee with one eye rolled back in his head and therefor can move from boulder spot to boulder spot.
Mammoth Terrace bar to open as soon as traddad can come out and find Lynn Hill.
Unfortunatley my work day is over and I have to leave the internet... to g oand do some climbing, ofcourse...
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traddad
Jun 12, 2002, 9:10 PM
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Lynn, where are you?.....
You know, since friends don’t let friends drink and nail, we’ll have to open a Big Wall Motel along side of the Big Wall Bar. I envision a multi-level portaledge affair replete with luxury “Porta-Penthouses” for well heeled foreign business executives getting their butts hauled up the Nose for that “Big Wall Experience”. Perhaps each “room” could be decorated in motifs representing the Golden Age of Climbing. You could have your Yvon Chouinard suite (done only in organic cotton and fleece), your Chongo Room (done in duct tape and sun bleached nylon) and the ever popular Warren Harding Memorial Bat Hammock.
Each party would also be required to have a “Designated Jugger”.
[ This Message was edited by: traddad on 2002-06-12 14:11 ]
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radistrad
Jun 13, 2002, 3:54 PM
Post #11 of 11
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porta-penthouse, again I think we can get Russ to help us out...
I do think that mammoth may not be the best place for the bar, after some careful consideration I do beleive the bar and "Hotel El Cap" should be moved over to Boot Flake, this being a more central location.
However, I do think that freinds do lets freinds drink and nail, this can be an accpeted pratice, as it is the boulderer who needs to be sober not the wall rat refugee who came from the depths of Camp 4, remember he has to kept with atlest one eye rolled back into his head...
I also think we will need to have Russ invent a porta-crash pad with a leash incase the boulder head misses his porta crash pad, the leash could go around the ankle much like a surf board leash...
Traddad did ya find Lynn?
boys and girls you must always listen to your Traddad
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