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maculated
Mar 20, 2006, 5:31 PM
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Actually, I don't care. I think I'm just going to tell this guy off, but . . . perhaps someone out there knows this game.
I've been on all of three blind dates in my life, and two of them were this year. They all ended the same.
See, the first date goes fine, but the guy doesn't kiss me at the end - it's not the nature of the location or what have you. He also doesn't ask for a second date. And I'm shy so I don't.
A few days pass by and no word, so I call him and ask him out again. He always says yes.
Now, here's the weird part . . . the second date is still ambiguous. I figure it's just blind dateness, right? And then, no word. For at least a week.
And here I am like, "Okay, whatever, wrote you off, silly blind date."
And then the guy will email me about a week and a half later about how busy he is and how he's going to be busy for another week, but we should continue this when he's not busy. This last guy signed off with: "The
start of the quarter is always pretty hectic as well (he's a prof), so write me if I become a slacker and don't get around to writing you."
The other two times the guy never called back, and that was fine, because I have a philosophy that if a guy likes you, he will MAKE time.
But what is the point of the intermediary email? Some kind of guilt assuager like, "Well, I'm not just fading out . .. I'm BUSY?"
I'm genuinely curious. This guy has no shot with me because I am of a higher quality than an afterthought. Pshaw. But still. Analyse away.
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rufusandcompany
Mar 20, 2006, 5:46 PM
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Attraction is a visceral emotion, which defies intellect and reason. It is something that you either simply run with or not.
You sound as though you have analyzed the results of your blind date experiences in depth. Is it not possible that you are actually doing this during your dates. in which case you and the other person have little chance of just letting things develop or not?
Analyzing scientific hypotheses is a good practice, although dissecting the psyche of your dates is not. In fact, it is a sure way to sabotage your chances of ever really getting to know these potential mates.
You might try just enjoying these dates with zero expectation in mind. Be pleasant and easygoing, and give your date the chance to take it all in.
It is also wise that you realize that sex is most likely always going to be on your date's mind and that he might feel reluctant to be forthright about, for fear of offending you. If you sincerely like the person, but don't want to jump into a sexual situation, then be considerate and open about your feelings with friendly, tactful dialogue. Let him know that you understand human nature and that you might even entertain that thought, but that you need to let those things develop at their own pace.
If he truly likes you, then he will work with that. If not, then he isn't worth another thought. The key is to give him the chance to feel comfortable around you and be able to be himself.
One other thing that is the kiss of death is to be intellectually competetive with him. Dates are not a pissing contest. If you truly believe that you both share an intellectual capacity, then try to explore it in harmony with him, but don't push the issue. It is a date, and they are supposed to be fun.
Good luck,
KC
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climbingbetty22
Mar 20, 2006, 5:57 PM
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Sounds like "Nice Guy Syndrome" to me...you know, when they really aren't that into you, but they don't want to feel guilty about hurting you/rejecting you, so they tell you this bullshit to string you along, thinking that they are "letting you down easy." This also saves them the guilt of feeling like that really jerky-guy they know who uses and abuses women. At any rate, its like a communism: a really nice idea in theory, but nearly impossible to prevent the preversion of it in practice.
I think you're right though, you shouldn't email him in the future. You aren't an after-thought and you are worth more than that. If he was truly interested, very little could stop him from initiating contact with you if he really wanted to see you again.
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mur
Mar 20, 2006, 5:57 PM
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In reply to: The other two times the guy never called back, and that was fine, because I have a philosophy that if a guy likes you, he will MAKE time.
I think you hit the nail on the head with that statement.
I hate to admit it, but I have played the old, "I am going to be busy for two weeks" card, and it's BS. It's a way to keep your hooks in someone, while not really letting them intrude on your life. You have been put on hold. I suggest you hang up.
The other guys just sounded too passive to be straight with you. Easier to just fade away, than actually deal with their feelings, or lack there of.
Blind dates, heh, you gotta love em.
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j_ung
Mar 20, 2006, 6:05 PM
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FOOLS! :P
Mac, it's the Swingers Effect. Allow me to explain.
Any man who has ever seen Swingers understands (and some of us intuitively!) that if you show too much interest at the very beginning, you risk being labeled a loser or stalker and written off. He's trying to guage how interested you are, that's all. But in the process, he's coming off as too disinterested. That's the Swingers Effect. I think you have blind dated a man who has yet to find the balance between honesty and patience.
E
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wjca
Mar 20, 2006, 6:05 PM
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I think I agree with what Dr. Phil, I mean rufus, said, although I'm not absolutely sure. He used a lot of big words that really have no place in community, so I'll need to read it a few more times.
In reply to: The other two times the guy never called back, and that was fine, because I have a philosophy that if a guy likes you, he will MAKE time.
This is true. It sounds like he's just not into you. He's probably a big closet 'mo. Move on to the next guy.
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maculated
Mar 20, 2006, 6:29 PM
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Jay, would that be "affect" as in - put on, or "effect" as in brings about change?
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madriver
Mar 20, 2006, 6:30 PM
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he's gay....
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caughtinside
Mar 20, 2006, 7:12 PM
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Well, it could go either way. I went on a date on Thursday, and I haven't called her back yet, even though I had a great time. St. Paddy's friday, some psycho 24 hour party in SF (don't ask) and crazy day at work today. If I remember before I pass out, I'll call her tonight.
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dirtineye
Mar 20, 2006, 7:29 PM
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I'm with Jay.
Show a girl you are interested in no uncertain terms, even if SHE hit on YOU first, (as in, touches you, gives her your phone number, says CALL ME!!!!) she's going to run most of the time.
You women have nobody to blame but yourselves for this.
Next time some guy is nice to you, if you like him, be nice back.
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digital0verdose
Mar 20, 2006, 7:37 PM
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:lol: Who knew the answer was so simple... apparently Mad.
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wjca
Mar 20, 2006, 8:07 PM
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In reply to: Jay, would that be "affect" as in - put on, or "effect" as in brings about change?
Ask her for some advise and she slams you're grammer. One wonder's if she displays such behavior on her date's.
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zozo
Mar 20, 2006, 8:08 PM
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That thought crossed my mind........
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squierbypetzl
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Mar 20, 2006, 8:52 PM
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I think that may be the best post Iīve ever seen from Rufus, not that I usually bother reading his posts anyway.... 8^)
(intended for all women, not just you Mac):
In reply to: You might try just enjoying these dates with zero expectation in mind. Be pleasant and easygoing, and give your date the chance to take it all in.
Good advice, your only expectation should be to have a good time (and make it happen, donīt wait for it).
In reply to: It is also wise that you realize that sex is most likely always going to be on your date's mind and that he might feel reluctant to be forthright about, for fear of offending you. If you sincerely like the person, but don't want to jump into a sexual situation, then be considerate and open about your feelings with friendly, tactful dialogue. Let him know that you understand human nature and that you might even entertain that thought, but that you need to let those things develop at their own pace.
Depends on the dude and the circumstances. Some guys will freak and get scared off, so youīll need to weigh the situation just right, but most confident malesīll take it in stride.
In reply to: If he truly likes you, then he will work with that. If not, then he isn't worth another thought. The key is to give him the chance to feel comfortable around you and be able to be himself.
Yes, to a degree. If he really liked you, then yeah heīll go the extra 5 miles to get another date, but not all 1st dates are mindbogglingly great (!), so if you felt anything, try a 2nd date to gauge both your and his responses.
In reply to: It is a date, and they are supposed to be fun.
Damn straight! WAY too many people donīt seem to get this tiny little detail.
In reply to: Sounds like "Nice Guy Syndrome" to me...you know, when they really aren't that into you, but they don't want to feel guilty about hurting you/rejecting you, so they tell you this s--- to string you along, thinking that they are "letting you down easy." This also saves them the guilt of feeling like that really jerky-guy they know who uses and abuses women. At any rate, its like a communism: a really nice idea in theory, but nearly impossible to prevent the preversion of it in practice.
That Nice Guy stuff doesnīt work for shit!! Sure, it might work for getting nice girls (or bad girls :twisted: ), but donīt try that fucking shit in real life! I got my damn nose broken this weekend because I tried to be a halfway decent nice guy.... (will inevitably post rant at a later date)
screw that
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organic
Mar 20, 2006, 8:56 PM
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Sometimes if guys string you along by actually going out with you then they might just be trying to keep you as a back-up, in that they have another love interest(maybe not dating but an interest). Next regardless of what guys say on here, if you go on two dates with a chick and she shows interest in another, email contact or phone contact is no big deal. On the dates did he pay? If a guy pays it is a good sign, where a mans money is there his heart is also. When people say they are too busy they do not mean that they are TOO BUSY. If I think a woman is pretty and intelligent I will find at least 15 minutes in one week to call or email her. His intermediary email thing is probably as you said kmac to assuage his guilty conscience.
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styndall
Mar 20, 2006, 9:07 PM
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In reply to: That Nice Guy stuff doesnīt work for s---!! Sure, it might work for getting nice girls (or bad girls :twisted: ), but donīt try that f---ing s--- in real life! I got my damn nose broken this weekend because I tried to be a halfway decent nice guy.... (will inevitably post rant at a later date) screw that
I definitely want to hear about this!
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climbs4fun
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Mar 20, 2006, 9:37 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: That Nice Guy stuff doesnīt work for s---!! Sure, it might work for getting nice girls (or bad girls :twisted: ), but donīt try that f---ing s--- in real life! I got my damn nose broken this weekend because I tried to be a halfway decent nice guy.... (will inevitably post rant at a later date) screw that I definitely want to hear about this!
I agree. Can't wait to hear this story.
Keep the comments coming guys. This is quite educational!
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vivalargo
Mar 20, 2006, 10:15 PM
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Fuck him, Mac. Wait till you find that hunk who is literally knocking your front door down to get at your hotness. Then make him beg to enter--and you're off to the races.
JL
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climbingbetty22
Mar 20, 2006, 11:22 PM
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In reply to: f--- him, Mac. Wait till you find that hunk who is literally knocking your front door down to get at your hotness. Then make him beg to enter--and you're off to the races. JL
Does this ever really happen? I have yet to experience this sort of thing...I seriously doubt that guys get this excited over a chick...or least normal chicks like myself- not the kind that appear in movies and stuff.
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slablizard
Mar 20, 2006, 11:53 PM
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Define normal
In reply to: In reply to: f--- him, Mac. Wait till you find that hunk who is literally knocking your front door down to get at your hotness. Then make him beg to enter--and you're off to the races. JL Does this ever really happen? I have yet to experience this sort of thing...I seriously doubt that guys get this excited over a chick...or least normal chicks like myself- not the kind that appear in movies and stuff. |
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gene723
Mar 21, 2006, 12:50 AM
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mac-,
I don't know you but I think that's really cool that you've been dating a professor (sort of). If he is young I bet he's fighting for tenure right now and maybe enamored by his personal projects. That must be really cool. Good luck on finding your guy. If you really feel interested in a guy I think you would still be a cool person if you were to take an active role in the whole dating scene. Some guys like girls more because they see that they care for them.
oh yea, if you end up marrying a professor - remember - and this is so important: TWEED JACKETS AND REPP TIES. TWEED JACKETS AND REPP TIES.
That is THE professor look. It is all about the "town and country" look and not the dark, black, "I"m a working prole" suit look. Girls don't know crap about men's clothes so I thought I'd drop a hint just in case you end up marrying the guy (no offense girls).
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colotopian
Mar 21, 2006, 1:41 AM
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In reply to: "The start of the quarter is always pretty hectic as well (he's a prof), so write me if I become a slacker and don't get around to writing you."
And you you want this to happen later? "Knock on my door if I forget to have sex with you this month."
In reply to: But what is the point of the intermediary email?"
My guesses are...
a. He's not that into you
b. He's heavily medicated
c. Somebody keeps saying supposebly instead of supposedly
7. He lives at home
XVII. He has an exhaust leak in his car
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timstich
Mar 21, 2006, 2:02 AM
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In reply to: f--- him, Mac. Wait till you find that hunk who is literally knocking your front door down to get at your hotness. Then make him beg to enter--and you're off to the races. JL
This more or less sums it up. I've had strings of dates that were like that, with no idea how you end up after the evening and no real clear indication of how to proceed...or not for that matter. Nine times out of ten they end up with some sort of tepid relationship that never lasts if they develop at all. So a hearty "fuck that" to the lot of 'em.
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maculated
Mar 21, 2006, 6:35 AM
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In reply to: Does this ever really happen? I have yet to experience this sort of thing...I seriously doubt that guys get this excited over a chick...or least normal chicks like myself- not the kind that appear in movies and stuff.
Ahh, don't lower your expectations so much, my dear. My best friend/climbing partner got a crush on a guy that lives in LA over a weekend skiing with him, told him, and he's now been DRIVING UP THE PAST two weeks, and TAKING OFF WORK to hang out with her. I am like, "Damn, this is the kind of stuff girls dream about and guys actually do that!" AND he's phenomenal in bed, too! Lordy!
Largo, that's basically my approach here - I don't need a dude, and I don't need a dude that puts me off for whatever excuse. I got "dumped" by a guy this summer who was stringing me along with ambiguity by telling me one night that he couldn't go to a party - he had to hang out with his "whatchamacallit." I have IMPECCABLY bad luck with dudes. I wouldn't even bother if I had not accepted this fact by now. :) I honestly agree he's probably got me as a backup.
Also, you know, Rufus and followers, you're falling into what is known as stereotype traps. Girls DO love to overanalyze dates after the fact, but no one takes it seriously that I know of. You know, I'll say something dorky on a date and be like, "Woah, probably not okay to say until he knows my personality" (and then think that's stupid as I say that stuff all the time and people still seem to like me) but it's not like, "He's not touching me, is he touching me? His fork is pointing at me, what's that mean? Does he like me?" I think I spend more time thinking about how he's cute and what I'd like to do to him if we got somewhere more private. The overanalysis comes later - like after you get fucked up emails from them. :)
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rockguide
Mar 21, 2006, 12:16 PM
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Ambiguous mixed messages used to confuse me, until I realized that no message is more clear than a mixed message.
Mixed messages mean "it" isn't there.
Stop. Drop. Roll.
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tradman
Mar 21, 2006, 12:29 PM
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Mac, have you considered asking him what he thinks and wants instead of asking us?
(not that we're not flattered)
:wink:
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maculated
Mar 21, 2006, 4:38 PM
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I did in a roundabout way. It pisses me off when people hide behind email so I just said he was sending mixed messages. No response, not that I expected one.
It's never been my policy to find these guys from the hole they're hiding in and ask them, "Why? WHY??" I am pretty sure that more than 75% of the time, it has nothing to do with me, so whatever.
:)
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irish_ice
Mar 21, 2006, 7:47 PM
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Mac, long time not chat. It's hard to get relationship advice because everyone does things and thinks differently. If you need/want clarity the best place to get it is straight from the horses mouth. My guess would be things just didn't click, guy obviously seems too preoccupied to have time for the kind of relationship you want/deserve, and he's got your number and your email. Relationships should be 50-50 and if it's starting out with you making all the effort, it's very doubtful that will change. If he made that much of an impact on you that you want to see him again, shoot him one last note telling him how you feel and that he knows how to get in touch with you, then move on (easier said than done, I know). There is nothing anyone can say that will make you understand because once you think you've got it figured out you'll meet a new guy and it will be a completely different deal, maybe better, maybe worse, but always different. Unfortunately we usually go through a lot of practice runs before we find what we didn't know we were looking for and you still won't understand everything he does! :wink:
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madriver
Mar 21, 2006, 7:56 PM
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...aren't relationships like a "Box of Chocolates"?
F. Gump
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climbingbetty22
Mar 22, 2006, 12:56 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: Does this ever really happen? I have yet to experience this sort of thing...I seriously doubt that guys get this excited over a chick...or least normal chicks like myself- not the kind that appear in movies and stuff. Ahh, don't lower your expectations so much, my dear. My best friend/climbing partner got a crush on a guy that lives in LA over a weekend skiing with him, told him, and he's now been DRIVING UP THE PAST two weeks, and TAKING OFF WORK to hang out with her. I am like, "Damn, this is the kind of stuff girls dream about and guys actually do that!" AND he's phenomenal in bed, too! Lordy!
I thought I had had that too....until we broke up. :cry: :wtf:
At any rate, I find your comment quite interesting given the number of guys, whom, earlier in this thread, confessed that when you like a girl, the best way to act is aloof intially and to not be too accessible, lest she get scared by a guy who is "too interested."
:boring: Different strokes for different folks I guess.
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caughtinside
Mar 22, 2006, 12:59 AM
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Different 'strokes' indeed! :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring:
I love wanking smiley.
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slobmonster
Mar 22, 2006, 4:43 AM
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In reply to: I love wanking |
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cindylou
Mar 22, 2006, 5:11 AM
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In reply to: Ambiguous mixed messages used to confuse me, until I realized that no message is more clear than a mixed message. Mixed messages mean "it" isn't there. Stop. Drop. Roll.
O wow, I just had an epiphany.
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jemco
Mar 25, 2006, 3:56 PM
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Mac (and others) I thought I would share some advice that my wife took way back when she was "interested" in me and I didn't know it. She asked her friend if she should call me and leave a message on my phone or if that was too "forward". Her friend noted, "if he can't handle you leaving a message on the phone than he certainly can't handle you" We are happily married and are expecting our first child in two months. The moral of this story is that you need to do what makes you feel right. Eventually, you will find the guy that can not only handle that, but will love you for it.
jemco
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