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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 8:59 AM
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People email them to me... I've been saving them for a special occasion.
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erica44
Sep 6, 2002, 12:38 PM
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This is a great post, some stuff I have never heard before.
as for my bashing, I don't have any, but I would like to say that there are cute guys, ugly, smart, dumb, tall short, fat, skinny, muscular guys, just as it is for the ladies.
We still luv ya anyways.
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 1:05 PM
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Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month.. and several years during menopause.. when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 3:10 PM
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You're right Erica.. and despite all my postings, I dont have anything against guys.. they have their uses..
[ This Message was edited by: pinnaclechick on 2002-09-06 08:10 ]
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fiend
Sep 6, 2002, 3:25 PM
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Use me baby!!!!!
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:26 PM
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okay, less about bashing, but still good ..
* IN CELEBRATION
* you were born a daughter.
* you looked up to your mother.
* you looked up to your father.
* you looked up to everyone.
* you wanted to be a princess.
* you wanted to own a horse.
* you wanted your brother to be a horse.
* you wanted to wear pink.
* you never wanted to wear pink.
* you wanted to be a veterinarian.
* you wanted to be president.
* you wanted to be the president's veterinarian.
* you were picked last for the team.
* you were the best one on the team.
* you refused to be on the team.
* you wanted to do well in algebra.
* you hid during algebra.
* you wanted boys to notice you.
* you were afraid the boys would notice you.
* you started to get acne.
* you started to get breasts.
* you started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
* you wouldn't wear a bra.
* you couldn't wait to wear a bra.
* you couldn't fit into a bra.
* you didn't like the way you looked.
* you didn't like the way your parents looked.
* you didn't want to grow up.
* you had your first best friend.
* you had your first date.
* you spent hours on the telephone.
* you got kissed.
* you got to kiss back.
* you went to the prom.
* you didn't go to the prom.
* you went to the prom with the wrong person.
* you spent hours on the telephone.
* you fell in love.
* you fell in love.
* you fell in love.
* you lost your best friend.
* you lost your other best friend.
* you really fell in love.
* you became a steady girlfriend.
* you became a significant other.
* you became significant to yourself.
* sooner or later, you start to take yourself seriously.
* you know when you need a break.
* you know when you need a rest.
* you know what to get worked up about, and what to get rid of.
* And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself to do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.
*you know it's never too late to live life. ..
* and never too late to change one.
* Because you are a *WOMAN*
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."-anonymous.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:30 PM
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MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
BECAUSE THEY ARE PLUGGED INTO A GENIUS
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking Spots.
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling Irons.
They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini Skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:33 PM
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WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can sleep your way to the top.
5. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
10. If you have to be home in time for Sex in the City, and you can say so out loud.
11. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
13. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
14. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
15. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
16. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
17. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
18. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
19. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
20. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
21. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
22. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her a__.
23. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
24. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
25. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
26. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
27. You have the ability to dress yourself.
28. You have an excuse to be a total b_tch at least once a month.
29. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
30. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
32. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
33. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
34. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
35. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
36. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
37. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
38. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:35 PM
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variation on the chemical analysis thing ..
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:37 PM
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A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"
"That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?" "That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:40 PM
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"I'm not bitter, just very wise"
- said to me by a very good (female) friend.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:41 PM
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"If more women were attracted to me such threads wouldn't exist."
- said to me by a very good male friend
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:44 PM
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"Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks."
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:45 PM
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and just for the record, i have several guy friends, and i understand that not all guys are jerks, blah blah blah .. actually, most of my friends are male .. which is how i've gained this wisdom, lol ..
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:50 PM
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:52 PM
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ok, ok .. one more then i'll stop (again)
Answering that age old question, "Why Didn't He Call?":
1) Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You
2)This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas in fact for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spray can while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)
3)So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment. This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life.
4)Women are puzzled by this, "I don't understand," they say, "We had such a great time Why doesn't he call?"
The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it.
[ This Message was edited by: clymbr_chk on 2002-09-06 08:54 ]
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 3:57 PM
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okay, more more .. "communicating with men .."
What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
blah,blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
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hangerlessbolt
Sep 6, 2002, 4:09 PM
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Rolling!!!
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 4:29 PM
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- What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
- Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
- What did God say after he created man?
- I can do better than this.
- How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
- We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
- How do men exercise at the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
- What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
- A hot dog and a six pack.
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spydermonkey
Sep 6, 2002, 5:09 PM
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Love it clymbr_chic!!!!!
spyder
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 5:11 PM
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Secret To Long Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once."
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 5:35 PM
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Seven bartenders were asked if they could nail a women's personality based on what she drinks. Though they were interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer.
Personality: Casual,low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks.
Personality: Flaky, whiny,annoying; a pain in the butt. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks.
Personality: Older, more refined,high maintenance,picky tastes, knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You don't have to approach her, if she is interested, she will send you a drink.
Drink: Wine. (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel.
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and
sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is, this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots.
Personality: Likes to hang with Frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk.....and naked. Your Approach: Easiest one in the place. You have been blessed this evening.Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad.
Drink: Tequila.
No explanation required - everyone
KNOWS what happens here.
Then there is the Male version of this. With guys it
is always simple and clear cut.
Domestic beer: He is poor and he wants to get laid.
Imported beer: He has some cash to spare and he wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a s--- about anything except getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the tattooed, toothless biker waitress from Oshawa.
White Zinfandel: He is gay. Very,very gay.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 5:45 PM
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"
He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I’m not a darn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. 'Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "hellooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 5:47 PM
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Another reason it's cool to be a chick..
This drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where’s the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that comes out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.” The drunk says, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!"
(laughing as I post this...hahaha)
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 5:48 PM
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Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Everytime I go to the john
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say Hi
And it's OK for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're IT
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
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