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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 8:04 PM
Post #101 of 977
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In reply to: *snip* Although I am only a 6th degree black belt in Trad, I will do my best to give it the answer it deserves. *snip* Allez Homard. Boltgun.
You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :?
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aikibujin
Jan 7, 2005, 8:33 PM
Post #102 of 977
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In reply to: You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :?
Shhhhh! You're giving away the secret of our art! It's not how hard you can climb, it's how hard you can spray. I lead 5.3s on toprope, but I spray like I freesolo 5.12s.
By the way, it's obvious that a pair of #2 stainless chopsticks stacked and tied off short is more bomber than the #5 cam in that flaring crack. What were you thinking?!
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sed
Jan 7, 2005, 8:37 PM
Post #103 of 977
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Hey NOOB, what is the essential style differences in answering the call of nature (both #1 and #2 the yuckie stuff) for the trad climber versus the sport climber. I only drop my drawers in a bathroom with 6 ply charmin close at hand. does that mean i can't be a hard trad dude?
p.s., your friggin hilarious.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 8:45 PM
Post #104 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :? Shhhhh! You're giving away the secret of our art! It's not how hard you can climb, it's how hard you can spray. I lead 5.3s on toprope, but I spray like I freesolo 5.12s. By the way, it's obvious that a pair of #2 stainless chopsticks stacked and tied off short is more bomber than the #5 cam in that flaring crack. What were you thinking?!
You're right ... fucked up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :(
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cracklover
Jan 7, 2005, 8:45 PM
Post #105 of 977
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Dear Mr. NOOB,
Some people who I climb at the gym with sometimes told me yesterday that they're going to do some "sport" climbing. Does that mean that the climbing I'm doing isn't a sport? Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something? If so, I think that might be fun! I'd like to go "sport" climbing with them! But somehow I think not, 'cause it sounded like they were talking about going outside. But, I mean, that can't be right, because I've never seen bars at the tops of cliffs outside like they have them at my gym.
I'm really afraid to ask the people, 'cause I know they'll make fun of me. You won't make fun of me for not knowing what "sport" climbing means, will you Mr. Noob?
Signed,
GI'llRaceYaToTheTopO
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dynosore
Jan 7, 2005, 8:55 PM
Post #106 of 977
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Registered: Jul 29, 2004
Posts: 1768
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Dear NOOB:
I've saved up $35.27 (including the 5 bucks I stole out of my mom's purse today) and would like to buy my first climbing shoes. I need shoes that will excel at overhanging sport, bouldering, face, crack, and slab climbing. They have to be comfortable enough for my 7 mile approach to my secret 5.5 project, and day glo orange or gold accents are highly desireable. Oh BTW I wear size 14 1/2 W and have hammer toe. I searched the site but couldn't find any shoe threads. Any help appreciated.
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aikibujin
Jan 7, 2005, 9:16 PM
Post #107 of 977
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In reply to: You're right ... f--- up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :(
Now no need to go that low. Let's just sit by this boulder, talk friendly, and have a bite of ham sandwitch, while making fun of these sport climbers trying to pull that horrendous looking 5.13 over on that overhanging mirror face.
But secretly, I know I can't pull a 5.13 in a million years. Not on a toprope. Not even with jumars. :cry: But I only cry about it when I could hide under my bed.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 9:29 PM
Post #108 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: You're right ... f--- up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :( Now no need to go that low. Let's just sit by this boulder, talk friendly, and have a bite of ham sandwitch, while making fun of these sport climbers trying to pull that horrendous looking 5.13 over on that overhanging mirror face. But secretly, I know I can't pull a 5.13 in a million years. Not on a toprope. Not even with jumars. :cry: But I only cry about it when I could hide under my bed.
If we do that, and wait until someone sees us, we'll be trad climbers!
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subtle
Jan 7, 2005, 10:24 PM
Post #109 of 977
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In reply to: Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something?
Sport climbing is very much a game...the question is, which game?
Chess - Right hand to sloper, check! Hmm, left foot to heel-hook, mate?
Checkers - The double jump is always a winner, especially in comps.
Dungeons & Dragons - Sticketh that sloper with your +5 Hand of Pimping, Sir Campus a Lot!
Monopoly - If you land on the wrong thing, you don't collect $200...but the emergency room might.
Scrabble - Have to come up with route names somehow..."Tonino '78", triple word score!
Battleship - You sank my onsight!
Jenga - Move the wrong thing at the wrong time, and stuff does indeed tumble down.
But the probable correct answer is Tic-Tac-Toe...you can never win, there's really no point, and yet you keep...on...playing it.
Allez. Yahtzee!
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oldsalt
Jan 7, 2005, 10:43 PM
Post #110 of 977
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Registered: Jan 19, 2004
Posts: 919
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In reply to: In reply to: Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something? Sport climbing is very much a game...the question is, which game? ...Tic-Tac-Toe...you can never win, there's really no point, and yet you keep...on...playing it.
And some wonder where Truth can be found.
Allez Luyah. Homard.
-----------------
How come Homard becomes Languistina when served in a thermidor? The bloody French are playing with our heads!
Edited for spelling, I think.
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melbatoast
Jan 8, 2005, 1:39 AM
Post #111 of 977
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Dear Ask the NOOb,
I just started climbing and I love it! I met this hot climber dude and we go cragging all the time. I mean really. All the time. Cuz he doesn't have a job or anything and I'm more than happy to call in sick to be with him. He's taught me so much already. Like how to belay really good. It's hard but he was really patient and just let me do it over and over again until it seems like I've got it. He hardly ever has to yell at me anymore. And I'm getting in such great shape from carrying the rope and rack everywhere - he was right, it's great training.
The problem is my family doesn't like him. How can I explain that the dirty, orange-beanied guy they see in the passenger seat of my car while I jump out to deliver their Christmas presents is really a sweet, profoundly spiritual man? He doesn't really mean anything negative by pounding the dashboard and yelling "COME ON ALREADY. You're wasting fucking time." It's just that he's sort of "evolved" past their everyday lives and only really feels at home at the crags. This materialistic sphere is just a major buzzkill for him. And I swear to god I don't mind letting him crash at my place, driving him around, and buying his pot, beer and food. I've gotten so much back in return that I feel like I owe him.
I know you're just a nOOb like me but you're a guy and you're obviously way into the vibe just like my rockstud, so maybe you can help me out. What should I tell my parents so they'll appreciate him like I do?
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subtle
Jan 8, 2005, 1:37 PM
Post #112 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: Dear NOOB: I've saved up $35.27 (including the 5 bucks I stole out of my mom's purse today) and would like to buy my first climbing shoes. I need shoes that will excel at overhanging sport, bouldering, face, crack, and slab climbing. They have to be comfortable enough for my 7 mile approach to my secret 5.5 project, and day glo orange or gold accents are highly desireable. Oh BTW I wear size 14 1/2 W and have hammer toe. I searched the site but couldn't find any shoe threads. Any help appreciated.
I know what you mean, brother, it's tough to get shoe advice...nobody likes to talk about it.
After looking through my personal collection of 14 pair and considering your fairly standard performance criteria, I think the ideal shoe for you would be the V15PMadpredadragontestasazi by Le Boeuf. It's a slipper with redundant laces and velcro, so you can totally tune the performace to work with whatever kind of jugs you're hauling at the moment. For '05, they've wrapped the toe and lace area with nubbly, claw-like hooking tentacles, to really help out with all that lace-smearing and toe-pimping everyone's doing on the classic V1- stuff these days. It's got Grimptastic K42 rubber, which reaches near glue-like adhesion between 47-51 degrees, although feels like kinda like butter and smells like...more butter...outside of that. The people at Le Boeuf custom make their shoes, so fitting them to you shouldn't be a problem, nor should your color selection. They cost about 375-400 euros a pair, but since all those foreigners love the American Dollar (Freedom Funds, brah!), I'm sure you can easily pick up a couple pair well within your budget.
...oh, don't forget to get the matching T-shirt and chalk bag. People will think you're sponsored. Rad, bro! Can I get your autograph?
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 8, 2005, 2:53 PM
Post #113 of 977
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In reply to: What should I tell my parents so they'll appreciate him like I do?
Ah, it's so heartwarming to see a beautiful and lasting relationship formed on the common bond of...crimping.
I think the only reasonable thing to do is have a honest, open, heart-to-heart talk with your parents about your hopes, dreams...and boyfriend's climbing goals for the season. It'll be much easier for them to understand the necessity for you to give up the partnership track at the law firm and the mid six-figure income if they realize that, he's like, totally going to get a chalk sponsor this year. How could you be so selfish as to materialistically cling to your house and group of loving neighbors and friends? I mean, as long as you have him, a 1972 VW Microbus is all the home you'll ever want...regardless of how many of his boys need to crash in the back to rest up from the 'sesh. Sleeping alone outside is fun, even when it rains.
Your parents will be so proud of you when you outline how you intend to draw down your trust fund to buy video gear and plane tickets to France to that you can fulfill your boyfriends artistic vision for Sloper Slapper VIIII - Font Freakout, Foshizzle!. They may weep with joy, or they may turn bright red with happines. Either could happen.
This is nothing compared with the support and encouragement you'll recieve when your boyfriend announces "Besides, you guys will always be part of our lives...I mean...who's going to watch our kids?"
It'll be a hallmark moment. I can feel it right now.
Can I be a bridesmaid? (Sniff, sniff...I always cry at weddings...)
Allez. Dirtbag. Homard.
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cintune
Jan 8, 2005, 7:48 PM
Post #114 of 977
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
Posts: 1293
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Dear NOOB,
I have no new messages.
I have no new email.
I have no friends online.
What's wrong with me? Please advise.
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melbatoast
Jan 8, 2005, 7:55 PM
Post #115 of 977
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Registered: Dec 24, 2003
Posts: 78
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nOOb, it's almost like you know him! And you can totally be a bridesmaid if I'm every so lucky as to marry him. He's kinda against the whole being tied down and a prisoner to society's conventions and stuff. It's just part of his free spirited, independent way that I love so much. It used to hurt my feelings when he spent so much time doing what I thought was trying to pick up other girls, but now that he's helped me understand that we're all just part of one big whole and it's important to tune in to the love whenever you can, I just try to ignore it. And I hardly ever put candy bars in the chics' gas tanks any more. How can they resist him? I know I can't!
But I swear, that comment about telling my parents they'll always have a babysitting gig? Were you there or something?? The funniest part is he doesn't even like kids! Somehow the universal love thing doesn't extend to other people's "brats." He says it's cuz the planet's already way stressed and he doesn't want to add to overpopulation, but he does make a face like he's smelling dirty diapers whenever there's kids around. It's wierd how a tight bivy with a bunch of smelly climbers doesn't phase him at all.
Anywayz, my biological clock is ticking away (I'm about 10 years older than my man, did I mention that?) and I reaally want to get married and start on a family soon. Maybe he'll propose when we're in France working on that chalk sponsorship... Gosh nOOb, is there anything I can do to make myself irresistible to him? I just know he'll be the best husband and dad in the world. I mean, the guy can crimp!!
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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 9, 2005, 9:35 AM
Post #116 of 977
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Registered: Sep 1, 2004
Posts: 2341
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: ....(Oh and do you think it's a good idea that his chopsticks are metal vs wood? I told him the metal ones could do some serious damage)
nOOb - although my question was not answered, i wanted to give an update as to my little_brother_aikibijukin (or however, he spells it)... as he is sleeping in my guest room unharmed (re: chopstick choice metal vs wood) from today's nighttime snowboarding - his problem was solved (somewhat)... he got sticky rice that was formed in the shape of a log rolled w/ unidentifiable yummy crunchy brown stuff in the middle; inside a clear plastic bag (like sushi before it's cut)... there wasn't a need for chopsticks... and since it was cold out, there was no need for its refridgeration...
hope the update can prove to be useful to others with similar chopstick/sushi dilema's....
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subtle
Jan 10, 2005, 3:33 PM
Post #117 of 977
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In reply to: I have no new messages. I have no new email. I have no friends online. What's wrong with me?
I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with you…although this does probably reflect on your climbing style.
If you were an Alpine climber, your friends LiteNFast, SixToesLeft and Twight4President would probably have sent you a bunch of PMs about chopping verglas bollards, weaving shoelace ropes to rap off the Death Needle pitch of Boognash IV as the temperature plummeted to -147 degrees…and drinking their own urine to stay alive on Day 27 without food after they’ve eaten Larry, the belayer. You can swap tips on good camp recipes for Larry Leftovers.
If you were a Trad climber, you’d have regular correspondence with 568PieceRack, BoltsSuck and RunOutNoDoubt, who would tend to reflect at length on seeing eagles while standing on tiny foot chips…errr…ledges, sitting on…ledges, and spreading out the fixin’s for a nice ham sandwich…on a ledge. You can swap tips on how to keep the eagles away from the pimento loaf.
If you were a sport climber, your boys ClipOrWhip, SponsrdDude and Five8HangDog would regale you with e-mails about the latest sesh, exchanging stories about outrageous 7 foot whippers, how best to stick clip up to the 4th bolt, and how long to wait between burns on a 5.9+ testpiece. You can swap tips on coordinating your outfits, too, since you all don’t want to show up at the crag in the same ¾ length flared Prana ninja pants…that could look…un-rad.
But it is fairly obvious that you are a boulderer. Boulderers are anti-social by nature, preferring to shun all human contact and live on a crashpad under the proj or on their parent’s couch in the basement. They typically have no skin on the tips of their fingers, so typing e-mails hurts…and besides…the computer’s like totally way over there, bro.
And, I mean, when’s the last time a boulderer had anything clever to say?
Allez. IM. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 11, 2005, 2:47 PM
Post #118 of 977
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In reply to: Gosh nOOb, is there anything I can do to make myself irresistible to him? I just know he'll be the best husband and dad in the world. I mean, the guy can crimp!!
There are many paths to attracting the male climber. The most obvious would be to saran-wrap yourself into some Prana-kini and flounce around waving some beef jerky and a DVD copy of Sloper Slapper X – Grimping Girls Gone Gonzo and yell “I need a booty spot!”. Cheap, but effective…like relationship ramen noodles…but hardly the sort of thing you want to build your future on. Based on all of the successful climber/climber relationships I’ve observed over the years…both of them…here’s the beta:
Show your man that you want to be not just a part of his life, but part of his climbing…perhaps start with the obvious things. Tell the world that you’re a team by buying matching beanies…preferably with his and hers nicknames embroidered on them. Nothing says ‘commitment’ better than being known as Mrs. Crimp Pimp. But why stop there? Buy the same shoes, especially if his are $175 ultra-rad uber-slippers that instantly give you toe gangrene and are only useful for V19 projects on 95 degree overhangs. Never, ever wear them…but proceed to style his V1- projects in your sandals and explain that you “Want to save your good shoes for when you get stronger and climb something hard”. He’ll likely get so choked up with happiness that he’ll walk away and kick a trashcan a few times with his mangled toe-nubs…which will cause tears of joy.
Don’t forget to share your happiness with others by bringing them into your social circle. Your boy will positively glare with joy when you tell him that you’re just going to “Chuck a quick lap on the V8 in the corner with the guys from Bishop…don’t worry…Manimal is going to spot me, he’s so burly!…keep working on your project! Those V1+ moves are hard. You’re totally almost pulling off the ground, sweetie!”
Ah, young love. You’re blessed.
Allez. Matrimony. Homard.
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jammer
Jan 11, 2005, 8:23 PM
Post #119 of 977
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Registered: Jun 25, 2002
Posts: 3472
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Dear Mr nOOb,
Do you write for TV?
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jakedatc
Jan 11, 2005, 8:53 PM
Post #120 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
Posts: 11054
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Dear nOOb
I was hiking the other day and behind the peak we summitted was a hidden jewel of a 10,000m peak (i know what you're thinking.. how did this go unnoticed for so long.. i think it's just shy)
Anyway.. i am very new to this alpine climbing stuff and am wondering what kind of gear.. clothing.. and of course, food of choice that i will need to buy, steal or "borrow" to ascend this mountain
being a sport climber myself i love the high performance gear.. do they make downturned super aggro crampons? my ExtraLyte 7.6mm rope should be fine right? it's not dry treated but i wont be climbing it in the rain so no worries.
i have lots of quickdraws..like 37g each.. totally sweet..(it's going to have bolts right?)
i hope you can help
-sportclymber
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subtle
Jan 13, 2005, 2:41 PM
Post #121 of 977
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In reply to: Do you write for TV?
Hmmm, you caught me. Yes, I have occasionally submitted some freelance work for TV, radio and...Infomercials. The one where Ron Popiel takes the V4-ish turkey out of the rotary oven by totally thrutching to the drumstick...that was mine. Other things you might have seen:
Season 3 - CSI: Bishop
A So-Cal boulderer is brought in to help the team solve a series of brutal decapitation crimes. "Whoa! We're looking for someone with rad sloper strength...I mean...that head is bad...no texure at all...and someone just yarded it right off his neck...that's so uncool". Jason Kehl stars as The Bad Guy With Rad Sloper Strength.
Episode 361 - Alf
Alf attempts a new free route on El Cap, only to fail when his -34 APE index prevents him from reaching any two consecutive holds. Alf proceeds to buy extra-long ice tools, increases his APE index to -2, and styles Dihedral Wall. Tommy Caldwell seen weeping in the background.
I'm putting together a DVD boxed set...should be ready by Christmas.
Allez. Homard.
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plund
Jan 13, 2005, 2:59 PM
Post #122 of 977
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Registered: Mar 6, 2003
Posts: 302
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Dear N00B -
I was fortunate enough to catch one of cinema's all-time classics - "Cliffhanger" - while indulging my hermit-like nature this past weekend. Before the overwhelming cinematic brilliance forced me to change channels (I'm very sensitive & couldn't stop retching), I was alarmed to see a harness buckle fail, resulting in the death of a hottie. My question is
this - my two harnesses are both over 2 years old. Should they be retired due to microcracks, or should I live dangerously?
On the edge of my seat in my cubicle, awaiting enlightenment....or at least a response!
Thanks just all to pieces......
PS - I've been looking for a bolt gun on ebay...any assistance greatly appreciated...
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subtle
Jan 13, 2005, 3:47 PM
Post #123 of 977
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In reply to: I was alarmed to see a harness buckle fail, resulting in the death of a hottie. My question is this - my two harnesses are both over 2 years old. Should they be retired due to microcracks, or should I live dangerously?
Climbing deaths are always sort of un-cool, but nothing tears me up inside like when a fictional 'hottie' is cut down in the prime of her imaginary life. Oh, the humanity...she could have played someone who cured cancer...or become President on some sort of made for TV mini-series.
Ok, pull it together, man...there's advice to be given.
If you can see any micro-cracks...well, you're obviously some sort of super hero with super vision and probable other super powers...flying, ability to fall long distances and bounce, etc...so I wouldn't worry about it. If this isn't the case, I'd suggest a redundant system of wearing both harnesses at all times...just to be sure. To prevent the shrapnel from your exploding harness from severing your rope, you should clearly double that up, too. Maybe throw in a stack of crash pads and some spotters, too. And a parachute.
The more I think about it, you're pretty much a goner. You'd better stay on the ground...and avoid standing on chairs and ladders. Also, tall shoes.
It's for the best.
Allez. Homard.
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plund
Jan 13, 2005, 7:15 PM
Post #124 of 977
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N00B said....If you can see any micro-cracks...well, you're obviously some sort of super hero with super vision and probable other super powers...flying, ability to fall long distances and bounce, etc...so I wouldn't worry about it. If this isn't the case, I'd suggest a redundant system of wearing both harnesses at all times...just to be sure. To prevent the shrapnel from your exploding harness from severing your rope, you should clearly double that up, too. Maybe throw in a stack of crash pads and some spotters, too. And a parachute.
Thanks, N00B!! It's kinda cold & icy here in the flatlands; I'll make sure I double-harness-up before I walk outside. Can't be too careful...wouldn't want to deck on the way to my car...
My apologies for / edited due to my lack of computer skills...
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melbatoast
Jan 14, 2005, 4:58 AM
Post #125 of 977
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Registered: Dec 24, 2003
Posts: 78
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In reply to: There are many paths to attracting the male climber. The most obvious would be to saran-wrap yourself into some Prana-kini and flounce around waving some beef jerky and a DVD copy of Sloper Slapper X – Grimping Girls Gone Gonzo and yell “I need a booty spot!”.
nOOb! Again I ask -- were you there???? Obvious and cheap are my middle names. To make it even more special I quit shaving my legs and underarms a couple weeks before. I even got one of those temporary tattoos for my lower back (hate needles). Luckily, I'm already flatchested so I didn't have to go through a painful and expensive breast reduction or anything like that. And the nookie was great. Truly awesome. But then I got to thinking as he was snoring away on my nice level chest....Dude, is this any way for someone's mother to act? I mean, here I am, wanting to make a baby and I'm wearing Saran Wrap for god's sake. And I have beef jerky stuck in my teeth and the climbing shoes he likes me to wear when we do it are really cramping my toes...
So it hit me, nOOb. What the hell do I want a baby for anyway? Fug dat! And that Manimal guy from Bishop is nice and burly and seems kinda interested in case this thing doesn't work out....
Thanks, buddy. You're good. You helped me realize I'm just not ready for hiz and herz beanies and the whole Mommy bit. There's a whole bunch of ham sammiches left to sample if you know what I mean (wink, wink).
Allez Cuisine.
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