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bear829
Oct 3, 2006, 11:04 PM
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Do any of you have non-climbing boyfriends that are very overprotective of you and doesn't really like the idea of you climbing? Mine is. I think he's over reacting on some of it. I know that he isn't the kind of guy to even try it and I'm not going to make him come with me, and I also know that he has a great fear of heights and falling. I know that him not liking heights is projecting itself unto my situation. How do you guys deal with it, if at all? It doesn't seem to help it when I tell him that I won't tell him when I go and start to trad. I don't even want to know what he is going to think of me wanting to climb High E in the Gunks and El Cap before I die. I think he might have a heart attack.
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htotsu
Oct 4, 2006, 12:31 AM
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When you say he doesn't "like the idea" do you just mean he's worried you'll get hurt? How exactly does he express his not "liking the idea" to you?
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lhwang
Oct 4, 2006, 1:23 AM
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minor hijack... High Exposure rocks. Go do it... who cares what the boy thinks.
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seanhabgood
Oct 4, 2006, 4:51 PM
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He needs to get over it. You can't give up something that is important to you. Try talking it out. Every one has something they do apart ie watching football for you climbing. Sean
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bear829
Oct 4, 2006, 6:17 PM
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He's not telling me that he wants me to give it up. He's not the kind of guy to do that. He's just saying that he doesn't like the idea of me being attached to a tiny rope with small aparatus(sp) on the face of a cliff hundreds of feet off the ground. He hates heights and I guess he just fears that I am going to fall to my death or something.
I have decided that when I go climbing, I won't tell him until after I get home from said trip. He might be mad that I didn't tell him, but at least then, he won't be as worried that I will deck or anything.
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htotsu
Oct 5, 2006, 3:12 AM
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OK, this is why I wanted to know exactly what he is doing to express to you that he doesn't like the idea of you climbing.
So when you do go he gets, what, sad? scared? pissy? angry? whiny? Does he try to talk you out of it? make you feel guilty about going? try to convince you to do something with him instead?
Hard to really say without knowing more, because he could just be worried (not too crazy a worry, really - it's not like climbing's not dangerous) or he could be an emotionally manipulative selfish ass who cares more about (subtly or not-so-subtly) controlling what you do and don't do, and making you feel that you should have his approval.
In either case, if you start hiding your climbing from him, you're asking for trouble. Deception, lying, hiding - not so promising in a relationship. If you have to hide it that means something's wrong - what's next? What else will you have to hide if he doesn't like it? (And how, exactly, do you hide a weekend trip to Squamish? Oh, I was out shopping, honey... ignore these rope burns. And by the way, these are not the droids you are looking for.)
(editing to say I just reread and saw that you would hide your whereabouts until after the trip, then say where you were. Still a bad idea to be lying about where you are - that will only make him lose trust in you, and perhaps think you are cheating with a guy instead of a rock. Also, shouldn't a serious boyfriend have info on where you are in case something does happen? Do you really want to be with a guy you can't trust with that information?)
Worry is reasonable. Guilt trips and condemnation are not. Big difference. If this is supposed to be serious between you two, and by serious I mean healthy and with any thread of possibility for long-termedness, there are two options: 1) he has to get used to the idea of you climbing and drop the condemnation, or 2) you have to drop him. Period.
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grampacharlie
Oct 5, 2006, 4:01 PM
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I would have to agree with htotsu. If you cannot be completely honest wth this guy about where you're going and what you're doing, then there is little hope for a healthy relationship.
I think a big part of fear comes from lack of understanding/knowledge. If he knew what it is you like about climbing, how the equiptment works, Blah blah blah, it might releive a little of his anxiety about climbing.
But if you continue to hide this part of your life, or tiptoe around the topic, it will only breed resentment.
Talk with him and find out just how far each of you is willing to go to understand the other, and what compramises you are both willing to make.
mike.
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bear829
Oct 7, 2006, 3:45 PM
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I talked to him about it last night. He told me that I can tell him that I am going climbing just as long as I don't tell him how high off the ground I am going to be. :lol: I explained all the gear, how it works, and that its perfectly fine. He has no intention to tell me that he wants me to stop. Definately a good thing. I told him that if he ever wants me to stop climbing that he would have to stop playing video games. He got a depressed look in his eyes and said that he won't ever ask me to stop. :roll:
Thanks for the advice.
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htotsu
Oct 7, 2006, 8:24 PM
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Now THAT sounds like a plan.
It's a good thing he's a video game player :wink:
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unabonger
Nov 2, 2006, 11:16 PM
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In reply to: I talked to him about it last night. He told me that I can tell him that I am going climbing just as long as I don't tell him how high off the ground I am going to be. :lol: I explained all the gear, how it works, and that its perfectly fine
Perfectly fine? Hmm.
Did you also tell him that even though you know all about the gear, have all the requisite knowledge, it will never be SAFE compared to the alternative (not climbing at all)? That highly experienced climbers sometimes blow it and die?
And that you accept that risk knowingly, you don't deny its existence, but you still won't stop?
I guess my point is, don't deny the risk to your loved ones--and most importantly to yourself.
UB
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bear829
Nov 3, 2006, 11:44 PM
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He knows all of that. That's the reason he doesn't like the idea of the climbing. I didn't mean that the gear is always perfect. Gear is made and used by humans, and as humans it is known that we aren't perfect. The only thing that I can do to make him feel better about me climbing, is to be as careful as I can and to take inconsideration every risk that comes with it. Climbing isn't something that I can give up completely. I have cut back though. And I know that he wouldn't ask me to choose between him and climbing. He likes me for what I am, now. Not what he can make me.
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shoshiblanco
Nov 10, 2006, 8:08 PM
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My husband is a non-climber. He gets a little freaked out about the dangers involved but he's also a bike rider and knows that there is danger involved in that too. But he has gone a long way to accept and support me in this passion. He's come along on some climbs just to be there. The first time was hard for him to watch but he really cheers me on and it's nice to have him there.
It sounds like your guy is also supportive. I bet when you come back home after one of your dream climbs he'll be really proud of you, rather than just relieved.
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jaema
Nov 14, 2006, 5:39 AM
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My father and I are gym rats, but when we went to squamish, he was having heart attacks. He's afraid of heights himself, and was setting unreasonable boundries for the cliffs. (thinks I'm fearless -I'm NOT.) Said it was perfectly ok with him if I did go climbing at Squamish, he just didn't want to watch. Of course, if I died, he might as well commit suicide, becase my mother would kill him.
I am pretty confident I'm not going to be walking off any of those cliffs (not without a rope attached anyways), but I think there must be some sort of paranoia with loved ones who are scared for heights and climbing. Not just boyfriends...
btw, I doubt I could stand a non-climber boyfriend... just wouldn't be any fun 
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