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tal
Apr 23, 2004, 1:42 AM
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well see i have this problem,
my climbing partner happens to be my boyfriend, and we started climbing together been together for 3 years blah blah blah..
i'm a really shy person, and hes been going with his guy friends alot and i feel in the way, cause they are kinda close knit, and i feel like i'm following my boyfriend everywhere.
i'm kinda a young, getting slowly experanced climber, and shy :oops: any suggestions you could give to help with shyness/finding a new partner/not feeling so weird would be crazy great
thanks
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girlclimb
Apr 23, 2004, 1:59 AM
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Hey,
I don't know if i would call myself shy but when it comes to asking people to take me out i deffinatly know how you feel. My problem is I don't have a car or a crash pad and most of the guys i want to ask are climbing a lot harder grades then me ... so when i feel like asking i feel like i am asking someone if they want to go out to dinner but at there house and them cooking. It took me a long time to feel like I climbed good enough to ask I still havve a hard time with it sometimes... but when i did started asking i was suprised at how people were happy to take me out and it didn't really matter to them how hard climbed just that I loved to climb.
See if your boyfreind knows any girls that are into climbing i know alot of people are in the same boat as you believe it or not they might be just as shy as you so someone has got to ask first. Don't be afraid to ask the worst that can happen is they don't go climbing wich is where you are in the first place the best is you get a climbing partner!!! GOOD LUCK!
sorry if I am no help :)
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holdplease2
Apr 23, 2004, 4:13 AM
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Hey:
So my story isn't quite like yours (no boyfriend/climbing issue), but I do have serious anxiety issues with people...and it impacted my ability to find climbing friends...
When I first started climbing, I didn't know anybody that climbed. It was totally terrifying to go to the gym. Sometimes I would go all the way there, look in, see all of the good climbers, and turn around and walk out, even though I had looked forward to climbing all day. And sometimes traveled awhile to get there.
Because I lived in Chicago, all outdoor climbing involved road trips. Nearest climbs are 4-8 hours away. It was even more upsetting to try to get to the point that I could be included in these trips. I didn't know enough to be invited.
However, I eventually figured out that even if you can't really contribute to the climbing at first, you can still contribute. In almost every group, there is someone that likes to teach noobs. Find that person, and having you there will make their day.
After a while I fell in with a little group and things got much easier. No boyfriend required. It took some serious positive self-talk and the occasional social disaster, but after a few months, things fell into place.
Now I know enough to be self sufficient at the crag, and even though I supposedly have "generalized anxiety disorder" which really gets in the way, my climbing is strong enough that I feel that it compensates enough and I can walk up to about any group at a crag I and feel OK. This is about my only comfort zone.
So maybe set a goal to know your climbing shit. Perhaps set a goal to talk to one new climber every week or two. Next thing you know, you will be self sufficient and can climb with our without your boyfriend...it will be your choice at that point.
And the progress you make with your climbing life may overflow into the rest of your life and maybe help you be more confident and less shy. The only thing wrong with being shy is if it makes you unhappy, by the way. There tons of people who love to get to know folks who are maybe shy or in other ways hard to get to know. It takes all kinds, to be sure.
Just some thoughts, best of luck to you.
-Kate.
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maculated
Apr 23, 2004, 11:41 PM
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Kate's recommendations are awesome. For those of you who know me, this will come as an utter shock:
I used to be really, really shy and sensitive. I'm becoming more and more aware of it as I get up in front of strangers and lecture classes with ease, because I remember being the one who sat in the back of class and never said anything.
The key to overcoming shyness is to know you've got something to contribute and that people will appreciate this. Kate's idea about really knowing your climbing stuff is a good one.
Nothing's going to change your outlook until you realize the value you have, but in the meantime, follow her advice, it's great.
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jonf
Apr 24, 2004, 11:29 PM
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I've taken a number of girls out climbing before and have observed some girls out climbing, so thats about the extent of my experience with this.
I've found that many girls feel very intimidated as beginners, they dislike climbing in front of many other climbers, and are afraid to try a boulder problem or TR thats above their limit.
In many cases i think a lot of this comes from the girl not seeing herself as a climber, and just as much of a climber as anybody else out there regardless of experience. The girls I took climbing, no matter how often we went, always veiwed themselves as someone being taken out climbing by a climber, not as a climber going out climbing with a fellow climber. Guys tend to make the transition to seeing themselves as climbers more quickly and easily.
So if you truly love climbing, your first step must be to see yourself as a climber.
Then in order to have everybody else treat and respect you as you want you need to have them see you as a climber also. I feel the path to this can be boiled down to two key steps. Being friendly, and putting forth effort. My dad (a climber of 30-something years) told me this when i first started climbing, but i didnt fully believe him till i experienced it for myslef.
-The being friendly part is pretty obvious, just talk to people when at the cliff or gym, be nice, be encouraging, present yourself as a nice person whos happy they are out climbing.
- The putting forth effort kinda encompasses a number of things. The overall goal is to show that climbing is an important part of your life and who you are. Climbers are very passionate about climbing and like to see others with that same amount of passion. Showing up at the cliff often is a way of putting forth effort, people will start to take notice if they keep seeing you everyweekend. If you're bouldering with some climbers that are better than you and they are working a problem above your level hop on it anyway when they say its your turn. Sure you may not make the first move, but as long as you dont get angry and frustrated, but continue to try to move and work to make progress on it climbers will react very possitively to it. Girlclimb's stroy about asking people to go climbing was a good example, even though she felt uncomfortable she asked if she could join them, and they probably gained more respect for her because they saw that she was putting some effort into trying to get out climbing.
I think if you try hard to accomplish those 2 things climbers will see you as their equal. Climbing abiltiy and experience are not really that important...its more about heart.
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willingspirit
Apr 29, 2004, 11:52 PM
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Wow, Kate,
Sounded like you were describing me! I started climbing in the gym over the winter in a climbing class. I felt like a loser the very first day when it turned out that I was the only one who had signed up for the class alone (everyone else had a friend). But over the weeks, there was always some people who didn't show and that left someone free to belay me. I also was the worst in the class...took me several weeks to get to the top of the easiest route.
I started going an extra day or two per week to try to progress faster. I always wound up traversing, though. I was too scared to approach the good climbers to ask to join them. I figured they didn't want some bad climber that they didn't know ruining their fun.
The days when I'd go and turn around an leave is the times when our gym is crawling with kids. They run around and hog all the easy walls, and generally leave me nothing to traverse on.
I'm gradually getting to know some people who climb regularly outside of the class. Sometimes they invite me to join them. I've also met a some other older women who gave me their phone numbers, but they don't seem to be very reliable in calling me back.
I just took 2 days of climbing lessons outside...my first outside experience. I'd like to do more. My dilemma is several fold...
1. Crazy job schedule limits available climbing time
2. Still too nervous to ask people if I can go with them. I struggled (and I mean struggled, with constant verbal coaching from the instructor) to get up a 5.3. What group of experineced climbers (becuase I'd have to have experienced climbers to set up anchors, etc) would want to cut back on their climbing to accomodate someone still learning? (Say thay want to do a multipitch 5.9, I could belay the first pitch but it would stop there. Then they'd be stuck climbing up the 5.3 to set a toprope or lead for me and they'd have to tell me every move...who'd want to do that other than a paid instructor???)
3. Still cant climb in the gym when there's a scout group or party going on
4. How to get self sufficient outdoors when I still need to go with people
And jonf, at what point will I be able to consider myself a climber, rather than someone who is struggling to learn to climb? I see myself more as an aspiring a climber rather than as an actual climber.
Thanks!
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schooligan
May 3, 2004, 7:19 PM
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I read these posts and realize that I am thankfully not alone in my sometimes anxiety with climbing. I have been climbing steadily for about a year. I was lucky that I started climbing with my best female friend and that helped a lot. THe thought of walking into our local gym alone filled me with a fantastic terror never felt before. I have way less anxiety about actually climbing than about what the other climbers think of me. Admittedly, our local gym is not the friendliest place for a newcomer. It's pretty male-dominated and run by people who are not overly friendly. After about 6 months, I hooked up with a solid group of climbers who I now consider some of my closest friends. It was tough, but looking for people who come to the gym alone and can usually use a belay is how I managed to meet my current climbing partners. Still, it took the better part of a year before I could walk comfortably into the gym and not worry about who was there or what people would think. Currently I am working on overcoming my crag anxiety...
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moabbeth
May 4, 2004, 2:12 AM
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In reply to: And jonf, at what point will I be able to consider myself a climber, rather than someone who is struggling to learn to climb? I see myself more as an aspiring a climber rather than as an actual climber.
You climb. You're not aspiring to anything, you're doing it. You're still learning, but you are DOING it. Think of yourself as a climber and the confidence will follow. Belief in yourself can sometimes go a lot further than others' beliefs in you.
And that added self confidence in your climbing will probably also translate into more confidence in general with climbing and could help alleviate some shyness issues.
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jonf
May 4, 2004, 4:46 AM
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Registered: Dec 29, 2002
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beth's right.
A beginner climber, moderate climber, experienced climber are ALL climbers.
Theres no point you have to reach to be able to see yourself as a climber, just when ever you decide it for yourself. If it doesnt feel like its happened yet then it just takes some time.
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tal
May 6, 2004, 1:28 AM
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Registered: Apr 5, 2004
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i think that talking, well i guess writing helps. i like the reasurance that i'm not the only one :) and that it is going to take some time to actually feel like i am a climber
it is geting better though, just going out side on sunny days to popular climbing places, with a friend that wants to go hiking was a positive experance :)
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