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subtle
Oct 11, 2005, 11:39 PM
Post #601 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: Any other pressing issues we should know about? I just want to be sure that I'm expressing myself like everyone else does!
Ok, here's some things...
- Sport and Trad climbers are just now catching on to Serenity, but boulderers were hip to Firefly about a year ago. At all of the hep-cat locals-only sesh's, people are already saying 'shiny' instead of 'rad' or 'dope' when someone sticks an ill move, yo.
- Everybody listens to Phish, obviously, because it's genius...and the edgy, rad people listen to Mr. Bungle...but the full-on freak-job uber-Pimpmeisters listen to Rasputina. You think Jason Kehl got like that with some Abba 8-tracks? Ahhhhh, no.
- Peanut butter is the new hotness, but fear not Swineophiles, Ham is here to stay. Why? Like Rasputina and Firefly, Peanut butter is being hyped by the 17 year old bouldering crowd. Pretty soon there'll be Urban Crimper photo shoots with Ivan Greene pitching off some Gunks desperate onto a crashpad made of Reese's Peanut Butter cups while being quasi-spotted by a lingere-wearing supermodel named Inara. This...may...bother some people...and we call those people Trad Climbers. They'll never switch to Peanut Butter, out of spite, mostly...and legitimate fears that they won't look as good in a $300 Versace tank top.
Allez. Fahng-tzong fung-kwong duh jeh! Homard.
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subtle
Oct 13, 2005, 1:52 AM
Post #602 of 977
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In reply to: The winter is clearly upon us.. with temps dropped to nearly 78 degrees today there will be snow here in the Northeast in a matter of days for sure. So.. what is a sport climber like myself supposed to do?? I think ive become allergic to Plastic due to an increase in prices at the local plasticwallclimberplace. Anyway, i was thinking.... wait for it... wait... ICE climbing!!! what do you think?? Now, i have a few concerns...
You have concerns? Concerns? Bro, I have concerns...you have an imminent date with hideous snarling peril and nearly certain mangulation...
Ok, so just to review...there's this dangling icicle that sort of looks like a giant razor dagger just chock full of stab-osity...and you look at that and go...man, I'd totally like to chill out under that for a while...maybe climb up to it and, y'know, hang off it a little...yank real hard and see if I can dislodge it onto me or my belayer. Oh, I know, I'd absolutely better bring some pointy steel ice axes along, which I will sharpen up until I can whittle diamonds with them...then I'll flail my arms around all crazy-style when I ditch onto my 8.2MM single rope...what's the worst that could happen? Chances are my belayer has frostbite on...oh, I dunno...all of his fingers and has lost feeling below his elbows since I've been hangdogging the proj for about three hours, so his catch might be a trifle looser than usual. By 'looser' I mean 'deckalicious'...but the snow is pretty soft, where it covers the rocks. It'll be fine, dude.
I mean, you probably don't even have to worry about any of this, since chances are you'll get eaten by bears on the approach. They can smell peanut butter a mile away, y'know...sometimes two miles.
Allez. The Ice season down here in Texas is...brief. Homard.
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shanz
Oct 15, 2005, 12:31 AM
Post #603 of 977
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Registered: May 18, 2004
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Do vegans trad climb and if so how do they get their send on if they dont eat ham sandwhiches
mind boggling!!!!!
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lichenmuncher
Oct 15, 2005, 2:18 AM
Post #604 of 977
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Registered: Jun 24, 2004
Posts: 54
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STFU noobs
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lewisiarediviva
Oct 15, 2005, 2:32 AM
Post #605 of 977
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Registered: Aug 1, 2004
Posts: 527
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In reply to: C'mon, fess up...you totally have a pita knife clipped to your harness....
Wow, what a great idea!
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subtle
Oct 16, 2005, 8:46 PM
Post #606 of 977
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In reply to: Do vegans trad climb and if so how do they get their send on if they dont eat ham sandwhiches mind boggling!!!!!
This is a really good question...and extremely difficult to answer within the confines of current climbing theory and practice...so, much like Newton, Copernicus, Maynard James Keenan and...that creepy robot Hawking guy...I shall have to voyage deep within my mind to craft a unifying quantum theory to explain this...inexplicable phenomenon.
First, it should be noted, I am not a Trad climber and never have been. This allows me to observe them with detached clinical objectivity, as though they were jug hauling protozoans or...ahem, Gorillas on the Schist, if you will. I generally prefer not to observe Vegans, since they are always waving a bunch of wheat grass in your face and reminding you that your bacon cheeseburger is murder. I like my murder medium-rare with swiss, personally.
Superficially, if there were Vegan trad climbers in the general population, they should stick out like a sore thumb. Your sterotypical Traddie does not lack for nourishment, sun exposure or sleep...so spotting an edgy, pale-white 112lb guy brandishing tofu-tongs shouldn't be that hard, right? There is a notable lack of photographic proof, though...very suspicious. I mean, shouldn't there be some random blurry 7.2 rated shot of, say, Dingus lolling about in front of a campfire with an unexplained, partially consumed package of free-range alfalfa sprouts partially visible behind a log in the background? Who's oatey bar is that?
Nobody knows...
I suspect a vast conspiracy...a secret alliance between an alien...errr...vegalian...race and the military/industrial/soy complex. A pact has been forged, a plan set in motion...
...that, or there...ummm...are no Vegan trad climbers.
Allez. The Truth is Out There. Homard.
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brent_e
Oct 16, 2005, 11:58 PM
Post #607 of 977
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Registered: Dec 15, 2004
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Hi Noob...sir,
I actually went bouldering today, and although I pulled a flake up into my face on the slab proj I am trying to send (it's a little slick cuz of blood...so V0+), I want to keep at it. My question is this: will Merkaba help me send?
Thank you
Brent
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subtle
Oct 17, 2005, 2:09 AM
Post #608 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I actually went bouldering today, and although I pulled a flake up into my face on the slab proj I am trying to send (it's a little slick cuz of blood...so V0+), I want to keep at it. My question is this: will Merkaba help me send?
That's a fairly subjective question...and the stock answer from any fan worth their Salival DVD is that there is no bad Tool song to do anything to, ever, under any circumstances. As a matter of fact, most of the early Ask The NOOB stuff was written while listening to Aenima. I have since realized that each problem, in addition to having a hidden sequence of moves to be unlocked...also has a hidden song that goes well with those moves. I don't know what sort of a problem suits Merkaba, but I'm damn sure not climbing on it, whatever it is. After a quick re-listen to the song, I assume it'd have to be a crimpy horrorshow full of huge gaston lock offs to perverse contortionist reverse figure-four finger jam dynos...over a bad landing full of three day old squid and scorpions with nunchuks...while being spotted by an evil clown with a cow skull for a head.
Yeah...not getting on that. No sir.
Allez. That is exactly why I don't climb outside. Homard.
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deltav
Oct 17, 2005, 4:02 PM
Post #609 of 977
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Registered: Sep 29, 2005
Posts: 597
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Dear NooB:
I have been working on this killer 5.6 chimney for about a year now, but the crux keeps kickin my ass. If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send?
Thanks
rOckjOck69
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jakedatc
Oct 17, 2005, 4:50 PM
Post #610 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
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In reply to: Dear NooB: I have been working on this killer 5.6 chimney for about a year now, but the crux keeps kickin my ass. If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send? Thanks rOckjOck69
You think you can get better advice from some magazine than in the Ask the NOOB thread? :shock:
NON BELIEVER!!!!
hopefully.. you will see where you took a wrong turn in your wandering approach trail of life and find the proper rock stair way to the overhanging goodness of Ask the NOOB enlightenment. If not... may Dinojesus have mercy on your weaksauce crimp steezos.
allez. What would Dinojesus do :?:
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subtle
Oct 18, 2005, 1:54 AM
Post #611 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send?
Oh, absolutely brah...especially if you get a lifetime subscription. You'll get all the latest news from about three months ago about all the radge ish sends going down, articles for training and shoe purchase advice, and...ummm...the occasional sweaty 'n accidentally revealing photo of Hott Climber Chixx for...errr, inspiration. Just, y'know, don't blow a tendon or anything.
The best thing is, once you're about ten or twenty years deep into your subscription you'll have like 9,736 mags mouldering away in your parent's basement. If you stack those bad boys up under the proj, brah, you'll totally be able to reach the finish jug. When asked what the hell you're doing perched atop your teetering tower of Bouldering Book Babel, look your questioner in the eye and respond simply, "Never seen a cheater stone before, brah?"
Allez. Leave in the subscription cards for extra height. Homard.
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maimed
Oct 18, 2005, 3:29 AM
Post #612 of 977
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Registered: Apr 9, 2005
Posts: 104
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Oh sage Noob!
You, like me, may have read Eiger Dreams or The White Spider and been filled with fear and trembling, but I don't think anything can really prepare one for the unspeakable horror of http://www.nordwand.at
Courir et se cacher HOMARD!
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shanedms
Oct 19, 2005, 4:26 PM
Post #613 of 977
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Registered: Mar 23, 2005
Posts: 39
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NOOB
As an ex- New England Boulderer maybe you can help me. Since I moved up here I've noticed that while working any proj I have at least thirteen entire species of insects sucking my blood. Now, if I could induce them to all beat their wings in unison, I'm sure the extra lift would allow me to send some sic...um, wicked proj. Know any mosquito mind control tricks? Should I earn their respect, or rule through fear?
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rabbit1
Oct 19, 2005, 10:52 PM
Post #614 of 977
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Registered: Jul 24, 2005
Posts: 24
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www.nordwand.at
(whispering) the horror...............the horror...........
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subtle
Oct 20, 2005, 5:27 AM
Post #615 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Oh sage Noob! You, like me, may have read Eiger Dreams or The White Spider and been filled with fear and trembling, but I don't think anything can really prepare one for the unspeakable horror of http://www.nordwand.at Courir et se cacher HOMARD!
...wow...wow. I'd sooner gun hoe-tze bee dio-se than click on that link ever again. I was fully expecting some 284 page online album chock full 'o endless "Look at my pristine yet highly derivative yak standing in front of a mountain photos taken at basecamp before getting closed out by weather for nine weeks...you should have seen my beard, yo!" images. I was dreading the link...I was fully playa-hating on the link...but I must confess I was totally unprepared for what lay...
BEYOND THE LINK! (cue scary music...wait...it is scary music)
Frankly, I can neither condone or support clicking on the above link, and we here at Ask The NOOB would ask that we all just pretend it doesn't exist and try to get on with our lives...such as they are...now...in the aftermath...
Allez. It's all ruined. Homard.
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freeskicolorado
Oct 23, 2005, 6:21 PM
Post #616 of 977
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Registered: Apr 19, 2004
Posts: 174
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Dear N00b,
Maybe this has already been covered, but I need musical advice. Surely listening to the proper tunes before getting to the crag would up my sending abilities? For example, would a little Snoop Doggy Dogg help me get that elusive send of the juggy madness of Leggo My Prana (V0-)? Perhaps Jimi Hendrix would get me up the nasty trad testpiece Epics & Ham (5.4+)?
Your wisdom is needed!
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subtle
Oct 24, 2005, 12:00 AM
Post #617 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I've noticed that while working any proj I have at least thirteen entire species of insects sucking my blood. Now, if I could induce them to all beat their wings in unison, I'm sure the extra lift would allow me to send some sic...um, wicked proj. Know any mosquito mind control tricks? Should I earn their respect, or rule through fear?
Oh brother, you totally don't want that. In addition to instantly getting called on a lift-assist bug dab by your boyz, getting intentionally bitten by more than one New England mosquito...aka, the State Bird of New Hampshire...is really tempting fate. You can slather on all the 200% DEET you want, brah, but just wait until some Starship Troopers insecto-freakazoid crawls out of the Pawtuckaway pond and carries off your spotter. I mean, you've seen Alien vs. Predator, right? How do you think you'd do in Alien vs. Predator vs. Starship Trooper Insecto-Frekazoid vs. shanedms?
Not so well, I'm thinking.
Allez. $5 on Predator...sorry dude. Homard.
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booger
Oct 24, 2005, 11:22 AM
Post #618 of 977
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Registered: May 23, 2003
Posts: 1163
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Noob,
While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm?
I am also thinking about piercing my nipple with a biner. Would I have to climb sport if I did that?
Taz
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heiko
Oct 24, 2005, 11:54 AM
Post #619 of 977
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Registered: Mar 3, 2005
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In reply to: Noob, While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm? I am also thinking about piercing my nipple with a biner. Would I have to climb sport if I did that? Taz
Dear Taz,
First of all, we have to know the following: if you already have tattoes... did you send, and can you provide detailed picture coverage of the tattoes?
About the piercing issue: if you only sport climb you'd have to bolt your nipple. A biner should be generally acceptable. If you later decide to only boulder, you'd have to replace the biner with a chalkball, though.
H.
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nebkhat
Oct 24, 2005, 1:27 PM
Post #620 of 977
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Registered: Oct 18, 2005
Posts: 5
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Dear Mr. nOOb,
I read on an internet site (don't remember which one perhaps a porn site) that to become a great climber one must visualize the climb before making the ascent. I have sat at the bottom of a few 5.12 in the lotus position. I have found that after my meditation I had a difficult time working my way up the rock. The visuals are perfect and very realistic. I meditate in bare feet so my visualization is in the bare feet. I am running out of tape rolls and the local drug store has refused to sell me any more. Do you recommend I use duct tape or should I give in and purchase a set of those 40 degree shoes that you mentioned? Thanks in advanced
Nebkhat
"The human mind is the most powerful thing that it can perceive"
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donkey
Oct 24, 2005, 3:52 PM
Post #621 of 977
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Registered: Oct 24, 2005
Posts: 20
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dear mr or mrs n00b, i am new to this website, but i have noticed that pictures that are mediocre at best often get the best rating and other photos that are good are lost in the many inundated pages of new pictures. i can't vote on pictures since i am so new, so i guess my opinion doesn't really count, but i did find this interesting. your thoughts?
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subtle
Oct 27, 2005, 3:26 AM
Post #622 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear N00b, Maybe this has already been covered, but I need musical advice. Surely listening to the proper tunes before getting to the crag would up my sending abilities? For example, would a little Snoop Doggy Dogg help me get that elusive send of the juggy madness of Leggo My Prana (V0-)? Perhaps Jimi Hendrix would get me up the nasty trad testpiece Epics & Ham (5.4+)?
A music question?!? No frigging way! Inconceivable! Once I stop pretending to be reeling from shock, I'll totally get right on it...
...ok, I'm on it.
Music is a really, really tricky thing. There are, of course, the essentials. No true cragmobile is complete without...at the minimum...some terminally scratched-up, scorchingly illegal downloaded-from-a-pr0n-server-in-Lagos CDs of American Beauty, Aenima and A Picture of Nectar. Personally, if the driver can't display a near-mint copy of S.C.I.E.N.C.E., I'd rather walk to Rumney.
A minor problem arises, though, when your max-amp CD O'sendage happens to be your partner's Uber-Buzzkill and Demotivation Mix. To avoid getting dropped on your head because your Pink Floyd sampler has sucked the will to live...and raise their arms...out of your spotter, I have prepared a brief mix-n-match tutorial.
Phish-heads really like...wait for it...Phish. All non-Phish music will savagely harsh out their mellow and make them require a cruelty-free chai latte and herbal self-medication before they can y'know, send you positive energy at the crux, yo. Hey, you might need it...
Trad climbers seem to prefer that their music and gear come from approximately the same era...which is terribly useful, if you think of it. I'd have no problem whipping onto a String Cheese Incident fan's cam placement. I'm not going to be terribly happy running it out above some sketchy nuts that my Bob Seeger pal found in the parking lot at Yosemite...even if he swears it's bomber...like a rooooock. If your partner for the day happens to be humming the Brandonberg Concerto as he flakes out the goldline rope and starts de-rusting his pitons...well...it was nice knowing you, brah.
A sport climber is just going to play the same Euro-funken-kraft-nitzer-werke tape that's all the rage in Brussels or Cologne and is all like beep boop boop...cheep beep boop...beep boop boop...for like an hour. If you get really lucky, some asexual voice will interrupt the synth track every nine minutes or so to intone "Maquereau". Rock me, Amadeus.
Ice climbers have been known to sit in a dark room and listen to tape recordings of a file endlessly honing a Quark Ergo. Skreetch...skreetch...skreeetch...it helps past the time until you...errr, get your murder on, yo.
Ah, and now the wildcard...the boulderers. A boulderer is, paradoxically, just as likely to have a Bavarian polka playing on his iPod as a phatty Boo-Yaa Tribe joint or a 190 beat-per-minute Death Metal Hatestravaganza. It's so hard being alternative these days, you see, that sometimes the only way to stand out is to be...boring.
It's not working for me, mind you...
Allez. Who ganked my Abba 8-Track? Homard.
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cheekemonkey
Oct 27, 2005, 12:00 PM
Post #623 of 977
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Registered: Aug 1, 2005
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In reply to: - Everybody listens to Phish, obviously, because it's genius...and the edgy, rad people listen to Mr. Bungle...but the full-on freak-job uber-Pimpmeisters listen to Rasputina. You think Jason Kehl got like that with some Abba 8-tracks? Ahhhhh, no. - Peanut butter is the new hotness, but fear not Swineophiles, Ham is here to stay. Why? Like Rasputina and Firefly, Peanut butter is being hyped by the 17 year old bouldering crowd.
WOW... I am so inspired now! As soon as give birth I am hitting the rock again, since I have both a Rasputina cd and a lifetime stock of peanut butter in our home.
Also, wanted to add that my husband has improved from climbing 5.10s to starting 5.12Bs(?) in under a year. When he trains on his homemade woody (heh-heh woody) he only listens to TOOL and A Perfect Circle. Coincidence?
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subtle
Oct 28, 2005, 2:25 AM
Post #624 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm?
Nah, nah, nah...I have a much better idea. Get a tattoo of Sharma's forearms on...your forearms! Granted, they'd probably have to re-scale it a little for you...unless you're like...I dunno, a professional arm-wrestler or a...errr, stress-ball quality control tester...but that'd totally blow people's minds. Think of the reactions. Some dope pimp would come around the corner with his posse of boyzz and be all like "Hey watch me take off my shirt and style this easy V2 thing that the girl is on as my warmup...I won't even take off my sandals...c'mon it'll be cool and OH DEAR GOD, LOOK AT HER FOREARMS! She's like some sort of freak-job Gorilla Woman! She's actually crushing the jugs down into crimpers. I think I can hear the rock weeping. I want no part of this! Quick, back to the Starbucks! Run away, run away!" Man, what's cooler than that?
Nothing, yo.
Allez. Get your send on, Gorilla Girl. Homard.
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suprdude22
Oct 28, 2005, 3:44 AM
Post #625 of 977
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Registered: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 64
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Dear NOOB,
I was climbing with a group of my buddies, in a gym of course, and we were having what is called a "Dynamo" contest. If you haven't heard Dynamos are the coolest moves in climbing, but only experts should attempt them. A Dynamo is when you hold on to a hold and use your feet and jump as hard as you can to a big hold above you, mostly so you can impress your friends with your abilities. What Im wondering is...I was participating in this Dynamo Contest and I was attempting to jump to a hold when my hands slipped off of the hold and I punched myself in the crotch. Being a male, this really hurt. Not to mention my friends no longer think Im the best climber in the gym. How can I keep myself from doing something like that again when I Dynamo? Thanks for the help.
Mike
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