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t_nut
Mar 1, 2006, 3:23 AM
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my girl dumped me 2 weeks before xmas and before a minor surgery she was having (voluntary). xmas got cancelled. I quit smoking just because I figured I was going to be miserable anyway, I might as well really be miserable. I wanted to quit anyway. Something told me this was the only chance I had of working things out - dealing with my addictive behaviors.
We had been having trouble. Apparently, she was secretly very upset that I had not told her that I loved her and every once in a while, usually at the end of a night of drinking she would get quiet and I'd ask what was wrong and she would say how she didn't think I was committed. I'd assure her that I was, but that wasn't enough, apparently. I didn't like the forcing the issue tactic, either, and I would get defensive.
One night she got really upset and was crying and said that she wanted someone who was going to marry and have children. I was feeling crappy and defensive and said I didn't think I could do it - not because I didn't want to - I just didn't like the position I felt pushed in - so I self-sabotaged. It seemed that she dropped that and was giving it time. I had thoughts of how I might propose to her, but I had never told her that I loved her.
Out of the blue she began being distant to me and I asked her what was wrong. She said same old shit -you don't love me. I never said I didn't love you. I do love you. It's too late. She can't forgive me. We'll be friends. After New Year's, she comes over tells me she loves me, stays over - I'm thinking - homerun. Tells me the next day we're just friends - last night was a mistake. She's put walls up, she tells me. She's pushing me away and starting fights. She's never been alone, she tells me. There's no else, she tells me. She doubts me, she tells me. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, she tells me. I walk away. I write a letter wishing things were different, saying I'll leave her alone. That I love her. That maybe I'll be here if she changes her mind.
I want her back. I want to work through this together. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
thanks if you actually took the time to read... any sage advice?
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remi
Mar 1, 2006, 3:38 AM
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You should talk to Dr. Phil.
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curt
Mar 1, 2006, 3:52 AM
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In reply to: ..I want her back. I want to work through this together. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. thanks if you actually took the time to read... any sage advice?
Yeah. She may be the best thing that has happened to you so far, but I guarantee you that better things (relationship wise) will happen to you in the future. She's psycho--move on. :wink:
Curt
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squierbypetzl
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Mar 1, 2006, 4:07 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: ..I want her back. I want to work through this together. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. thanks if you actually took the time to read... any sage advice? Yeah. She may be the best thing that has happened to you so far, but I guarantee you that better things (relationship wise) will happen to you in the future. She's psycho--move on. :wink: Curt
Perhaps...
Iīm up to my eyebrows in relationship problems right now myself (fucking humans.... :roll: ), but Iīll do you a favor and point something out for you:
In reply to: That maybe I'll be here if she changes her mind.
Now, whatīs wrong with this sentence?
The devil is in the details, mate, you gotta watch shite like this. And sometimes, even if you do so very rarely, you gotta let your ego take a blow and show some vulnerability, if thatīs your game (which it appears to be).
(edit: deleted well thought out and informative paragraph, just because)
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climbingbetty22
Mar 1, 2006, 4:15 AM
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I don't know that I'd go so far as to say she's "psycho." Psycho is key your car when you break break up. Psycho is leaving dead animals on your door step after a break up. Psycho is calling at 3:00 AM begging to be taken back.
I think the most likely explanation of her behavior is that its never easy to break up with someone you've been with for awhile. Especially if you've never been alone before, as she admits. I thik in her heart she knows that she is not getting what she needs from you, but its just hard to move on because there were good things about your relationship and you that she will miss.
Not that I am any sort of sage on this subject- far from it. But from I would say its over dude. She may have been the best thing in your life, but you probably didn't treat her that way while you had her in your life. When you value anything in your life, it shows. Even if you didn't say "I love you" you could always do something more powerful and show her that you loved her.
At this point I would say its over and its time to move on. Learn the lesson that you need too from this relationship and use to be a person and a better companion in a future relationship.
Good luck. :)
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gene723
Mar 1, 2006, 11:47 AM
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well...I'm usually pretty pedantic and boring so I'll say the usual pedantic and boring things....
there's this survey I saw on the television that said something like a pretty significant percentage of males felt that they were forced or pressured to marry. Of this percentage, a lot of them did not regret making the choice and has a "happy" life.
I don't know anything about relationships and stuff but if you love her, marry her and have kids. It sounds like a lot of fun to me. (again, I don't know anything about this but it does sound like fun).
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acacongua
Mar 1, 2006, 1:36 PM
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Honestly, it doesn't sound like she wants you, but still has an attachment to you that she struggles with. Sorry.
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robbovius
Mar 1, 2006, 2:20 PM
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Dude, it always sucks to get dumped, but you do have to get over it at some point. how about now? remember, you can't control people's behavior, only how you react to it.
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madriver
Mar 1, 2006, 2:26 PM
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...brew some warm tea, turn on Tyra, and have a good cry. You'll feel better.....SACH UP DUDE!!!!!!!
A) If she is really worth it, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her....DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!!!!!!!!
B) If you know it will never work out..MOVE ON!!!
gawd I'm good.....why don't I have my own show?
Love and Peace
Dr. MadRiver
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pinnaclechick
Mar 1, 2006, 4:05 PM
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Sounds like she actually made up her mind about things a long time ago, but stayed with you because to her it was better than being alone. :(
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dookie
Mar 1, 2006, 4:25 PM
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In reply to: One night she got really upset and was crying and said that she wanted someone who was going to marry and have children. I was feeling crappy and defensive and said I didn't think I could do it
It seems that's the way she feels, though. There is a sort of security in that thought - that you have this person who is fully committed to you through it all - and she didn't get that feeling from you. So no matter what you say/do now, she saw your original feeling when she broached the subject, which was 'I don't think I can give you what you need emotionally' (to sum up).
In that moment she may have still loved you and had feelings for you, but she knew that emotionally she would not get what she needed from you. Hence the defense mechanism of withdrawing from your relationship and from you.
If you've told her how you feel now that you have spent some time without her, and have sucked up your pride and told her all the things you feel (and that she really needs to hear) but she still doesn't want to be with you, then it's done. Nothing you can say/do will bring her back. If, however, it starts some dialog with you two and gets her talking about what was lacking in the relationship and what she needs more of from you if you are going to work it out - then score, you're in like flynn. ;)
Good luck. This shite ain't ever easy. I'm a chick, I know :P
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tradgal
Mar 1, 2006, 4:42 PM
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Men are from Uranus, Women are from Mars (How does that saying go again?)
Men and women obviously think differently and view things from different perspectives.
I also think you need to sack up (as Madriver nicely put it)!!! This isn't about how she is reacting, this is about you. Fix yourself before you fix the relationship or you will never have a truly successful relationship. Do what you gotta do...
Why didnt you say you loved her?
Why did you get defensive?
Why did you say you didnt want to get married?
Why did you self-sabotage?
You think about proposals yet you deny it til the end? You are a walking contradiction!!! Work on yourself first.
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wildtrail
Mar 1, 2006, 9:48 PM
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How old are you? Sounds a little inexperienced to me.
Sage advice? Sure:
She is the best thing that has happened to you up to this point. The best thing to happen to you hasn't happened yet. This is when you find your lifepartner. We all always assume that the one your are currently with is the "one", but you'll know when you actually find "the one". Believe me, you'll know.
I though Brandy was the one and then Jenny, too. Those were an 8-month relationship as a young boy of 19 and then at 21, I found and spent 4 1/2 years with Jenny. I've known my wife Tammy since June of 2000, we were living together withing one week, told each other (and meant it) on DAY TWO, married in October of 2001, and every day is happier and better. Believe me, if you find "the one" you will know. Didn't feel that with Brandy or Jenny. Sure, I loved them and when it was over, it seemed like my world was upside down, but it wasn't true, honest, real love. It was just love. Not the deep stuff dreams are made of.
Move on, have fun, don't get down on yourself, hang out with friends more (you know, the ones you avoid during the first year of a relationship). You'll be fine. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Obviously, the f*cker that said that should be b*tch-slapped until his shoes don't fit, but he is right.
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t_nut
Mar 1, 2006, 10:04 PM
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I humbly accept and appreciate all of your comments, suggestions and advice. I know I opened myself up for criticism here and I know 'sacking up' is the bottom line.
I did let her know how I felt and everything was seemingly alright. Then she just seemed to push me away... to get her bearings, maybe, I don't know. Just trying to sort through this... she's worth it - I'm a dumbass.
Thanks again, folks.
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jred
Mar 2, 2006, 9:22 PM
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It is your pride that has been hurt, not your heart. If you really loved this girl you would have told her. You have created a memory of a relationship that did not exist because you are feeling lonely. You are feeling sorry for yourself as is natural, and seem to be looking for a way to beat yourself up, as is typical. This girl is not a psycho, she is merely a girl who does not want to be in a relationship with you and is having a hard time with it. Things most likely are not black and white for her either.
I think you should question your motives, do you really love her? Why did you not tell her so? Did you just get used to having her around?
One thing I have done when questioning myself about relationships is ask myself what would happen if suddenly I was handed 100 million dollars. Would I still be planning ways to get the woman back? Would I cry about the woman still? Would I forget she ever existed, go on a bender and never talk to her again. What would you do?
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deserteaglle
Mar 2, 2006, 10:00 PM
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In reply to: It is your pride that has been hurt, not your heart. If you really loved this girl you would have told her. You have created a memory of a relationship that did not exist because you are feeling lonely. You are feeling sorry for yourself as is natural, and seem to be looking for a way to beat yourself up, as is typical. This girl is not a psycho, she is merely a girl who does not want to be in a relationship with you and is having a hard time with it. Things most likely are not black and white for her either. I think you should question your motives, do you really love her? Why did you not tell her so? Did you just get used to having her around? One thing I have done when questioning myself about relationships is ask myself what would happen if suddenly I was handed 100 million dollars. Would I still be planning ways to get the woman back? Would I cry about the woman still? Would I forget she ever existed, go on a bender and never talk to her again. What would you do?
Damn. Spot on. About exactly what I was going to say. You don't really want her, you don't like being dumped.
You need to think about other things and move on, in a few months if you've made positive changes in your life and you see her again, go into without thinking you're in love with her...then find out if you really are.
Good luck. dude.
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ledavis23
Mar 2, 2006, 11:03 PM
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Ah, man, what to do...
Dude, I'm a total climber-chick and I don't know much about analyzing relationships or whatever, but I'll tell you how mine worked out.
So there was this guy in my public speaking class that did his final speech on rock-climbing. I was hooked, but going home for the summer to Louisiana- the only state without the first rock or anyone who knows wth rock-climbing is. So the next fall I got invited to go climbing by my best (girl) friend, and of course there was this buff, quiet climber guy that took us. Of course the guy and I ended up hanging out (as in dating),
but the thing about our dating relationship was that for the longest time I didn't know if I really liked him/wanted to be with him/cared about him- that sort of thing. And I told him. His reaction- "oh well, that's cool." He was totally self-confident enough to just take it easy. Of course that attitude drew me in like a magnet and like 4 months later we were a pretty official couple and all.
Ok, so now we've been married for a year and a half and we're great friends and partners.
Listen, commitment is a huge friggin deal. You don't want anybody in your face all the time influencing your major life decisions, so wise up. Spend a good amount of time (weeks,months) away from this girl and don't just jump back into something with her or anyone if they aren't on the same track as you. When the right girl comes along, she'll be on the same page as you, savvy?
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vivalargo
Mar 4, 2006, 2:02 AM
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Ah, dependency issues . . . And also the push and pull of the "withdrawing" energy/personality type. It's either total enmeshment or nothing at all. Feelings have almost nothing to do ith it bacause unless you're differentiated you can't really have a relationship.
A wise man once said that till you finish the relationship you had with your folks you can never have another relationship--you'll just keep playing out the first one over and over and over.
The challenge with finishing the first relationship (with your family of origin) is that you have to stand alone, and for many that's basically impossible.
JL
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tgreene
Mar 4, 2006, 2:06 AM
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I would like to point out that I think it's HIS persperctive that's all wrong...
He stated rather emphatically that Christmas was cancelled, when it fact it was held again last year, and on December 25th to be exact! :mrgreen:
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climbingbetty22
Mar 4, 2006, 4:19 PM
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In reply to: How old are you? Sounds a little inexperienced to me. Sage advice? Sure: She is the best thing that has happened to you up to this point. The best thing to happen to you hasn't happened yet. This is when you find your lifepartner. We all always assume that the one your are currently with is the "one", but you'll know when you actually find "the one". Believe me, you'll know. I though Brandy was the one and then Jenny, too. Those were an 8-month relationship as a young boy of 19 and then at 21, I found and spent 4 1/2 years with Jenny. I've known my wife Tammy since June of 2000, we were living together withing one week, told each other (and meant it) on DAY TWO, married in October of 2001, and every day is happier and better. Believe me, if you find "the one" you will know. Didn't feel that with Brandy or Jenny. Sure, I loved them and when it was over, it seemed like my world was upside down, but it wasn't true, honest, real love. It was just love. Not the deep stuff dreams are made of. Move on, have fun, don't get down on yourself, hang out with friends more (you know, the ones you avoid during the first year of a relationship). You'll be fine. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Obviously, the f*cker that said that should be b*tch-slapped until his shoes don't fit, but he is right.
Thanks for posting this wildtrail, I know it was intended for someone else, but I really needed to read it too. I have recently been forced to endure a breakup with the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. God, he was so perfect for me, we were so compatible. But I've got to accept that if he didn't really love me, we weren't compatible in the most important way of all. Right now its hard to imagine that there coud be anyone who could hold a candle to him, but I know in time that will pass and change. Ifeel like I just got to trust fate- if its a mistake, if we are supposed to be together in the end, the universe will orchestrate that so it happens. If not, then in a few months, year, etc. from now, I'll be able to live my life again, heal, and perhaps that universe will conspire to bring someone even more wonderful into my life.
Anyhow, I liked what you said about that f*cker in the end. Perhaps its is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, though right that feels like there is noway it could be true and I would like to give that guy I swift kick in the a-hole! :evil:
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