MEN, BURT BRONSON HERE. I HAVE RETURNED FROM ANOTHER EPIC, YET SUCCESSFUL STAY IN BAFFIN. OUR TEAM (CONSISTING OF ONLY ME) COMPLETED 17 NEW ROUTES. THE HARDEST, "WHY WOMEN SHOULD STAY AT HOME", WAS COMPLETED OVER 84 DAYS. THIS IS, SO FAR, THE BOLDEST ROUTE YET DONE ON THE ISLAND. AT 5.14C, A5++, PDH, WI 13, M14+, GRADE IX, V14, B3, SIT START, THIS ROUTE WAS DONE GROUND UP WITH NO HOLES DRILLED ON THE ASCENT. THE ROUTE WAS ESTABLISHED IN PURE ALPINE STYLE WITH ME STAYING ON THE WALL FOR THE ENTIRE 84 DAYS. I LOST 77 POUNDS ON THE WALL. THE LINE CONSISTS OF 114 PITCHES AND GOES UP A NEWLY DISCOVERED WALL THAT ONLY I HAVE SEEN. ACCORDING TO MY MEASUREMENTS, THE WALL IS THE TALLEST AND MOST OVERHANGING WALL IN THE WORLD. AT 17,000 SHEER VERTICAL FEET AND OVERHANGING 9,000 FEET, IT IS SURE TO NEVER HAVE A REPEAT - ESPECIALLY BY A WOMAN. THIS ROUTE EPITOMIZES THE HARD MAN CLIMBING EXPERIENCE.

PLEASE, GET ME CAUGHT UP ON THE LASTEST GOINGS ON HERE IN THE STATES AND IN THE VALLEY PROPER. WORD HAS IT THAT NOT MUCH HAS HAPPENED, WHICH IS SAD, IN THE TIME I HAVE BEEN GONE. A SOMEWHAT NOTABLE ASCENT BY THE GERMAN BROTHERS WAS DONE ON THE ZODIAC (WHATEVER), I HEARD SOME GIRL CLIMBED EL CAP FREE (SURE SHE DID....), DEAN POTTER ROYALLY F'ED UP AND LOST BOTH HANDS (STICK TO THE SLACK LINE, SLACKER), ANOTHER CHICK CLIMBED 5.14D (SURE SHE DID......) AND CHRIS SHARMA WAS BUSTED FOR WEED (NICE). SOUNDS LIKE I DIDN'T MISS MUCH.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN. MY GOAL IS TWO FOLD - TO CONTINUE IN THE TRADITION OF THE MANY HARD MEN WHO LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR CLIMBING AND TO ENSURE THAT THESE TRADTIONS ARE NOT OVER RUN BY THE GIRLY MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING HARD TO DEGRADE OUR SPORT WITH THE USE OF BOLTS, 70 METER ROPES, GRIGRIS, RUBBER SOLED SHOES, CHALK, AND QUICKS-DRAWS. IT IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ENSURE THAT THE MAN SPORT OF CLIMBING STAYS JUST THAT - A MAN SPORT - AND THAT WOMEN STAY AT HOME, IN THE SERVICE OF THE MAN.

SINCERELY,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN.

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury.

I was gonna say something witty, but I don't think I could possibly top this.

Anyone care to clue us NOOBS in to who this mythical man is?

Anyone care to clue us NOOBS in to who this mythical man is?

HI NG. BURT BRONSON HERE. SINCE THIS NG IS GOING DOWNHILL, I THOUGHT I WOULD GRACE EVERYONE WITH SOME EXCELLENT WRITING AND TO ALSO HELP EVERYONE TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE A SERIOUS VALLEY CLIMBER LIKE ME. MOST PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO IDEA, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECORD MY EXPERIENCES FOR THE 99.99 NON-SERIOUS CLIMBERS OUT THERE IN THE CYBER WORLD. ENJOY!

AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER. THEREFORE, MY GOALS IN THE VALLEY WERE FAR MORE SERIOUS THAN WHAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE. MY OBJECTIONS FOR THIS TRIP WERE:

1) ASTROMAN IN SUB 3 HOURS WITH ONLY 3 NUTS, AND 2 CAMS - LINKING WITH CREST JEWEL AND A DOWN CLIMB OF ROYAL ARCHES TO THE DEVIL POOLS - TOTAL CLIMB TIME TO NAKED TIME AT THE POOLS: 6 HOURS

2) SOLO OF STECK-SALATHE BESTING HENERY BARBER'S TIME OF 2:45

3) SOLO OF THE GOOD BOOK WITH NO HELMET WHILE DODGING LOOSE AND FALLING ROCK

4) FREEBLAST BEFORE CURRY BREAKFAST BUFFET OPENS WHILE GETTING COMPLETELY HAMMERED THE NIGHT BEFORE

5) PANTY RAID OF THE HUBERS FIXED LEDGE ON ZODIAC WHILE ASCENDING THE ROUTE IN SUB 8 HOURS SOLO

6) THE ROSTRUM TO THE ALIEN FINISH WHILE TAMING A PERIGRINE FALCON NESTING THERE TO BRING HOME AS A PET

7) SOLO OF GENERATOR CRACK IN RUNNING SHOES WHILE ON REST DAY/MORNING JOG TO TUOLOMNE AND BACK

8) SMOKE AND DRINK BEER FROM BROWN BAG ON THE PIZZA DECK WHILE SCAVAGING PIZZA AND DODGING THE YCS EMPLOYEES

9) SANDBAG THE NUMOURUS FIRST TIME WALL CLIMBERS WITH BAD WEATHER BETA AT THE START OF THE NOSE TO TEST THEIR SERIOUSNESS

10) SMOKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEED WITH CHONGO AND THEN TELL HIM HE'S GOT RELATIVITY ALL WRONG

AS YOU WOULD HAVE GUESSED, ALL GOALS WERE COMPLETED AND ACTUALLY SURPASSED. MY TIME ON ASTROMAN WAS 2:20:43 AND WAS NAKED WITH COCK IN HAND AT 4:53:32. MY TIME ON STECK-SALATHE WAS 1:23:21. I SUCESSFULLY DODGED FALLING ROCK ON THE GOOD BOOK AND EVEN MANAGED ANOTHER SLIDE! FREEBLAST WAS A JOKE BUT BREAKFAST WAS GREAT. I HAVE MUCH OF THE HUBERS GEAR AND A NEW SOLO RECORD FOR ZODIAC. MY PET FALCONS NAME IS BECKEY. I'VE DOWNGRADED THE GENERATOR TO 5.3+. I OWNED THE PIZZA DECK. NO NOSE GUMBIES PASSED MY TEST, WHICH IS GOOD, AS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RESCUEING PEOPLE ON THIS TRIP. CHONGO HAS ACCEPTED HE KNOWS NOTHING OF RELATIVITY AND CONFESSED THAT HIS BOOK IS A SCAM - AS A SIDE NOTE, HE DID HAVE REALLY GOOD WEED.

BURT BRONSON THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER

PLEASE - I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOG OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND SELL ALL OF YOUR "CLIP DRAWS", YOUR CLIMBING "SLIPPERS", YOUR 9.2MM ROPE AND FIND SOME THREAD AND NEEDLE AND LEARN TO KNIT LIKE A LADY. LEAVE THE MAN FUN TO THE MAN.

PLEASE - I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOG OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND SELL ALL OF YOUR "CLIP DRAWS", YOUR CLIMBING "SLIPPERS", YOUR 9.2MM ROPE AND FIND SOME THREAD AND NEEDLE AND LEARN TO KNIT LIKE A LADY. LEAVE THE MAN FUN TO THE MAN.

...rock in Queen Maud Land, Antarctica. They carefully omitted the part about the climbers finding Burt at the top, enjoying some polar bear jerky...

Had Burt Bronson been around in the 1950s, I would have traded in my climbing boots for a set of golf clubs.

Anyone care to clue us NOOBS in to who this mythical man is?

Had Burt Bronson been around in the 1950s, I would have traded in my climbing boots for a set of golf clubs.

That is so going to get quoted.

-Jay