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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 9:18 PM
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Alright, so I discussed this situation with MY best friend. She suggested that the three of us go climbing together for a while. That way my SO can get a sense of what he's like...course certain people change their behavior depending on the company, right?
Once he understands the intentions---that is to CLIMB---then hopefully he'll feel more at ease with my being in the woods alone with another dude. (a joke).
Does that sound like a solution?
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jsh
Apr 5, 2007, 9:23 PM
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Frankly, no. It sounds like you're spending too much time pandering to thoughts and feelings and drama and intentions, and too little time ... climbing. Just my $0.02, tho.
(This post was edited by jsh on Apr 5, 2007, 9:24 PM)
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 10:17 PM
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Actually I had been thinking of this since yesterday----the day this idea came up.
Sorry, but I don't purposely play the asshole to get what I want. I'd rather spend less time climbing than piss off the person I love. When there's a will, there's a way. And I know I'll get my climbing in no matter what.
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slablizard
Apr 5, 2007, 11:34 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: Apologies accepted. And no offense taken. Alex Huber--not my type. I don't really dig guys with long hair. But if Chris Sharma called to see if I wanted to climb, then all my good senses are out the window! EDIT: I find that it's so rare that the boyfriend/girlfriend's best friend is so open to hanging out with his/her "ball and chain". I guess it depends if the Best Friend is comfortable around the othe person. This is the first time I've gotten along really well with his best friend.
Dude...
Sharma has dreadlocks...seen the pic on "witness the fitness"? :)
(This post was edited by slablizard on Apr 5, 2007, 11:42 PM)
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marinaaxid25
Apr 6, 2007, 1:03 AM
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I thought he looked better when he was soloing on that arch in Mallorca (spelling?).
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htotsu
Apr 6, 2007, 3:34 AM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: Whoa, before you make any further assumptions, let me say that it's a double-standard to say that it's ok for my S.O. to go off on two week trips with his other friends---but to say that I can't indulge in a sport that makes me happy.
Look at it this way. Your best female friend, let's say the one you asked about this situation, has a boyfriend who climbs. Do you ask him to go climbing with you without first running it by her to see how she feels about it? Do you invite him to go somewhere with you alone without letting her know? Do you let him know that "it's alright if she comes, too"? What kind of friend would that make you?
How bout if she asked your boyfriend to go out, and you heard it from him before you heard it from her? (or maybe you saw it on a message board...).
And this whole "double standard" thing - seriously. Take that up with him, since you're obviously bitter about it and want to even the score. Instead of keeping secrets as some passive-aggressive way to get back at him for taking the 2-week trips without you, maybe you should tell him how you really feel about his trips.
If you want to go climbing with the friend, lots of people have said just run it by the boyfriend and see how he feels. Maybe he won't care and will say go climb! But the point is, from the sound of it, the friend hasn't told him. Again. SKETCH.
But waiting until he asks again? Again, seems pretty passive-aggressive. It takes the onus off of you to do anything. You don't have to confront either him or your boyfriend, and no one has to face anything that might be uncomfortable. Hey - your call. But I'm not the only one who has noticed that something seemed off about the way you worded your original post. Hope it works out.
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angry
Apr 6, 2007, 3:44 AM
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I've been on both sides of this. I have taken a good friends girlfriend climbing. I also considered her a friend. It was no issue at all. He wasn't free, she was, and we wanted to climb. Big Deal.
OTOH. I had a girlfriend who constantly palled up with all my friends. I trusted her at first. She quickly cheated on me with one of my close friends. I did like her and tried to work through that. We were on a short break and she spent almost every night of that break in another one of my friends bed (I actually could go on longer, but I bet you get the point).
So in my case where I just went climbing with a friends GF, no harm was done. In the other case, several friendships have been permantly ruined and I feel a lot of animosity toward her. I guess the moral of the story is, don't date a slut.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 6, 2007, 3:49 AM
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Wow. You really have nerve. Listen, I didn't post this to get some response from someone who's had bad luck in this department. I'm only able to give you one side of the story. This isn't about revenge. It's not about being passive-aggressive.
I was only trying to get a sense from what other people *might've* been through. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend who DOES NOT climb has to be accepting of things that their climber-SOs do. And that sometimes includes spending hours, sometimes days with someone of the opposite sex.
Detract the claws there before you end up scratching someone else's eyes out.
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htotsu
Apr 6, 2007, 4:07 AM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: Wow. You really have nerve. Listen, I didn't post this to get some response from someone who's had bad luck in this department. 
marinaaxid25 wrote: Detract the claws there before you end up scratching someone else's eyes out.
Sorry, no claws here. Just honesty based on what you wrote.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 6, 2007, 4:38 AM
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Look at it this way: at least his Best Friend thinks I'm cool enough to hang out with.
And you know what? He's right---I am awesome 
...and this saga will thicken.
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erisspirit
Apr 6, 2007, 4:29 PM
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The best thing my SO has ever done for me is understanding... Even when that means a JTree camping trip where I am quite possibly the only female. I think he would actually be happier with me being with his best friend on a climbing trip than someone he doesn't know well, because at least he knows his friends character.
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grampacharlie
Apr 6, 2007, 4:45 PM
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Ok, I read through the entire thread again just to make sure I'm clear on what's going on.
My initial reaction is still my response: go ahead and climb with the guy.
Should you wait till he offers again? Maybe, maybe not. I know that when I offer to go climbing with someone, it is an open offer that stands as long as the other person is interested and nothing has come up to dissuade me.
On that note, I have climbed with couples, with friends SO's, single women, married women, and even a guy I had a sneaking suspicion had a thing for me. Nothing bad really came of these instances, unless there was an underlying issue I was unaware of. I may be naive, but I do not see a problem with your situation unless you have doubts about your relationship to begin with.
On the other hand I will say that any adventure activity (climbing, white water sports, backcountry travel, mountaineering) can illicit a deeper emotional response than say playing darts at the bar. That is why we see a rise in the therapeutic use of such activities.
Talk with your SO, and then go climbing with his buddy if both of you are comfortable with this. In my experience it is not a relationship killer.
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wonderwoman
Apr 6, 2007, 5:19 PM
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grampacharlie wrote: I may be naive, but I do not see a problem with your situation unless you have doubts about your relationship to begin with.
grampacharlie wrote: In my experience it is not a relationship killer.
Right on, Grampa!
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marinaaxid25
Apr 6, 2007, 7:54 PM
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I was thinking the same---I'm sure he wouldn't worry about my safety if he knew his trusted Best Friend was around.
A lot of understanding and give-and-take has made for us becoming a solid pair. Not just our other respective friends. I think eventually he'll accept this, so long as an open dialogue is there.
EDIT:
I just had this thought. I'm wondering if the fact that his Best Friend is single plays a big role in feeling anxious
(This post was edited by marinaaxid25 on Apr 6, 2007, 8:15 PM)
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slablizard
Apr 6, 2007, 11:08 PM
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Ah..
the drama of life :)
How old are you guys? And how long have you been together?
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iamthewallress
Apr 6, 2007, 11:45 PM
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One thing that I've learned is that if your SO is going to do your best friend and end up dumping you, they're going to do your best friend and end up dumping you. It's not a situation that you can control by disallowing them to be alone together. (And vice versa, of course.)
My SO is only going to stay with me so long as I am the one that he wants. Jealousy is futile. Although it kind of kills the drama once you let go it.
I've found loosing jealousy and forgetting to look for my cellulite to be two great perks of getting older.
(This post was edited by iamthewallress on Apr 6, 2007, 11:54 PM)
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marinaaxid25
Apr 7, 2007, 12:53 AM
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Hehe...
We're both 27.
We dated for two years in college; broke up. Then got back together. And we've been together for the last....ohh, I lost track. A WHILE.
Does that answer your question? 
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stymingersfink
Apr 7, 2007, 1:55 AM
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iamthewallress wrote: I've found losing jealousy and forgetting to look for my cellulite to be two great perks of getting older.
well put.
things do tend to run smoother without drama mucking things up, don't they?
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marinaaxid25
Apr 7, 2007, 2:18 AM
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It's not drama. Act 1 hasn't even started.
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e_free
Apr 7, 2007, 10:56 PM
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If he's your SO's best friend, and you've no desire to cheat, and he's a harmless guy...
Uh...what's the problem again?
(This post was edited by e_free on Apr 8, 2007, 4:14 AM)
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TheDullEnd
Apr 9, 2007, 4:22 AM
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The general rule I usually go by is "would I be comfortable if the situations were reversed?" and then make the call based on that.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 9, 2007, 5:47 AM
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That's an easy one. Sure, I'd be cool if the situations were reversed.
...I guess that answers my question
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fenix83
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Apr 9, 2007, 3:26 PM
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htotsu wrote: marinaaxid25 wrote: My SO's best friend is a climber, and has invited me to climb with him. Now, I know how strong the blood flows between "brothers" (haha). So I certainly don't want to do anything wrong. However, I want to improve on my climbing, and with my crazy schedule, it's hard to find a consistent partner. This other fellow LIVES in the NP area, so that makes things a lot easier in accessibility. **Please note: there is NO hidden agenda with him. He's an honest-to-god harmless guy. If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there). Ok, presuming you're serious and have any question about what to do here, 1) do not go climbing with your SO's best friend unless your SO is present. 2) if your SO is available to climb with you, then I guess your schedule isn't quite so crazy that you don't have someone to climb with, is it? 3) if the idea of climbing with your SO isn't as appealing as climbing with the friend because the friend is better, how exciting do you think it would be for your SO to watch you watch another guy outclimb him? Honestly. Just say no. Trust, maturity, yadda yadda yadda - yes he should trust you, yes it shouldn't matter, but you are incredibly naive if you think the friend is 100% harmless. Any dude who asks his best friend's girlfriend to go climbing with him alone, and does so without the express knowledge of said best friend, is SKETCH.
I'll voice a completely different set of responses:
1- There is no reason not to climb with your SO's friend (assuming your SO is OK with it). I much rather have my SO out with my best friend than with basically any other person. I know my bro and I know he would take care of her as well as I would.
2- Htotsu, you're just being confrontational.
3- Once again, I don't know what kind of kids you might run with, but this should not ba an issue provided that you do not "abandon" you SO. If you have different skill levels you will definitely want to make a point of not leaving him behind, but it should not be a reason for you to stunt your growth.
I'll agree that I wouldn't ask my mate's SO climbing without his knowledge (and probably previous consent), but I don't know how this happened, so I'll reserve judgment.
Regarding "no 100% safe guys". I consider my best friend to be 100% safe toward my SO, even if he had feelings, he wouldn't act on them... hell he wouldn't ask her out climbing if he did (avoid potential situations). It all depends on their relationship, and your only info on this can come from your SO, ask him honestly if he minds before agreeing to anything.
-F
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slablizard
Apr 9, 2007, 4:08 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: Hehe... We're both 27. We dated for two years in college; broke up. Then got back together. And we've been together for the last....ohh, I lost track. A WHILE. Does that answer your question?
Sure, I thought younger...
Have fun you two...or three...;)
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marinaaxid25
Apr 9, 2007, 5:34 PM
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slablizard wrote: Sure, I thought younger... Have fun you two...or three...;)
OH you mean you thought I was one of those starry, wide-eyed teens that "ohmigod-he-is-SO-HOT" types?
Well, my job has brought down my maturity level.
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