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stonefoxgirl
Jul 20, 2006, 4:39 PM
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Yes, there are a million posts, from good people with good advice but I am looking for a collective of comments who have gone through or are going through the pain of a break up. The reason I write is because up until now, I have been relatively fine, it's been two months since bf has moved out of our house. We have been to the same parties and bars, and festivities, etc. We have even hung out just the two of us and everything has been great but this week, I don't know what it is, I leave work and begin crying immediately. I'll go to the gym and climb but it's not enough distraction from what's going on in my mind. I'll hop on my road bike and the same thing happens. The second Im done working out I begin bawling again. I don't believe in numbing pain with alcohol and damnit I am sick of crying about this. I feel really disconnected and unmotivated, restless, angry, helpless.....overall just very weak. I am eating but my sleep has been interrupted by weird dreams.
We broke up and it was the right thing to do, we weren't getting along and he had better things to do than spend time with me. The problems I have now in my day to day life is differentiating the healing process from depression. Knowing that I did the right thing, which I do, and knowing that I am better off moving on. Relationships are like a habit that you form with someone. It's comfortable and routine and really hard to break. I know we will be friends in due time but how do you all deal with this? All of my relationships have been longer and established and I have felt that they would last but frankly, I am sick of going through the dating process, telling my story and not meshing with anyone. I'm 29, Im really ready for a commitment or at least to know that I have met someone that makes me stronger. Ugh.....so what do you all do, what keeps you motivated, positive and healthy? Thanks for the input, I'll survive this too.
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comet
Jul 20, 2006, 6:13 PM
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You're right, you will get through this. Breaking up sucks, and there is a normal grieving process--if you never got sad about it, it would mean that the relationship hadn't meant anything. It is especially difficult since you lived together.
Here's what helped me the last time I went through a similarly painful, life-altering breakup:
exercise: the harder the better, also yoga
therapy
letting myself rely on other people: I had forgotten how to do this.
It sounds like you're feeling pretty depressed and having a tough time keeping your head above water. Working through these things in therapy isn't easy, but it can help a ton.
Remember to take care of yourself first, and good luck!
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erickson
Jul 20, 2006, 8:58 PM
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Registered: Jul 17, 2006
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You said "I'm sick of going through the dating process"
Well, I know what you mean. The last time I broke up with someone, one reason I was so torn up about it was because I knew I had to start over from the beginning! But that is not such a bad thing. Shortly after that I met my husband, and now I'm happily married. Just remember, once you get married, you're married for LIFE (hopefully :wink: ). It may seem tough now, but enjoy the dating scene while you can. Remember the good things about it: butterflies in your stomach, getting ready for a first date, the first kiss, flirting,...
Dating is a pain, but there's enough enjoyment in it that we all keep doing it. Just look for the enjoyment. You'll find it.
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alexis_86
Jul 21, 2006, 4:09 AM
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From my most recent breakup, I realised that distractions are all good and well, but there are moments when you just cannot distract yourself any more and it all floods back. The healthiest thing is to just go with it. Let it all flood in, bawl your eyes out, whatever. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let yourself truly feel the painful emotions so you just keep trying to distract yourself until the distractiosn feel all empty and you feel hollow. Just let yourself feel it, it's like committing to the crux of a route, really hard and nerve wrecking before you do it, but once you do it, you will feel better. I'm so sorry about your relationship, take care of yourself.
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stonefoxgirl
Jul 26, 2006, 4:50 PM
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Now I am realizing why I am having such a hard time with this. I realize that I have many underlying issues that come out in these grief and loss type situations. Because of the break up I have noticed myself getting stressed out because I was right about trusting my SO and him never coming through for me. This leads to, control. If I am not in control or I can't control a situation I freak out. And because of the freak out I blame myself which ultimately is me beating myself up and scaring my confidence and self-esteem. So it's not really the recent events that have taken effect in my life but the event that triggers these things inside of me that I can't seem to handle. Has anypone experienced this, how did you pull through? I will be going to therapy starting Thursday. I have taken that step.
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hstewart
Jul 26, 2006, 8:41 PM
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In reply to: If I am not in control or I can't control a situation I freak out. And because of the freak out I blame myself which ultimately is me beating myself up and scaring my confidence and self-esteem. So it's not really the recent events that have taken effect in my life but the event that triggers these things inside of me that I can't seem to handle. Has anypone experienced this, how did you pull through?
Yes. While it's awful to lose that control, let it go. Be helpless. Be a mess. Rely on good friends to pull you up again. Admit that you are not perfect and that you can't control every situation. You'd be surprised how liberating it is. And in the end you won't need that control quite so much, which will make you a much happier person.
And at the end of the day, remember: This too shall pass...
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trangtu
Dec 7, 2006, 6:59 AM
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Stonefoxgirl,
I went through a break-up recently as well. I second the posters who suggest letting yourself go to experience the painful feelings, crying when the waves pass through, reaching out to your friends, loved ones, and other support networks, and just accepting every moment for what it is.
Good friend pointed me to a book I've found helpful: "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron. She talks about letting ourselves sink into the chaos, and sit on that brink of uncertainty.
Another friend shared the following poem with me:
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame,
the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Rumi
Finally--my grieving process has opened up a boatload of my own unresolved issues too; and, while that has left me feeling utterly naked and exposed to my frailties, I can also see that the break-up has been almost serendipitous in allowing me to see my own "stuff" with much greater clarity than I ever have--and only once those issues are recognized, could I begin to grow from them and move forward....
And be kind to yourself--
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tigerlilly
Dec 7, 2006, 3:35 PM
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Registered: Nov 2, 2006
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[quote "stonefoxgirl"]Now I am realizing why I am having such a hard time with this. I realize that I have many underlying issues that come out in these grief and loss type situations. Because of the break up I have noticed myself getting stressed out because I was right about trusting my SO and him never coming through for me. This leads to, control. If I am not in control or I can't control a situation I freak out. And because of the freak out I blame myself which ultimately is me beating myself up and scaring my confidence and self-esteem. So it's not really the recent events that have taken effect in my life but the event that triggers these things inside of me that I can't seem to handle. Has anypone experienced this, how did you pull through? I will be going to therapy starting Thursday. I have taken that step.[/quote]
Good for you for recognizing that there is more to your blues than just the breakup. You're on the right track with therapy - in fact you've made good progress just by beginning to uncover the underlying issues. You describe classic symptoms of depression, "The second Im done working out I begin bawling again. I don't believe in numbing pain with alcohol and damnit I am sick of crying about this. I feel really disconnected and unmotivated, restless, angry, helpless.....overall just very weak. I am eating but my sleep has been interrupted by weird dreams."
I've been through a ton of counseling for depression myself, and have found that what I get out of therapy varies with the counselor. There are good ones and bad ones. If you don't feel like someone is helping, try another. The best therapist I've had, and to whom I owe what is left of my sanity [;)], was the marriage counselor I went to with my ex, just before we split. She was tough, and would not let me escape facing some truely ugly moments from my past. At first, I kept trying to think of excuses not to go, but finally realized how much less burdened I was feeling. I voluntarily went back to her several times after the divorce, even though I had moved to another town an hour away. But now, I feel like I have learned what I can from her. Like a guru, each (good) therapist has a lesson to teach, and it may take more than one to explore all your issues.
Good luck, and hang in there!
Kathy
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snoangel
Dec 7, 2006, 5:11 PM
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Having gone through a break-up a few months ago myself, I can completely relate to the depression as well as the underlying issues I have only begun to uncover. I know it's cheesy, but everything really does happen for a reason. I keep telling myself that every day. And know that the fact that you hurt is actually a good thing. It shows you have the capacity to care deeply for another person.
It's been almost three months and I still cry randomly and have weird dreams. It happens less often, but some of the hurt remains. I've been to counseling and read books. But mostly, I've tried to spend time with my friends and be good to myself.
I've even started dating again, although I haven't been able to get past anything superficial yet. But I'm actually ok with that. I know that I need to be truly happy with myself before I can be happy with another. There's no hurry to find my Mr. Right. I know he's out there somewhere and if he really is right for me, then he'll be willing to take things slowly.
And remember, we're strong women. And we will get through this!  My sig says it all...
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stonefoxgirl
Dec 26, 2006, 6:06 PM
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Registered: Jul 15, 2003
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You got it sister! Ok, there are even more chapters to this story now that it has been 6 months. We tried the friend thing, I got burned hardcore again, and just this weekend over the frickin holidays! I'm done. I am strong enough to say that now, he is unhealthy for me, and for anyone who let's him into their hearts. You get one chance with me, if you F** it up, move on. I have had my heart broken too many times for this B*S*, I'm too old for games and frankly, too tired of it.
I have found someone, recently, who makes me quite happy, we shall see where this goes, but I can tell you it doesn't resemble any of my other relationships and I find that really positive.
I don't know about you but I get really upset thinking of what I lived through this year. Not just this break-up but so much with my family and friends, work and living. Everything has changed! It is all really good and positive now, I feel like I have all my ducks in a row, FINALLY! I have never been so excited to go on and to never look back and think I did something wrong. F** that sh**! My life is no joke, I will make the best of it. To take my experiences and hold them dear to me. I'll be damned if this isn't going to be a gateway to a lot of great things to come. This has been my life transition-thanks for your help, I mean it.
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usmc_2tothetop
Dec 28, 2006, 11:47 PM
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You have grown wiser from every bit of it. That is all that matters. Good to see you happy. Hope to see you soon. Happy Holidays.
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stonefoxgirl
Dec 29, 2006, 5:55 PM
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Registered: Jul 15, 2003
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You are such my buddy Nate. I miss you!
Happy New Year, thanks for the call Christmas Day. I couldn't get away to get back with you....we'll catch up soon.
LzzL
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stonefoxgirl
Jan 3, 2007, 3:10 PM
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Registered: Jul 15, 2003
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Hmmmmm, relapse, I'm going back to therapy.
And then I'll check in again....
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miademus
Jan 13, 2007, 11:36 AM
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Registered: Nov 8, 2005
Posts: 511
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...aww gd gd .
i broke up for some times too, it might pittyful that i say that but the persons i met were materialistic unreal only beautyful...and i only wanted real love....so thats why i don't care very much when i break up with someone,since i want the pure thing!
Hope you get the idea, the date and going out matters are all for cause u want the ideal person for yourself, don't be upset when it's fail, cause we all want the 1 in a million.
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