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maculated
Apr 25, 2005, 6:52 AM
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Registered: Dec 23, 2001
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Well, my night's been ruined because my incomprehensibly useless roommates failed to live up to my expectations again, but that's not about this. Though it sure would be nice to get a glass of water. Or flush the toilet. Or let my dog out without worrying about her escaping. But, wait, this is not about that.
This is about my little trip to see Sedaris with my mother. I know it's not climbing related, but (a) I am trying to get my mind off of double homicide and (b) it was actually worth sharing, I think.
So, about four years ago I am reading _Me Talk Pretty One Day_ up in Tuolumne and I come across a passage that says the author grew up in Endwell, NY. I happen to know Endwell very, very well. Both my parents are from it. They both think of it fondly, but I think of it as quite the useless dump. Apparently Sedaris is from Endwell.
So, my parents come through to see what it is I do (climb, work in the High Sierra, etc) and I give Mom the book and say, "This guy's from Endwell, maybe you know him?" We are sitting in the Tioga Pass Resort having breakfast. Full house in there.
"DAVID SEDARIS? I BABYSAT FOR HIM!" Oh crap. Now, that's sort of cool, right? But you have to meet my mother. She is incapable of original thought so she repeats the same phrases over and over and over. I think she attempts brainwashing instead of dialogue.
"I seriously did! He was such a little towhead! His mom had these diet caramels that I loved so I would eat them and then try to make it look like I hadn't. I seriously did! He was such a litte towhead! . . . "
So I give her the book and send her on her way.
A couple weeks later, "Oh my God, I know what made Sedaris gay! His father had a stack of Playboys four feet high in the bathroom. That totally screwed him up! He is so mean to his family. His mother was so nice! I can't believe he dished them like that. They were so nice! He is such a bad person. I know what made him gay! His . . ."
So, like the daily repeated bitching about Bill Clinton and his various scandals, I put that on the "You do not talk to me about this" list. It happens to be very, very long.
We went to see "Elf" in the movie theatres. I casually mention that the actress onscreen is Amy Sedaris. Bad idea. "They were such serious children. Not fun at all. So serious. God, he is such a bad person . . "
******
Time goes on, David Sedaris' fame begins to snowball. All of my friends know about him. On dates guys ask me if I read him . . . and Sedaris begins to sour for me . . . all I can hear in my head is "Oh my God, I know what made him gay!"
So . . . the buzz around campus is "David Sedaris is coming? Did you get tickets? Well did you?" No, I didn't, thankyouverymuch, I have had enough of David Sedaris. (Why can't you say his name singly, like "Sedaris," or "David.")
But then I go to the Dave Eggers reading on Thursday and really enjoy myself. We all meet up for beers at my friends' wife's workplace (a seedy little bar) and she asks about David Sedaris and I tell my story of my deep seated hatred of him thanks to my mother.
But Madeline (the bartender) suggests that my mother GO, since she so clearly is interested in his family. My whole family is coincidentally staying in Santa Barbara for a while at my brother's house while he is out of town. You see, as much as it pains me to spend time with my mother, I do love her, and I know that taking her to see David Sedaris would tickle her enough to repeat the story to everyone she knows for the rest of her life. So I call her up and she agrees to drive up tonight.
We're sitting at dinner, two grad student friends and their families plus my mom and I, nine total. Everyone's having a good time, and my mother is talking to my friends' parents so I focus my attention on my friends. At some point, my mom is very, very attention hogging, decides to tell my friends the cute little story about how my parents met.
THey grew up in the same town but went to rival high schools. Her mom says she should meet him for rides or something, and she so happens to only date football players, which my father is (gag, gag). Well, they never do hook up because she is put off by doing what her mom says (like someone else we know?) and by happenstance, they meet, fall deeply in lust, and that's the end of that. My mother finishes off this cute little tale by telling my friends, "You know those relationships who are built on nothing but attraction don't work? They do. Kristin's father and I are together solely for the sex."
Cue me throwing my head back (I have come to expect comments like this) and my friends' eyes going wide.
So then she goes, "You know, Kristin, it would be a MUCH better present if you got me backstage to talk to him." Well, the thing is, I probably can, but I am not stupid. David Sedaris probably is used to his fifth grade school chums running up to him and telling him they know him. it's not very exciting. So I feign ignorance about how to get that done.
So, we go into the giant auditorium. We're way up because I have no money, so David Sedaris is about a quarter inch high, and all I can see is that he has a pink shirt on. Though I was going mainly for my mother, who is nudging me in the side going, "He's so ugly! I never understood that! His parents were very handsome!" I concede that he is funny. I also realize I write like him, and damn it, I should be as rich as him, too.
Halfway through the show he starts to talk about his benefit book that's just coming out and she detects the show's nearly over. In full voice she says, "Well, we have to go get in line!" For what? "For the book signing! I will talk to him!" Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God oh God.
"No, Mom, shhhh I want to hear this," and, in typical Mommy fashion, she doesn't give a flying ratusi about what I want.
"Kristin, come on, let's get in line."
"I am NOT getting in line."
"Well, I am, and I don't want to go alone."
"You are going alone!" I say in full volume, suddenly mortified that I have allowed myself to disrupt others, "PLease please please please shut up!"
"I want to get in line!"
"So go!"
"Not alone!"
"Get in the effing line!" (Mom makes me want to swear, but I'm in public, so . . ."
"Come on!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Finally . . .
"Well, *I* am going."
She gets up, and I enjoy the second half of the show without her sharp elbow in my ribs and her raspy smoker's voice in my brain.
******
Lights up, I get out and walk down the steps. Mom is first in line. Surprise. I walk right past her and wait for my friends to show.
Jason: "Dude, was that your mom the one who shouted something out in the middle?"
Courtney: "That must have been embarrassing!"
Me: "Actually, no! I am so surprised!"
Jason: "Where is she?"
Me: "First in line at the book signing."
Jason: "This should be worth watching."
So, we five grad students trudge over to the line and hide behind some displays, watching for him to appear. I note that the security guard tells someone, "We have his old babysitter here." People are impressed. I wonder if I am the only one that's kind of weirded by it. She's obviously told everyone she's met.
When he does, my mom leaps up, hugs him and then kisses him (on the lips), ruffling his hair.
Please, dear reader, remember that he has no idea who she is. Do you even remember you babysitter's name?
She leans WAY over, so basically her pendulous breasts are hanging in his lap and he smiles nicely and nods. She writes something down. He writes something down. He signs her book.
She gets up proudly. My friends are disappointed and go home.
"Wait!" she says as we are leaving, "I want a picture!" The table distinctly says "No pictures at the book signing." I tell her so.
"He'll take a picture for ME!"
Oh no.
So she goes over there, steps behind the table, interrupts his book signing by ruffling his hair and says, "Take a photo with me."
And by God, he obliges!
So now, and I wish I could get it into my own computer, I have a photo of my estatic mother and a bemused David Sedaris.
The whole way home she said, "Oh, and when I told him where i was from, he was like 'Wayne Street' and I say! Yes! And, oh, he was very nice. Very nice. I told him he was very meant to his family and he was apologetic an dhe said Lou was doing really well. And then this guy in line was like, "Why is she so familliar with him," and he looks up and says, 'She was my babysitter.' My babysitter! Oh, and when I told him where I was from . . . "
I looked in the book: the address for his London agent and the signing reads: "You deserved more than fifty cents an hour."
Hey! I feel better now! Maybe double homicide can wait.
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yak
Apr 25, 2005, 7:09 AM
Post #2 of 20
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Registered: Feb 1, 2004
Posts: 410
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Remember you only have one Mother.
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yak
Apr 25, 2005, 7:22 AM
Post #3 of 20
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Registered: Feb 1, 2004
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But 2 roommates....surely you don't need both.
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climbinginchico
Apr 25, 2005, 7:37 AM
Post #4 of 20
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Registered: Mar 24, 2004
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Double homicidal urges should never have to wait. The world is overpopulated as it is. Removing said morons from the gene pool does the rest of us a service. :wink:
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din
Apr 25, 2005, 7:54 AM
Post #5 of 20
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Registered: Feb 1, 2004
Posts: 496
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I was hoping this was going to be about sedaris toproping. :0(
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wingnut
Apr 25, 2005, 12:42 PM
Post #6 of 20
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
Posts: 754
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hahaha!
Feel good to get that heavy burden off your chest, huh?
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madriver
Apr 25, 2005, 12:59 PM
Post #7 of 20
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Registered: Oct 17, 2001
Posts: 8700
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In reply to: Hey! I feel better now! Maybe double homicide can wait.
...phtttttt...act on your urges and write a book...
love
mr
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web_slave
Apr 25, 2005, 2:10 PM
Post #8 of 20
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Registered: Aug 1, 2003
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In reply to: Remember you only have one Mother.
Really? Cause I've had four so far and I'm only 28.
You want one?
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din
Apr 25, 2005, 2:18 PM
Post #9 of 20
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Registered: Feb 1, 2004
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In reply to: In reply to: Remember you only have one Mother. Really? Cause I've had four so far and I'm only 28. You want one?
had or "had"?
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macherry
Apr 25, 2005, 3:11 PM
Post #10 of 20
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Registered: Sep 10, 2003
Posts: 15848
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very funny read mac
good style
nice way to start my morning
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micronut
Apr 25, 2005, 3:47 PM
Post #11 of 20
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Registered: Sep 11, 2002
Posts: 1760
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david who?
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kimmyt
Apr 25, 2005, 5:03 PM
Post #12 of 20
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Registered: Sep 10, 2003
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Very good. Now where's my Eggers TR? *sigh*
K.
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maculated
Apr 25, 2005, 5:15 PM
Post #13 of 20
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Registered: Dec 23, 2001
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Kimmy, Eggers was amusing during the reading, but he turns out to be kinda weird in real life. Nothing worth writing about.
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kimmyt
Apr 25, 2005, 5:21 PM
Post #14 of 20
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Registered: Sep 10, 2003
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Damn. I really had the hots for him after reading A Staggering Work....on a side note, my brother is a graphic artist and works for a bookjacket designing firm, and knows Eggers' brother (who apparently is also an author). Apparently, he's a jackass. The brother, but it was apparently bad enough that my brother refuses to read any of Dave Eggers' stuff.
Just an interesting tidbit.
K.
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shakylegs
Apr 25, 2005, 5:25 PM
Post #15 of 20
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Registered: Aug 20, 2001
Posts: 4774
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So, if your mom knows what made him gay, does she know what made him lisp?
Was "the man" there?
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costellobr
Apr 26, 2005, 12:32 PM
Post #16 of 20
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Registered: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 265
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nice story. that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger.
fucked up families, who doesn't have one?
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bumblie
Apr 26, 2005, 1:10 PM
Post #17 of 20
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Registered: Mar 18, 2003
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In reply to: fucked up families, who doesn't have one?
I don't. But then again, my girls are only 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. Give me 10 or 15 years. :lol:
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timstich
Apr 30, 2005, 4:56 AM
Post #18 of 20
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Registered: Feb 3, 2003
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In reply to: Double homicidal urges should never have to wait. The world is overpopulated as it is. Removing said morons from the gene pool does the rest of us a service. :wink:
You'd like Joe Coleman, I think.
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maculated
Apr 30, 2005, 5:55 AM
Post #19 of 20
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Registered: Dec 23, 2001
Posts: 6179
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Did he invent the flannel sleeping bag?
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timstich
Apr 30, 2005, 6:16 AM
Post #20 of 20
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Registered: Feb 3, 2003
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In reply to: Did he invent the flannel sleeping bag?
Ha ha ha. And, no.
Great story about Sedaris. I AM SERIOUS.
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