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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 4:10 AM
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My SO's best friend is a climber, and has invited me to climb with him. Now, I know how strong the blood flows between "brothers" (haha). So I certainly don't want to do anything wrong.
However, I want to improve on my climbing, and with my crazy schedule, it's hard to find a consistent partner. This other fellow LIVES in the NP area, so that makes things a lot easier in accessibility.
**Please note: there is NO hidden agenda with him. He's an honest-to-god harmless guy.
If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there).
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htotsu
Apr 5, 2007, 4:28 AM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: My SO's best friend is a climber, and has invited me to climb with him. Now, I know how strong the blood flows between "brothers" (haha). So I certainly don't want to do anything wrong. However, I want to improve on my climbing, and with my crazy schedule, it's hard to find a consistent partner. This other fellow LIVES in the NP area, so that makes things a lot easier in accessibility. **Please note: there is NO hidden agenda with him. He's an honest-to-god harmless guy. If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there).
Ok, presuming you're serious and have any question about what to do here,
1) do not go climbing with your SO's best friend unless your SO is present.
2) if your SO is available to climb with you, then I guess your schedule isn't quite so crazy that you don't have someone to climb with, is it?
3) if the idea of climbing with your SO isn't as appealing as climbing with the friend because the friend is better, how exciting do you think it would be for your SO to watch you watch another guy outclimb him?
Honestly. Just say no. Trust, maturity, yadda yadda yadda - yes he should trust you, yes it shouldn't matter, but you are incredibly naive if you think the friend is 100% harmless. Any dude who asks his best friend's girlfriend to go climbing with him alone, and does so without the express knowledge of said best friend, is SKETCH.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 4:57 AM
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htotsu wrote: Ok, presuming you're serious and have any question about what to do here, 1) do not go climbing with your SO's best friend unless your SO is present. 2) if your SO is available to climb with you, then I guess your schedule isn't quite so crazy that you don't have someone to climb with, is it? 3) if the idea of climbing with your SO isn't as appealing as climbing with the friend because the friend is better, how exciting do you think it would be for your SO to watch you watch another guy outclimb him? Honestly. Just say no. Trust, maturity, yadda yadda yadda - yes he should trust you, yes it shouldn't matter, but you are incredibly naive if you think the friend is 100% harmless. Any dude who asks his best friend's girlfriend to go climbing with him alone, and does so without the express knowledge of said best friend, is SKETCH.
Whoa, before you make any further assumptions, let me say that it's a double-standard to say that it's ok for my S.O. to go off on two week trips with his other friends---but to say that I can't indulge in a sport that makes me happy.
Also: I work during normal hours and go to grad school part-time; my SO is a project manager working THIRD shift. Consequently our schedules don't match up all the time.
"any dude who asks his best friend's girlfriend to go climbing..."
Not true. I stated that I'm more than willing to bring him along. This has nothing to do with skill level or whatever.
I would hope that I didn't come off as naive as you thought. I apologize if I gave that impression...
(This post was edited by marinaaxid25 on Apr 5, 2007, 5:00 AM)
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cantbuymefriends
Apr 5, 2007, 1:14 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there).
You can't climb with your S.O. cause your schedules don't match.
How, then, would he be able to tag along and watch you climb with someone else?
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lhwang
Apr 5, 2007, 1:48 PM
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Am I the only one here who doesn't see this as necessarily a problem? Potentially a problem, yes. But a problem just because it's a girl and a guy? Not in my opinion, and I kind of find that a sad assumption to make. Certainly I've lost a few guy friends/climbing partners because their girlfriends were not comfortable with us continuing to be friends even though there was no chance in hell that anything inappropriate would have happened.
I would not disregard the invitation unless you were getting vibes that the friend is interested in something more than friendship with you. I've climbed with a few of my boyfriend's friends... in fact if I'm having trouble finding a partner for a day when he's busy he'll often say "Maybe J's free... give him a call."
I don't think you need to take any special precautions aside from getting your SO's input beforehand and being upfront and honest with him about it.
As for climbing as a group, I would hope your SO's ego is healthy enough that another guy climbing harder than him would not send him into a whiny, sulky funk.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 1:49 PM
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Because he doesn't work on WEEKENDS.
you know what? I won't go into the details of our work schedules because that's not really the issue here right?
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wanderlustmd
Apr 5, 2007, 1:51 PM
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Talk to you SO
Talk to your SO's best friend
Talk about it with your SO and your SO's best friend
Just talk
Talking is good, as it puts everything out in the open
If something doesn't feel comfortable, don't do it.
I don't really agree with the idea that there are no harmless people in this context; granted, it might be less than common, but my best pal's his ex-girlfriend (is now an ex due to completely un-related circumstances) and I got to be very good friends when they were dating. We all met at the same time, they started dating and we started hanging out. We'd have coffee, climb whatever. Yes I was still single, no we didn't move beyond a friendship. My friend was totally cool with it, we trusted each other, he trusted his girlfriend and all was well.
Yep that's it, no epic slaighterhouse betrayal or sexual misconduct....in terms of our cirlce of friendship, anway. That said, I think its a bit rare. As long as there is trust present (and people are genuinely benign in their intent....this is a big one...) there is no reason it can't work out.
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lena_chita
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Apr 5, 2007, 2:08 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there).
This part got me confused, too. If your SO's friend invites you to go climbing, and your SO can ALSO go climbing at the same time, then why isn't your SO's friend inviting your SO as well as you?
And if your SO can go climbing with you, then it isn't called "you going climbing with SO's friend and inviting your SO along" it is called " You going climbing with your SO and his friend"...
The dynamics the way you describe it seems really weird. I just don't see why he is asking YOU to go climbing with him.
A more natural scenario (to me) would be something like this: Your SO's friend calls/E-mails you AND your SO: "Hey, guys, want to go climbing this weekend? The weather looks gorgeous. I could go Friday night and stay until Sunday night...."
Then your SO says: sorry, not this weekend, I have to work Saturday afternoon.
And you say: I could go... I'm free this weekend.
I don't see why your SO would have a problem with jealousy in this scenario at all...
But scenario number 2: Your SO's friend E-mails YOU: "Hey, want to go climbing htis weekend?"
And you say:"Yeah, I'd love to."-- Then you go to your SO and say:"Hey, your friend invited me climbing, want to come along?" --I'd say I would understand why he would be feeling uneasy about something like that...
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bizarrodrinker
Apr 5, 2007, 2:14 PM
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Posting here is just complicating a very simple issue. If you feel like it, go climbing with the guy. Tell the SO, see how he reacts. If they are good friends he won't have a problem. If the guy turns out to be shady, let the SO know and don't climb with the guy anymore.
Very simple.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 2:56 PM
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If I gave out details about the friend's mannerisms, location where he was sitting, what he was doing, etc etc. you guys would think "geez, get to the point!"
I wanted to condense this what I thought was a questionable thing--into a more clear and concise way.
Nonetheless a lot of you had some good points. Something to think about.
I can't speak for my SO's best friend, but I will speak for myself---I've known him for almost five years, and he a decent guy. He respects our relationship (and I respect his friendship with my other half). I am sensitive to other people's feelings, and will act on that accordingly. Do I think my SO is a little paranoid? Yes, a little, but it's normal. As long as it's not impeding on the things I love to do.
If he's still insecure about the notion of my climbing with his best friend, then I'm not sure if he trusts his friend completely. And from what I've observed, they're like two peas in a pod!!
So I guess my next ques. is would it be best to wait until his invitation to climb comes up again?
(This post was edited by marinaaxid25 on Apr 5, 2007, 2:58 PM)
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happiegrrrl
Apr 5, 2007, 4:28 PM
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It would seem.....that the "proper" channel would be that his friend mentions he'd like to climb with you to his friend(your SO) to see if he's cool with it before broaching the subject with you.
It does mess with the dynamic, in a sense, the way it appears to be going down. Call BS, say times have changed, equality and all that, but the fact is that it puts your guy in the position of being....I din't know the word....I'm just going to say the cuckold. It's not right, but it's what I can come up with at this moment.
Best thing, now, would be to mention it to your guy. Something like "Hey, Friend asked if I'd like to go climbing. How do you feel about that?"
At any rate, things "should" be in the open, with all parties having similar pieces of the puzzle. If that's not the case.......then somethin's up.
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crazygirl
Apr 5, 2007, 4:37 PM
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is this topic for real?
sometimes i think people make issues where there are none. he invited you to go climbing, there is no hidden agenda, so go!
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 4:40 PM
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Hey Terrie, long time no "speak"...
Yeah I was thinking of telling my other half that BS suggested to go climb, (and would he like to join us.) Yes, he prob. should've raised this idea with his friend FIRST, but I guess seeing that he's open to climbing as a threesome, I don't see why my S.O. should get upset.
As long as all ends of communication are open...I think I shold be ok. Whilst it's a great opportunity to climb, it does put a few individuals in an awkward spot. Jealousy is a damn ugly thing. But if I can put up with my S.O. going off with BS to party down in Florida (this actually occurred), then I kind of expect him to return that trust, and allow me to do what I can to improve my climbing. Provided that I keep him in the know.
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slablizard
Apr 5, 2007, 5:30 PM
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A bit paraonic.
what's wrong with climbing with somebody else than the person you (I assume) love?
I can't use that horrid term "Significant Other" it sounds so aseptic, so politically correct aaah! Nevah!
If there is any attaction I am sure you will be able to defuse it right? I don't see any logic in avoiding contact with all the men you "might be attracted to" to keep your relationship going.
If just climbing with another guy could destroy it, it doesn't sounds that strong in the first place.
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 5:52 PM
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Hmm...I use that term because I don't use real names if the people are the subject matter(s) at hand. Don't blame it on being PC...it's the way I write. By the time I hit 30, the term "boyfriend" is going to sound juvenile. I'm not exactly lazy when it comes to writing out my thoughts.
Like I said before, lots of good points have been made. Just because I want to make sure my SO (ooooohh! there goes that dreaded word you hate) is okay with this, doesn't say that our relationship is weak.
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slablizard
Apr 5, 2007, 5:58 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: Hmm...I use that term because I don't use real names if the people are the subject matter(s) at hand. Don't blame it on being PC...it's the way I write. By the time I hit 30, the term "boyfriend" is going to sound juvenile. I'm not exactly lazy when it comes to writing out my thoughts. Like I said before, lots of good points have been made. Just because I want to make sure my SO (ooooohh! there goes that dreaded word you hate) is okay with this, doesn't say that our relationship is weak.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to attach you to the word, I was talking about the term in general. I'd rather say my partner, my woman / man...I just don't like the term.
Anyway I didn't mean to say that you relationship is weak either (my english must be worse than I think) but only that IF just climbing with another guy threatens your relationship (even just in theory) ther's a problem.
If you are a strong couple you should be able to climb with Alex Huber ( insert hot climber name) and not blink an eye.
Or blink it but keep your hands on the rope..so to speak.
like "look but don't touch" kind of thing.
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iamthewallress
Apr 5, 2007, 6:16 PM
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I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where both of us didn't hope that the other would also become great friends with their respective best friends.
In fact, after being in a relationship for 5 years, I've found that the friends that one or the other of us didn't click w/ very well end up drifting away somewhat. I guess 'who comes first' when time is limited sort of depends on how serious your relationship is.
My bf's best friend works in the Mtn. Shoppe in Yosemite, so I had met him once before I started dating my SO (although he would have had no reason to remember me.) Just a couple of weeks after we started dating, the three of us had planned to meet up for dinner. (I still had never 'remet' his friend.) My climbing plans for the day wound up early, and I knew his friend got off earlier than we were planning on meeting, so I stopped by the shop, introduced myself, and asked him if he wanted to do a short climb before meeting up w/ my bf for dinner. We had a blast, and my bf was so psyched that two people that he cared about got to have some fun on the rock and get to know each other a little.
Edit...I didn't see slablizards post. The first time I went out w/ my bf (before we were actually dating), he, Alex Huber, and a gf of mine went bar hopping. I guess since I was into my now bf and not Alex, he' can feel safe w/ me climbing with anyone, eh?
(This post was edited by iamthewallress on Apr 5, 2007, 7:26 PM)
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 6:19 PM
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Apologies accepted. And no offense taken.
Alex Huber--not my type. I don't really dig guys with long hair. But if Chris Sharma called to see if I wanted to climb, then all my good senses are out the window!
EDIT:
I find that it's so rare that the boyfriend/girlfriend's best friend is so open to hanging out with his/her "ball and chain". I guess it depends if the Best Friend is comfortable around the othe person. This is the first time I've gotten along really well with his best friend.
(This post was edited by marinaaxid25 on Apr 5, 2007, 6:22 PM)
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caughtinside
Apr 5, 2007, 6:23 PM
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Are you talking about real climbing or just gym climbing here?
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marinaaxid25
Apr 5, 2007, 6:27 PM
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I'm talking tendon-tweaking-muscle-burning-finger-scraping-teeth-grinding real climbing.
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caughtinside
Apr 5, 2007, 6:37 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: I'm talking tendon-tweaking-muscle-burning-finger-scraping-teeth-grinding real climbing.
that's my favorite kind! but it has to be outdoors. I've done plenty of tendon tweaking in the gym, to hell with that.
It should be cool, but you should let your boyfriend know what's up, and maybe even invite him along for the day. Someone has to carry the wine and cheese after all, and it might as well be the guy who isn't climbing.
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phillygoat
Apr 5, 2007, 7:13 PM
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Physical attractiveness: The elephant in the room here.
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wonderwoman
Apr 5, 2007, 8:31 PM
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If there's nothing going on in the back of your mind and it's truly a pure and sincere climbing invitation, then why would you not bring it up right away with your SO? It seems like you are either making something out of nothing, or maybe there is something not right about this invitation that you need to be honest with yourself about.
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erisspirit
Apr 5, 2007, 8:42 PM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: My SO's best friend is a climber, and has invited me to climb with him. Now, I know how strong the blood flows between "brothers" (haha). So I certainly don't want to do anything wrong. However, I want to improve on my climbing, and with my crazy schedule, it's hard to find a consistent partner. This other fellow LIVES in the NP area, so that makes things a lot easier in accessibility. **Please note: there is NO hidden agenda with him. He's an honest-to-god harmless guy. If he asks me (again) about going climbing, I will raise this with my other half. Would any of you disregard this invitation, or take precautions as to not make the S.O. jealous? (we could always invite him along, no problem there).
does you SO have a problem with it? When I want to go climbing with anyone I say hey I'm meeting ______ for climbing, male or female. He either comes or stays home (he is new to climbing). I am 100% open and honest with who I climb with, and my SO trusts me so there is no issue. I climb with almost all guys, and until recently some he had never met and just had to have faith that what I said about them was true.
If he has issues with you climbing with his friends or guys in general even, then you either will have to find someone else to climb with or better yet address the obvious issue of insecurities that are leading to a lack of trust.
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