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zip_ty
Dec 4, 2006, 8:34 PM
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Can someone please refresh my memory as to when the definition of optional changed?
Here's a situation...there are many more like it involving a wide range of adults that I associate with...maybe I am in the wrong and if so please tell me.
First: My office decided to have an office Christmas party. They sent out formal invitations and asked for everyone to RSVP. I sent my RSVP to the appropriate person and told them that my girlfriend and I would not be attending the party. I thought since they had sent out invitations and asked for people to RSVP that meant the event was optional.
When one of my co-workers asked if I was attending and I said no she got very upset and became very rude towards me. She told me that I was just being selfish for not wanting to attend and that part of being an adult was doing things you didn't want to do. She then went on to say that this event was about spending time with the people who make your life hell. All of this from a person who I used to consider a very good friend.
Now it is after the party and everyone at work knows that I did not attend. More of my co-workers have taken it upon themselves to very rudely complain about how I was selfish and immature for not dragging my girlfriend to an event neither of us wanted to go to, just so they could meet her.
Did I miss something? I thought part of being an adult was making your own choices and not just following the lemmings off the cliff. Is there something wrong with wanting to spend the weekend at home with my girlfriend and not with a bunch of people that I spend 90% of my weekdays with?
I'm having another argument with my family over my lack of interest in bringing my girlfriend to dinner. They keep telling me that coming over by myself is totally acceptable yet every time I do all I hear is how disappointed my family is that my girlfriend didn't come. With Christmas approaching this argument has blown up into a huge family debate. So far I have gotten the same line from every member of my family. "We want you to have the desire to bring her over". Translation: Seeing your girlfriend is the only thing we're interested in.
If I'm in the wrong in either case I'd love to know.
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sevrdhed
Dec 4, 2006, 8:42 PM
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The only option for you is to nail 'er in the pooper, I'm afraid.
Good luck!
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jgloporto
Dec 4, 2006, 9:28 PM
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I have come to conclude that there are almost no options in life. Probably 90% of the things we do, we are compelled to do whether we like it or not. My wife asks me to fix something, sure I have the option of saying no but to do so translates into a miserable couple of days. It would be cleaner if I was instructed by her to do something, but I personally think asking is only being polite. My boss will ask me to do something, my wife will ask me to do something, my parents will ask me to do something. In actuality, it might as well be "do this or else!" There are no choices. I could bag my job and head out to Yosemite for month or spend a month sitting on a beach in the Carribean with some of them fancy mixed drinks but then the kids would starve.
The holidays simply ratchet this servitude up to the next level. Thus my advice is get yourself a decent supply of hard liquor, add some prescription sedatives and pain killers and go numb 'til the new year.
Therefore, load up on the booze, bring the girlfriend to Christmas dinner, get engaged, get married, buy a house, get a dog, mow the lawn, paint your shed, have kids and just accept it that we do not control our destinies like we think.
You might want to try the whole "do 'er in the pooper" thing as some wise person mentioned above as well...
Merry F*%king Christmas!
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vertical_reality
Dec 4, 2006, 9:34 PM
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Your girlfriend must be pretty fuckin' ugly. 
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styndall
Dec 4, 2006, 9:52 PM
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The bit about the company Christmas party is pretty weird.
You shouldn't fault your family for wanting to meet your girlfriend, though, especially if you've been with her for a long time. They're your family, and they'd probably like to be a pretty big deal in your life. It makes sense that they would feel disconnected from you if you've got something as big as a long-term girlfriend who they've heard about but that you don't want them to meet.
In reply to: So far I have gotten the same line from every member of my family. "We want you to have the desire to bring her over". Translation: Seeing your girlfriend is the only thing we're interested in.
Your translation here is totally bunk. A much better version:
We want to be close as a family, and it sucks that you don't want to share a big part of your life with us.
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macherry
Dec 4, 2006, 10:00 PM
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as far as office xmas parties go.......unless it's during work time, it is optional.
The girlfriend at xmas, what the hell is the problem with bringing her home? If i was your girlfriend (and you've mentioned you live together) and you weren't bringing me around to visit the family, i'd be a little upset. I can see why your family would want her around
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nthusiastj
Dec 4, 2006, 10:07 PM
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Remember the saying, "Misery loves company."
I have an exceptionally good life. There have been times that I've found people I work with, and even associate with at times to take a abnormal interest in why I'm perfectly happy single, poor, and at times voluntarily homeless.
As someone has already said, sometimes people think that they have no choice about choices. I assume that comes from being married, having kids, a new car payment, a house, with a second mortgage, a varing number of children depending on you, and extended family to deal with. They may feel like they can't make the choice they want to because of all of these obligations.
They may just be jealous of your freedom to be jealous.
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zip_ty
Dec 4, 2006, 10:09 PM
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In reply to: I'm sure she's a very lovely person on the inside
Inside and out...but that's beside the point.
Well it looks like I have been corrected re: my family. We've already made plans to come over for Christmas for a few hours. But that's not enough for them I think. I guess my thinking on this is in the long scheme of things my girlfriend and I haven't been together that long and my family is acting as if we're going to get married. I just don't see the importance of bringing her over I guess.
Edit:
In reply to: The girlfriend at xmas, what the hell is the problem with bringing her home? If i was your girlfriend (and you've mentioned you live together) and you weren't bringing me around to visit the family, i'd be a little upset. I can see why your family would want her around
It's not so much a matter of me not inviting her. I mention family events and if they seem like something she's interested in she is always more than welcome to come. She usually makes the decision not to come on her own.
It is very strange to compare the reactions of her parents vs the reactions of my parents. Her parents understand when I don't want to come over. They extend an invitation but if I decline they go about their lives as normal.
(This post was edited by zip_ty on Dec 4, 2006, 10:21 PM)
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climbsomething
Dec 4, 2006, 10:14 PM
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The office party thing is bizarre. And this line just confuses me:
In reply to: She then went on to say that this event was about spending time with the people who make your life hell.
I agree, these people are just jealous that you had the stones to say "no." I bet a lot of them didn't want to be there either, but went anyway.
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macherry
Dec 4, 2006, 10:27 PM
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zip_ty wrote: In reply to: I'm sure she's a very lovely person on the inside Inside and out...but that's beside the point. Well it looks like I have been corrected re: my family. We've already made plans to come over for Christmas for a few hours. But that's not enough for them I think. I guess my thinking on this is in the long scheme of things my girlfriend and I haven't been together that long and my family is acting as if we're going to get married. I just don't see the importance of bringing her over I guess. Edit: In reply to: The girlfriend at xmas, what the hell is the problem with bringing her home? If i was your girlfriend (and you've mentioned you live together) and you weren't bringing me around to visit the family, i'd be a little upset. I can see why your family would want her around It's not so much a matter of me not inviting her. I mention family events and if they seem like something she's interested in she is always more than welcome to come. She usually makes the decision not to come on her own. It is very strange to compare the reactions of her parents vs the reactions of my parents. Her parents understand when I don't want to come over. They extend an invitation but if I decline they go about their lives as normal.
there ya go, if everyone is cool no need to worry!!!
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grampacharlie
Dec 4, 2006, 10:35 PM
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Just for the record, I would suggest bringing the ladyfriend over at least twice before x-mas. It is a stressful time of year and can be akward enough, let alone adding to it by meeting the folks for the first time.
As for the office party, I imagine that the other people in your office are pissed because they felt obligated to go, had a shitty time, and didn't have the spine to say 'no'.
That they went and had a poor evening is their choice, and no one elses. that being said, they are the ones who need to take responsibility for their actions, and no one else.
Next time someone at work bitches about it, kick'em in the balls, or punch'm in the tit, and leave. Their pain need not be your pain.
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reno
Dec 4, 2006, 10:45 PM
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To the co-workers: "My girlfriend and I both regret that we couldn't join you at the party."
To the family: "My girlfriend regrets that she won't be able to attend dinner this weekend."
Then, if they (co-workers OR family) press, tell them "I'd rather not discuss this issue any longer. Can we move on, please?"
It's a "Nunya" issue. As in you tell them "Nun ya damn bidness."
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grampacharlie
Dec 4, 2006, 10:49 PM
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I still say that violence is the answer! 
Arrgh! anyone who be talkin' back will be feeling the back of my hand, and the heel of my boot!!!
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snoangel
Dec 4, 2006, 11:07 PM
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I blow off company events ALL the time. Unless you are being paid to be there, it is absolutely optional. If you feel the need to attend so that you can schmooze the boss, then do it. If you have something else you'd rather do, then don't go. I have yet to regret a party I passed up to instead head into the mountains for the weekend.
As a matter of fact, I just skipped my office party last night as I was exhausted from a long weekend of sailing. I got the update today and am glad I chose to stay home chatting on the phone with a friend instead. 
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colotopian
Dec 5, 2006, 12:50 AM
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Yep. Tough time, tough choices. Good chance you only live once, so do what you want. Screw guilt trips. I always wondered how and what people who put others through guilt trips would do if they were put through one.
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jakedatc
Dec 5, 2006, 1:10 AM
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I know i've bailed on optional things and people are like heeey but never gotten a ton of shit about it before..
so yea.. screw 'em if they give you a choice and you pick no.. that's their problem not yours
Me and the gf are going to my works party this weekend.. although i'm in a unique setting where my boss and his wife are the owners of the clinic and it already has a family/friendly feel with everyone i work with.
thank Dinojesus i don't work in an office 
(This post was edited by jakedatc on Dec 5, 2006, 1:11 AM)
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unabonger
Dec 5, 2006, 2:22 AM
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reno wrote: To the co-workers: "My girlfriend and I both regret that we couldn't join you at the party." To the family: "My girlfriend regrets that she won't be able to attend dinner this weekend." Then, if they (co-workers OR family) press, tell them "I'd rather not discuss this issue any longer. Can we move on, please?"
Do not regret it. Find the truth and say it. "We just couldn't make it".
"She just couldn't make it."
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hangerlessbolt
Dec 5, 2006, 3:27 AM
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chanceboarder wrote: vertical_reality wrote: Your girlfriend must be pretty fuckin' ugly. Don't mind him, I'm sure she's a very lovely person on the inside. Now just grow up and stick a bag over her head and bring her to dinner for peat sake!  Jason
or slide a plate under the cage
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hangerlessbolt
Dec 5, 2006, 3:33 AM
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macherry wrote: as far as office xmas parties go.......unless it's during work time, it is optional. The girlfriend at xmas, what the hell is the problem with bringing her home? If i was your girlfriend (and you've mentioned you live together) and you weren't bringing me around to visit the family, i'd be a little upset. I can see why your family would want her around
Off-hours office parties are typically "optional", which translates to:
If you're in management, your ass had better be there!
If you're not in management, but have hopes of someday getting there, your ass had better be there.
Otherwise, do whatever the hell you want...you selfish bastard!
As far as the fam goes...go ahead, dude, you can tell us...she's black isn't she?
Hey...no...it's cool, man,...got a little jungle fever happening. I can dig it
You just don't want Grams having a coronary over the stuffing
I dated a beautiful African American girl in high school...my family just about shit their wranglers. Welcome to Southern living.
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htotsu
Dec 5, 2006, 3:43 AM
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Zip, it sounds like your fam hasn't met her, but hers has met you. Is this the case?
Also, you say it's not serious, and yet she's your automatic "and", meaning "I and my girlfriend will not attend the party" for a work event. For a WORK event she's your "and", yet your own family hasn't seen her, ever. Come on! How is that not strange? It is not unusual for them to want to meet this "and" of yours. Do you not want her to see something about them, or do you not want them to see something about her?
If dinner is too much, why not have her over for a little while just to make introductions, sit down and chat for 15-20 minutes before dinner. Then you two crazy kids can go on your way someplace nice while the fam stays and talks about the two of you over their own meal. Either way, just get it over with. But I agree that her first time over should definitely not be on Christmas.
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zip_ty
Dec 5, 2006, 4:19 AM
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Well the majority of my family has met Amy already. Granted I have seen Amy's mom one more time (3) than my mom has seen Amy(2). Both Grandparents have already met her as well.
My family is very quick to advise on how to live life. Amy and I are both people who want to do life our way. I don't like getting beta about life. Being with Amy has allowed me to distance myself from that and figure things out on my own.
Right now Amy and I are no where close to thinking about long term plans. Valentine's day will be our one year anniversary (smart huh!). We're just enjoying taking things day by day and figuring out life together. If, in the future, we start making long term plans then I will be more inclined to urge her to get to know my family. But for now I don't see the rush. I know how much I don't like going to family events so I leave the choice up to her. She wants to go for Christmas but hasn't wanted to before.
(This post was edited by zip_ty on Dec 5, 2006, 4:24 AM)
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squamishdirtbag
Dec 5, 2006, 4:23 AM
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This is how i see it
work+women=zero freewill
skip dinner and party and go climbing
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htotsu
Dec 5, 2006, 4:30 AM
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Aaaaaaaaaahhh. So they've met her, they just want to get to know her better. OK, that's diff. Well, if they're meddlesome and you just don't want to put her through that unless there's a really, really good reason (like if you become more serious) then I understand a little better where you must be coming from.
Sounds like your fam feels left out. Maybe they're worried. They need some kind of reassurrance of something - that they matter to you? That you still care about them? I dunno. I don't know how old you are, or how open your lines of communication are with them, but maybe this is worth talking to them about... calmly. Exploding over it will only make you look immature.
You could try this: explain that you do not see the need to have her over more unless it gets more serious, and that is not in the plans right now. When they press you, respond - calmly - that you understand their feelings, but the fact remains that... you do not see the need to have her over more unless it gets more serious, and that is not in the plans right now. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Eventually they will stop or go crazy. This will become far more frustrating than not having the girl over. It will also show that you have made your decision for now, and no amount of their whining will change it. They can either ruin all dinners in between now and the day when you bring her over, or they can accept that you, not they, will decide when you are ready to take that step.
Editing to add that I just saw your edit that she wants to go for Christmas. If she wants to then make the lady happy. Just give her an out of some kind in case things go family/holiday-haywire. Like, oh, plan to see Rocky Balboa or something. All the best!
(This post was edited by htotsu on Dec 5, 2006, 4:32 AM)
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rrrADAM
Dec 5, 2006, 4:31 AM
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Similar situations happen all the time...
When a girl asks, "does this outift make me look fat ???"
You have an 'optional' answer (yes / no), but if you know what's good for you, you're better off going for the 'mandatory' one (hell no).
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htotsu
Dec 5, 2006, 4:34 AM
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rrradam wrote: Similar situations happen all the time... When a girl asks, "does this outift make me look fat ???" You have an 'optional' answer (yes / no), but if you know what's good for you, you're better off going for the 'mandatory' one (hell no).
Some comedian once said his girlfriend once asked him, "Do these pants make me look fat?" He claims to have responded, "No, it's your big a$$ that makes you look fat."
I'm pretty sure they're not together anymore.
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zip_ty
Dec 5, 2006, 4:35 AM
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In reply to: You have an 'optional' answer (yes / no), but if you know what's good for you, you're better off going for the 'mandatory' one (hell no).
Isn't it better to just complement her before she asks? You know the whole pre-emptive strike deal.
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rrrADAM
Dec 5, 2006, 4:41 AM
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zip_ty wrote: In reply to: You have an 'optional' answer (yes / no), but if you know what's good for you, you're better off going for the 'mandatory' one (hell no). Isn't it better to just complement her before she asks? You know the whole pre-emptive strike deal.
I do this when I'm caught looking at another chick... "Ya know what honey... That outfit would look so much better on you."
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phaedrus
Dec 5, 2006, 5:11 AM
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Wow! Nice one, Adam! Damn... wish I'd thought of that (more than once).
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brent_e
Dec 5, 2006, 4:03 PM
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unabonger wrote: reno wrote: To the co-workers: "My girlfriend and I both regret that we couldn't join you at the party." To the family: "My girlfriend regrets that she won't be able to attend dinner this weekend." Then, if they (co-workers OR family) press, tell them "I'd rather not discuss this issue any longer. Can we move on, please?" Do not regret it. Find the truth and say it. "We just couldn't make it". "She just couldn't make it."
that's not the truth though.
the truth would be "I didn't want to be bored by your tedious and reprehensible personality."
Or, honestly, "I just didn't want to come."
truth hurts, but fuckit, if you back it up, what can they say??? "you're an ass." Who cares??? If you told them the truth, then that's that. Good on you.
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jbird2
Dec 5, 2006, 4:11 PM
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Put the house up as collateral to bail her out, and take her to the party.
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