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chi_girl
Jan 18, 2003, 8:15 PM
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I was just wondering if anyone ever goes through this- pressure from your boyfriend. I have been climbing for 2 years and I am about a 5.7-5.8 climber still. I just haven't had enough time to really climb A LOT. But I started climbing with my boy and we've both come a long way. It has been a great part of our relationship and something we both really enjoy doing together. I hope it is always like that. But one thing that sometimes comes up, is that he pressures me to keep up with him. And sometimes I feel like I am holding him back. Sometimes he even threatens me he will find a new partner, which is annoying, though I think it's cool to climb with different people (which we both do). But sometimes I don't really appreciate his pressure.
Does anyone else go through this?
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esimhs99
Jan 18, 2003, 11:02 PM
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dont let him make you feel bad about your climbing. people climb and advance at different rates. maybe it would be a good idea for you to both find people who are at your level (not to say that you can never climb with eachother, but just for spice). other than that just enjoy climbing with eachother. if you go to a gym, you can climb something at your level and then move to a different climb that is at his level. good luck!
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otter
Jan 19, 2003, 4:52 AM
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personally, that seems very selfish of him. Sure he should encourage you to try hard but for his own purposes? no! For you? yes! threatening to ditch you for another climbing partner is also a bit rude. Discussing it as a possibilty to better everyone's situation would be fine...but not as a threat.
You might find that you will be happier and more likely to improve if you have a climbing partner or two or three that are more supportive of you.
Climb for you!
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maiorlive
Jan 19, 2003, 6:16 AM
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I'm all for supportive, but chi-girl didn't mention how hard he climbs. If he's breaking into 11s, it would be frustrating (to say the least) to have a partner who was pulling 8s and not progressing fast. (I have no idea how chi_girl or her boy are progressing - it's just a hypothetical.)
Life partners is not the same thing as climbing partners. Often the two overlap. When they don't, its up to the life partners to be flexible, because there usually isn't as much room to maneuver between climbing partners.
W
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arak42
Jan 19, 2003, 4:51 PM
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My (ex?) boyfriend and I climbed together a lot and never really had that issue. I was just starting, 5.5/5.6 and he climbs 5.9-5.10s. Every once in a while he would try to get me on a 5.7 or 8. I would try it on top rope, not get to far and bail out. He was happy that I tried it. We got around him getting bored by sometimes going in a group. Often everyone in the group were better climbers than I was, but while the rest of the group was off doing a 5.9, someone would 'volenteer' to climb with me, and they usually rotated people. I felt bad because I though I was holding that person back from climbing the 'good stuff' but no one really minded because 1) they wanted me too climb too 2)they could work on things like technique and leading at lower levels, which is always beneficial. I guess this worked well because we loved being with other people. We found other activities to occupy our 'just the two of us' time
He was very supportive of my ability (or lack thereof!) but also always encouraged me to get better. We did argue a lot, but I can not remember one real arguement that we had at the rock, or about climbing come to think of it.
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estherator
Jan 19, 2003, 9:40 PM
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I'm of the opinion that "If he doesn't want to play nice, he shouldn't get to play at all" (Maybe that's why you have a boyfriend and I don't) That said, if you guys are doing sport, why don't you lead your 7, 8, or whatever, set up your rappell and clean on the way down, then let him do the same? Each of you gets a rest between climbs while belaying the other. That's how my buddies and I do it, when we are all climbing at different levels. Also, if the weakest climber leads, they can push their level, andif the don't top out, the stronger climber can come behind, finish, rappell, and clean. I don't see that this has to be any kind of issue as long as your man is willing to be reasonable.
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chi_girl
Jan 19, 2003, 10:03 PM
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Thanks for all of your advice. Otter, you mentioned something that I think about quite often- to make sure I climb for ME! And not for him. Actually, to answer someone's question, my boyfriend is a step ahead of me- about a 5.9 climber. One thing I really need to discover is how much I am willing to put into climbing and be honest with him. And even after two years, I am unsure of that. It still scares me quite a bit, but I love the thrill, the adventure, the accompliment, etc. Whenever we go out on a climbing adventure I respond apprehensively, and then when we're leaving-I just keep saying how cool and awesome it was! Kind of funny, I know. I just need to get over my fear I guess- to really improve. It's not really the physical level that I am at that he pressures me- it's all of the knowledge- ropes, anchors, etc. that I lack. And I just seem to never find the time to do it. Maybe I don't want to, that's something I need to think about. I was just curious though to see if anyone else goes through the same thing and what they felt about it. You know, woman to woman.
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ecocliffchick
Jan 20, 2003, 2:58 PM
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I'm sure alot of your fear is coming from a lack of knowledge. If you know yourself that you can rig your own anchors and escape the belay in an emergency situation and understand the ropework and climbing lingo, I'm sure you'll feel alot more confident when it comes to climbing. If you feel like you don't have time to "learn" it all, just get a subscription to a climbing magazine and leave each month's copy in your bathroom to read at your "leasure". Get a copy of "Self-rescue" and read a chapter before bed. Getting informed on the sport is the best way to get empowered.
Your fears while climbing could be coming from trusting your life to someone else and not knowing what you'd do if he wasn't there. Climb for yourself and enjoy what you are climbing. And really, you aren't falling behind if you're on 7's and 8's and he's just breaking into 9's.
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indigo_nite
Jan 22, 2003, 6:45 PM
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I've had that feeling. Maybe you should consider whether you want to eventually climb at the level of your boyfriend. If not, maybe you guys should have some climbing days separately.
One of my girlfriends says she doesn't practice leading b/c she's concerned about not challenging her boyfriend. hope you can find some happy compromise.
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rock_diva
Jan 23, 2003, 8:19 PM
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I don't get pressured...
But I do get encouragement and motivation no matter what level I decide to climb at on a given day. Whether I decide to lead a 5.10+ sport climb or a 5.5 trad climb -- it's all positive.
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mwbtle
Jan 23, 2003, 9:18 PM
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I think what everyone has said is good. I know personally, I got my boy into climbing, and he loves it which is great. He's better than I am, but he never makes me feel bad about it. If anything, he cheers more when I climb well than I do. He says he can't wait for me to catch up, but he never makes me feel bad, just encourages.
And other people are right, 1 grade isn't much. I've had my boy hop on climbs I just did (we're still top-roping, so this may not apply to you), and actually be challenged by them despite the fact that he's a good 2 grades ahead of me. He's stronger, but I can use smaller holds. You just have to find your strengths. Climb what's fun for you.
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gretchino
Mar 4, 2003, 3:49 PM
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Chi, I can totally relate to you on this one! I'm about your level as well and want despirately to improve to keep up with the boy and not feel like I'm holding him back. He assures me that I'm not and there are walls for everyone, but I don't agree.
His favorite place to climb is the Protrero...I just am not up to par to hit the walls he wants to unless he pulls me up them the whole way! :roll:
I've really come a long way and find myself trying to improve in ways that don't involve him (bouldering at the local gym, recruiting some of my collegues at work for lunch-time climbs, basically climbing anything that I can!).
We'll get there! Just keep practicing!
:P Gretch
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spider_woman
Mar 4, 2003, 4:04 PM
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I have a friend that was pressured by her now ex-boyfriend, to climb as hard as he did.......she is an good climber, and improves more every day......but he was relentless. We were on a easy multi-pitch at Stone Mtn., and she didn't like the height and wanted to go down, instead of walking off the top........no big deal right? The guy leaves her at the belay shuts for 45 mins, with no rope (she was anchored in), telling her he would rap down to get her when she was ready to climb, but she wasn't going down. In my opinion climbing should be fun and exciting something you look forward too no matter the grade.........it should also be a challenge, but not like the torture rack. And you should always climb for you, no one else........then you will reach your full potential. Just have fun!!!
-R. 8)
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wideguy
Mar 4, 2003, 6:35 PM
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Had to chime in with a male perspective and story.
I'm an avid skiier and wanted deperately to have my SO join me in one of my favorite activities. Long story short, she ends up on one trip following me down a very icy, barely intermediate trail in NH. Nasty spill, torn cartilage, never skiied again. She never wanted to be that high on the mountain to begin with and was terrified. To this day i feel like a world class jerk for pushing her and lost a great chance to share something I love with her.
Stick to your guns and climb what you enjoy, and ask him if he'd rather you stopped climbing with him completely. Hopefully he's smart enought to see it.
Just my $.02
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mreardon
Mar 4, 2003, 9:14 PM
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My wife climbs up to 5.9, my daughter climbs up to 5.10a. I tend to climb a bit harder (11/12 trad, 12/13 sport) and because I like to climb with people who climb harder then me, I go out with different folks regularly. When the three of us do climb together, we just make a point of spending half a day at each other's level at areas with climbs for all of us. For example, if we go to Josh for a weekend, I'll spend the morning warming up on their projects or bouldering around the base of the climbs between belays, and for the afternoon they'll come along with me to belay, boulder, or hang-out while I'm on my project. Usually there are enough climbs around that it's not difficult to find stuff for each of our levels.
The big thing to understand is that pushing a partner is one thing if you are truly excited for each other when they accomplish a goal. It's a bad thing if it becomes too competitive or you feel you are holding each other back. Find a compromise and work through it. And don't be afraid to grab other partners into the mix. We have 5 or 6 regular partners that we go out with and have fun climbing at an area with. If nothing else, try to do a bit more bouldering together where there is plenty for both of you and plenty of time to hang out in between.
Just my two cents...
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swohletz
Mar 7, 2003, 4:31 AM
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I agree with many of the others...climb for you. Remember why you climb and make sure you keep that in the forefront of your mind while you climb. Maybe you and your boyfriend can climb together sometimes and find other partners at each of your levels (with similar goals and motivations) that you can climb with other times. Hopefully, that will give you balance and help you guys enjoy your time climbing together and release some potential tension.....my opinion.
susan
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climbinggirl33
Mar 8, 2003, 4:15 AM
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I used to climb with an ex who was almost a foot taller than I am . . . while I didn't realize it at the time he always encouraged me to climb a route the same way he did, and I would get frustrated when I didn't make the climb. Once I was solo again and climbing outside of the "drama" from that doomed relationship = I started focusing on my strengths and improved a lot.
Try hooking up at a woman's climbing weekend and bond. Focus on technique - you'll get re-energized and maybe could show that man of yours a thing or two.
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