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carnaged
Feb 3, 2004, 7:08 AM
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"There is absolutely no cannabalism in the british navy, there is none. and when i say none, i mean there is a certain amount."
"Funny, you've got a lot of books here..." "Not 'Knickerless Knickleby'! How about 'A Sale of Two Titties'?"
"Number nine: The nape of the neck."
"Number twenty-seven: The naughty bits of Reginald Maulding."
"No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon in suprise, fear and suprise; two cheif weapons, suprise, and ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again..."
"Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!"
"Two choc-ices please."
"I haven't got choc-ices. I've only got albatross. Albatross!"
"What flavor is it?"
"It's a bird, innit? It's a bloody seabird. It's not any bloody flavor. Albatross!"
"Do you get wafers with it?"
"'Course you don't get any wafers with it! Albatross!"
"How much is it?"
"Nine pence."
"I'll have two please."
"Gannet on a stick!!"
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coldclimb
Feb 3, 2004, 7:19 AM
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The list is endless! :D Do theyt have to be from Monty himself, or just from his movies? Most of the lines from the holy grail are priceless! :D
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carnaged
Feb 3, 2004, 7:24 AM
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Ah, I'm quoting from their television episodes.... But holy grail was priceless. Best underbudget film ever.
"I'd like to have an operation."
"Ah, yes. On your uh, big honker?"
"Well yes."
"But this nose seems to be made of plastic!"
"So it is. Can I have the operation anyway?"
"But it's already been done. And you really have quite a beautiful nose."
"But I want an operation!"
"How about you accompany on vacation?"
"He asked me! He asked me!"
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kunzie
Feb 3, 2004, 7:40 AM
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Oh, I see you have the machine the goes *ping*
God: What are you doing now?
King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.
Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt.
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: ...I got better.
King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Dennis: Look, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you is no basis for a system of government (anyone see the correlation between the current government?)
Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah."
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse?!?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah."
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! Alright, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even...and I want to make this absolutely clear...even if they do say, "Jehovah."
jewish official is stoned to death
I'm here for a fish licence...
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robbovius
Feb 3, 2004, 12:57 PM
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Coal miner dad taking 40 kids in the living room:
"I'm sorry, I've decided, you're all being donated to science."
40 kids, "...awwww, dad!"
"Naaah, I'm stuffed. Now Fvck OFF!"
"How to defend yourself against a man attacking you with...a banana."
"You malodorous, toffee-nosed PERVERT!"
"I've come in for an argument"
"Oh I'm sorry, this is abuse...."
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overlord
Feb 3, 2004, 1:01 PM
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i really loved the shows about cammuflage and organ donors :twisted:
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j_ung
Feb 3, 2004, 3:28 PM
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"He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!"
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deleted
Deleted
Feb 3, 2004, 3:30 PM
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oh, sure, [i:497eccabfb]everyone[/i:497eccabfb] remembers lines from the shows ... but why is it the world never remembers the name of johann gambolputty de von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitzticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyerspelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-einnürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfutgumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm?
but, if it's quotes you want, then this has to be one of my favorites (excerpted from the pet shop skit):
customer: 'e's not pinin'! 'e's passed on! this parrot is no more! he has ceased to be! 'e's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'e's a stiff! bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! if you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'e's off the twig! 'e's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
shopkeep: well, i'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
shopkeep: sorry squire, i've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
customer: i see. i see, i get the picture.
shopkeep: (pause) i got a slug.
(pause)
customer: pray, does it talk?
shopkeep: nnnnot really.
customer: WELL THEN, IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
shopkeep: well! i never wanted to do this in the first place. i wanted to be ...
A LUMBERJACK! :wink:
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doones
Feb 3, 2004, 3:31 PM
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"Not dead yet!"
"It's only a flesh wound"
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edge
Feb 3, 2004, 3:36 PM
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In reply to: A LUMBERJACK! :wink:
And I'm OK... (despite the fact that I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars)
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camhead
Feb 3, 2004, 3:42 PM
Post #11 of 36
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(man to psychologist)
"it's strange, doctor. I will be carrying on conversation, talking completely normally, and then, without warning, the wrong light socket comes out."
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robbovius
Feb 3, 2004, 3:43 PM
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and how about the fabulous Monty Python songs!
"SIT ON MY FACE
and tell me that you love me!
I'LL SIT ON YOUR FACE
and tell you I love you...."
-or-
"Emmanual Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable..."
my all time favorite line?
"It's..."
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bumblie
Feb 3, 2004, 3:51 PM
Post #13 of 36
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Registered: Mar 18, 2003
Posts: 7629
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FRENCH GUARD:
Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ARTHUR:
How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD:
How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser!
So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR:
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD:
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR:
If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
FRENCH GUARDS:
[laughing]
ARTHUR:
Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD:
Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR:
Walk away. Just ignore them.
FRENCH GUARD:
And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
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deleted
Deleted
Feb 3, 2004, 3:53 PM
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[quote:2fb31a5ac8="robbovius"]my all time favorite line? "It's..."[/quote:2fb31a5ac8]
nice one. rob!
and the philosopher drinking song ... what a classic!
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, (Other versions: "Shoppenhauer and Hegel")
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raisin' of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will,
after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
'alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
and Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.
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ropeburn
Feb 3, 2004, 3:56 PM
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Posts: 594
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And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
Amen.
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Not at all. They could be carried.
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
It could grip it by the husk!
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
If you want to leave a message after the tone
Then speak clearly and I'll call you when I'm home
Just say your words and say your name
Leave the time and date you called
And I'll get back to you
Unless you're completely a boring old fart
I Like traffic lights
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robbovius
Feb 3, 2004, 4:02 PM
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"They call me...Tim."
"What...is your NAME?"
"Sir Lancelot the Brave!"
"WHAT...is your fav'rit colour?"
"Blue!"
"Right, then. Off you go..."
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doones
Feb 3, 2004, 4:08 PM
Post #17 of 36
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“My name is echie echie echie fitzang zoo boing zouie-szisum…
but you can call be Tim.”
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hangerlessbolt
Feb 3, 2004, 4:39 PM
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Registered: Dec 2, 2001
Posts: 7255
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ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name? Oh! but we are
nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT: Away away vile temptress! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
lie down.
[clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but--
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
And me.
And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: What?
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: Why?
LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
[boom]
DINGO: Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.
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climberterp
Feb 3, 2004, 11:47 PM
Post #19 of 36
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"The spam, sausage, eggs and spam doesn't have much spam in it."
"It's a Mr. Death, he's come about the reaping?"
"It's only wah-fer thin"
"Let the heathens spill theirs on the dusty ground
God shall make them pay for each sperm that can't be found"
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bitsofsod
Feb 4, 2004, 1:27 AM
Post #20 of 36
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Registered: Aug 22, 2002
Posts: 54
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I came here for an argument . . .
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sarcat
May 5, 2004, 9:48 PM
Post #21 of 36
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Posts: 1560
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"What's he going to do? Nibble your bum?
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climbsomething
May 5, 2004, 10:34 PM
Post #22 of 36
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Y'alls are GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!11 How many of you quoted or argued Monty Python during band camp or other marching band activities? Come on, admit it! :lol:
Now, quoting The Simpsons, on the other hand, is encouraged ;)
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tattooed_climber
May 5, 2004, 10:40 PM
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Posts: 4838
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Black knight - Its just a scratch
King Aurther - i cut your arm off
Black knight - I've had worst
King Aurther - no you haven't!
Black Knight - "...........ah, we'll call it a draw?"
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polarwid
May 6, 2004, 1:09 AM
Post #24 of 36
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Death awaits with big, nasty, pointy teeth!
Is that an African or a European swallow?
...1,2,5... "three sir!" 3 GO! *chuck*
Bring me a shrubbery.
If she weighs the same as a duck,she`s made of wood,and she`s a witch!
Name something that floats... Rocks Very Small Rocks!!!
You shall cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiiiiiith...a herring
Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of Elderberries!
Call the next deaf end... ANT!
What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "NI" at will to old ladies.
Listen, strange women lyin' about in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government.
A sheep's life consists mostly of standing around for a few months and then being eaten...
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g
Deleted
May 6, 2004, 1:39 AM
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"Are you a Poofter?"
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