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organic
Aug 5, 2004, 3:07 AM
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In the wake of my second breakup in 1 month with the same girl, I am wondering if I made the right choice. What makes a good relationship? Can you love someone and just not be compatible with them? Are we all just so messed up because of our parents that we do not know how to have a good relationship? Not that community is the place to look for guidance but it might be intresting to see some answers.
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gman
Aug 5, 2004, 3:20 AM
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It must be a mutually beneficial relationship. That being said you need not share the same (or all the same) interests, but must have similar goals in mind. You can love someone who you are incompatable with, but it will never work out. It would be too much effort and eventually someone would "give up". I'm sure there will be a plethera of knowedge and wisdom regarding this topic, so I'll leave it at that for now. Good luck.
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bobd1953
Aug 5, 2004, 4:57 AM
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In reply to: you might want to dig through the ladies room. i think 90% of all females on rc.com were breaking up with their SO's last summer/fall so there's a butt load of overly analytical relationship threads buried in there somewhere.
Why don't you try talking to couple's that have stay together and work through problems. Ninety-per-cent rate is not a good average.
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maculated
Aug 5, 2004, 5:15 AM
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Organic,
Go rent "I Capture the Castle." It's probably something most guys don't want to see, but the movie offers insight on your (and everyone else's) problem.
Don't blame your family or your parents. Learn how to recognize behavior patterns in your relationships and your reactions and learn how to adjust them. Every experience you have in life can be a constructive and educational one if you look for it.
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carnaged
Aug 5, 2004, 6:34 AM
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I remember reading I capture the Castle. It's not a bad book, but I never bothered seeing the movie.
In answer to the topic, well I'm not sure how much help I can be. I dated someone who was the complete opposite of me, and it was the easiest relationship I've gone through. We're still friends on top of that. I think balancing out eachother's timetables is a necessity; it's too hard to see someone all the time, people need space.
Now I'm not saying that giving time to ourselves will guarantee a successful relationship, there's always work and effort needed to be involved for anything to work at all. If you're not willing to try and change the situation, you're not growing as an couple, nor as an individual.
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calamity_chk
Aug 5, 2004, 7:45 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: you might want to dig through the ladies room. i think 90% of all females on rc.com were breaking up with their SO's last summer/fall so there's a butt load of overly analytical relationship threads buried in there somewhere. Why don't you try talking to couple's that have stay together and work through problems. Ninety-per-cent rate is not a good average.
touche. the suggestion was mostly about finding solace in the wake of a difficult breakup.
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pinnaclechick
Aug 5, 2004, 11:38 AM
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In reply to: Why don't you try talking to couple's that have stay together and work through problems.
I disagree. There's obviously a reason you're breaking up and getting back together twice a month. It shouldn't take so much effort.
OMG I just posted in a relationship thread. :oops:
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overlord
Aug 5, 2004, 11:39 AM
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thats probably one of the hardest question you can ask.
im in a relationship for two years now and i dont know why. we love each other, we have fun when were together, we can talk for hours, sex is great etc.
but on te other hand im little better than a dirtbag, shes almost a fashion freak, i climb whenever i can, love to be outdoors (im a scout also), she screams whenever she sees a spider.
my best answer is: it takes pure luck to find someone you can be with. and a great measure of honesty and trust.
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tgreene
Aug 5, 2004, 11:42 AM
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:idea: A relationship requires a 100% committment from both parties, or it will certainly fail.
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mwbtle
Aug 5, 2004, 1:00 PM
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nipping stupid problems in the butt immediately helps.
being friends as well as a couple helps.
realizing that an argument isn't the end of the world is the key though.
it doesn't work for every relationship, because some just aren't meant to be.
but when it is, you'll both know its more worth it to work through the problem than break up over it.
sorry...I'm a little optimist.
worked for me though.
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rrrADAM
Aug 5, 2004, 1:04 PM
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The ability to communicate your wants and needs, and negotiate.
Example... I won't fart, if you don't burp. Deal ??? :wink:
Better than... F--- you !!! I'm gonna fart all I want !!! And don't burp in my face, b---- !!! :evil:
See the subtle difference ??? :lol:
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tradklime
Aug 5, 2004, 1:16 PM
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In reply to: a couple of big things, imho, is finding someone who wants similar things out of life and love, and someone with whom communication comes naturally.
Amber offers some great advice here. I am recently divorced from a person who is still a very strong friend and whom I share a lot of things in common with. In fact we were great together on so many levels. However, there are certain things that are fundamental to you, and in the long run, it won't work if you cannot reconcile those with the other person. No matter how much you are in love.
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overzealous
Aug 5, 2004, 1:26 PM
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In reply to: :idea: A relationship requires a 100% committment from both parties, or it will certainly fail.
I have to respectfully disagree here. One thing I see a lot in relationships is that one person (usually the guy) changes to accomidate their partner and ends up losing what appealed to them in the first place.
IMO one of the most important things in keeping the attraction and interest in a relationship is that you maintain your individuality. You have to keep doing what attracted the person to you in the first place. Odds are, that wasn't doting over her and giving 100% - in fact it was probably being a cool (but slightly challenging) guy who had lots of other things going on in his life.
I do think commitment and communication are vital in a long term relationship, but I think maintaining a sense of yourself as an individual, and keeping the fact that you don't need the other person (no matter how much you may like them) in perspective goes a long way.
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jumpingrock
Aug 5, 2004, 1:29 PM
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I was actually just thinking about this very thing recently, more for my current relationship then anything else. I figured that there are four things in a relationship that are absolutly critical and without any one of these four being perfect or next to perfect the relationship will be poisoned and will eventually fail.
Communication: If you can't talk and work things out then really you have nothing. This in my opinion is the most important one. Everything in a relationship is based on communicating. If you aren't communicating then you don't have a relationship. Simple as that.
Intimacy: Related to communication but much deeper than communication. Basically the ability to tell the person through words and actions what you really need and want. Your deepest desires and dreams. The things that you keep hidden from the rest of the world.
Trust: You have to be able to trust the other person. If you don't trust them, utterly and completly, you can't be intimate with them.
Honesty: You have to be honest or all the things above are lost. There is no trust, no intimacy and no communication.
This is just my opinion but I think it makes sense.
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jumpingrock
Aug 5, 2004, 1:34 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: :idea: A relationship requires a 100% committment from both parties, or it will certainly fail. I have to respectfully disagree here. One thing I see a lot in relationships is that one person (usually the guy) changes to accomidate their partner and ends up losing what appealed to them in the first place. IMO one of the most important things in keeping the attraction and interest in a relationship is that you maintain your individuality. You have to keep doing what attracted the person to you in the first place. Odds are, that wasn't doting over her and giving 100% - in fact it was probably being a cool (but slightly challenging) guy who had lots of other things going on in his life. I do think commitment and communication are vital in a long term relationship, but I think maintaining a sense of yourself as an individual, and keeping the fact that you don't need the other person (no matter how much you may like them) in perspective goes a long way.
I believe you are missing his point.
Commitment to the relationship and commitment to the person are differant things. I believe he is refering to the fact that both people have to have 100% commitment to the relationship. I agree with everything you said in relation to the commitment to a person but there should be %100 commitment to the relationship.
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mwbtle
Aug 5, 2004, 1:38 PM
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werd, jumpingrock. both posts.
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tgreene
Aug 5, 2004, 2:11 PM
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In reply to: I believe you are missing his point. Commitment to the relationship and commitment to the person are differant things. I believe he is refering to the fact that both people have to have 100% commitment to the relationship. I agree with everything you said in relation to the commitment to a person but there should be %100 commitment to the relationship.
Ditto! :wink:
I am committed to my relationship with my wife, both together and seperately...
Because we have next to nothing in common, we committed to find common ground that we can both enjoy together, while being able to maintain our individuality at the same time.
She worries about my climbing, and secretly wishes I didn't (especially after I come home from a trip all bruised up and bloody), yet she still encourages me to get back on the rocks as soon as possible, because she knows that's what I need in order to maintain my own individuality...
Likewise, being that she's a very strong and devout Christian that puts God first in every way, she needs her own daily private time, to read her Bible and pray. This is the woman that I fell in love with over 13 years ago, so why would I ever want that aspect of her life to change...
Another person cannot change you, nor is it right for anyone to even try. If you so choose to change for that person, then it is from your own heart, not the wants & desires of the other person. Likewise, a refusal to conform towards the wants & desires of the other person is a selfish act!
***
Our relationship is far from perfect for many reasons, but the most difficult aspect is that my wife suffers from Anxiety Disorder. Some days she loves me and some days she hates us both and simply wants to run away from it all. This becomes very frustrating to me, and has a snowballing effect that spirals downwards, picking up pace and getting worse as it goes. At those moments, I'm walking on eggshells so as to not say or do the wrong thing. I've had to cut business trips and vacations short, because she would have severe panic attacks and need me to be with her immediately... These are the times I'm not committed to the relationship, but to HER, because that's when she needs a friend, not a husband!
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nextascent
Aug 5, 2004, 2:17 PM
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So I wonder if once you've gotten a lot of good feedback you stop reading? Well I'll add mine anyway. Coming from the "older" crew I feel comfortable that I have some history to go along with this. Started dating hubby when I was 15 (way too young...but thats a different story) ..will be 40 this fall and still with him. HOLD ON...it was not a fairy tale, there were some ugly times and a long period where we were not together. But that being said...here has what's worked (in progression)
(1) Chemistry/attraction
(2) Friendship
(3) Trust
(4) Respect
(5) Communication - remember...these aren't necessarily in order of priority...just how we got there. (I didn't learn to talk about what really mattered til I was about 29)
Now bundle that into strong independence and individuality WITH the appreciation for each others wants/needs....we've done pretty good.
All these things come in different ways (as each personality and therefore needs are different).
Good luck btw.
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winter
Aug 5, 2004, 2:42 PM
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Well I guess since I'm currently single I haven't had any overly successful relationships, but I think you learn just as much from every failed one on what does and doesn't work.
Lifestyle in common is a big one for me. Are you outdoorsy...are they? You don't have to do the same sports, but if you are someone who is always doing stuff and they aren't, eventually a rift will start to form because one doesn't understand the other. Do you like to party? Can you do it together, or does every time they get hammered lead to a big fight. Are you both independant with your own things on the go, and your own set of friends. Loosing yourself in a relationship is the worst thing. Conversly, being too independant (this is me) and not making time for the relationship as an actual thing in your life is just as bad. Do you have great sex? This is key, I mean you can only limp along with someone you aren't wildly attracted to or don't have a healthy sex life with. This varies in importance from one person to the next, it's nice if you're on the same page in this regard. Do you trust them? IF you don't just quit right there. Do you respect them and they you?
That's all I can think of for now...
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tradklime
Aug 5, 2004, 5:36 PM
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After reading some of the responses I thought that I would add that marriage and dating are very different. While one can beget the other, there is (or at least should be) a different level of committment and priority.
Much of the important items that have been brought up, such as communication, honesty, trust, and intimacy, are interrelated. Loose one of these and the others will naturally degrade.
There are actually a lot of very good books on the subject that can be helpful. For a long term relationship, it is not reasable to expect that things will always come easy, or that you will naturally know how to work things out. You need to first understand yourself, and work with the other person to understand their perspective. You are two individuals (a good thing), with different experiences and perspectives. To MAKE a relationship work you need to put in the effort and attention it deserves, and you need to resolve if you are compatible on the deepest level.
Best of luck, start by being open and honest about your feelings. Reward is not without risk (emotional in this case).
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petsfed
Aug 5, 2004, 6:48 PM
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In the wake of personal experience, and watching it happen again (and again and again...) here's some insight: If there is ever a power struggle of any sort, the relationship is on bad ground. Equal partnerships last longer. Moreover, they get torn apart over actual issues (eg real incompatibility) rather than what can best be described as petty egotism. That's not to say that relationships where its all compromise works best, or where both partners are constantly avoiding giving ground. Rather its compromising on what doesn't matter, and sticking to your position when it does. One should not sacrifice oneself for a relationship. This is especially pertinent to climbers, who tend to be very self-possessed. If you are not willing to give an inch, don't ask it of your partner. Moreover, if change will happen, it will be self-motivating. In other words, if you want him/her to change, make yourself worth changing for.
Some profound insight from an old friend: "Man, I'm not even batting .300. Hell, I've never done better than .000. Its the nature of the game."
Of course, breaking up, then getting back together with a girl twice in the same month... *whistles* its not that you're meant to be, its that you're not prepared to be apart. Go climbing. Let her be for a month or two. You can stamp out the fire, but the coals are still there. Just takes a little breeze to reignite the blaze.
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stellanole
Aug 5, 2004, 7:31 PM
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some things i have learned...through my dating past:
there are a million words in the english language that can be used to describe your range of emotions. using harmful or hateful words get you nowhere and will only counter your efforts for resolve. dropping the f-bomb for good measure will never get you the reaction you truly want. its amazing what leaving all this garbage out of your relationship will do for the amount of respect you share with your loved one.
shut up and listen. if you tend to do more talking than you do listening, you may be missing something.
no one can tell you that what you feel is 'wrong'. when you give someone the freedom and security to reveal true feelings/emotions, you are giving them space to not be judged. this does wonders to trust and openess in a relationship.
you must accept and RESPECT the differences between men and women. The main reason conflict arises to begin with in a relationship is because our innate expectations are very different. we tend to treat others, how we would like to be treated. and when you are talking men vs. women, there are two distinct approaches to any given situation. you cant fight evolution, and its not going to change. BUT if you and your partner strive to UNDERSTAND eachothers needs and how best to serve them, everybody wins. you scratch my back, ill scratch yours. when it comes down to it, whats most important is acceptance in the uniqueness of the person you love and how they love you.
when times are tough, step back and remind yourself and your partner...'hey, we're on the same team right?'. i find this to be key. there is always the means to the end, and typically two people may share the same end but have different means. keeping the END in check, and that those goals are SHARED is a healthy reminder.
Interdependence. you must work together, having interdependence in your relationship allows you to give and receive...share strengths and rely on eachother for support and make contributions to move eachother forward.
Loving someone is a choice you can't run from the minute it gets uncomfortable. Its a commitment that accepts the good the bad and the ugly. when you have met someone that loves you for your inconsistencies, your flaws, your fears and your insecurities--you will experience a most vulnerable and liberating kind of love. it takes work and the maturity to recognize that in a lifetime with one person, you will inevitably be dissapointed and hurt at times, but have the solidarity to push through knowing your friendship and love will sustain those moments.
Leave your expectations at the door. The less you 'expect' from someone, the less dissapointed you will be when things don't happen the way you wanted them to. there is something to be said about, knowing how to get what you want. the more you complain about the things that you don't have, the less you will receive. IE: if you got carnations instead of roses---consider yourself special for recieiving flowers in the first place.
ATTENTION, AFFECTION, INTIMACY, SUPPORT, SEX....these are key. take care of eachother! everyone wants to feel desired, sexy, and loved. you can never go wrong with a little tlc. extra kisses...passionate kisses, hugs, affectionate reminders of eachothers love. let it spill over! the harder you work at satisfying one another intimately...you keep things interesting! have fun. let loose...have sex on your mothers kitchen table :D .
good luck!
~s
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