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j_ung
Mar 8, 2007, 8:27 PM
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Here are some of the little, but nonetheless crucial lessons I've learned in life to get me through a typical day unscathed. Unfortunately, I learned them all by experience.
1. Check for toilet paper before pooping.
2. Before entering a stairwell, make sure you don't need a key card to get out of it.
3. If you do need a key card, make sure you have it on you.
4. To prevent pest infestation, clean your house every once in while.
5. Get a visual on your car keys before closing the door.
More?
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wideguy
Mar 8, 2007, 8:48 PM
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Make sure she's a REALLY a "She" before you pay for the hotel room.
Unless that's your thing..... Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Stuff like that?
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devils_advocate
Mar 8, 2007, 8:52 PM
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Check for wallet before making a purchase.
Check for transponder before getting on toll road.
Hide the last beer in the vegetable drawer.
Resist the temptation to eat pizza fresh (read: hot) out of the oven.
Turn down volume before opening any emails with video. (If it’s quiet/nothing is happening get ready for a screamer)
Check hall for coworkers before opening NSFW threads.
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macherry
Mar 8, 2007, 8:57 PM
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don't eat hot dogs at the 7-11
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macherry
Mar 8, 2007, 11:45 PM
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j_ung wrote: macherry wrote: don't eat hot dogs at the 7-11 Marge, is that a euphemism for something? 
nope, in fact don't eat the nachos there either
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marinaaxid25
Mar 8, 2007, 11:58 PM
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- ALWAYS remember to flush the toilet.
- Never hand out pennies in large quantities.
- Remember your wallet, keys, and cell phone.
- Look both ways before crossing a street.
- If you get lost, ASK SOMEONE FOR DIRECTIONS!!
- Run spell-check on everything---including email.
- Smile...you automatically feel better.
(This post was edited by marinaaxid25 on Mar 9, 2007, 12:00 AM)
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wjca
Mar 8, 2007, 11:59 PM
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Whenever someone says, "Hey, smell my hand." Don't.
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lagr01
Mar 9, 2007, 12:23 AM
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Get up a little bit before the turd hits the water.
Don't pull someone else's finger.
(This post was edited by lagr01 on Mar 9, 2007, 1:17 AM)
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devils_advocate
Mar 9, 2007, 12:49 AM
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marinaaxid25 wrote: - ALWAYS remember to flush the toilet. - Never hand out pennies in large quantities. - Remember your wallet, keys, and cell phone. - Look both ways before crossing a street. - If you get lost, ASK SOMEONE FOR DIRECTIONS!! - Run spell-check on everything---including email. - Smile...you automatically feel better.
Jesus, why don't you add "always put the toilet seat down and always admit that your lady is right". And any other femine type things that us guys simply aren't going to do.
The toilet doesn't have to always be flushed. Sometime, like when you're drinking beer, you know you're just going to be back in there in 30 mins. anyway. If it's yellow, let it mellow. And what if I want to show off some of my work?
And ask for directions? I don't think so, not going to happen.
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carabiner96
Mar 9, 2007, 12:52 AM
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devils_advocate wrote: marinaaxid25 wrote: - ALWAYS remember to flush the toilet. - Never hand out pennies in large quantities. - Remember your wallet, keys, and cell phone. - Look both ways before crossing a street. - If you get lost, ASK SOMEONE FOR DIRECTIONS!! - Run spell-check on everything---including email. - Smile...you automatically feel better. Jesus, why don't you add "always put the toilet seat down and always admit that your lady is right". And any other femine type things that us guys simply aren't going to do. The toilet doesn't have to always be flushed. Sometime, like when you're drinking beer, you know you're just going to be back in there in 30 mins. anyway. If it's yellow, let it mellow. And what if I want to show off some of my work? And ask for directions? I don't think so, not going to happen.
Dude, my hippie roomate pulls that shit and lets it sit overnight. I go to go pee in the AM and the whole place reeks of stale, unflushed urine.
So please, flush.
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devils_advocate
Mar 9, 2007, 12:53 AM
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That's why you pee in the bathroom and not your dorm room
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dr_feelgood
Mar 9, 2007, 3:34 AM
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don't pay for a 12 pack of cheap shit paper with pennies. Especially not when i am recieveing the pennies and 'lose count' about 8 times...
And then make fun of you with my boss and another customer when you walk out.
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petje
Mar 9, 2007, 7:44 AM
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j_ung wrote: Here are some of the little, but nonetheless crucial lessons I've learned in life to get me through a typical day unscathed. Unfortunately, I learned them all by experience. 1. Check for toilet paper before pooping. 2. Before entering a stairwell, make sure you don't need a key card to get out of it. 3. If you do need a key card, make sure you have it on you. 4. To prevent pest infestation, clean your house every once in while. 5. Get a visual on your car keys before closing the door.
5a. Get a visual on your HOUSEKEYS before closing the door.
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thomasribiere
Mar 9, 2007, 12:21 PM
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Never handle penises in large quantities.
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marinaaxid25
Mar 9, 2007, 12:42 PM
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devils_advocate wrote: Jesus, why don't you add "always put the toilet seat down and always admit that your lady is right". And any other femine type things that us guys simply aren't going to do. The toilet doesn't have to always be flushed. Sometime, like when you're drinking beer, you know you're just going to be back in there in 30 mins. anyway. If it's yellow, let it mellow. And what if I want to show off some of my work? And ask for directions? I don't think so, not going to happen.
...because generally---I don't want to flush someone else's poop. That wasn't a feminist statement; That's just gross to leave your golden coins for someone else to see. Oddly, leaving the toilet seat up isn't that big of a pet peeve compared to not flushing.
To Thomas: Handling penises in large quantities...hmm...are you trying to tell me something? 
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bizarrodrinker
Mar 9, 2007, 1:07 PM
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If that boulder looks like it will move if you step on it...DON'T, it almost certainly will.
If someone says lets do one more run then quit (skiing or riding) don't someone always get hurt on the "last run".
Don't trust that shifty character that tells you you can trust them. If you could trust them you would already know.
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snoangel
Mar 9, 2007, 6:33 PM
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bizarrodrinker wrote: If someone says lets do one more run then quit (skiing or riding) don't someone always get hurt on the "last run".
So true! My friends & I never say "last run", even when we know it will be.
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vivalargo
Mar 9, 2007, 6:38 PM
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Two things: watch your breath as much as you can, and focus on being totally in the present, not in your mind, reviewing (past) or postulating (future). Amazing things start to happen once you get dialed into this paractice.
JL
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granite_grrl
Mar 9, 2007, 6:57 PM
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snoangel wrote: bizarrodrinker wrote: If someone says lets do one more run then quit (skiing or riding) don't someone always get hurt on the "last run". So true! My friends & I never say "last run", even when we know it will be.
My little sister broke her wrist on the 'last run' while skiing ten years ago. She was still growing so the doctors wouldn't operate to fix 'er up for years. She still often wears a wrist brace.
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thorne
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Mar 9, 2007, 8:51 PM
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macherry wrote: don't eat hot dogs at the 7-11
How about the microwavable burritos? Back in my early 20s, I went on a 6 month stretch were I ate a jumbo "breakfast" burrito (usually meat and bean) about 3 times a week.
Jay,
The TP one is good.
As you age, peeing before bed becomes more and more important.
Don't go tubing on rivers/streams above flood level.
Be sure you know the location of your next rap.
Take a quick glance around before doing a slow and go through a stop sign.
Gasoline in a yellowjacket nest is very effective.
If you're taking narcotic painkillers (like Vicodin), don't drive.
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petsfed
Mar 9, 2007, 9:04 PM
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Eat before giving blood.
Always have a backup plan.
If you have to beg, don't be mad when people say no.
The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat.
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macherry
Mar 10, 2007, 2:17 AM
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if you live with men, always check to see if the toilet seat is down, especially in the middle of the night.
and if you have little kids, check for drips on the floor and seat.
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girl_lostInVA
Mar 10, 2007, 6:01 AM
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petsfed wrote: If you have to beg, don't be mad when people say no. The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat.
I don't beg...it's a waste of time...
and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it???
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rockguide
Mar 10, 2007, 7:55 AM
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Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Don't let things that eat crap lick you (that would be any dog)
If you are about to say "...no... let me explain" don't bother. Too late.
You can build a castle in the sky ... but buy a parachute before you try to live there.
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reno
Mar 10, 2007, 5:30 PM
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Have a second tank of propane for the grill.
Consider 1/4 tank of gas to be the same as "Empty."
Put a pack of cigarettes in your glove box of the car. When you're out with your pals, it's 3 am, you're 100 miles from nowhere, out of gas and out of money, at least you'll have a cigarette.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
When in doubt, let your horse do the thinking.
(This post was edited by reno on Mar 11, 2007, 12:52 AM)
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thomasribiere
Mar 10, 2007, 5:37 PM
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Have cigarette paper in the glove box of the car. Driving one hour to end up rolling the joint with toilet paper is wrong.
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rockguide
Mar 10, 2007, 5:42 PM
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reno wrote: The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Ah, my old signature!
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petsfed
Mar 10, 2007, 11:28 PM
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girl_lostInVA wrote: petsfed wrote: If you have to beg, don't be mad when people say no. The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat. I don't beg...it's a waste of time... and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it???
Well, you've clearly never lived in your car for even a day or two. The steering wheel is the worst.
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thomasribiere
Mar 10, 2007, 11:41 PM
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petsfed wrote: girl_lostInVA wrote: petsfed wrote: If you have to beg, don't be mad when people say no. The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat. I don't beg...it's a waste of time... and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it??? Well, you've clearly never lived in your car for even a day or two. The steering wheel is the worst.
I didn't understand it from this point of view...
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macherry
Mar 11, 2007, 1:13 AM
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girl_lostInVA wrote: petsfed wrote: If you have to beg, don't be mad when people say no. The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat. I don't beg...it's a waste of time... and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it???
these are not up for debate
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girl_lostInVA
Mar 11, 2007, 3:14 AM
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reno wrote: When in doubt, let your horse do the thinking.
oh...and better yet...
after 16 years of competitive horseback riding including international comp..I just don't know that I agree with the when in doubt let your horse do the thinking....
much like men...it all depends on the horse
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petsfed
Mar 11, 2007, 4:22 AM
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girl_lostInVA wrote: petsfed wrote: Well, you've clearly never lived in your car for even a day or two. The steering wheel is the worst. I assumed that...we weren't talking about living in the car. I assumed...rightly or wrongly that we were talking about something much more dirty ....but I have a dirty mind 
Well that too. The steering wheel, the stick shift, and the e-brake (if its a lever type) will always get in the way if you're doing anything but driving the vehicle.
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dan2see
Mar 12, 2007, 3:26 PM
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I don't what all you guys are flapping your gums about.
I think j_ung covered everything pretty well.
(Edited for completeness)
(This post was edited by dan2see on Mar 12, 2007, 3:29 PM)
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fenix83
Moderator
Mar 12, 2007, 3:38 PM
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Always have a bright flashlight and a sharp knife handy.
If it needs batteries and you need it then make sure to have spares.
Don't buy shots for the designated driver.
The bigger they are the harder they fall, they also kick harder and squeeze tighter...
-F
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lagr01
Mar 12, 2007, 5:12 PM
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reno wrote: When in doubt, let your horse do the thinking.
Well, in my case (cutting) I HAVE to let the horse do the thinking, I'm simply the passenger.
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petsfed
Mar 13, 2007, 12:21 AM
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ClimberTodd wrote: petsfed wrote: The back seat is ALWAYS more comfortable than the front seat. Not when you are 6'6" my friend. 
Most vehicles are not even 6 feet wide in the interior, so I know what you're saying. But there's just less crap in the way in the back seat.
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thegreytradster
Mar 13, 2007, 12:46 AM
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Never trust someone with no neck!
There's no such thing as an honest glutton
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wanderlustmd
Mar 13, 2007, 11:37 AM
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1.) In Maine, 95 route1 dow highway and the coastal route are all the same damn thing
2.) When someone in a horror movie says "I'll be right back," you'll never see them alive again.
Brain isn't working, more to come later
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dr_feelgood
Mar 13, 2007, 12:22 PM
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wanderlustmd wrote: 1.) In Maine, 95 route1 dow highway and the coastal route are all the same damn thing 2.) When someone in a horror movie says "I'll be right back," you'll never see them alive again. Brain isn't working, more to come later
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pornstarr
Mar 13, 2007, 3:26 PM
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the oil drain plug.... put it back in before adding the new oil...
you only do it once.
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epic_ed
Mar 14, 2007, 6:46 AM
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girl_lostInVA wrote: ...and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it???
Would you like to find out?
WTF is wrong with you people?! Yer gettin slow and sloppy. How is it no one beat me to this punch line! I check into Scummunity just for an ol' kick in the ballz down memory lane and find you're leavin softballs like this hangin'?
Rob? Reno? Camhead? All you other filthy bastards out there? I'm truely saddened...
Let's work together to keep the standards a little lower around here, please. I'm a married guy these days and can't always pick up the slack.
Anyhow -- my advice? If given the choice between food poisoning and death, choose death. Oh, and avoid the milkshakes at McDonald's on Carefree Hwy and the I-17 in Phoenix.
Ed
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bizarrodrinker
Mar 14, 2007, 12:07 PM
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garbage goes in the garbage can....don't just throw it out the window.
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girl_lostInVA
Mar 14, 2007, 5:28 PM
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epic_ed wrote: girl_lostInVA wrote: ...and I don't know if the back seat is more comfortable...is it???
LOL
I did leave my totally open for that didn't I...one day I do believe I may just have to try both
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reno
Mar 14, 2007, 5:39 PM
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epic_ed wrote: WTF is wrong with you people?! Yer gettin slow and sloppy. How is it no one beat me to this punch line! I check into Scummunity just for an ol' kick in the ballz down memory lane and find you're leavin softballs like this hangin'? Rob? Reno? Camhead? All you other filthy bastards out there? I'm truely saddened...
Ed, Ed, Ed. Ed, my friend, the real talent lay not in swatting a hanging curve ball over the left field fence while the wind is blowing out, but rather in catching the change-up and drilling it into deep center field right when the pitcher thinks the delivery is totally safe.
In reply to: I'm a married guy these days and can't always pick up the slack.
So says Mrs. Epic Ed. Lucky for her, the UPS guy still rings the doorbell for those "Special Deliveries."
(Like that. See?)
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amikros
Mar 14, 2007, 7:06 PM
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or the busty blonde
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dripdry
Mar 14, 2007, 7:07 PM
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Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
Defending oneself by pointing out peoples' logical fallacies and double standards tends to piss them off even more. In other words, don't act too smart.
Even more appropriately, if you're going to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they'll kill you.
Always look over your shoulder before backing up in a car.
Everyone is an idiot somehow.
Women do NOT want to hear the truth, no matter what they say.
Always remember: DON'T PANIC :)
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slablizard
Mar 14, 2007, 7:37 PM
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thomasribiere wrote: Have cigarette paper in the glove box of the car. Driving one hour to end up rolling the joint with toilet paper is wrong.
Golden globe.
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slablizard
Mar 14, 2007, 7:42 PM
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Always apply the "need to know" system.
Love your life, that's all you got.
Love your life, that's what you're here for
Love your wife, after all she deserves it
Lust and respect are two totally different things
Don't stress too much, not worth it.
Do not buy cigarettes and rolling papers in the same shop.
Work and don't waste time on this site , they don't pay you to post.
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devils_advocate
Mar 14, 2007, 8:15 PM
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reno wrote: epic_ed wrote: WTF is wrong with you people?! Yer gettin slow and sloppy. How is it no one beat me to this punch line! I check into Scummunity just for an ol' kick in the ballz down memory lane and find you're leavin softballs like this hangin'? Rob? Reno? Camhead? All you other filthy bastards out there? I'm truely saddened... Ed, Ed, Ed. Ed, my friend, the real talent lay not in swatting a hanging curve ball over the left field fence while the wind is blowing out, but rather in catching the change-up and drilling it into deep center field right when the pitcher thinks the delivery is totally safe. In reply to: I'm a married guy these days and can't always pick up the slack. So says Mrs. Epic Ed. Lucky for her, the UPS guy still rings the doorbell for those "Special Deliveries." (Like that. See?)
f-ing hysterical. Sorry Ed, welcome to the major league.
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epic_ed
Mar 14, 2007, 10:41 PM
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Well, even one of the n00bs should have jumped in at that point, fer cryin out loud.
And, Reno -- most days I'd trade the wife for a random pick of one boxes in his truck. You're nearly married...you'll understand one day.
Ed
(This post was edited by epic_ed on Mar 14, 2007, 10:41 PM)
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bizarrodrinker
Mar 15, 2007, 12:32 PM
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slablizard wrote: Lust and respect are two totally different things
In reply to: Work and don't waste time on this site , they don't pay you to post.
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e_free
Mar 16, 2007, 1:04 AM
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Never eat a bag of baby carrots in one night.
Ever.
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slablizard
Mar 16, 2007, 1:08 AM
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bizarrodrinker wrote: slablizard wrote: Lust and respect are two totally different things Look out Mr. Kilmer, there's a new genius in town. In reply to: Work and don't waste time on this site , they don't pay you to post. Not really a concern until it affects the job getting done. Then it may be a problem.
who's Kilmer?
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crankingclimber
Mar 16, 2007, 1:52 AM
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No matter how hungry/poor you are from your latest round of dirtbagging, when you get into the cafeteria or a buffet, don't be so wowed by the wall of cereals, that you decide to try a bowl of every kind... All fourteen of them. Trust me, it's a bad idea.
Don't fart in a tyvex suit (the kind you use to put in insulation or other nasty crud). Or the shower.
Will
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bizarrodrinker
Mar 16, 2007, 12:09 PM
Post #59 of 59
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Registered: Dec 20, 2005
Posts: 2316
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slablizard wrote: bizarrodrinker wrote: slablizard wrote: Lust and respect are two totally different things Look out Mr. Kilmer, there's a new genius in town. In reply to: Work and don't waste time on this site , they don't pay you to post. Not really a concern until it affects the job getting done. Then it may be a problem. who's Kilmer?
Val Kilmer..."Real Genius"
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