|
wendella
Jul 31, 2005, 11:28 PM
Post #501 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 21, 2005
Posts: 50
|
n00b, do e_free and dave reveal the truth?
will bruises on my ass help me be hot? what do
you think? I often
have other bodily injuries as well. does this improve
my chances of attracting a soul mate? also, should
children under ten belay adults over eighty?
p.s. same encryption algorithm as above.
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 1, 2005, 8:58 PM
Post #502 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: How can I stay true to my elitist vegetarian ways but still climb like a carnivore?
I suppose the solution to this seemingly un-answerable riddle wrapped in an enigma depends heavily on why you are a vegetarian. As I am the sort of person that wishes there were bacon flavored popsicles, I am going to have to engage in a little creative visualization...and some...err, factual obfuscation...but don't worry, it'll all work out in the end.
If you are a vegetarian because you dig foods that are all happy and free range and cruelty free...well...climbing might not be for you. You average half-ass serious gym rat suffers waaaaay more than a filet mignon during the course of a training session. Size 4 gangrene-inducing shoes...tendon strains and pulley blowouts...giant whippers into the wall or head-first falls onto the floor...getting kicked in the face spotting...tearing bleeding chunks out of your tips on a mad sick proj...granted, I never do any of this stuff...but it sure looks crazy. Damn, yo, I'll be over there by the soda machine...
If you are a vegetarian because you don't want to pollute the sanctity of the temple that is your body with artificial hormones, toxins and other assorted chemical nasties...then there's hope. We just need to find you the vegetable analog of the Ham Sandie...and...that is...clearly...Deep fried peanut butter & bananna sandwiches. I mean, they killed Elvis, so they're obviously pretty damn potent...you might want to start off with, like half a sandwich and build up a tolerance. Good luck, and get your lacto-ovo send on.
AlLEEz. Mmmmm, swinesicles... Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
woodcraft
Aug 2, 2005, 4:51 AM
Post #503 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Aug 29, 2004
Posts: 20
|
Dear Mr. NOOB:
I hung a bomber hex from my rearview mirror so the ladies would know I'm a real climber, but now the windshield is broken. What would a real climber do?
Thank you for helping with my question- I really respect you.
|
|
|
|
|
rasken
Aug 2, 2005, 6:51 AM
Post #504 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 6, 2005
Posts: 15
|
Oh nOObi-Wan, hear me!
I am worried. Since I am stuck here reading 30-something pages of your inane.. pardon, excellent.. advice on how to get my radgeish send on, I have no time left to actually go out and do so. My muscles are quickly fading away into oblivion (not that there was much to begin with).
So I wonder two things:
One: How can can I keep up to date with the latest nOOb news during the hour I can actually climb without being scared out my mind, tired as a really really tired guy, or both?
Two: How in [Deity of your choice]'s name do you get women to post pictures of their butts in your thread??
Today's bonus philosophical question:
When I toprope a route with a hideous traverse section that's way out of my league, and I (of course) fail miserably, peel, and smack with a great big swing into the corner wall 15 feet away, is it me smacking into the wall or the wall smacking me for being a stupid Swede with barely enough sense to know what toilet paper should be used for?
Oh, and just to make sure I pass the nOOb Inc. linguistic post screening: pimp steezos gumb uber ham sandwich Sharma
/rasken
"Here honey, for your birthday I got you the two sizes of stoppers that I.. err, you.. needed to double up on.
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 2, 2005, 2:13 PM
Post #505 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: On my end, do belay bruises qualify me as an actual climber, post-op? p.s. i made you a ham samwich! :wink:
Hmmm, let's see...I'd have to say no, simply because you weren't climbing at the time of injury. I have, however, forwarded your case to the review board and I have every confidence that you will be awarded the coveted...dare I say sought-after...Belayer Purple Heart. The Belayer Purple Heart is the ultimate badge of honor, letting sketchy climbing partners far and wide know that...regardless of whatever stupid move they pull...whatever ropetastic confustication or ill-concieved dyno-thrutch explode-a-rama...you will save them from themselves, the ground, and other assorted nasty outcomes. Although the nearly Darwinially deceased will probably not acknowledge your sainthood...or even buy you a beer, for that matter...know that the crag cognoscenti appreciate your...umm...derriere sacrifice?
Man, that sounds way wrong.
AlLEEz. Thank you for the Ham Sandwich. Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
booger
Aug 2, 2005, 3:04 PM
Post #506 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: May 23, 2003
Posts: 1163
|
Dear NOOB,
Hopefully you remember me; I'm the girl you advised about the gesticulating, spaghetti-throwing, sand-kicking, Armani-wearing Italian climbing partner. Well, so far he's only dropped me once (when a crag-bunny walked by and he said MAMA MIA... with both hands). But I have a new dilemma, and this one is more... historically problematic.
This past week I rounded up my partner, somehow squeezed all 6 of his Armani suits and their matching Italian leather boots into my car, and headed to Fontainebleau for the afternoon. I even brought along a little tub of spaghetti and some vino in case he got hungry or thirsty waving his hands around pointing to toe-holds, or kicking sand into Frenchie picnic pate. Yet when I needed him the most- while I was dangling from 2 enormous holds on this four foot highball ankle-breaker, he left me to go spot some Germans.
Noob, any advice on how we can keep the Italians on our side of the boulder?
I was neutral until this happened.
Taz
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 2, 2005, 3:15 PM
Post #507 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: n00b, do e_free and dave reveal the truth? will bruises on my ass help me be hot? what do you think? I often have other bodily injuries as well. does this improve my chances of attracting a soul mate? also, should children under ten belay adults over eighty? p.s. same encryption algorithm as above.
Let's see, apply the old decoder ring and...egad.
Aside from the fact that I'm not entirely clear how baby making actually works...I mean...I'm very well read...but y'know...ahh, this might not be the best idea. Do you really want a flock of mini-Subtles running around the house? Begging for Prana ninja-diapers...outgrowing their beanies every month or so...using the can of dry powdered formula to chalk up for their V2- proj Crib Crimper?
AlLEEz. That's scarier than Blair Witch Alien Exorcist. Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
davidorchard
Aug 3, 2005, 3:08 AM
Post #508 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 2, 2002
Posts: 144
|
dear subtle,
are you sure you reviewed wendella's post completely? I think
you might have missed the bruises on my ass link. that picture made me very
gay. (as in happy)
your humble and confused subject
dave
(encrypted message)
|
|
|
|
|
jumpingrock
Aug 3, 2005, 2:26 PM
Post #509 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 16, 2002
Posts: 5692
|
Dear Mr. Noob,
After being forcably returned to my trad climbing ways, I must as you these most important of questions. 1) Do you also find those so called "encrypted" messages annoying? 2) I have heard about these new fandangled devices called double ropes, and I was wondering what use they are. Close as I can figure one is used to haul up the bag of ham sandwiches and the other to haul up my fat partner. Any other uses? 3) I currently carry twelve 60 m rop... I mean quickdraws to extend my trad placements. Do you think this is excesive? Should I carry fewer? Or more? I tend to find myself placing 18 pieces a pitch so having to use my backup 50m quickdraws... is this a good thing or will I die?
(That was alot of questions. I apologize in advance for making your head hurt... wait that's not advance. nm.)
Yours Truly,
Long slings in Ontario.
|
|
|
|
|
badclimber
Aug 3, 2005, 6:47 PM
Post #510 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: May 17, 2005
Posts: 4
|
O' wisest and most n00bian,
The majority of my training for climbing consists of reading RC.com. This has unfortunately kept my actual climbing technique from improving. At all. So far I have encountered numerous threads in which people say that women have better technique than men. They can't be wrong because they have thousands of posts. Anyway, this got me thinking: Will my climbing technique improve if I have a sex change operation?
Eagerly awaiting Your words of wisdom. With a scalpel in hand because my HMO won't cover it. I'll do it if You say so...
|
|
|
|
|
match
Aug 5, 2005, 3:06 AM
Post #511 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 2, 2004
Posts: 136
|
dear n00b...
So i was cranking hard on my v0 proj for like 2 months then all of a sudden end of semester.. woah, now im living at my parents house on a couch in calgary, with no boulders only these weird mountains..
so i started following all these trad climbers. i think trad means climb like higher i guess..
but in any case i lead my first trad pitch the other day, well almost i got scared and down climbed. But since then i have talked to two girls and almost got with them...
is that because of this trad climbing? and if i actually lead a full pitch will i have a chance of ever kissing a girl?
i'm so ready to trade in my beanie and big bag of chalk for ham sandmiches if i have to..
Thanks n00b, and if this has been covered already..
feel free to :deadhorse:
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 5, 2005, 12:56 PM
Post #512 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: I hung a bomber hex from my rearview mirror so the ladies would know I'm a real climber, but now the windshield is broken. What would a real climber do?
Awwww, c'mon brah, that's an easy one.
If you are, as you claim, a real climber...then you are obviously driving a 1975-ish Westfalia Van with the integral micro-fridge and pop-up camping top that usually collapses in the middle of the night for no particular reason. Although I have seen some examples that still looked factory fresh and were sparklingly clean, I'm willing to bet my net worth...all $42.87 of it...that yours is errrr, not one of those. The warm and comfy nest of gear bags, ropes, Clif Bar wrappers, empty nalgene bottles, back isses of Urban Pimper, used tape balls and other...un-identifiable items...will totally be enhanced by the soft prismatic glow of the morning crag sunshine streaming through the shattered fractally goodness of your...multi-pane...ventillated...somewhat rain-stopping...technical windshield. Rad, bro!
Plus, any real climber would be hard-core dirtbagging it, and that $200 for a new windshield would add at least ninteen months to your never-ending road trip on the Hueco-Bishop-New-Red-SoIll-Rumney-Squamish-Yos World Tour 2002-2014. Heck, you could live on $200 for eight...nah eighteen...years in El Potrero, brah.
AlLEEz. Does ArcTeryx make air fresheners? Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 11, 2005, 12:33 PM
Post #513 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
Interesting news...Ask The NOOB will be relocating our corporate headquarters from sunny New England to...ahhh...extremely hot Houston, Texas. Ummm...rad?
Regrettably, my somewhat tardy post response of late will probably get worse before it gets any better...at least for a week or two. I do apologize for the inconvenience. Please feel free to continue to post questions, and I shall work my way through them as best I can.
AlLEEz. Does Prana make cowboy hats? Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
booger
Aug 11, 2005, 1:33 PM
Post #514 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: May 23, 2003
Posts: 1163
|
Wish your parents luck with the move... I sure hope they remember your couch! :wink:
|
|
|
|
|
crossfit2
Aug 11, 2005, 2:14 PM
Post #515 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 12, 2004
Posts: 61
|
Dear Ask the Noob,
I will be in Houston next week on business. Is it true that Texas climbers foresake the traditional ham sandwhich for Underwood's deviled ham spread on Texas Toast? I need to know this so I can fit in.
|
|
|
|
|
crossfit2
Aug 11, 2005, 2:34 PM
Post #516 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 12, 2004
Posts: 61
|
also if i could spell sandwich the right way it would give me much more cred. dont you think?
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 11, 2005, 2:50 PM
Post #517 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: Wish your parents luck with the move... I sure hope they remember your couch! :wink:
Oh, there's no way they'd leave the couch...since I am more or less attached to it...at all times. Although that could lead to an amusing NOOB Home Alone movie, where I wake up to realize my family has left me...then eat a bunch of ice cream and watch AutoRoute all day...then go hike my V2- proj at Lincoln Woods...then get chased by bungling criminals and have many wacky adventures. Rad, yo.
It's kind of sad boxing up all my New England climbing stuff. My 20 rolls of finger tape from those hideous Lincoln Woods razor blade crimpers. The giant piece of choss I pulled off a route at Rumney and hit myself in the face with...somewhat spoiling my onsight attempt. A economy gallon-sized jug of 100% DEET for the canary-sized mosquitos at Pawtuckaway.
Good times, good times.
I hear there's some climbing in Hueco Tanks, though.
AlLEEz. Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
skinnyclimber
Aug 11, 2005, 5:31 PM
Post #518 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 27, 2005
Posts: 406
|
Dear Mr. the nOOb
The other day I was sport climbing and I was about to peel of of the two huge jugs that I was holding to stay on my ultra-low-angle 5.2 project. Well instead of screaming like a girl and taking the huge 2.46 foot whipper, I managed to bite the wall with my teeth and just barely hang on. Of course a few chips came off but hey I almost sent the first crux!!
My issue is this. Is using my teeth aid climbing? How about now that I have fake teeth? Should this route be rated 5.2 AT. "T" denoting that teeth were used to aid the crux?
And while we're on the subject, who's your favorite female pop singer?
Skinny (You're laughing with me right)
|
|
|
|
|
esoteric1
Aug 11, 2005, 5:54 PM
Post #519 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 8, 2002
Posts: 705
|
hey noob!
I havent read this whole thread so forgive me if this question has already been answered....and no i havent done a search either.
heres my question, when your out in the woods....what do you wipe with? Im aware of several techniques, but most of them include leaving one of your socks or your underwear for other people to gawk at while they walk by...or belay next to.
please help me as im sick of walking out of climbing areas with one sock, after a hard climb....
thanks for your help!
|
|
|
|
|
moose_droppings
Aug 11, 2005, 6:59 PM
Post #520 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 7, 2005
Posts: 3371
|
His NOOBness,
I was born destined to be a climber with a sloper forehead, crimpers feet and choss genitals With all this going for me what color of harnees do i buy to become the bestess ever tradaider. I will not start with anything lower than a v5.19z. I know i will like hammy sands because my mommy told me she got "porked" the nite of my conception, Hope they have hammy sands at the vending machines at the craigger Please note that I've already told everyone how great I will be when i get to the craig, so take this factor into account and I practice flossing my choss everyday.
destinys beeacth child
|
|
|
|
|
cheekemonkey
Aug 11, 2005, 7:47 PM
Post #521 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Aug 1, 2005
Posts: 13
|
Dear Noobian,
Sorry to hear of your move from what sounds like a decent climbing area to swampland. The DEET will come in handy for the biblical swarms of mosquitoes they have in Texas.
So, I am the wife of the addicted husband who decided to stop the fight against the Noob and "buy in". Aside from the fact I was imposing on my husband's Noob time, so he started an account for me. By chance I had actually read the very first post you had made. My question is- do you still have those autographed photos? Seeing as though you are moving and going through junk, I mean treasured items, thought you might have a few to unload. Well, two to be exact...one high school pic for the stalker husband and a mugshot for my advancing technique of voodoo. (The crayon version would have been preferred, but I didn't want competition for the kids).
Sincerely,
the new addition to this Sartre-like forum
|
|
|
|
|
crimpergirl
Aug 11, 2005, 8:34 PM
Post #522 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1128
|
Ask the Noob:
Hueco to Houston is only a 12 hour drive. Sweeeeeet.
crimper-used to live in houston-girl
|
|
|
|
|
justineus
Aug 12, 2005, 6:12 PM
Post #523 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jul 1, 2005
Posts: 14
|
Dude I heard Texans carry handguns on their gear slings...
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 15, 2005, 12:36 PM
Post #524 of 977
(154040 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: I will be in Houston next week on business. Is it true that Texas climbers foresake the traditional ham sandwhich for Underwood's deviled ham spread on Texas Toast? I need to know this so I can fit in.
Well, fitting in is pretty important, especially in a non-conformist individualistic sport. I really can't help you at this point, since I have yet to move to Houston myself and haven't absorbed the local beta. From what I've gleaned from my several trips through the Houston and Dallas airports, however, I can present this basic tutorial:
The beanies are way different down there...they have a large brim, are made of straw or felt, and are measured by how many gallons of something...presumably chalk..they can hold. It is considered polite to tip your beanie at women, and to remove it occasionally and shout 'Whoooeee!'...I have no idea why...
Everywhere you look are shirts that say "Things are Bigger in Texas". I am hoping that in addition to egos, car sizes and strip malls...this also applies to crimpers, foot jibs and tweaker finger pockets of all shapes and sizes. If not...well...I guess I can always get a bigger beanie for...errr, easier tipping?
AlLEEz. Howdy Ma'am. Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
subtle
Aug 16, 2005, 3:09 PM
Post #525 of 977
(153833 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
|
In reply to: Dear Noobian, By chance I had actually read the very first post you had made. My question is- do you still have those autographed photos? Seeing as though you are moving and going through junk, I mean treasured items, thought you might have a few to unload. Well, two to be exact...one high school pic for the stalker husband and a mugshot for my advancing technique of voodoo.
Dear Cheekemonkey,
Regrettably, all of my 8x10 autographed glossy photos have been packed away by the Ask The NOOB staff in their special climate-controlled fire/bomb/spilled Diet Coke proof titanium storage modules for the trip to Houston...would be what I'd say if I had any of the above things, which I don't. I actually despise having my picture taken, which is why there are only a very few in existence...mostly slyly taken while I was monentarily attached to a rock and unable to flee without blowing my V0+ onsight.
Since you were nice...or errm, insane...enough to ask, though, I will try to forward along one of the following from my trip. Please indicate your preference:
(_) Bleary self-portrait taken while driving. Note 3 day stubble and closed eyes for Jedi Mind Control driving practice.
(_) Traffic ticket camera shot. Honestly, this one totally isn't me, officer.
(_) Panoramic shot of me next to local landmark, possibly...but not limited to...Largest Ball of Twine, Largest Cow Chip, Largest Speeding Ticket.
I will probably be in transit for a week or so, depending on how much jail time you get for being pulled over...in a big hurry...with 20lbs of a white chalky substance...and a suspiciously large number of beanies in your trunk...in Louisiana, so I may not be responding for a while. As always, feel free to post questions, and I'll get caught up as best I can while on work release detail.
AlLEEz. Homard.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
