I have a very serious problem.
I like to lead when the leading is easy going. But when it gets a little tough I tend to freak out and cry like the little girl I am for my mommy to come and lower me.
My question is not how to get over my fear so this won't happen, but rather one of image. I want to be seen as a hardcore climber chic. My tendency to scream, cry and bail undermines this desire. How can I continue to get scared and bail without seeming like I am getting scared and bailing?

I was participating in this Dynamo Contest and I was attempting to jump to a hold when my hands slipped off of the hold and I punched myself in the crotch. Being a male, this really hurt. Not to mention my friends no longer think Im the best climber in the gym. How can I keep myself from doing something like that again when I Dynamo? Thanks for the help.

i guess my opinion doesn't really count, but i did find this interesting. your thoughts?

Oh brother, you totally don't want that. In addition to instantly getting called on a lift-assist bug dab by your boyz, getting intentionally bitten by more than one New England mosquito...aka, the State Bird of New Hampshire...is really tempting fate. You can slather on all the 200% DEET you want, brah, but just wait until some Starship Troopers insecto-freakazoid crawls out of the Pawtuckaway pond and carries off your spotter. I mean, you've seen Alien vs. Predator, right? How do you think you'd do in Alien vs. Predator vs. Starship Trooper Insecto-Frekazoid vs. shanedms?

Not so well, I'm thinking.


Allez. $5 on Predator...sorry dude. Homard.

A music question?!? No frigging way! Inconceivable! Once I stop pretending to be reeling from shock, I'll totally get right on it...

...ok, I'm on it.

Music is a really, really tricky thing. There are, of course, the essentials. No true cragmobile is complete without...at the minimum...some terminally scratched-up, scorchingly illegal downloaded-from-a-pr0n-server-in-Lagos CDs of American Beauty, Aenima and A Picture of Nectar. Personally, if the driver can't display a near-mint copy of S.C.I.E.N.C.E., I'd rather walk to Rumney.

A minor problem arises, though, when your max-amp CD O'sendage happens to be your partner's Uber-Buzzkill and Demotivation Mix. To avoid getting dropped on your head because your Pink Floyd sampler has sucked the will to live...and raise their arms...out of your spotter, I have prepared a brief mix-n-match tutorial.

Phish-heads really like...wait for it...Phish. All non-Phish music will savagely harsh out their mellow and make them require a cruelty-free chai latte and herbal self-medication before they can y'know, send you positive energy at the crux, yo. Hey, you might need it...

Trad climbers seem to prefer that their music and gear come from approximately the same era...which is terribly useful, if you think of it. I'd have no problem whipping onto a String Cheese Incident fan's cam placement. I'm not going to be terribly happy running it out above some sketchy nuts that my Bob Seeger pal found in the parking lot at Yosemite...even if he swears it's bomber...like a rooooock. If your partner for the day happens to be humming the Brandonberg Concerto as he flakes out the goldline rope and starts de-rusting his pitons...well...it was nice knowing you, brah.

A sport climber is just going to play the same Euro-funken-kraft-nitzer-werke tape that's all the rage in Brussels or Cologne and is all like beep boop boop...cheep beep boop...beep boop boop...for like an hour. If you get really lucky, some asexual voice will interrupt the synth track every nine minutes or so to intone "Maquereau". Rock me, Amadeus.

Ice climbers have been known to sit in a dark room and listen to tape recordings of a file endlessly honing a Quark Ergo. Skreetch...skreetch...skreeetch...it helps past the time until you...errr, get your murder on, yo.

Ah, and now the wildcard...the boulderers. A boulderer is, paradoxically, just as likely to have a Bavarian polka playing on his iPod as a phatty Boo-Yaa Tribe joint or a 190 beat-per-minute Death Metal Hatestravaganza. It's so hard being alternative these days, you see, that sometimes the only way to stand out is to be...boring.

It's not working for me, mind you...

Allez. Who ganked my Abba 8-Track? Homard.

The Ask The NOOB Digest:
1. Series Pilot
2. Spend lots of money on gear and you'll climb 5.13
3. Eat relish packets and masturbate frequently to send V10.
4. Filming yourself is easy, filming yourself with Paris Hilton is easier.
5. Boulderers never get laid.
6. Safe climbers die in horrible accidents, oblivious gumbs live forever.
7. If you can't do something right, make up a new term for what you did and pretend you meant it.
8. Slippers are the coolest shoes, and gangrene is the coolest side effect.
9. Climbing injuries are frequently nature's way of saying you're special.
10. Slackliners are boulderes who couldn't handle the high-stress lifestyle.
11. The only reason to ice climb is to practice for serial murdering.
12. You aren't going to climb anything without Ninja skills.
13. Noobs only listen to other noobs, and Justin Timberlake.
14. Gear allocation means buying more gear after you misuse what you have.
15. Grades are in your head, and in your guidebook...so buy some whiteout and a pen and send V13
16. Boulderers have poor oral hygene. Women love this.
17. Use the force to find your climbing style. That, and a gear catalog.
18. It's all about style, and if you don't have any, go buy some.
19. People who claim to like outdoor climbing are liars or insane masochists.
20. Adding difficulty to trad by eating more food on-route.
21. Go! Lobster!
22. French people are silly, yet women love them because they do not boulder.
23. Can you escape being 1/2 french? Not without a lightsaber battle.
24. Bolt guns directly lead to spandex sales. I hate spandex.
25. Smoking dope pays much less than being sponsored.
26. Belaying gloves are weak. Belaying oven mitts are rad.
27. You can climb cement highway barriers, but your spotter will get run over.
28. Top roping El Cap presents no logisitical problems whatsoever.
29. Impressing women climbers is easy, unless you're a boulderer.
30. Climbers can't agree on anything, except hating on the french.
31. Climbing is like Jenga, except when it's like monpoly or tic-tac-toe.
32. The more expensive and painful your shoes, the poorer and hurtinger you shall be.
33. Your parents will love your climber boyfriend.
34. Nobody loves boulderers. Even their dogs are only in it to meet sport climbers.
35. If you love your climber boyfriend, van life is pretty sweet.
36. I write for TV...those infomercials don't write themselves.
37. Two harnesses are better than one, at making you look dumb.
38. Retirement post. I'll miss you all.
39. Unretirement post. Suggest spin off column, Date The NOOB. Response...not so favorable.
40. Looking good = climbing hard, as far as people know.
41. Literature reccomendations for the discerning boulderer.
42. Aid climbers are perverts, possibly evil undead monsters.
43. My superbowl halftime show. Regrettably little nudity.
44. If you can't be a good skinny climber, be a great obese climber.
45. Spraylording is almost as good as knowing people and climbing things.
46. If you bring the wrong beer to the crag, you're signing your own death warrant...in beer.
47. More dating advice from the man who has never been on a date. Good thinking, people!
48. Crashpad decorations as insant street cred upper. Get your doodle on.
49. The ham sandwich is the soul of the trad climber. Your soul wants some mayo.
50. Personal ad advice...since I can reel 'em in with the best of them.
51. Nobody clowns the NOOB, nobody.
52. The rules of Boulder Club. Brad Pitt begs for admission.
53. NOOB comes from the latin for 'damn sexy'.
54. Popular topics of boulderer conversation. Amazing that Sharma is only one of them.
55. Quality control survey. Quality plummets as a result.
56. How to size your shoes. Think small, think ow.
57. Someone wierder than me posts, I can't believe it and freak out.
58. Wearing a trad rack leads to stalking.
59. Begin pondering of Ham Freezing question.
60. I hate harnesses so much, you'd think they come from france.
61. Ham can Freeze. Send the nobel prize this way, boys.
62. I love Feral Raccoon, oh yes I do.
63. New fashion steezos for your inner pimp.
64. If you can carry your trad rack by yourself, it's puny and you are not a man, unless you're a woman, in which case you are also not a man, but for different reasons.
65. If the Ham is calling to you, do not resist. You'll just sprain something.
66. Helium will not get you high, unless sounding like a chipmunk gets you high, that is.
67. Vocabulary lessons for boulderers that can't read...ie, all of us.
68. Another wierdo, another wierdo mocked. My job is done here.
69. Rating adjustment scale. Now you know what your really sent.
70. User names to attract the ladies...or men pretending to be ladies.
71. Go metric, young lass, and your sends are automatically .77 harder.
72. Big Ball O' Sexy.
73. Pimp My NOOB pilot.
74. Feral Raccoon taunts me with her genius, I respond timidly, like the infant I am.
75. Survey of men who would like to date F.R. Survey says...all.
76. Boulderers are allergic to rope. It burns!
77. I tease Feral Raccoon with knowledge of The Purple Way.
78. Things not to buy on eBay.
79. Partners are made of lunch meat.
80. This one right here.

Ask The NOOB - Season Two DVD Box Set
81. The NOOB climbs outside. By climbs, we mean falls badly...often.
82. Shirt drag is the silent send killer.
83. Easy-Bake gym excuses, just add water. Makes its own sauce!
84. Hyper-Time Zygote Boy writes in from the 6th dimension.
85. Your dog should look like you, so you have to buy him a beanie.
86. Trading sex for gear. What can I get for my toothbrush?!?
87. Taking your pet snake climbing. What could go wrong?
88. I'm not going to tell you how to poop, no matter how many times you ask.
89. It's the rope monkeys, I tell you.
90. I continue to hit on Feral Raccoon. Results...not so good.
91. The new Rack Diamond Plumber Cam reviewed. 5 plungers!
92. If you want to rock the crag, here's your role model, boys.
93. I explain how to climb 5.24a using physics. Possible calculation errors.
94. Why climb when you can spray? In the gym. You're so cool...
95. I phone one in. Next!
96. When the ice melts, it's all about lumberjack challenge.
97. (gasp!) The NOOB asked a question? Huh?
98. I'm not going anywhere. I have nowhere to go. So there.
99. I explain reproduction. There is some guessing involved.
100. My biography. I seem much cooler online, I must say...
101. Someone offers me a job...what's a job?
102. Imaginary climbing partners are poor spotters, but good listeners.
103. Lawyers don't climb, and charlie don't surf.
104. How to deal with having a hot climber girlfriend. Once again, I'm guessing a lot.
105. Altitude sickness, it'll get you.
106. Today's fat pathetic sporto is tomorrows sleek and virile traddie.
107. Prehistoric climbing. Yabba Dabba Dude, Yo.
108. There's no candy at the top of The Mandala. You can stop trying now.
109. Being sponsored by Land 'O Lakes is much cooler than Dred Chili.
110. You can still attract women wearing a hockey mask. They might be...odd...though.
111. I pretend to be a sport climber, my lack of rope is a giveaway.
112. Stymied by logic, I surrender.
113. Selecting gym music. Get your polka on, brah.
114. It's all about Maynard.
115. If you're going to fall badly, may as well scream loud so people know to watch.
116. Mixing trad and sport leads to undead zombification. Duh!
117. It's not a helmet, it's a hardshell beanie.
118. How to slackline. Dirty, Lazy, Unemployed and balanced...in short.
119. There's an ill sesh going down in Middle Earth, yo.
120. I dare the gear industry to give me free stuff to break. Reponse...muted.
121. It's all a question of perspective...and I have none...what was the question?
122. I help someone with gear selection and Tool Lyrics. I should also write his obit, for the complete package.
123. Sandwich ethics.
124. Ask the NOOB is written by evil robots. So, now you know.
125. If one toothbrush is good, 47 is pretty frigging dope, yo!
126. I double dare the gear industry. They are unimpressed.
127. Sticker advice for your Nalgene. I'll get a MENSA card for this one...
128. Sharma vs. Vader...too close to call.
129. How to make your head less tasty.
130. Soloing is like a sonnet...of impending deckosity.
131. The NOOB gets all flustered.
132. Where do boulderers come from?
133. Dating your gear is ok...in Crazy Town.
134. Italians are like Diet Coke.
135. Boulderer reproduction, Fact or Fiction?
136. Season 2 Box Set.

Now that it is unanimous that you have posted the greatest thread ever, and seeing that you are from the United States, are you then an official US Post Master :?: :shock:

Allez. Beware of Dog Homard.

You see I am right handed, so I use my right arm to hang with and all that while I am resting six feet up on a nasty V0+. Plus I do wicked one arm pullups with only my right arm. So you can imagine just how amazingly ripped my right forearm is. But so many ham sandwiches has really affected my gut, and since I don't do any core training now, I look like Iswallowed a basketball, or at least a small baby.

So though I can pull down like a mofo, I look like your average McDonalds employee who is addicted to internet porn and candy bars.

Please Help.

So ive decided to give up sport climbing and go pure tradist. I got me some springy things and some nuts. I went out last weekend and got my send on. heres my delima. I went trad climbing two weeks ago and nailed this sweet 5.3 i had a ham sammy with me. So i figured why just one? I brought a whole loaf of bread and a block of ham the following weekend and got up a 5.5. (granted i hung on every piece and they were only 6 inches apart, (but i would nailed the red point if it handn't been for the fact i had to stop and have a smoke and a beer after i placed a piece) So i was thinking maybe if i by a pig, a big knife, and 10 loafs of bread do you think i could trad climb a 5.7

Dear Noob,

Why is it that we really don't see many dirtbaggers around today, and the one's that do claim to be have some of the most expensive gear. If you don't know maybe the "Piss Guy" might.

Dear NOOB,

The other day I heard some disturbing news: apparently this company called PraNa is being aquired by Liz Clairborne. Now I'm not sure who Liz Clairborne is, and I'm not sure what PraNa is either, except that it seems to be a climbing related company, since a lot of climbers are quite distressed about this. So I went into my local climbing shop hoping to snatch up some PraNa gear in case they get more expensive, but I couldn't find any PraNa biners, or PraNa hexes, or PraNa ropes. Oooookay, it must be REALLY good if it's this hard to find, just like the Offset Aliens. So can you tell me where I can get a full rack of PraNa cams? What is their advantage over BD C4s? This acquisition will no doubt go down as the most important event in the history of climbing... nay, in the history of the known universe. How will it affect the future of climbing as we know it?

Allez. PraTzl. Homard. "

Dear NOOB,

When will we see your debut in the mainstream mags. If you do in fact become part of the establishment will you still frequent this thread.